How to tell a six year old about death

Straightforward and honest.

My husband died in June. We were devastated. Our daughter simply told our grandson, aged 6, that Grandad had died. After initial upset and tears, he appears to have processed events far more effectively than the adults. He still writes cards and draws pictures for Granny and Grandad and very straightforwardly says Grandad is still with us, in our hearts.

Agree about going to the funeral It was explained to the 4 and 6 year old and they asked to go and Winston’s wish advised letting children go to a funeral ( obviously not if they don’t want to) otherwise they often think Daddy / mummy or whoever is going to come back, It’s a final good bye, they were asked if they wanted to take anything for Daddy and they opted to carry his running shoes and running vest to go in the coffin with him It nearly broke my heart, but afterwards it was a beautiful sunny day and I remember the little one was skipping along in the sunshine Now as adults they have a point of reference as to where Dads last resting place is and can visit if they want.
Heartbreaking

Update on this thread: my granddaughter (age 6) was told by her parents over the week-end and took it all in a matter of fact way. When she saw me she just said she had sad news and relayed everything she’d been told to me. No doubt questions will come later plus a bit of her imaginative rôle play. Thanks so much for all your advice and experience which helped a lot.

Glad that part went well for her.

Children can surprise us. Two people close to our family died in quick succession ... one was my DD's class teacher and the other a family friend ... both were in their 30s and 40s.
One day I went into the playroom and the children had constructed a peculiar arrangement of chairs and blankets. I asked what it was and they said it was a dying machine ... you went in one end, crawled through and came out dead at then other end. Initially I had a sharp intake of breath, but then realised that they were making the concept concrete in a form they could deal with.

Luckygirl3

Children can surprise us. Two people close to our family died in quick succession ... one was my DD's class teacher and the other a family friend ... both were in their 30s and 40s.
One day I went into the playroom and the children had constructed a peculiar arrangement of chairs and blankets. I asked what it was and they said it was a dying machine ... you went in one end, crawled through and came out dead at then other end. Initially I had a sharp intake of breath, but then realised that they were making the concept concrete in a form they could deal with.

I love this!

Yes, making sense of death in terms they can understand. Aren’t children wonderful.

John Burningham's book "Granpa" (1984) covers this subject sensitively and movingly. It's a children's book about a Grandpa and his young grandaughter. Beautifully told and illustrated.

I remember my mother telling me about death. It was not in relation to anyone in particular, just a general conversation, and perhaps I had asked something about people dying. She told me that old people often feel more comfortable than younger ones about the prospect of dying because they have had a long life and are starting to feel tired. That has always stayed with me, and now that I am in my 70s it seems to be true. It was a comforting thought for a child when we did have elderly relatives who died.

Another book to consider is Lovely Old Lion by Julia Jarman. It was useful in helping our GC relate to dementia and death of GGPs.

I would echo that straightforward and honest is the best way. Difficult while dealing with your own feelings too, but children have a gift for putting things into perspective.

My DD’s and DS’s children have experienced the death of all their grandparents except me. They were young but attended all the funerals , wrote letters and drew pictures for them . They talk about them Istill even though my DH was the last one to die nearly 7 years ago ( is it really that long?) There is a lovely book : “Badgers last gift” or something like that about an old wise badger dying . I can also remember being very hurt at not being allowed to go to my aunt’s funeral.

BlueBelle

Two of my grandkids had their daddy die when they were 4 and 6 My daughter got a lot of help in how to handle it from Winston’s wish this has now amalgamated with Children's Bereavement UK but I m sure the help will still be the same
There were little booklets and lots of ideas of ways to deal with it from, going to the funeral, and how to answer questions there was also a helpline with very helpful staff

A funny story …when soon afterwards they were flying to stay with me we were up above the clouds and my little grandson said in a loud voice ‘Mummy can we visit Daddy in heaven’ a man in the row in front in an equally loud voice said “I blxxdy hope not”
They are now 26 and 23 very rounded young people in excellent careers, both very good runners like their Daddy was.

Love this! A similar thing happened to my friend when flying with her grandson aged 4 soon after her husband’s death. He suddenly shouted out he could see Granda sitting on a cloud ! He

GS1, whose GGM died when he was 4, was very anxious to know what happened to her body. In fact, she was cremated, but I lied and said she was buried and her body would turn into earth to make the trees grow. He seemed to accept that. Perhaps it was wrong to lie, but I felt that cremation was more difficult for him to accept.

My niece recently told her 5yr old son that his precious dog, Eric had died and gone to heaven. He seemed to take this on board right enough, because he later told his best friend about Eric going to heaven.
She said 'my nanna went there, I wonder if she'll see him, I'll ask her' he said yes please, thank you. ( friend talks to her nanna every night by
talking to a star in the sky, ) so perhaps plain speaking is best

Totally agree Granny G.

With over twenty years nursing in a hospice it’s important to be honest with children of all ages. I always encouraged children to visit their relative. It’s only when they see someone deteriorating, that they can then start to understand the dying process and death itself. This will provide them with the opportunity to ask questions, explore and express their feelings, all of which can be therapeutic in itself. All too often we as adults think we need to protect them from reality, unfortunately this can lead to a lot of unanswered questions along with skewed views of dying and death.
Furthermore depending on the children’s age, perhaps more so with teenagers. They should also be offered time alone with the dying person, to provide with time to say what they would like to say. This opportunity of privacy demonstrates empathy and respect for the older child.
Despite this being the most painful time in our lives, we need to remember we can’t experience life without death.

I always remember my step grand daughter aged 4 saying to me, “ Sue? Is your mummy dead?”
“yes “ I replied
“ Ok “
She carried on drawing! Honesty is best!

As a five year old, I was taken to say goodbye to grandad. He was asleep and I was told he was practising to go. That his body would sleep when he left it to go to see his mother in spirit.

Lots of discussion then about his mother - me being 5 wanted to know her name and what she looked like, was she fat like grandad - all the innocent matter-of-fact questions that little ones ask. The biggest one is when will they come back and can we visit, that need to be handled.

I will say though that open casket in so NOT a good idea. I was horrified when my son's Sunday school teacher too them all to view the parish priest in his coffin - he had nighmares for months.