Daughter says no visitors for three months

Although further to my post, I do read quite frequently both here and on MN the scourge of the overbearing matriarch who want to barge in and takeover. So there are two sides sometimes

It's called cocooning and is advised for the first 6 weeks of the new baby's life to allow breast feeding to be established and for mum/dad bonding with their new baby.

Who is giving this advice? We have midwives in the family and they certainly don't advise this. I do wonder how anyone in the past managed to 'bond' with their baby when this wasn't common practice. How do they manage to bond with second or other subsequent babies when they can't cocoon just mum, dad and baby?

GlamGolfGran you'll have to respect your daughter's wishes, but the baby is her husband's baby too and if he wants his parents to meet the baby sooner then I wonder what she'll say?

Luckygirl you posted while I was typing and I hadn't refreshed the page. Made the point better than me

We were there from the birth onwards with our DDs as were the in laws, in fact our DDs insisted we all took a very active part, and thank God we did because one DD had PND and needed all the help she could get. I tend to think the opposite to this cocooning idea, inasmuch as I think it can be far too physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting for new parents to isolate themselves at a time when they really need help.
But your daughter has made herself clear, and good advice given above, just go with the flow, and see if she feels the same once the baby is born, my bet is that she will soon change her mind. But until she does reassure her that you will stick to the plan.
All the very best with this 💐💐

Luckygirl3

*It's called cocooning and is advised for the first 6 weeks of the new baby's life to allow breast feeding to be established and for mum/dad bonding with their new baby.*

Advised by whom?

How might a close family member visiting with good wishes interfere with establishing breast feeding? What makes you think that new parents who accept the help and support of family do not bond with their babies?

There is absolutely no evidence for any of this.

There is clearly a spectrum here between an overbearing family member trying to take over and issuing unwanted advice to the point where the parents become stressed, and no family visits.

There is a happy medium which most families achieve where sensitive and thoughtful family members are there to help when needed but not to interfere or take over.

It might be that breast feeding is easier to establish with a loved one doing the housework and cooking the dinner!

Where is the evidence that parents with close kind supportive family members fail to bond with their babies or establish breast feeding?

All this, absolutely.

This is the sort of question that comes up a lot GlamGolfGran and it generally gets a lot of similar replies to these about how she will need help and will sort-of "cave in" or that this is a fad, or that you should leave her for a year etc.

I had my babies years ago and like (some) others felt that it was our responsibility to make this tiny baby's entry into the world as soft and gentle as we could.

We asked for no visitors for a week 50 years ago and whilst all our friends respected this my giddy with joy parents (!) couldn't keep away and drove 100 miles to see her.
Our friends did drop off dinners (didn't come in) and some tiny gifts.

She may find 3 months is a long time - but if you start off accepting that this is a possibility if things do change you can see that as a bonus.

Home made food is a way to show her you care.
Congratulations to you and your daughter and her husband/ partner.


We also told nobody the due date by the way.
I truly loved my mum and dad. Please do not feel rejected.

Doesn’t seem outrageous. I’ve been told to keep my puppy away from other dogs until he’s had his jabs. Why wouldn’t you want the same protections for a grandchild 🤷‍♀️

Oh my goodness some of the over the top reactions to my 'cocooning' post are a bit ott and show perfectly well why new parents woukd want to keep their like away!
My nicee cocooned, I'd not heard about it before...maybe google it if you're interested.
I think it's fine.
The baby needs to bond with it's parents first and what they say goes!

We don’t know if her DH feels the same way or if by trying to protect herself from one set of grandparents she feels she has to impose the same rules on you to avoid conflict.
Either way it’s her choice and there’s no point in trying to change her mind at this stage. Proceed with caution for now.

I disagree Cressy it's their choice ie new mum and dad.

It really depends on what the parents are like too. My mother was not very helpful. It was like having another child to look after. She didn't help practically at all and her main comment was "is she feeding again?".
I got wise on the second baby and put her off visiting by saying we'd visit them....and we did when the baby was 3 months old.

Well speaking of this ‘cocooning’ I personally found I had plenty of time to ‘cocoon’ through the long lonely nights of breastfeeding a very awake baby and by the morning I was simply exhausted, even with a very supportive husband. I was only too glad of help from my mum (my dad died during my first pregnancy), friends, family or anyone who loved us coming during the day to give me time to sleep or just rest my arms!

But in response to the OP, I think good advice has been given and I can only echo those who say - their baby, their rules. Some of it is new to us and may not be how we did things, but every family is different and we all have to find our way through it. In time I’m sure you will have a lovely close relationship with your new grandchild, however these early days go.

Just thinking about the week in hospital which was the norm in the early 70s after childbirth. Mums could rest. Visitors were limited to visiting time only and numbers restricted by a very strict Sister. The food was in my case very good.
So the first week was peaceful and mums were cared for.

Six weeks sounds a good time to allow cocooning. Three months a bit long. But of course your DD may have real problems with her ILS and making it the same for both sets of parents is no doubt the best way for her and fair on DH. Maybe the ILS will want to hold the baby and NOT LET GO as I have read can happen. Or smother with kisses even if they have colds or cold sores.

I am out of touch with baby vaccination timings. Maybe 3 months is after the 1st lot?

