Daughter says no visitors for three months

Sadly their child their decision. I have suffered this for 23 years and it is only now my grandchild is older I have free contact with her as she decides. Prior to this I had 3 years of joy, but after school started at 3 years, I hardly saw her at all. the last 10 years not even for birthdays nor Xmas. sadly mother's wish however, we are not estranged, just barely see each other as they are busy!!! Not just me, the other grandparents ared treated the same but has a large family so they do get invited to family functions they hold. I never turn up or do anything without being asked, learned my lessons a few times sadly.

Hiya! My daughter said no visit for the first week please. We had no option but to agree. It lasted about 2 days, needed supplies and sleep. We popped over with a cooked meal and said leave little one downstairs while you both have a nap! They both came down at four in the morning. We had followed her feeding regime to the letter & and just left them to it. Yes, it's probably a new whacking fad, but mum knows best. Just go with the flow and be there when needed. Good luck and congratulations.

My daughter was born in my mums house. Five minutes after her birth, mum was up the stairs to give her a cuddle. How times have changed.

Ps. My situation is probably not typical as my daughter now lives in a different hemisphere and time zone. (I think she may enjoy the distance and the total control.) It is unfortinately not in our power to change what is going on. For whatever reason, she thinks she has done the best thing for her and the baby. I think it is a mistake personally. It also hurts me to see how it has affected my husband, and my son. Both have been upset by the bad feeling caused, which is totally unecessary and tbh rather toxic. It is a great shame. She actually told me that she will "adopt replacement grandparents" as we live so far away. We see pictires of the replacement grand mother on Fam Album. I think that my daughter is trying to hurt us. It seems to be ongoing, and very mean. I can't see how it will end. I hope that things will eventually slowly improve, as grandchildren benefit as much as grandparents from knowing each other, and from their relationship, but they have started off terribly and I feel most sorry for my grand daughter as she has done nothing wrong.

Sorry but my instincts are that this is a form of controlling behaviour. It’s sad and wrong on so many levels. I know I’m speaking out and contrary to what many of you think.

I believe that folding like a ten dollar bill is enabling behaviour.

Do what you think, go along with it all if you must.

But ask yourselves in your hearts “is this normal?”.

I don’t think it is. And eventually, where might it end?
Jump?
Yes of course. How high would you like me to do so?

You’ll walk over eggshells so many times in future you won’t know where to place your own feet.

These new parents are testing their bluddy boundaries with their new fangled media driven rules.

I’d get on with my own life, quite sweetly. They will either come to you or they won’t. Yes of course it’s a chance you take. Life itself is full of risk.

I know I’m a bit of a lone voice here. But so be it. The alternative (for me) wouldn’t bear thinking about.

They are adults.
They are over 21.
But so are you.

Don’t give away your innate self esteem so easily.

When I had children I was 100sof miles away. Family came to visit in the next year. Leave her to it, all this needing of grandparents is unbelievable. Yes, would be nice to visit for say an hour or two just to see the baby but I see nothing wrong with waiting 3 months. There may be pictures posted if they are in to that and if there is some sort of calamity you may be a choice to help out with you having respected their wishes.

My daughter couldn't wait to present the new grandchild. Then we gave space or not as requested. She was very relaxed about rules when she went back to work.
We never had to look after son's children but I think it would be much more rigid.

I can see this is facing you with some decisions - and that you are ready to be a loving and helpful but not intrusive mother and grandmother. Meeting the baby at around 3 months old will in no way get in the way of bonding - though i understand your hope and wish to see the baby in the very early days after birth.
I think your best approach is to remain warm and friendly, and in effect say 'i respect your choice and will wait till I hear from you. I am delighted at your news. I love you and am ready whenever you would like me to visit and ready to help should you ever want help. Meanwhile I am happy to wait till I hear from you.' You know how you and your daughter usually communicate, so you'd add whatever loving words fit with your usual relationship.

