How to tell a six year old about death

As a five year old, I was taken to say goodbye to grandad. He was asleep and I was told he was practising to go. That his body would sleep when he left it to go to see his mother in spirit.

Lots of discussion then about his mother - me being 5 wanted to know her name and what she looked like, was she fat like grandad - all the innocent matter-of-fact questions that little ones ask. The biggest one is when will they come back and can we visit, that need to be handled.

I will say though that open casket in so NOT a good idea. I was horrified when my son's Sunday school teacher too them all to view the parish priest in his coffin - he had nighmares for months.

I always remember my step grand daughter aged 4 saying to me, “ Sue? Is your mummy dead?”
“yes “ I replied
“ Ok “
She carried on drawing! Honesty is best!

With over twenty years nursing in a hospice it’s important to be honest with children of all ages. I always encouraged children to visit their relative. It’s only when they see someone deteriorating, that they can then start to understand the dying process and death itself. This will provide them with the opportunity to ask questions, explore and express their feelings, all of which can be therapeutic in itself. All too often we as adults think we need to protect them from reality, unfortunately this can lead to a lot of unanswered questions along with skewed views of dying and death.
Furthermore depending on the children’s age, perhaps more so with teenagers. They should also be offered time alone with the dying person, to provide with time to say what they would like to say. This opportunity of privacy demonstrates empathy and respect for the older child.
Despite this being the most painful time in our lives, we need to remember we can’t experience life without death.

Totally agree Granny G.

My niece recently told her 5yr old son that his precious dog, Eric had died and gone to heaven. He seemed to take this on board right enough, because he later told his best friend about Eric going to heaven.
She said 'my nanna went there, I wonder if she'll see him, I'll ask her' he said yes please, thank you. ( friend talks to her nanna every night by
talking to a star in the sky, ) so perhaps plain speaking is best

GS1, whose GGM died when he was 4, was very anxious to know what happened to her body. In fact, she was cremated, but I lied and said she was buried and her body would turn into earth to make the trees grow. He seemed to accept that. Perhaps it was wrong to lie, but I felt that cremation was more difficult for him to accept.

BlueBelle

Two of my grandkids had their daddy die when they were 4 and 6 My daughter got a lot of help in how to handle it from Winston’s wish this has now amalgamated with Children's Bereavement UK but I m sure the help will still be the same
There were little booklets and lots of ideas of ways to deal with it from, going to the funeral, and how to answer questions there was also a helpline with very helpful staff

A funny story …when soon afterwards they were flying to stay with me we were up above the clouds and my little grandson said in a loud voice ‘Mummy can we visit Daddy in heaven’ a man in the row in front in an equally loud voice said “I blxxdy hope not”
They are now 26 and 23 very rounded young people in excellent careers, both very good runners like their Daddy was.

Love this! A similar thing happened to my friend when flying with her grandson aged 4 soon after her husband’s death. He suddenly shouted out he could see Granda sitting on a cloud ! He

My DD’s and DS’s children have experienced the death of all their grandparents except me. They were young but attended all the funerals , wrote letters and drew pictures for them . They talk about them Istill even though my DH was the last one to die nearly 7 years ago ( is it really that long?) There is a lovely book : “Badgers last gift” or something like that about an old wise badger dying . I can also remember being very hurt at not being allowed to go to my aunt’s funeral.

Another book to consider is Lovely Old Lion by Julia Jarman. It was useful in helping our GC relate to dementia and death of GGPs.

I would echo that straightforward and honest is the best way. Difficult while dealing with your own feelings too, but children have a gift for putting things into perspective.

I remember my mother telling me about death. It was not in relation to anyone in particular, just a general conversation, and perhaps I had asked something about people dying. She told me that old people often feel more comfortable than younger ones about the prospect of dying because they have had a long life and are starting to feel tired. That has always stayed with me, and now that I am in my 70s it seems to be true. It was a comforting thought for a child when we did have elderly relatives who died.

John Burningham's book "Granpa" (1984) covers this subject sensitively and movingly. It's a children's book about a Grandpa and his young grandaughter. Beautifully told and illustrated.

Yes, making sense of death in terms they can understand. Aren’t children wonderful.

Luckygirl3

Children can surprise us. Two people close to our family died in quick succession ... one was my DD's class teacher and the other a family friend ... both were in their 30s and 40s.
One day I went into the playroom and the children had constructed a peculiar arrangement of chairs and blankets. I asked what it was and they said it was a dying machine ... you went in one end, crawled through and came out dead at then other end. Initially I had a sharp intake of breath, but then realised that they were making the concept concrete in a form they could deal with.

I love this!

Children can surprise us. Two people close to our family died in quick succession ... one was my DD's class teacher and the other a family friend ... both were in their 30s and 40s.
One day I went into the playroom and the children had constructed a peculiar arrangement of chairs and blankets. I asked what it was and they said it was a dying machine ... you went in one end, crawled through and came out dead at then other end. Initially I had a sharp intake of breath, but then realised that they were making the concept concrete in a form they could deal with.

Glad that part went well for her.

Update on this thread: my granddaughter (age 6) was told by her parents over the week-end and took it all in a matter of fact way. When she saw me she just said she had sad news and relayed everything she’d been told to me. No doubt questions will come later plus a bit of her imaginative rôle play. Thanks so much for all your advice and experience which helped a lot.