Anyhow OP its her decision. Go with it.

We cannot always assume that all grandparents help. Some are a hindrance and give outdated advice
Therefore best kept at bay until things settle down and that goes for second and third babies too.
I would have loved to have had an engaged, supportive mother around to help but as she was never going to be like that, she was best kept away.
My husband and the health visitor were all the help and support I needed.

most new mums are exhausted for quite some time after the baby's born, especially if the baby doesn't sleep well. I know I was very glad of my mum when my first baby was born. your daughter might very well change her mind after a few sleepless nights. just leave them to it , but be there if she needs you..

3 months is extreme!

3 days I can understand.

It reminds me that DD's due date was April, DH and I booked a holiday in March and our DD was horrified that we would be in Southern Spain and not waiting to rush to her bedside.
Luckily baby waited until April and we arrived on Day 3. She'd had a C section and was very down.

Every situation is different and I will try not judge. There could be all kinds of reasons why your DD needs so long to bond.

MarieElla

We cannot always assume that all grandparents help. Some are a hindrance and give outdated advice
Therefore best kept at bay until things settle down and that goes for second and third babies too.
I would have loved to have had an engaged, supportive mother around to help but as she was never going to be like that, she was best kept away.
My husband and the health visitor were all the help and support I needed.

Of course there is this. And TerriBull said something similar. For me it was just a case of desperately needing another pair of hands. Back then my DH only got a week off work and had to take it as holiday entitlement, my father had died a few months before and my poor mum was unable to help much, indeed we were still trying to help her and I was coping with my own grief.
Thankfully we had two lovely neighbours, older women, who would simply walk in with a covered dish for dinner and grab the baby to pace the floor with her, of course the poor mite had terrible colic.
But doubt neighbours like this exist today. And though my circumstances were extreme I do know how difficult and isolating it can be after giving birth, I did go on to have two other babies after this and thankfully my mum rallied round. And just for the record my mum was not an easy person, she could be very opinionated and give rather outdated advice like rubbing brandy on a babies gums when teething. I never did this and made sure she didn’t either. But having lost one dear parent I realised that as well as being an extra pair of hands my mum would love my child every bit as much as I loved her/him, and that was needed by my children as much as by me.

I agree Fallingstar, there’s nothing like losing a dearly loved parent during pregnancy for focusing the mind on the importance of grandparents to our children. Three months, six months, three years, time won’t always wait for when it’s the right time to introduce them.

When the baby is born and she's had 6 weeks bonding she will soon phone you, probably a lot sooner,
I would say nothing smile and say your the mummy ,,,,and wait

When my first great grandchild was born last November the parents made sure we all had a cuddle. The two grannies, one is my daughter, have both helped. They baby sit and look after our little darling while mum has time to have her nails done and the parents go out for a special meal. The grannies are already preparing to take turns committing to a day each week to help out when mummy goes back to work. Whatever is needed the grandparents will help. My son in law has turned out to be the most brilliant baby carer and the baby loves him.The baby has a brilliant mother who knows just what a baby needs and she has said to me how lucky she is to have such brilliant support. I don’t think your daughter’s no visiting period will last very long. So don’t worry.

She’ll change her mind when she realises there’s not much conversation to be had with a new born and her OH is driving her mad.

MarieElla

Oh my goodness some of the over the top reactions to my 'cocooning' post are a bit ott and show perfectly well why new parents woukd want to keep their like away!
My nicee cocooned, I'd not heard about it before...maybe google it if you're interested.
I think it's fine.
The baby needs to bond with it's parents first and what they say goes!

Just asking for evidence that's all.

We all know about overbearing parents or in-laws, which is clearly negative, but the normal help from sensitive family is a positive. Recent research shows that young adults whose loving grandparents were closely involved in their lives are more confident.

Blanket banning of all family involvement for 3 months just because some family members might be OTT seems a bit OTT! It is all about balance.

When my DDs had their babies I was mega careful not to overstep the mark ... their response was to ask me not to go when I was about to slip away, or to ring me and ask me to come back. They were confident independent young women who appreciated family support at such a critical moment in their lives.

merlotgran you're assuming a lot there.
Why would her OH be driving her mad?
Yes everyone needs help when a first time mother but it doesn't have to be from family.
The OP's daughter will have her reasons.
And yes, judging by some of the spiteful comments from posters here about the daughter,she'd be well advised to keep her baby away from their like!

I was a birthing partner for my sister, along side her husband at her request. So when the little fuzzy peach arrived, I was instantly in love with her.
We have a very close bond to this day.
I do agree with TerriBull, my sister had post partum depression with her first.
Her Mil kept grabbing the first baby to show her how it was done 😩 she made her feel utterly useless.
No wonder she had a full on break down.

I imagine she doesn't want all and sundry descending on her as soon as she gets home offering/spouting opinions and all manner of advice, as I witnessed happening to a young neighbour just across the road from me.

Within barely an hour it seemed as if the entire family tree was traipsing through the front door - the new Mum was swamped!

One extremely elderly lady was so frail that she had a 'support team' of three propping her up and guiding her up the garden path.

This went on for the next 72 hours - I bet Mum (and new Dad) were both at screaming pitch and drained with tiredness. Such selfish relatives.