Daughter says no visitors for three months

butterandjam
"Let her make mistakes and face the consequences"
That's cruel.
Lots of new mothers cope well without parents' support.
And surely if a daughter was struggling and asked for help regardless of what she said before the birth, any decent mother would be straight over!

It’s unfortunate that she has to exclude you, because of the interference from the other parents.
I personally think three months is way too long without seeing the grandparents.
I don’t have children so I don’t really know. What I do know I would have wanted my mum by my side. After all it’s what families are all about.
I can only go off Covid, when we could only stand on the doorstep & coo up the stairs (town house) to our only grandchild.
Let’s hope everything goes well for her, that she can manage the responsibility of a baby with her partner, without any help.
Hopefully she won’t end up with the baby blues, or worse, post partum depression with delusional thoughts.
My sister & her husband would not have managed without our help due to my sister’s decline with her MH.

Please let an adult woman decide how she needs to heal and find her way in motherhood instead of descending down like dementors (google Harry Potter if needed) as soon as the baby is out of her body.

Will she change her mind? Probaby and she is entitled to.

Women are here to support each other. Not boycott each other.

Think its selfish and ridiculous, thank goodness mine were proud to show baby off.
However her rules just let them get in with it, in fact I would book a nice holiday. What if she has another child? It gets dafter. I would not make any comment or show concern, just say fine, let me know when you feel ready and carry on playing golf. They obviously do not think much of family involvement,

OP please come back next year and let us know what happened in the end.
Please let an early present be mini golf clubs!!!

The parents of today have different ideas to when we had children. Three months seems excessive because surely they will go out shopping if not for walks. After a week or so of sleepless nights she may change her mind and need someone to help.
My DD did not have the rules about visiting except for unplanned droppers in. However, she is controlled with AI regarding feeds and sleeping etc. I can’t say anything but I wish their link with this program would break down. Too much information is given, ignoring common sense.

I said all sorts of stupid things when expecting the First. Go with:

“Let me know when you’re ready for me to come round, darling”

&

“Let me know what I can do to help, darling”

She’s only just beginning her pregnancy. She won’t have a clue how she’ll feel once the baby comes, certainly not even two weeks into parenthood.

Don’t make a big fuss over this. Don’t discuss it further. Chances are she will want her mum around earlier than 3 months. You mentioned her in laws, who are likely driving her current thought process of wanting space. Don’t dismiss her concerns or take it upon yourself to convince her of anything. She’s an adult and her good and bad decisions are hers to make. However this lands, extended family are not the most important individuals in this scenario. Don’t make yourself, the other grans, or anyone else the main characters here. Support her as she needs. Remember that ultimately, we are not talking about something that will hurt the baby. I would hate to wait 3 months before meeting my grandchild, but I’d hate falling out with my daughter worse. It’s not worth it. You’ll get a lot of silly ego-driven responses, but no one on here has to live with any potential fallout between you and your daughter. I would keep that fact in mind over the next few months.

Fara56

I said all sorts of stupid things when expecting the First. Go with:

“Let me know when you’re ready for me to come round, darling”

&

“Let me know what I can do to help, darling”

Best advice!

Apart from anything else, I would be really sad not to see my own child for 3 months - presuming they live closeby?

I don't live near my Mum but we see each other once a month or so

Hithere

Please let an adult woman decide how she needs to heal and find her way in motherhood instead of descending down like dementors (google Harry Potter if needed) as soon as the baby is out of her body.

Will she change her mind? Probaby and she is entitled to.

Women are here to support each other. Not boycott each other.

Absolutely 👍🏻

She won't necessarily be holed up in the house for 3 months!
(She may even choose to visit you!)
Nice strolls in relatively "out of the way"places was what I loved with baby no. 1.
Happy days.

My son and his wife were totally indoctrinated with the NCT rules that they were told when they went to their classes. By the time they had their second child they’d realised that pre planned rules don’t work and when it comes to babies and young children you basically just wing it….

NCT doesn't have rules.
It's a part of their ethos.

I found my local NCT to be very supportive and non judgemental...I used dummies and breastfed my daughters for as long as they wanted it.
I find some of the women on here to be very opinionated and judgemental.
Types to be avoided when a first time Mum IMO.

