Birthday Party Blues

It hurts I know. Sometimes it’s just better not to know. I’ve been there.

Miss Adventura. Brilliant!! Princesjonsie, please oh please do it - and circulate the photo far and wide. Sending hugs.

I personally think that mum's parents are closer than dad's, it's just the natural way things are.

These differing family dynamics can be so upsetting and I understand why you are so upset, I would be too. I wonder how the meet up afterwards was arranged and who was responsible for the invitations. Is it possible you and your dil don't get on very well? Or maybe you don't get on with her parents? Personally I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying something to my son about my disappointment but I also realise this is probably not a good idea idea. Maybe best just to get on with things, ask if they had a good time and pretend you're not hurt and this way avoid any possible rifts in the family.

Hi , had a bit if a similar experience before my son became estranged. My grand daughters 5th birthday was coming up a few years back and my husband was actually not going to be working for a change( shift work , ugh) so I texted my son and politely asked when we coyld come over to give her her presents and spend a bit of time with them . The birthday was on a Saturday. My son , knowing full well that his stepfather has always worked shifts and that this was great that he would actually have the weekend off , texted back saying ‘ oh its her party mum on the Saturday and sunday we’re busy so can you come the following weekend?’
I replied ‘sorry your sd is working that weekend, I’ll post her presents’
We were mortified. Things went downhill from there and we were nc 6 months later.

my son divorced his wife , he had 2 children 2 and 1, he got them at weekends, then he gave them to me whilst he went out to see his new lady friend, I had them every weekend until they were 15 and didnt need a babysitter anymore. i found out that when my grandaughter was 25 she had got married, my son and his new mother in law and wife kept it secret from us, as did my younger son, they all went to the wedding and said nothing, she didnt invite her grandpa and me, i will never understand it, her grandpa died suddenly 2 months later, unforgivable

I agree with GrannyGravy. Please explain why the other grandparents weren’t at the party. I think you are overthinking it all. You had the pleasure of being at your grandsons birthday party. Your DIL wanted to include her parents as well (for whatever reason they couldn’t attend). Don’t cause problems when there isn’t any.

Macaydia

*Astitchintime*: Isn't it a competition? That we don't admit?

My words were “ I have always maintained that grandparenting is not a competition” ………. that is my personal observation within our family and all the grandparents get along just fine.
Why pick the bones out of my comment?

Sounds like your son and daughter-in-law were being thoughtful by including her parents in the celebrations as they were not at the birthday party like you.

I think that if the maternal GPs were not at the party there is some sense to this - but only a little. If they were there then I think your son is very remiss here and I can understand your hurt. I am so sorry.

I would think that having been to the "actual" party was the main thing here?

Is the other grandmother alone?
Is she as fit/well as you?
It sounds like l they were not at the "real" party?

...It sounds like a kindness to see that the other grandmother could be included.

Maybe I have read this wrong - but maybe this is actually just a way to share the joy of the little one - on their special day?

Your love for your son's family (and theirs for you) is not lesser because someone else has a turn...

Chin up - and no petty return photos please!

In law relationships are all different.
I have 4 DC and 4 in-laws who each have families.
I am lucky that my DD married the "boy next door" whose parents are hospitable and include me (I'm on my own) on most occasions when the DGC are staying with them for at least some of the time.

One DIL has no living DP so I am the one who gets invited to school concerts etc.
Another 2 we send eachother Christmas cards and ask after eachother but rarely meet. We live very far apart.

In this case I suppose you could feel left out if you didn't know beforehand that the rest of the party was going on somewhere else.

You do see your DGS often which is a blessing as so many DGP don't.

Try not to feel hard done by. I suspect DiL feels more at home with her own family in their house so treats you differently.

I'm so sorry you were treated in this way Princessjonsie and simply can't think of a plausible reason why .

At the very least your GS should have opened his gift from you, while you were there. What on earth was your son thinking.

Macaydia

*Astitchintime*: Isn't it a competition? That we don't admit?

No, it isn't necessarily a competition. My son's MiL is now a close friend. Until her advanced age made it impossible we always stayed with her when we visited DS and family.

She lives near our DGC, we live 200 miles away and we have structured our relationship with our shared DGC so that we are complementary, not competitive. i always refer to her as my companion grandmother, never as the 'other' grandmother

Astitchintime: Isn't it a competition? That we don't admit?

