Birthday Party Blues

That's so sad and a bit mean in my opinion. I would have been a bit miffed myself.

Perhaps you could say to your son something along the lines of "Thanks for the photo, it looks like I missed a great time", and see what response you get.

Oh, that must have hurt.
It's probably best to say nothing, though, I suppose.
Things have changed so much with regard to family life, it seems.

I completely understand how you feel.
However I urge you to tread with care. So many GP. are at odds with their AC - please dont let that happen . You sound to be a very sensible woman and a wonderful GM . I agree it was mean , you should have been invited to the maternal GP home. However, don't let what happened damage your relationship with your son and DIL.

I'm so sorry to read this.That is so hurtful.I can't really offer any advice but do offer my sympathy.

Perhaps you could do a very small "unbirthday" day when you next have your grandson.
One little cupcake, one balloon, some music playing and maybe one tiny gift.
Be sure to take a photo, of course.

I am heartbroken for you. Our elder DD and her DH have always included both sets of parents since the day they were married, and similarly since the GC came along. The other GPs do see more of them cos they live within walking distance and we are 30 miles away, but overall they do their best to share things with us all. Fortunately we get along well with the other GPs (so long as we don't mention politics cos ours are quite different from theirs!) and want to keep it that way.

You never know, as the GC get older you might find you have a closer bond with one or both of them, or a different bond depending on their hobbies, so you can make the most of that.

As others have said, keep stum as far as you can cos it seems it can soon go pear-shaped and I can tell that you wouldn't want that

Oh that is so sad - my heart aches for you. I can’t give you any advice as I am the ‘all guns blazing’ type of person and have got into a lot of trouble because of that.
Shelflife has given you good advice…..

I’m very sad for you having experienced the same sense of exclusion. Our tactic has been to smile and say nothing, accepting another grandparent has wanted just ‘their’ family to be in their home. It’s kept the peace but yes, it hurts if I think about it.

Princessjonsie you say you have your grandson for the day every weekend, and use your holiday entitlement from work if they need childcare.

Do your daughter-in-law's parents live locally as well?
I'm just wondering how frequently they see the children?
Maybe they just didn't think to invite you back to their house?
You got your photo though, so you weren't forgotten there. That's a small comfort... 🫤

I like MissAdventure's suggestion of a private party next time you have your grandson 🧁🎈🎶🎁
Maybe you could take him for a picnic, or to a playground, if it's a nice day? (Or the dreaded soft play, if it's not!).

Chin up dear lady. These early years can be fraught with misunderstandings and hurt feelings 💐

Do the maternal GP’s help out as much as you do with childcare?

It sounds from your post that they live further away, as they didn’t come to the actual party.

Perhaps it’s felt that you see plenty of him on a regular basis, and that’s why you weren’t invited to their house for the gift opening etc.

You had been at the actual party though, even if it didn’t include some of the present opening, which is why you weren’t invited back maybe?

You were at the party and able to help , so maybe the AC felt it was then fair to go onto the other GPs , whom I presume weren’t at the party? Can’t think of anything worse than a 4 year olds party , to be honest, but you did offer to help!

Princessjonsie I’m another one who feels sorry for you. You don’t say how old your son and his wife are, and I’m wondering whether they were simply just being thoughtless. Given that they sent the pictures, perhaps that was their way of including you.

I say this because at 76, when I think back on some of the thoughtless and therefore hurtful things I did when I was young, I wish I could tell my mother I’m sorry and would do things differently now.

I can see how you felt excluded and hurt.
What has happened in previous years?
How far away do the other grandparents live? Are they housebound or is there perhaps some other reason why they were unable to join the actual party which you helped with? If so, then this was the parents’ way of taking the party to them. You had been at the actual party, so now it was their turn?

Your grandson will soon be at that stage of having the party for his friends rather than his family, so grandparents may not be included, depending on arrangements, so you will no doubt have your own plans to celebrate the birthday in future years.
Meanwhile enjoy the happy times you spend together.

