Enslaved grandparent syndrome

Smileless2012

As others have said Luckygirl it isn't much of a choice is it, if saying 'no' means you risk being estranged by your AC and from your GC.

Well said.

NotSpaghetti

...all things being equal "No" is an option but sometimes it really isn't (unless you can tolerate unspeakable consequences).

Exactly. And in our case, it wasn't. Prior to that, we'd been more than happy to look after our GS from time to time, in the same way that I think most grandparents would. But to be plunged from that into him living with us full time was not something we could have foreseen. It's a different kettle of fish altogether when it's not something you volunteered for.

...all things being equal "No" is an option but sometimes it really isn't (unless you can tolerate unspeakable consequences).

Luckygirl3

In this case enslavement is a choice because we are all capable of saying no.

We had no choice in the matter.

As others have said Luckygirl it isn't much of a choice is it, if saying 'no' means you risk being estranged by your AC and from your GC.

Nannee49

I'm lucky enough to have been highly involved in my grandchild's life and have loved it. It's probably easier because I only have the one but it's been lovely to have been such an integral part of their life.

All changed now University beckons & I will miss it.

Same here. Those years were some of the best of my life.

janeainsworth

^Totally wrong word used in the op, in my opinion^

I agree fancythat & using it in that context belittles the experience of those who really are enslaved.

But it was Spanish psychologists who coined the term, so perhaps something got lost in translation & the original word didn’t carry quite the same meaning as the English one.

The Spanish have the same history in the slave trade as we have, perhaps more so and before that their coastal areas were always at risk of Berber (arab) pirates ading and taking people into slavery.

I think sometimes a shock word helps people sit up and think about exactly the position they are in.

I have read, on GN, some sad stories of grandparents expected to do far too much by their entitled offspring, sometimes with a veiled threat of estrangement if demands are not met.
However, I suspect that this is quite rare, and most of us give our time willingly, and are appreciated for it.
This is certainly the case for me. One factor, of course, is the age of the grandparent.
I am in my mid seventies and my youngest GC is a few weeks old. Clearly, there will be limitations on what I can do for him as he grows.
I am aware that there are people here who were much younger than I when they were involved with babies and small children.

I've always known that syndrome as parents who make a rod for their own back.

Apparently some parents extend it to their grandparenting.

Some grandparents have a choice between looking after their GC and not seeing their GC, as the relationship with their Mum & Dad is a bit shaky and refusing to take on childcare can lead to estrangement & not seeing them.
For the minority in that position OK it's nominally a choice, but not a free choice.
In those cases Enslavement Syndrome isn't totally OTT.

Totally wrong word used in the op, in my opinion

I agree fancythat & using it in that context belittles the experience of those who really are enslaved.

But it was Spanish psychologists who coined the term, so perhaps something got lost in translation & the original word didn’t carry quite the same meaning as the English one.

*their not they’re

Well I am not a veteran here but have read several threads already started by grandparents utterly exhausted by childcare, often with ill health, but loathed to say no because they’re adult children might get funny about it.
We cared for our GCs until my DH had a stroke, but still from time to time we or rather I can do it. But it was really tiring, and now that my DH is too disabled to travel anymore or do the things we once enjoyed I do occasionally feel that the years we spent childminding - when even holidays were with our DDs looking after the little ones, could have been spent doing things together, with less childcare and more time for ourselves. Could be selfish for saying that but now have swapped caring for the GCs for caring for my DH. And none of us know what is round the corner so maybe we need to think of ourselves a bit more.

I feel that DD has never forgiven me (and late DH) for not moving 500 miles to be available to look after the GC when they were little. She really wanted to be a SAHM but felt pressured to go back to her career. The other GPs are in a Euopean country and stopped travelling some years ago.
In fact, we used to spend many weeks during the year covering school holidays. DD wouldn't let us have the GC come to our home because she wanted as much time with them as possible. They're 22 and 19 now, affectionate towards me.
I don't feel guilty. It was just as important to me that we maintained a relationship with DS and DiL who live 70 miles away, have no children and both travel worldwide for her family and their careers.

DH and I have loved every moment of looking after our DGD (two days a week from 9 months old until she started school and now two days week after school and some days in the holidays. At no time have we ever felt taken advantage of and I know that our DD would fully understand if we couldn’t continue. However I feel sorry for those GPs who feel pressurised by selfish AC who expect free childcare. It’s not fair.

Luckygirl3

In this case enslavement is a choice because we are all capable of saying no.

Exactly.

I offered to look after our first GC when D-I-L first returned to part time work, they had lost previous babies and were very anxious about leaving their precious baby with anyone other than me.

Since then we have been involved with looking after six GC (the other two didn’t need us) whether that be for work or weekends away for AC.

At one point we had my terminally ill mum living with us along with DD and GC. It was stressful at times and rather busy but honestly, we all gained so much from those precious months.

We are a close family, and they know that I/we will and do say no at times, they respect that and I/we do not feel pressured into childcare duties.

We do read on here about GPs being treated like unpaid servants aka slaves. Some go over and above for their families. If they don't feel exploited, then they're not.

We were never so involved with ours due to distance and circumstances although we were always willing to dash to help when required.

Now I'm widowed, and the 7 DGC are growing up (2 at university, the youngest started school) I seldom see them but when I do we all enjoy our time together.

I like to take them out for meals, outings and shows and we have always done crafting and gardening together.

I get invitations to their concerts - most are very musical.

So I'm definitely the fun granny which I like to be. 😊❤️

In this case enslavement is a choice because we are all capable of saying no.

Enslaved describes a person who is forcibly held in a state of servitude, deprived of personal freedom, and subjected to the total control of another person. It emphasizes that a human being was reduced to property, rather than naturally defined by their condition.

Definition of enslaved, by the UN

Totally wrong word used in the op, in my opinion.
Doesnt come anywhere close.

I would love to be as involved with my DGSs as I was when they were younger but they grow up and we aren't needed so much. I'm quite sad about it but accept that that's life.

I do think financial necessity has taken the choice away from many to be a SAHM. When my children were at school in the nineties and noughties, many of us were especially for the early years. Then the after school clubs weren't such a thing as they are now. Now it's so noticeable passing any junior school after 3.30 parents will be intermittently picking up their offspring up to 6ish.

I totally get this. We found ourselves in the position where there was no other option but for our son and little GS to live with us for almost two years. He was working, in a very demanding job involving shift work, and we were both working too, but somehow we just had to get on with it. Fortunately, our GS, who was only 2 at the time, was able to go to nursery full-time, even during Covid, so that was an enormous help, but it definitely took its toll on us. We were obviously happy to step in and help in what were terrible circumstances at the time, but it was exhausting at times.

Many mothers go back to work when their children are babies, which is far harder work than taking and collecting four year -olds plus. My parents did it for me, from for years onwards, and I think they enjoyed it, but not holiday care. I am very ashamed to say I took it entirely for granted, but my mother, having had to relinquish her career after the war, was determined I should carry on with mine.

I've read a testament or two from grandparents on this site who do feel enslaved, massively pressurised with veiled threats of withdrawal of the grandparent/grandchild/ren relationship dangling over them, blackmail is the trigger as to why they let it happen. Occasionally they undertake childcare with considerable health issues, cancer etc. Not only involving long hours of child minding and sometimes a lot of driving to the family home will be expected. These posters have sounded quite desperate and exhausted with it all.