I've been a rubbish mum/gran

I had a similar issue , though slightly different circumstances , with my youngest son and his wife.
When my grandson was born 12 years ago, I was roughly your age, going through a very distressing and difficult divorce, working part-time, doing school runs for my daughter’s children etc etc. My son asked me if I would look after the baby at least one day a week, because my d.i.l. wanted to return to work. I just could not help them. I only had one free day for catching up with my chores and I was not willing to give that up.
So, I sat down with them and explained it all. I offered to do baby-sitting, if they wanted to go out for the evening. I don’t think they were too happy, but that was all I could offer. I also felt that they were financially well-off and could afford to employ a child-minder or whatever..
To cut a long story short, they understood,
My d.I.l. did not return to work. Our relationship has not been affected. I babysit when they go out for a meal,
I have retired now and everything is hunky-dory. Just last week I stayed overnight with the boys (they have two now), to allow them to go out for a meal with friends .
You have to be straight with them. Your health is your priority.
I am shocked that the rest of the family are not sympathetic to your situation.
I hope things improve

It's about time your daughter showed sone empathy.
Parents don't have to become martys when their ADULT children give birth.

Please dont cry. You have not let her down and she did not ask for help. Over on mumsnet they complain that MIL especially is at the house too much.
I honestly think your son and dil are nasty for taking sides. It's not of their business.
I would try once more to explain to your daughter then let it be. I do think she is a bit entitled especially as she knows of your health conditions.

To be honest, she sounds quite brutal, and as a result you have had your confidence and self esteem badly knocked. If you looked after your grandson two days a week and also for four days after the second baby was born then you have certainly done your share of childcare. She should be grateful! Especially as you have health issues. I do not think you have let her down as you seem to think. What has happened is that she has made you feel as though you have let her down.

During that period after the birth when she says she wanted your help, where was her husband? Surely the very reason he was off work was to help her.

I realise there are two sides to every story, but if she is ignoring your health issues and bad mouthing you to the rest of the family then that is appalling behaviour. Those are two things which should never happen. She needs to understand that you have feelings too and that your health really is an issue, but only time will teach her that. Can you get one family member on your side to speak up for you?

I'm not sure there is anything you can actively do, as she doesn't seem to have any empathy for you. Is she your only child? If so then maybe step back for a while until she realises she still needs your help. Keep the lines of communication open, but don't chase her. You will come across as needy and you want her to need you. Send texts to say you hope all is well etc. and birthday cards. When you send a card just write in it that you love her and to let you know if she needs anything. In fact a pretty card sent in the post saying just that might tug at her heart strings.

How very sad Annge
that you're being treated like this.
She sounds depressed and tired to me and is lashing out at you because she thinks you can take the lashing.

Truth is you can't at least not while you have your own poor health .

Her partner should be helping her. Have you a DH to support you or friends or family?
As for your DS and DiL - words fail me!
Can you ask DS what's really going on?

I hope when the dust settles DD will realise how she has hurt you and will apologise.
Meanwhile let her alone to stew

I am so sorry to hear this and completely relate! I am in an almost identical position with my youngest daughter who chooses to ignore my health problems even going so far as to lie to others eg mum didnt really have cancer shes just being a martyr etc!) any attempt I make to put down boundaries with my time and energy is “selfish” and because I have been petrified of loosing contact with the children I have been flogging myself into the ground. Tomorrow for example she has hired a van to get stuff to the tip and I am supposed to be helping with that 😳

jenpax

I am so sorry to hear this and completely relate! I am in an almost identical position with my youngest daughter who chooses to ignore my health problems even going so far as to lie to others eg mum didnt really have cancer shes just being a martyr etc!) any attempt I make to put down boundaries with my time and energy is “selfish” and because I have been petrified of loosing contact with the children I have been flogging myself into the ground. Tomorrow for example she has hired a van to get stuff to the tip and I am supposed to be helping with that 😳

That would be the deal breaker for me....any child of mine who said I hadn't really had cancer ( when I had) ...I woulld walk away from....no going back from that ....thats disgusting behaviour

My Mum always used to say to me, you decided to have children - you will have to look after them and reading this I feel the same about your daughter. Grandparents have no moral obligation to offer free childcare or cleaning. It's great if you can offer help but lots of people can't and it's okay to just visit and o 'nice' stuff!

Have your children often made you feel guilty about 'stuff'? I noticed you haven't mentioned their Dad. Was he controlling with you?

I had to read your OP twice Annge because I am stunned by the way you're being treated and made to feel.

Having given so much help already, if your daughter needed more then why didn't she simply ask for it? It is not you who has let her down, she's let you down by treating you so badly and garnering 'support' from your son and d.i.l. and it appears attempting to do so, from your wider family.

As rafichagran has posted, it's none of their business and I find it odd that they should take this opportunity situation to cut (you) off completely. Have there been any problems with your relationship with your son and his wife prior to your daughter's outburst?

I would advise against involving any other family members by asking them to speak up for you as this is and should have remained between you and your daughter, and involving other family members usually makes the situation worse, as has been shown with your son and his wife.

I would take some time to try and calm down and if you have a trusted friend you can share this with, who knows you and your children, talk this through with them.

You ask what you can do to repair the relationship but in all honesty as you're not the one who has damaged it, there's very little if anything you can do.