Maybe they thought you’d done enough and were trying to be kind?
Tbh if it was me I’d be glad everything went well and I’d probably be more than ready to go home to put my feet up.
Yes they should have invited you to the ‘after party’ but they might have felt you’d feel obliged to go even though you might have had enough.
I completely understand why you feel hurt though because I’d have felt the same ( even if I didn’t want to go )

I can imagine how you felt.

My DIL’s mother was widowed not long after son’s wedding and we have always included her, Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc . When we visit DS and DIL, her mum always comes along a little later than us. My Dd once said to me ‘doesn’t it get on your nerves mum, as she’s always there? ‘. Absolutely not! Wouldn’t want it any other way.. She’s a lovely lady who is never pushy and just fits in with us all.

It wouldn’t have hurt to invite you along too, very thoughtless and unkind.

What is your relationship like with DIL generally? Is she warm and inviting or simply tolerant of you for her own gain - you providing free childcare is saving them a significant amount of money after all.

There’s two ways you can take this…..you can carry on as things are and probably be excluded from future milestone events or you can share all the activities that you and DGS do with the whole family.

They shared a photo of the gift opening event at maternal GM…..why not have a similar event between you and DGS? And share a photo with a caption……”I missed the birthday event following the party so we have had one of our own”! Alternatively, you could consider speaking to your DS and telling him how you feel.

You can be confident, they won’t want to lose free childcare provision but do you want to be forever sidelined and pushed out? I have always maintained that grandparenting is not a competition…….nor is it an opportunity for people to treat others as doormats.

I find it really sad that you have to conduct your relationship with your grandchildren with such care, You seem to be constantly walking on eggshells. Is their any reason for this?

The fact that your son sent you a picture of the present opening suggests that it was simply thoughtlssness,

I am so sad to read this and feel your hurt. You do sound like an amazing grandparent. Maybe some day, your son and DiL will understand but for now, they won't. Keep giving your love in the correct direction. Everything will work out for you. Usually, knowing you did the right thing is better than someone else acknowledging that you did the right thing.

Chin up.

<hugs for you>

Astitchintime: Isn't it a competition? That we don't admit?

Macaydia

*Astitchintime*: Isn't it a competition? That we don't admit?

No, it isn't necessarily a competition. My son's MiL is now a close friend. Until her advanced age made it impossible we always stayed with her when we visited DS and family.

She lives near our DGC, we live 200 miles away and we have structured our relationship with our shared DGC so that we are complementary, not competitive. i always refer to her as my companion grandmother, never as the 'other' grandmother

I'm so sorry you were treated in this way Princessjonsie and simply can't think of a plausible reason why .

At the very least your GS should have opened his gift from you, while you were there. What on earth was your son thinking.

In law relationships are all different.
I have 4 DC and 4 in-laws who each have families.
I am lucky that my DD married the "boy next door" whose parents are hospitable and include me (I'm on my own) on most occasions when the DGC are staying with them for at least some of the time.

One DIL has no living DP so I am the one who gets invited to school concerts etc.
Another 2 we send eachother Christmas cards and ask after eachother but rarely meet. We live very far apart.

In this case I suppose you could feel left out if you didn't know beforehand that the rest of the party was going on somewhere else.

You do see your DGS often which is a blessing as so many DGP don't.

Try not to feel hard done by. I suspect DiL feels more at home with her own family in their house so treats you differently.

I would think that having been to the "actual" party was the main thing here?

Is the other grandmother alone?
Is she as fit/well as you?
It sounds like l they were not at the "real" party?

...It sounds like a kindness to see that the other grandmother could be included.

Maybe I have read this wrong - but maybe this is actually just a way to share the joy of the little one - on their special day?

Your love for your son's family (and theirs for you) is not lesser because someone else has a turn...

Chin up - and no petty return photos please!

I think that if the maternal GPs were not at the party there is some sense to this - but only a little. If they were there then I think your son is very remiss here and I can understand your hurt. I am so sorry.