Agree about going to the funeral It was explained to the 4 and 6 year old and they asked to go and Winston’s wish advised letting children go to a funeral ( obviously not if they don’t want to) otherwise they often think Daddy / mummy or whoever is going to come back, It’s a final good bye, they were asked if they wanted to take anything for Daddy and they opted to carry his running shoes and running vest to go in the coffin with him It nearly broke my heart, but afterwards it was a beautiful sunny day and I remember the little one was skipping along in the sunshine Now as adults they have a point of reference as to where Dads last resting place is and can visit if they want.
Heartbreaking

Straightforward and honest.

My husband died in June. We were devastated. Our daughter simply told our grandson, aged 6, that Grandad had died. After initial upset and tears, he appears to have processed events far more effectively than the adults. He still writes cards and draws pictures for Granny and Grandad and very straightforwardly says Grandad is still with us, in our hearts.

I second looking into books that can be helpful. One I have seen is called Sad Isn't Bad and is part of a series called the Elf-Help books.

A few things I would recommend they consider:

1. Don't use phrases like "gone to sleep" - I see that they already have decided not to use this one, which is excellent. The risk is that a child may be afraid to go to sleep for fear that they will die, too.

2. Recognize that it doesn't have to be a single conversation. It's very normal for her to have questions or to want to revisit the issue.

3. Allow her to grieve, and allow her to see others (including her parents) grieve. Sometimes there is a perception that we must keep everything happy all of the time for the children, and they mustn't ever be allowed to be sad or to see someone crying. Children should be taught that it's okay to feel sad, and it's okay to cry. Seeing their parents crying can also help reassure them about this.

4. At six she may not be able to fully grasp the permanence of death. (Children normally reach this level of understanding around age nine.) She might ask if Grandma is going to come back some time, or if they can go visit her. This is developmentally normal and it's not an indication that she doesn't understand what is happening.

The 80s sitcom Full House (which centers on a widowed father with three daughters, whose best friend and brother-in-law move in with him to help him care for his girls) had a really excellent episode about death, called The Last Dance. The family is enjoying a visit from Papouli, the girls' maternal great-grandfather, who has come from Greece to see them. Michelle, the youngest daughter, who is about six years old, becomes particularly attached to him. One day, while Michelle is at school, the family goes to wake up Papouli and discover he has died in his sleep overnight. When Michelle arrives home, they break the news to her. The rest of the episode deals with how the family members work together to manage their grief.

Another good option is to look up the Sesame Street segments regarding the death of Mr. Hooper. In Sesame Street canon, he was the owner of Hooper's Store, a local diner. The actor who played the character passed away, and rather than just write Mr. Hooper out of the show, it was used as an opportunity to help children understand death and the grieving process.

"Returned to the stardust" is a phrase I have used with children and GC.
They can grasp that all the atoms are still there but in a different form swirling about in the cosmic soup.
But the love they gave and shared is still present in those around them and will be passed on to their children and friends ... that is my idea of eternal life.

Cossy my thoughts exactly.

As honestly and openly as you possibly can, according to the individual child’s age and maturity.

I once worked with as a temp for a company where a senior managers wife has just died, he had just one child, a 6 year old, he hadn’t been told his mum had died, nor where she’d gone, as a result he wasn’t allowed to attend any part of the funeral and never had any kind of closure or help with any future grief.

Never ever lie to a child, they will find out and they will be angry.

Not intending to make light of death my daughter who has Down Syndrome was 8 when my father died. We were very honest and explained about death. We all went to the crematorium and as we walked in she said in a very loud voice
“What’s in the box?” My father would have thought it hilarious.
I obviously had not explained properly.

Very important for children to go to the funeral no matter what age. I never met a child who said they wished they hadn’t gone but hundreds who said they wished they had but weren’t allowed to by the adults of the family.

This was true in our family, TwiceAsNice. I was actually present when my own grandmother died - she just quietly slipped off her dining chair. I remember it quite clearly.
I was not allowed to go to the funeral but did go to the reception afterwards. I felt cheated and resentful about it. I was 6 I think.

All our children and grandchildren have been to family funerals. My youngest son was adamant that you must at least offer children this.

How you tell small children what death is, when it occurs, depends very largely on what you as a family believe.

If you believe that this life is all there is and that one day it simply stops, then that is what, if you are to be truthful, is what you have to say. And naturally, you will be truthful.

If you believe in a religion that teaches of an after-life, then the task is, to me at least, slightly easier: Granny is ill, old and tired, and sadly the doctors are not able to cure her. So God has taken her to Heaven to be with him, and there she will be well.

At six, a child will be too young, as like as not, to comprehend if you start offering alternative points of view, along the lines of some people think we just fall asleep and never wake up again, others that we go to Heaven - this sort of thing can only confuse a little one.

Whatever you do, don't use euphemisms, like "gone away" the logical child will ask "When will she come back?" or "where to?"

I have found it important that the adults in the family are in agreement as to what to say, and stick to it, and don't let themselves be caught out saying different or contradicting things.

What you say, and how depends very much on the child you are talking to.

I am sorry you are faced with this difficult sad task.