You raised your children and now it's up to your children to raise their own. So what if you take holidays!!! Your life is your own and has no bearing on your willingness and ability to help out with your GC.

In your place I would say and do nothing for the time being and when ready I would write to her, not unkindly, but telling her how she has made you feel because you are not a rubbish mum/gran, have not and never would let her down. That you are sorry and confused in equal measure that she feels this way, that you love her and the children and as much as you miss them, you wont be treated in this way.

Shame on your son and his wife, and shame on any of your family if they have listened to her tale of woe and not spoken up for you at the time, which is what they should have done.

This is I think, is a pivotal time in your relationship. Your daughter needs to accept the limitations that your health has when it comes to helping with the children. If she doesn't and you try to maintain the relationship on her terms, by being at her beck and call despite the detrimental affect on your health, there may come a time when you can't do anything at all and if this is what your relationship depends on, what will happen then?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this as being estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 13.5 years I know how painful this is so even though you don't want me too, I do feel sorry for you because I feel sorry for any parent who has cruel and entitled children.

x

So .... you are being cold-shouldered and criticised for not doing something that you were not asked to do! If she needed help then all she had to do was say: "I am not coping Mum and really need you to come over and help me."

You had her child for 4 days during the delivery - a key contribution to the new arrival.

You have done nothing wrong. Just say very clearly that you would have been happy to help if you had been asked. That you are sorry that wires got crossed and she must let you know what she needs in future.

I think your DD is out of order to escalate this to other family members. She is very much in the wrong over this.

Firstly, you do need to look after yourself first or you’re no use to anyone.

Secondly you’re not a mind reader. None of us are. Your daughter could/should have asked for more help and then you couldn’t have decided whether you could do this.

Finally, I hope for all of you that this passes and resolves itself.

Don’t tell yourself you’re “a rubbish mum/nan”, because even if you feel that way and the rest of the family so too, you cannot change the past, just the future.

Personally, and I clearly only have your side of the story, it was awful of your daughter to discuss the issue between yourself and her with the rest of the family and therefore involving them all.

If you can, please try and repair this relationship before it gets to the point that it becomes past repairing.

Please think very hard about what you want from this relationship and how to approach her without 1) accepting full blame and 2) blaming her for everything.

Sometimes our children have utterly ridiculous expectations from us as parents, sometimes we don’t consider our children’s feeling enough.

Just try your best to speak to her calmly.

What about your husband? And hers?

Best of luck, I truly hope you can work things out

Post partum hormones. You have been a good mum and gran. Just suck it up for now. Apologise and ask her what she wants in future and how you can help in future.

It will pass if you don’t make it worse.

Hmmm.🤔

Annge, I am sure you feel very upset, but do remember, that a young Mum, struggling with feeding and caring for new baby, looking after older sibling and going through all sort of post-pregnancy hormone changes can feel and say things in the heat of the moment, that they learn, later to regret.

I will give my own case - My third child was born a month early, so was sent to hospital and could not have a home birth. Other two children were only 3 yrs and 2 yrs at the time. Hospital was several miles from home, and as our car was unusable, hubbie hired a car to visit me. Then he had an accident in this car and begged me to come home. So I discharged me and baby from hospital - and that, itself, is another story as to how the staff reacted to this.
So, neighbour drove me home and Mum and Dad were there to greet me. I always had a very close relationship with my parents (particularly my Mum), even closer now the only other grandchildren were enstranged from them due to how my brother had treated his wife,
So, I just expected my Mum to stay with me for a short while to help me with older two children, whilst I properly established feeding with baby.
However, my big strong Dad was feeling poorly (he did turn out to have a heavy cold), and said that he wanted/needed his wife to be at home looking after him.
I was so angry at the time (Selfishly so), shouted that if they did not help NOW, then they would have nothing more to do with their grandchildren. My Mum left in tears, and I also cried.
This was early December, and they normally came to me for Christmas (which was also their wedding anniversary). They sent pressies for the children, but that was all. It was a sad Xmas although we did see hubbies Mum and family. I missed my Mum and Dad.
Early February, my Mum phoned me - I was so delighted and within days we had got together and put behind us those last few sad weeks. It was never mentioned again, and fortunately, we were able to have many more celebrations and Christmas's together before my Mum, and then Dad died a few years later.

However, silly as sounds, I still feel so very guilty about that missing Christmas. I totally accept the fault lay with me, expecting them (they were quite elderly g.parents) to look after my children (whom I had chosen to have). I would give a lot to be able to go back in time to 1972 and have that Christmas properly.

Saying things in the heat of the moment usually means to the person or people in the vicinity at the time Franbern. Repeating whatever supposedly did or did not happen to one's sibling and partner with heartbreaking repercussions, plus extended family members doesn't sound like being in the heat of the moment to me.

If my daughter had spoken to me on the phone and sounded really down after the birth, I must admit I’d have forgotten my own issues and asked if she wanted my help straight away, and I’d have gone there to take my GD out, have her with me for a few nights more, helped out with housework and cooking, looked after the baby so she could sleep, or or whatever it took. My SIL is great, but he’s not the most practical, and she would want him to help too. Sorry, I’m only speaking for myself, not being critical.

Just a thought, maybe your DD is suffering from post-natal depression. It can be overwhelming and make you lash out at your nearest and dearest.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Perhaps your daughter needs to realise that you're not a mind-reader.