My son and daughter-in-law kept everyone away for two weeks. They have actually been quite difficult at times with the rigid rules. No soft blankets, no soft toys (even now she is two years old). They kept her far too cold in the winter because they were so scared of overheating and often her little hands were freezing and she always had a cold. She was not allowed a bottle of warm milk once breastfeeding was over. She’s not allowed milk after she’s cleaned her teeth, however is offered a cup of cold cows milk beforehand which she doesn’t really seem to like ,so doesn’t really get enough milk. She’s also not allowed sugar or salt (which I understand to a degree) but now she’s two I feel she could have the odd home-made pudding and cake. Also no photographs on social media, even from behind.
Over time, I feel my son has softened a little, but my daughter-in-law has not.
Also, everything was decided according to the Internet and gadgets. Gadgets to measure room temperature, bath temperature, to decide what weight of sleeping bag she could have and what food she should have. It was all incredibly rigid and the Internet was and still is the God.
I have two other grandchildren and their mothers are much more flexible and seem much more warm and maternal. They are also happy to ask for help and advice.
It’s very difficult, but you do have to learn learn to stand back and do everything their way albeit through gritted teeth.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Sorry but my instincts are that this is a form of controlling behaviour. It’s sad and wrong on so many levels. I know I’m speaking out and contrary to what many of you think.

I believe that folding like a ten dollar bill is enabling behaviour.

Do what you think, go along with it all if you must.

But ask yourselves in your hearts “is this normal?”.

I don’t think it is. And eventually, where might it end?
Jump?
Yes of course. How high would you like me to do so?

You’ll walk over eggshells so many times in future you won’t know where to place your own feet.

These new parents are testing their bluddy boundaries with their new fangled media driven rules.

I’d get on with my own life, quite sweetly. They will either come to you or they won’t. Yes of course it’s a chance you take. Life itself is full of risk.

I know I’m a bit of a lone voice here. But so be it. The alternative (for me) wouldn’t bear thinking about.

They are adults.
They are over 21.
But so are you.

Don’t give away your innate self esteem so easily.

Well I for one can say I agree with a lot of what you say. Have noticed how many grans come on here terrified of putting a foot wrong and then being barred from seeing their GCs.
Admittedly new mums - and dads for that matter - are also terrified of not abiding by the new parenting rules that are fashionable right now. And I think many are bound to regret isolating at a time when they need a helping hand.
I don’t see it as healthy, and am sure when their children grow up and have babies the rules will all have changed yet again.
From ‘a child needs a village’ to ‘a child needs two exhausted parents in self imposed lock down.’
Ah well, I dare say there will the inevitable backlash to this, but is just my humble opinion, take it or leave it.

GlamGolfGran

A few weeks ago, my 25 year old daughter told me that she was expecting their first child. She said they weren't going to tell anyone the exact due date, because she thinks her in-laws will just show up around the due date if they know. She also says they will not have any visitors for three months because she wants to bond with the baby. This is not something any of her friends have done. I'm pretty sure she has gotten this idea from the internet. My husband and I have tried very hard to not be intrusive in their lives, not give advice, be helpful. There are some tensions between my daughter and her MIL.

I would like to hear your experiences if you've had a daughter or DIL who has set boundaries like this. As the child got older, did your daughter or DIL continue to add very stringent boundaries about lots of things and/or limit your interaction with your grandchild ? Or did they relax and let you have a close relationship with your grandchild? If they set a lot of boundaries, what kind of boundaries did they set? I'm trying to prepare myself for what is coming and have realistic expectations. And also decide what level of involvement I want to have.

I couldn’t keep my mother away from day one

My daughter said when she had her first baby she wanted just her, husband and baby in a bubble for a few weeks. She got her wish as GD born May 2020! My first view of GD was through a window, my daughter was sobbing she wanted her mum (me) to help. She was exhausted and not coping. I was cooking meals and leaving on the doorstep - how ridiculous we were. No help from health visitor just phone calls. As soon as possible I had to move into her bubble.
So when they have the baby it may all change as reality is very different to what they read on social media.
Completely different when daughter had my Grandson, I was at the hospital on the day he was born and very much hands on right from the start.

Book yourselves a world cruise with no contact. I am sure that at some stage in your cruise they will be desperate for a babysitter.

Smile! You now have a blank-cheque to put 3 month embargoes on babysitting whenever you want to.

Vintagewhine

Three months of solitude to bond with the baby is frankly ridiculous but it's her baby, her rules so you'll just have to suck it up with good grace. However, I'd be kind and generous towards her so that she feels she can reach out to you if life becomes difficult.

