Daughter says no visitors for three months

I hear you.

It’s obviously distressing that your DD doesn’t want any visitors until she’s adjusted to being a new mother & bonded with her child. New parents are bombarded with information from everyone & everywhere, so it can be difficult for them to know what’s expected & what’s not.

When my first GC was born, both my DIL & DS wanted to do it all by themselves and restricted contact with all family members. Yes, it was a little upsetting not to visit them and meet my new GS but we had numerous video calls & photos, where we could support them from afar. We managed to visit when GS was 4 weeks old at their request, which was wonderful.

I’d abide by your daughter’s wishes, the last thing you both need is to “fall out” at such an emotive time. She may find that when baby arrives she changes her mind and needs your support anyway.

When my third baby was botn (a month early), I was very upset that my Mum was not able to stay with us for a few days to help me as I got feeding established and help with older two who were only 3 and 2 yrs at the time.

My big strong, Dad was not well and he 'needed' his wife to be there to look after him. I shouted at them and told them that if they could not help me then, they would have nothing further to do with their g.children. Very, very sad and silly of me.

Christmas = four weeks later, was sad, and I bitterly regretted my stupid reaction. Thank goodness, early in the New year my Mum made contact and relationships were happily re-established. And, we were able to have many Christmas's together over the next few years,

This was all well fifty years ago, and yet I still have really bad guilt feelings about that missed festive season, etc. I am so very grateful that my lovely Mum made that first move,

I remember, during the first year of my daughter's life, feeling both relieved that my mother lived in another country and sad that she was the way she was. I would have loved support and involvement within a functioning mother/daughter relationship.
Who knows what's really going on between the OP and her daughter but good advice has been given here.

Basgetti

One person’s village is another person’s interference.

I agree. No village needed IMO.

One person’s village is another person’s interference.

I'm firmly in the 'it takes a village' camp.

Me too - but I guess it depends in the villagers!!

I'm firmly in the 'it takes a village' camp. My Mum (and parents in law) helped us and I help my daughter, as do the wider family network and some close friends. My DD has just had her second baby. We see them several times a week - just the day before yesterday she called to ask me if I could just come and hold the baby so she could have a shower, and they are all coming for dinner this evening - so we can take turns and parents can eat some food while it's hot. All helps to share the load and build strong family wide bonds. It's hard with little ones and hopefully your daughter will realise that the help and support you can provide is an absolute gift. It's also a very good idea to have someone else who knows your child well and is bonded with them, in case you ever have to shoot off at short notice (my daughter had to have a tooth removed under sedation and couldn't look after her first baby for 24 hours) - so that they can pick things up without too much upheaval.

Smileless2012

My comments stand too BlessedArt as there are plenty of balanced and sensible comments for the OP to take on board if she chooses to do so.

I never claimed there were no balanced and sensible posts here, but I think you are aware that we won’t agree on what is “balanced and sensible”. Happy Tuesday Smileless!

If you see a post you suspect is from a troll, report it to GNHQ Gmax.

Well, we obviously have a couple of trolls on here. Perhaps AC who resent their own parents? AntLion and Contagion will never be read by me going forward. How does one alert the admins that we have trolls. There are places for AC to vent their anger, not here, where fellow grans try to support each other through hard emotional moments.

My comments stand too BlessedArt as there are plenty of balanced and sensible comments for the OP to take on board if she chooses to do so.

Smileless2012

As you say JenniRen it applies to the younger generations too and I agree they may be even more influenced by social media than their parents.

The vast majority of responses, even those who feel the OP's D's wishes are OTT, have advised 'going with the flow' BlessedArt and it is after all up to the OP to decide what if any advice she chooses to follow.

I suspect BlueBelle that this 'new' poster isn't so new after all as posts of this nature seldom are and have an all too familiar vibe.

There were more than enough hypercritical, negative comments to support my post. My comments stand.

JenniRen

It applies to the younger generations too, BlessedArt, who may be even more influenced by social media than their parents.

It's why I suggested to go with the flow, the daughter may find that three months with a baby which may prove to be hard work is rather a long time to spend bonding.

I can’t say the younger generations are more influenced by the internet than the older generations anymore, having spent time on Gransnet. I think the younger generations may be more aware that they are influenced by the internet. They may he more open about it, but this site has erased the fallacy of older generations being above internet influence. It can be an echo chamber that neglects basic human aspects of family interaction, which is that our children aren’t our adversaries.

As you say JenniRen it applies to the younger generations too and I agree they may be even more influenced by social media than their parents.

The vast majority of responses, even those who feel the OP's D's wishes are OTT, have advised 'going with the flow' BlessedArt and it is after all up to the OP to decide what if any advice she chooses to follow.

I suspect BlueBelle that this 'new' poster isn't so new after all as posts of this nature seldom are and have an all too familiar vibe.

It applies to the younger generations too, BlessedArt, who may be even more influenced by social media than their parents.

It's why I suggested to go with the flow, the daughter may find that three months with a baby which may prove to be hard work is rather a long time to spend bonding.

“Some advice, possibly found on the internet, could be detrimental to what could and should be normal, healthy family relationships.”

