Birthday Party Blues

Sounds like your son and daughter-in-law were being thoughtful by including her parents in the celebrations as they were not at the birthday party like you.

Macaydia

*Astitchintime*: Isn't it a competition? That we don't admit?

My words were “ I have always maintained that grandparenting is not a competition” ………. that is my personal observation within our family and all the grandparents get along just fine.
Why pick the bones out of my comment?

I agree with GrannyGravy. Please explain why the other grandparents weren’t at the party. I think you are overthinking it all. You had the pleasure of being at your grandsons birthday party. Your DIL wanted to include her parents as well (for whatever reason they couldn’t attend). Don’t cause problems when there isn’t any.

my son divorced his wife , he had 2 children 2 and 1, he got them at weekends, then he gave them to me whilst he went out to see his new lady friend, I had them every weekend until they were 15 and didnt need a babysitter anymore. i found out that when my grandaughter was 25 she had got married, my son and his new mother in law and wife kept it secret from us, as did my younger son, they all went to the wedding and said nothing, she didnt invite her grandpa and me, i will never understand it, her grandpa died suddenly 2 months later, unforgivable

Hi , had a bit if a similar experience before my son became estranged. My grand daughters 5th birthday was coming up a few years back and my husband was actually not going to be working for a change( shift work , ugh) so I texted my son and politely asked when we coyld come over to give her her presents and spend a bit of time with them . The birthday was on a Saturday. My son , knowing full well that his stepfather has always worked shifts and that this was great that he would actually have the weekend off , texted back saying ‘ oh its her party mum on the Saturday and sunday we’re busy so can you come the following weekend?’
I replied ‘sorry your sd is working that weekend, I’ll post her presents’
We were mortified. Things went downhill from there and we were nc 6 months later.

These differing family dynamics can be so upsetting and I understand why you are so upset, I would be too. I wonder how the meet up afterwards was arranged and who was responsible for the invitations. Is it possible you and your dil don't get on very well? Or maybe you don't get on with her parents? Personally I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying something to my son about my disappointment but I also realise this is probably not a good idea idea. Maybe best just to get on with things, ask if they had a good time and pretend you're not hurt and this way avoid any possible rifts in the family.

I personally think that mum's parents are closer than dad's, it's just the natural way things are.

Miss Adventura. Brilliant!! Princesjonsie, please oh please do it - and circulate the photo far and wide. Sending hugs.

It hurts I know. Sometimes it’s just better not to know. I’ve been there.

That made me cry that’s so cruel - I’m sorry to read that - sending a hug xx

57VRS

Hi , had a bit if a similar experience before my son became estranged. My grand daughters 5th birthday was coming up a few years back and my husband was actually not going to be working for a change( shift work , ugh) so I texted my son and politely asked when we coyld come over to give her her presents and spend a bit of time with them . The birthday was on a Saturday. My son , knowing full well that his stepfather has always worked shifts and that this was great that he would actually have the weekend off , texted back saying ‘ oh its her party mum on the Saturday and sunday we’re busy so can you come the following weekend?’
I replied ‘sorry your sd is working that weekend, I’ll post her presents’
We were mortified. Things went downhill from there and we were nc 6 months later.

That’s so sad
Why are adult children like this - the heart ache caused is irreparable.

We have never been invited to any of our son and DIL children's parties, school plays or any other events. Christmas Dinner once several years ago and the eldest is 17 now. Sometimes you visit and DIL will chat to you, other times she completely ignores us. Even when one of the DGC was in hospital we saw it on FB first. Always have to make an appointment to visit which has never been our way. DIL has parted ways with her own mother too as the mother wanted to move to the coast and DIL had a huge row with her about it forbidding her to go. She went anyway and is very happy there.
I think it's a thing that paternal grandparents get left out of many things to do with grandchildren in favour of the DILs parents.
I feel for you OP it's not a nice thing to do.

Please come back Princessjonsie and let us know how you are..

It seems like very bad manners and I would be very hurt. That said was no invite forthcoming because it was at the other grandparents home and it was up to them to invite you not your son and his wife? I would tread carefully as others have suggested and perhaps just mention it to your son casually if you feel you need. You sound like a very sensible woman and I’m sure you will handle it with care.

I have to say, there is no way I would make myself almost an unpaid skivvy to people who lacked the ability to even think about my feelings.

That includes offspring.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Has there been a disagreement in the past which May still be rankling?

Shelflife

I completely understand how you feel.
However I urge you to tread with care. So many GP. are at odds with their AC - please dont let that happen . You sound to be a very sensible woman and a wonderful GM . I agree it was mean , you should have been invited to the maternal GP home. However, don't let what happened damage your relationship with your son and DIL.

Good advice.
Tho it wasn’t at all fair to be left out there are two ways of looking at it.
Am presuming the other grandparents weren’t at the first birthday party, so it was nice for them to have a celebration later on.
Or… as usual the DIL and her family take precedence in these things and it will happen a lot in the future.If so, there’s nothing to be done, it is what it is, sadly.
And if you’re left out in the future stop helping clean up.

MissAdventure

I have to say, there is no way I would make myself almost an unpaid skivvy to people who lacked the ability to even think about my feelings.

That includes offspring.

Yes!

Princessjonsie

I would quietly take my son aside and ask, out of curiosity, was there was any reason I wasn’t invited by the maternal GP. I think it’s best to know these things or it plays on your mind and it can make something out of nothing. Also I would until I wasn’t so upset.
Wishing you well.

Princessjonsie

Should have said I would wait until I wasn’t so upset x

Thinking more about the situation, as you were at the actual party, the visit to the other grandparents was to ensure they didn’t miss out. It was up to those grandparents to invite you too, but it probably didn’t occur to them. I don’t think your son is to blame. It wasn’t his place to invite you.
But without knowing a bit more background it is impossible for us to say, other than sympathising with your feeling hurt and left out.

That is awful! the other grandparents always ask me to things and vice versa and we share childcare. I think that is not only hurtful but crass and rude! You are close family... I would ask your sin why you were not invited??? And let him know how hurt you are. Hugs to you.🥰

I think several of us felt this was the case Cabbie21.

I've been thinking about this and I really do think why they didn't invite you is it was the other grandparents' home so it wasn't up to your son and DIL to extend an invitation to you, and also they obviously were not at the party you attended so it was nice that the family went to see them.

I really do not think you were treated poorly by anyone - it was just as I wrote above, they intended no disrespect to you.

How cruel and unkind. I felt really sad reading your post and feel for you. You sound really lovely and do not deserve to be treated like this. Personally I would have to ask my son why I was excluded and what necessitated such rudeness towards you. I think if you do not say something/ask then it will always 'fester' inside you. Take care of yourself.