I am so sad to read this and feel your hurt. You do sound like an amazing grandparent. Maybe some day, your son and DiL will understand but for now, they won't. Keep giving your love in the correct direction. Everything will work out for you. Usually, knowing you did the right thing is better than someone else acknowledging that you did the right thing.

Chin up.

<hugs for you>

I find it really sad that you have to conduct your relationship with your grandchildren with such care, You seem to be constantly walking on eggshells. Is their any reason for this?

The fact that your son sent you a picture of the present opening suggests that it was simply thoughtlssness,

What is your relationship like with DIL generally? Is she warm and inviting or simply tolerant of you for her own gain - you providing free childcare is saving them a significant amount of money after all.

There’s two ways you can take this…..you can carry on as things are and probably be excluded from future milestone events or you can share all the activities that you and DGS do with the whole family.

They shared a photo of the gift opening event at maternal GM…..why not have a similar event between you and DGS? And share a photo with a caption……”I missed the birthday event following the party so we have had one of our own”! Alternatively, you could consider speaking to your DS and telling him how you feel.

You can be confident, they won’t want to lose free childcare provision but do you want to be forever sidelined and pushed out? I have always maintained that grandparenting is not a competition…….nor is it an opportunity for people to treat others as doormats.

I can imagine how you felt.

My DIL’s mother was widowed not long after son’s wedding and we have always included her, Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc . When we visit DS and DIL, her mum always comes along a little later than us. My Dd once said to me ‘doesn’t it get on your nerves mum, as she’s always there? ‘. Absolutely not! Wouldn’t want it any other way.. She’s a lovely lady who is never pushy and just fits in with us all.

It wouldn’t have hurt to invite you along too, very thoughtless and unkind.

Maybe they thought you’d done enough and were trying to be kind?
Tbh if it was me I’d be glad everything went well and I’d probably be more than ready to go home to put my feet up.
Yes they should have invited you to the ‘after party’ but they might have felt you’d feel obliged to go even though you might have had enough.
I completely understand why you feel hurt though because I’d have felt the same ( even if I didn’t want to go )

I can see how you felt excluded and hurt.
What has happened in previous years?
How far away do the other grandparents live? Are they housebound or is there perhaps some other reason why they were unable to join the actual party which you helped with? If so, then this was the parents’ way of taking the party to them. You had been at the actual party, so now it was their turn?

Your grandson will soon be at that stage of having the party for his friends rather than his family, so grandparents may not be included, depending on arrangements, so you will no doubt have your own plans to celebrate the birthday in future years.
Meanwhile enjoy the happy times you spend together.

Princessjonsie I’m another one who feels sorry for you. You don’t say how old your son and his wife are, and I’m wondering whether they were simply just being thoughtless. Given that they sent the pictures, perhaps that was their way of including you.

I say this because at 76, when I think back on some of the thoughtless and therefore hurtful things I did when I was young, I wish I could tell my mother I’m sorry and would do things differently now.

You were at the party and able to help , so maybe the AC felt it was then fair to go onto the other GPs , whom I presume weren’t at the party? Can’t think of anything worse than a 4 year olds party , to be honest, but you did offer to help!

Do the maternal GP’s help out as much as you do with childcare?

It sounds from your post that they live further away, as they didn’t come to the actual party.

Perhaps it’s felt that you see plenty of him on a regular basis, and that’s why you weren’t invited to their house for the gift opening etc.

You had been at the actual party though, even if it didn’t include some of the present opening, which is why you weren’t invited back maybe?

Princessjonsie you say you have your grandson for the day every weekend, and use your holiday entitlement from work if they need childcare.

Do your daughter-in-law's parents live locally as well?
I'm just wondering how frequently they see the children?
Maybe they just didn't think to invite you back to their house?
You got your photo though, so you weren't forgotten there. That's a small comfort... 🫤

I like MissAdventure's suggestion of a private party next time you have your grandson 🧁🎈🎶🎁
Maybe you could take him for a picnic, or to a playground, if it's a nice day? (Or the dreaded soft play, if it's not!).

Chin up dear lady. These early years can be fraught with misunderstandings and hurt feelings 💐