Agree@

Her decision so respect it but I suspect things will change in a short time .

Just wait and see. I wouldn’t put distance between you and your daughter. I would behave as you would normally. So if you would normally buy your daughter a buggy or cot then I would ask her if she would like you to do that as you would like to. If she says no, well you know where you stand. After the baby is born you will be concerned about your daughters well being as well as the baby. She may not want you to see the baby ( probably because of the in-laws) but you should explain that you want to know how she is and if there is anything you can do to help her as you are her mum. So be in touch at least by phone. As I say, see how it goes xxx

I hope she changes her mind with you! You're her mum, she'll need you.

Fallingstar and Friedgreentomatoes, yes, I do agree with you both. It has occurred yo me, more than once, that I am effectively redundant regarding babysitting duties. But, that being made redundant as a grandma does leave me absolutely free to try to enjoy the rest of my life as I wish, without guilt.

It’s the latest trend and quite ridiculous IMO but as others have said, just relax, get on with your life and don’t push the matter. There’ll come a time when she’ll want you for childcare.

Have you thought perhaps this rule is being put in place because of the MIL?
Unfortunately i was in a similar position as a new mum with an overbearing MIL and SIL, so whatever i put in place for them had to also stand for my poor parents too. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to them or my Husband at the time, by the time my second came along i had developed my tiger temper🤣

If you think back over time, has your DD shared any MIL issues with you before? If she has then the issues will probably escalate during the pregnancy given the chance - maybe DD doesn't want her pregnancy & birth/first few months railroaded & trampled all over by MIL so she's setting the scene now. If this is the case then I don't blame her, they need to figure things out as parents first never mind everyone else wanting a say in it. I've been there, it was the last thing I wanted or needed but I'd seen it coming. DH took his mum's side which gave him the excuse he needed to let her play his part, had I known about cocooning all those years ago I would have done it.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Sorry but my instincts are that this is a form of controlling behaviour. It’s sad and wrong on so many levels. I know I’m speaking out and contrary to what many of you think.

I believe that folding like a ten dollar bill is enabling behaviour.

Do what you think, go along with it all if you must.

But ask yourselves in your hearts “is this normal?”.

I don’t think it is. And eventually, where might it end?
Jump?
Yes of course. How high would you like me to do so?

You’ll walk over eggshells so many times in future you won’t know where to place your own feet.

These new parents are testing their bluddy boundaries with their new fangled media driven rules.

I’d get on with my own life, quite sweetly. They will either come to you or they won’t. Yes of course it’s a chance you take. Life itself is full of risk.

I know I’m a bit of a lone voice here. But so be it. The alternative (for me) wouldn’t bear thinking about.

They are adults.
They are over 21.
But so are you.

Don’t give away your innate self esteem so easily.

Absolutely this, however it is sad not to see your child and grandchild more than once or twice a year. It hurts, but I have accepted that and lead a very busy life volunteering where I know I am appreciated.

surfsup

It’s the latest trend and quite ridiculous IMO but as others have said, just relax, get on with your life and don’t push the matter. There’ll come a time when she’ll want you for childcare.

I have only ever been asked twice in 25 years so not necessarily. Some parents do not leave their children at all.

My eldest DGS was very premature and in NICU for weeks before going home, still with a feeding tube. For a very long time DD was so possessive, she didn’t even like her DH holding the baby. And through his toddler years she absolutely dreaded him enjoying the company of any other adult, because she perceived it as a threat that she may not be his favourite person. I used to have him one day a week and she used to wind him up, stretching out her departure for work, almost smug at his clinging and tears because it reassured her that he really didn’t want her to leave him. It took a very long time, and me eventually videoing DGS, to demonstrate that he had stopped crying and was absolutely fine within a minute of the front door closing, that we had a happy day together, and it didn’t mean there was ANY risk of him “loving me more”.

It was part of a series of issues around her fragile security, I hate to say mental health but looking back, the prematurity was more shattering for her than anyone realised - the baby was early, but strong and not adversely affected at all. And her marriage didn’t survive the stress.

Perhaps OP’s DD is similarly afraid of letting her child grow positive relationships with any wider family? If only she can believe that the more people truly love a child, and the child is free to love too, the bigger and richer that child’s world will grow.