Exactly, spot on. One example of this is encouraging a mum to be angry, upset, disappointed to the point of distancing from her daughter after the daughter’s postpartum period is over. When people offer “commiseration” without any positive, practical feedback to go along with it, this type of internet influence can negatively impact real life interactions if the OP doesn’t have the discernment to rise above the negativity. It can get confusing because this negativity is posted under the guise of “support”. Posting “kind” words to the OP while posting vitriol about the relative is designed to mask conflict instigation imo. I don’t see how such “support” is a practical way to bring families together, but I also realize that many do not post with family cohesion in mind. For some, they prefer to fan flames instead of providing advice that may help ease tensions between OPs and their families. Peaceful family relations and conflict resolution is hardly ever the goal of many who respond to these types of posts.

BlueBelle

Are you a new poster AntLion you seen a tad vitriolic and quite nasty in your posts ?

I haven’t seen this poster before but am relatively new myself. But I agree the posts do seem rather antagonistic.
Maybe someone having a bad day.

Are you a new poster AntLion you seen a tad vitriolic and quite nasty in your posts ?

Smileless2012

Indeed lovethepuppies. Preventing contact with GP's for protection is one thing but when that's not the case, denying children that relationship can be detrimental to the parent/child relationship in the future, if they resent not having had the opportunity to have had a relationship with GP's and other extended family.

Well said.

There are some toxic relationships which are best avoided for the sake of mother and child but the majority are not.
Some advice, possibly found on the internet now, could be detrimental to what could and should be normal, healthy family relationships.

Indeed lovethepuppies. Preventing contact with GP's for protection is one thing but when that's not the case, denying children that relationship can be detrimental to the parent/child relationship in the future, if they resent not having had the opportunity to have had a relationship with GP's and other extended family.

AntLion145

lovethepuppies, it really depends on the grandparents. To counter your personal anecdote with my own...

I normally lived with my single mom, but had a period where her mother, my grandma, lived with us.

I hoped this meant she would defend me from her daughter's abuse, but not only did she enable it instead (and even at times use me as a shield for her ire-worthy mistakes); it also meant I had to endure another pair of hands that would m*lest me.

While I really had no proper parents at all, I like to think I would of turned out just fine with only a good enough a mom and a dad.

Yes, can definitely agree that some grandparents are best avoided. If that were true of my grandparents, I'd understand my parents were protecting me, and that would feel a whole lot different. Instead, my parents decided their own sense of adventure trumped their child's need for family.

It wasn't just grandparents though. I have many, many aunts and uncles, many cousins due to having so many aunts and uncles (very large families). I know none of them.

I'm sorry the adults in your life failed you so badly. I know there are always situations where it's better to be without the family. This isn't true for me though, and I know that my own situation is due to my parents not thinking beyond their own whims.

Huia

Does she not realise bonding with your baby is instant if you are not suffering from post natal depression? I had 3 and just adored them immediately.
If you are depressed 3 months alone will not be helpful.

I think it’s more about not wanting to juggle having pushy guests. I’m sure she knows the biology of mums and babes truly bonding.

Smileless2012

I must have missed the complaint about not being able to tell others about someone else's pregnancy *BlessedArt^. Are you sure you're not incorrectly referring to the OP deciding not to tell friends about becoming a GM because she's been told she wont be able to see her GC for 3 months?

The OP is upset which IMO and it seems I'm not alone, is understandable being told she wont be able to see her GC for 3 months. She isn't making her D's pregnancy an extension of her own desire!!! The desire to see one's GC asap is a perfectly natural one, as is the disappointment to be told that wont be the case.

You must have also missed where I specifically attributed that sentiment to the OP. I was obviously making general comments on the thread at that point. Another poster complained about the length of time she wasn’t able to tell others about her daughter’s pregnancy, which is a strange grievance to have.

You may have also missed where I said the OP wasn’t allowed to feel a bit of disappointment. I clearly stated earlier that I would too, but I simply will not feed into the notion that this is such a huge deal it’s worth complaining about or pondering a response to. Certainly one realizes coming here to complain about the choices of a younger female relative is going to yield many harsh, disproportionate criticisms. Lot’s of encouragement to the OP to feel aggrieved. There is encouragement to wait for an opportunity of retaliation by way of rejecting future requests for help.
People post as though the OP doesn’t have to have a real relationship with her daughter. Focusing on only the negative feelings has zero positive real world impact. She still has to get along with her daughter. I hope you realize that it’s possible to feel disappointment without letting that feeling take center stage. It doesn’t have to be the only thing she and others focus on.

That’s what I meant by treating these milestones as an extension of us rather than focusing on the fact that they belong to our offspring. If your disappointment is the biggest emotion in your son/daughter’s milestone, we have to pause for a moment and remember this isn’t about us anymore. Let the disappointment fade and focus on being support. We can’t do that if we are focused on our expected “grandparent experience”.

Does she not realise bonding with your baby is instant if you are not suffering from post natal depression? I had 3 and just adored them immediately.
If you are depressed 3 months alone will not be helpful.

It's better to wait until you hear from her StTrinians, I know it's hard. I once saw it described it as reluctant acceptance because that is what it is and once we do accept it reluctantly we begin to heal, move on and rebuild our lives.

We did and so have many others; you can do it too and always remember that you are not alone .