we have moved to be near my son and wonder if we made a mistake

An hour each way really isn't that far, when all is said and done.
Maybe you should have left the move until later as you seemed quite happy with the travelling from your end, just your son and DiL that, sorry to say, sounds like they couldn't be bothered.
Apologies again, but where did all these lovely parents that are on here, manage to raise such selfish children? Not a day goes by without someone complaining about the lack of time that they get to spend with their AC and GC for various reasons, or maybe the expectations are too high?
So many retire after working full time or in your case, move house with the idea in their minds that the rest of the family should slot into their new life, and most often are sadly disappointed.
Your son may just be very busy and having 2? littlies to now look after as well as help out his wife, unfortunately his parents come further down the list of priorities.
I think that you need to give it more time to get used to where you are now. Do you have any contact with the in law parents? Perhaps if you try and form a friendship with them, instead of seeing them as competition as you seem to be doing, might help. It's perfectly normal that you DiL turns to her parents first.
Just give it time and give yourselves a chance to get to know the area and what else it has to offer before you make any more moving decisions.

Did you buy this house or are you renting ? That would have a lot of bearing on how easy it would be to move again. I cannot understand what you mean about struggling with the house. Too big, too small ? Surely you saw it before the move. You say you were expecting the relationship with your son to improve after the move, have there always been problems there ? It sounds as if you have unrealistic expectations about the help you expected, your son to give you with a little one and a new baby to care for.

I wish my family was only one hour away.

You should give it more time - a year at least. You will have moved during the more depressing months of the year and Covid restrictions won't have helped.

Look forward to the better weather and hopefully a lifting of restrictions. Don't look back, look forward. You have much to be thankful for.

It is very sad and emotional when there are issues within families and I understand why you moved and why you feel the way you do now - with Covid restrictions/lockdown, you need to give it more time as you are not getting a feel for how it would normally be to live in your new location. However, I would love to live an hour from my daughter and first grandchild instead of 3 hours!

Akenside62 I'm so sorry you are so unhappy and can quite see how you would have built up your hopes of happy family occasions and visits. We have just moved to be near our daughter - 20 miles away we didn't think it fair to be on their doorstep. We were both very clear with each other that the move was so that not only we could support them and help with their house, garden, decorating etc but also that it was a new adventure for us- new friends, new activities, new places to visit. Can you try and see it like that? I do know several people who moved to be very near to their children and it wasn't entirely welcomed. This is a very difficult time to do all those new things - well impossible. I do know how it is DH is shielding so we cant really go anywhere so we are garden planning, looking at plants on the internet, planning some spring planting. Wait a while, see what happens in the spring when we will be allowed out to do more things. I would back off from the children for now and just be very jolly and upbeat when they do ring so they want to see you as soon as they are able. I say this light heartedly - no-one loves a grump. Chin up.

Oh dear, yes, it's no good people questioning your reasons now, it's done. All I can say is, give it time, don't ' try' so hard, amdaybe things will improve. Once this pandemic s over, hopefully many things will be better. Spend the time making your home yours ?.

and maybe!

I imagine a lot of people who have moved to a new area this year feel the same as you. It has been a really weird 12 months anyway without adding in moving from your long term family home and area to a new house/area. As others have said, you need to give it time. Adapt the house to suit your needs 'for now' and start looking for a job in your new area. Even if you aren't much help with your grandchildren now, long term it will be nice living close so try to just think of how you and your husband are going to settle in and what will help. Hopefully this time next year things will start to open up socially too, which will help.

It's strange how differently we see things, isn't it.
The selfishness of some adult children has been commented on, yet that isnt where I see the responsibility in this case.

It sounds to me, Akenside, like it was a recipe for disaster from the start, based on unrealistic expectations on your part.

"We did childmind for them 1 a week but was finding it financially difficult to travel every week"

"Although we did not really like where they lived we thought being near the grandchildren would make up for it."

Make up for it in what way(s)? Did you ask your son and dil's opinion on your moving so close to them, and whether your expectations matched theirs?

"they havent really been any support since weve been here"

What did you expect when they have a new baby?

I don't know of you intended it to, but your post makes it sound (to me) as if the move was all about you and what you wanted, but it was never going to work if the others were not on board with it.

I can't see any positives at all in your move from your son's point of view - you can't child mind any more than you did before, yet you seem to 'expect' more from them now that you live so close. You said that you were "^hoping the relationship would improve"^ if you lived closer, but under the circumstances, I don't think that was ever likely to happen. Quite the opposite.

If you can afford to, then I suggest move again, but give your OH a say in this.
If you decide to stay put, for goodness do not try to guilt-trip your son or put pressure on him to help you. He will have enough on his plate with his young family, without being expected to deal with the repercussions of your unilateral decision to move house.

Whether you decide to stay put, or move house again, just live your life and let them live theirs.
Make the most of any time you do get with your dgc, but don't push for more than is offered unless you want to damage even further an already strained relationship.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you all.

Did you even discuss it with them before you made the move. And I mean a proper doscussion not just you telling them you were doing it?

And qhatbwill you do if they decide to move away on the future?