Why do so many new Mums feel the need to follow trends?

I do wonder if there is a lot of peer pressure.

I had a book by Dr Spock, some common sense and thankfully a strong instinct to Mother and nurture.

What I didn’t have was social media full of perfect Mothers and babies and opinions on raising children.

I have two beautiful grandchildren, I was away when the first was born so my daughter’s MIL was able to spend time with her granddaughter.

When she was 2/3 weeks old they came to stay for the weekend and ended up staying 10 days!
It meant my daughter could get a feeding routine sorted and not have to worry about anything ,my SIL was pleased she had support.

We were able to bond with our granddaughter.

When the second came along during covid we stayed a couple of nights then came home, we were asked to return a couple of weeks later, again we were able to bond with our grandson and give some special to our granddaughter who was feeling a bit left out!

Thank you everyone for your responses. You've given a lot of good advice, and I also appreciate the emotional support. I definately am planning on respecting her boundaries, regardless if I agree with them or not. And I will try to be reasonably supportive in ways that do that. For all of you who say she'll change her mind once the baby is born - I hope you're right. But whatever happens, I have a full life that I love, and I'm going to focus on that. I actually have a weekend trip that will take place around the time of her due date, and my husband and I may plan another one. I'm not going to let the grass grow under my feet!

That sounds like a healthy response GlamGolfGran. Three months is pretty extreme, even for those who take the babymoon approach. Is she anxious in general about health? Maybe she feels happier when baby has had vaccines?

If she has another, I think she'll find the experience quite different. You can't just hide away for three months. Somehow you also manage to bond with the second child.

stillawipp

Oh, I wouldn’t worry - this is all very new & overwhelming to them atm, & there is so much information on the internet now for prospective parents to navigate. Just smile & accept any plans for the time being - in my experience there is every chance that all plans will be rethought once the baby is actually here and the new mum has had no sleep for two weeks …

My thoughts exactly.

Read this with dismay. Wasn’t in this position and played by the rules when our grandchildren were born. I always say being the mother of sons you take a back seat nothing you can do about it we seem to become second class citizens.

Regardless of your grown up child's gender, the role you play in their adult lives depends on your relationship with them and their partner.

MayBee70

My son and his wife were totally indoctrinated with the NCT rules that they were told when they went to their classes. By the time they had their second child they’d realised that pre planned rules don’t work and when it comes to babies and young children you basically just wing it….

That was me!!
Rules must be obeyed with the first, rules more relaxed with number two and by the time number three arrived, I was positively laid back!

“Let me know when you’re ready for me to come round, darling”
&
“Let me know what I can do to help, darling”

Absolutely, Fara56.

Respect her rules but be prepared for when the reality proves to be quite different from what she imagines it will be.

lovethepuppies

That sounds like a healthy response GlamGolfGran. Three months is pretty extreme, even for those who take the babymoon approach. Is she anxious in general about health? Maybe she feels happier when baby has had vaccines?

If she has another, I think she'll find the experience quite different. You can't just hide away for three months. Somehow you also manage to bond with the second child.

Possibly Covid caused a lot of anxieties, especially in younger people and children.

It hasn't gone away and she may be worried about the baby being in contact with germs and viruses.

GlamGolfGran

Thank you everyone for your responses. You've given a lot of good advice, and I also appreciate the emotional support. I definately am planning on respecting her boundaries, regardless if I agree with them or not. And I will try to be reasonably supportive in ways that do that. For all of you who say she'll change her mind once the baby is born - I hope you're right. But whatever happens, I have a full life that I love, and I'm going to focus on that. I actually have a weekend trip that will take place around the time of her due date, and my husband and I may plan another one. I'm not going to let the grass grow under my feet!

This is a very reasonable, level-headed approach! Congrats on the impending new family member .

I wonder if there’s a concern here about fairness to both sets of grandparents. If the new mum doesn’t want the in laws to visit maybe this has to apply to the other GPs.
One of my SILs is a wonderful husband and father. However when DD suggested I could go on holiday with them SIL
said it wouldn’t be fair unless his parents were also invited. DD wasn’t happy with this so no holidays for me!