I do sympathize with your difficult situation. My son and his family don't come to see me or communicate any more. I have no idea what l've done to upset them. A hours drive is nothing really are they using this as an excuse. So many times l've arranged to go over to see them at the last minute there's always a problem. I think they forget how much l've helped them when I was working. I've always put them and others first before myself. Look where it's got me. Think of yourselves do what is best for you and your husband. I hope you find a solution.

I haven't read all of the comments so maybe I'm repeating, sorry if that is the case.
Firstly, write down the pros and cons on a big piece of paper, do it over several days when you think of things. Sometimes it is so obvious but when it is all a mish mash in your mind combined with worry , it makes no sense.
Is it an option to move again?
Do take care, spring is coming xx

My mother and father moved when they were in their late seventies to an apartment block for the over 55s just a few streets away from us. My mother had had surgery for bowel cancer, was having chemotherapy, and had decided she was dying, so she told me they moved so that I could look after my father now.

At that time my husband and I were working full-time and our daughters were both at university, although one was living at home. We helped as much as we could, but my father really struggled with all the packing and unpacking, as well as visiting my mother in hospital twice a day.

Once she was home and feeling better, I had to put some boundaries in place. She very much wanted us to be at her beck and call, becoming really angry if we didn't drop everything and come running. We did their big shop for them once a week in the evening; I came to visit on a Wednesday afternoon, which by then was my half-day; we took them to Church every Sunday. If they needed any DIY doing, it would have to wait until the weekend.

My father died seven years ago aged 92. My mother is 93 and is still angry!

I moved to New Zealand 5 years ago to be nearer my only son and grandchildren.

It was a big decision but i decided to live about an hour away from them as they had their lives to,live, and I felt my late husband and I had had our lives and did not want them feeling obligated to come to see me every week etc., I have joined a church and a scrabble club and Granny read at a school. It took me a few months to settle but I love my life.

I love my family but don’t see much of them. Knowing they are near is a great comfort.

It is early days so do give it more time. It is important I think to make new friends. You may well feel more settled in a few months. I do believe after a year you will know the right thing to do for you and your husband. Good luck ?

As I read it there are several themes. Envy of other grandparents - is that a real worry and why? The property you have moved to - what are the problems with that? Contact with grand children - how much IS enough? Relationships with son, DIL? You don't mention your OH - how is he about the move? The job - are you prepared to travel?... etc

I would give it a little more time for starters, we are living through difficult times. Personally I would give it a year and then if you’re still unhappy look at the possibility of moving back.

The second thing I noticed is something that you might like to try. My husband is a ‘glass half empty’ sort of chap. He is a lovely husband, father and grandfather, but tends to look on the gloomy side. I am very positive, so we balance each other out nicely. Looking back I think that my positive outlook is all down to my late Mother. I had a few challenges to overcome and I think she gently drummed into me over years and years a positive outlook to help me to overcome life’s hurdles. I only realised this recently. I am not saying it is easy, but fostering a positive outlook might help. I have always like the Jewish practice of counting your blessings, so that in the most difficult times we remind ourselves of the good things in our lives. I hope that you find some resolution that works out for both you and your husband and that this time next year you will be in a much better place (mentally). Good luck ?

My mil moved from the Midlands to live next door to her dd in Cumbria.
She was 65 at the time and looked after dd`s two children whilst dd was at work.
Long story short when dd`s children were grown up dd moved to London and left mil behind and alone.
She eventualy came back to the Midlands and went down hill very fast and sadly died around 3 years later.
I wouldn`t advice anyone to move closer to dc for that very reason.

I can understand your feelings! My husband and I moved over 70 miles away from our hometown in 2003, when my daughter was 12 and my son was 9. My son has disabilities and we moved to get him the help and support he needed. I had to give up my job which I loved and my daughter never settled at school here, so she went back to our hometown to study in 2010 and now works and lives there. My husband point blank refuses to move back to our hometown! I became a grandma for the first time on 12th January and so upset I can't see the baby! What can I do, it's making me very depressed?

Perhaps things will change, when there are less risks with covid and we can see our families again. We however are moving 3 hrs away from our family and hopefully when we do see them it will be good quality time together. Hope everything works out for you, just give it a little time and enjoy your life. X

It's lovely to see your grandchildren and help out with them when they are little but they soon grow up and don't need so much looking after and may not want to spend too much time with their GPs. Your DS and DiL will have their own friends and won't want to spend all their time with you. I know, I've experienced this but luckily didn't move house to be near them, and we have lots of friends in the clubs and groups we are involved with. You have to live your own lives first and have family as only part of it.

I really feel for you (and as I’ve been thinking about a similar move I’ve taken it on board as a warning). This has been a terrible time to move and when you live somewhere new it’s so important to give yourself time to get used to not just your new home but also the area, neighbours, activities etc. Do try and stay calm and give yourself time - when this awful pandemic has passed it will hopefully get easier and spring is round the corner .

I think the relationship with your son will probably remain the same as before you moved closer
One of my friends moved over 200 miles to be closer to their adult children. Her son visited every 3/4 months despite living only 400 years away. DDs visit every month and live 15 miles away. Exactly same as before she moved. She's very disappointed bits that's how it stayed.

I can understand the temptation to move to be nearer our children, but I would always be concerned that they would move away due to work, etc, and then I would be on my own again. It’s obviously something that has to be thought about very seriously.

400 yards not years

I think you should have gave this move a lot more thought before you done it .