Dressing the grand children

Could you ask him why he wants to upset you, and why he is happy to use his children to do so? That seems a very strange thing to say, don't you think?

Otherwise, it is often the case that people with the most money spend the least on things that don't make financial sense, such as expensive clothes for children who will grow out of them. Hand me downs are sensible, although clothes that don't fit, and ones that are inappropriate for the season are perhaps a step too far.

It could be that your son was being sarcastic when he said that he was just trying to upset you (meaning that you shouldn't get upset about how he and his wife dress their children). It's not my sense of humour, but some people do find saying that sort of thing amusing.

If the children are otherwise cared for, and are not suffering as a result of how they are dressed (eg getting chapped legs because of the shorts, or marks where waistlines dig into them), then it really isn't your call, I'm afraid.

My own mother used to keep telling me that I should enjoy dressing my daughter in pretty dresses, when I preferred to let her run about in jeans (often passed down from her brother) so she was comfortable. She was a fair bit younger than eight at that point though. By eight she had her own ideas about what she wanted to wear - what does your granddaughter feel about it?

Surely your son was being sarcastic when he said that? Maybe a silly answer for a question he felt wasn't your concern?

I wouldn't worry too much. I never spend a great deal on my children's clothes. They aren't really 'into' clothes, it's very hard to get them out of items they love, and it makes no sense to spend money on clothes for kids who love to play outdoors and explore and get messy a lot. I never wanted to spoil their explorations and fun, let alone the educational and developmental values they get from it, by having to worry about them ruining clothes.

One of mine I can't even get to go shopping when I really want them to because they really need clothes. As long as they are clothed and warm (and some kids don't feel the cold), I wouldn't worry.

Is it just the clothes or are you worried about other areas in their life as well?

No just the clothes. And thank you for your feed back! Great advice.

this could be seen as a form of abuse, esp as they are not having to do this due to lack of funds.
it seems negligent to ignore not only the physical aspects of sizing but also how the children might feel about this, as if they are not worth bothering about.
there was a discussion on MN recently where adults remembered having this experience, with well-off parents who seemed not to care how their children felt, or looked, or might be bullied, ridiculed or looked down upon. the fact that their parents were well-off made it all the more incomprehensible, and distressing.
i'm not saying this is the case with your GC, but having read about it recently from people adversely affected by it, these thought jump out.

No I don’t suspect abuse, frankly gd is a big talker she would have told me. She is allowed to pick out her own clothes and she doesn’t like itchy things- why keep size 5 in the drawers if she is a size 8? I think the parents are busy and disorganized. When she was five I went through all her drawers and pulled out size threes and twos and 12 months and pack them in bags so her mother could sell them if she wanted to

On the flip side there are parents (like me) who really want to take their child shopping for clothes but, most of the time, it's just not worth the battle. My child sometimes wears clothes two sizes too small because they won't give it up even though I've suggested it. It still works for them but it's not how I'd prefer it to look. If they go out, no-one looks twice, so it can't be too obvious. I care more about how my child is dressed than the child does. I do also respect their autonomy in being free to be themselves and make their own choices about what they wear (as long as it's reasonable). When I have to, I have put my foot down about wearing, or at least bringing, a warmer top.

Myself and my siblings always remember being overdressed and feeling hot because our mother determined how many clothes we needed on for the weather.

turtle3639

No I don’t suspect abuse, frankly gd is a big talker she would have told me. She is allowed to pick out her own clothes and she doesn’t like itchy things- why keep size 5 in the drawers if she is a size 8? I think the parents are busy and disorganized. When she was five I went through all her drawers and pulled out size threes and twos and 12 months and pack them in bags so her mother could sell them if she wanted to

That was not your business to do. If you did that to my child, I'd have a very upset child on my hands and would have to fish them out again.

I get around my child's clothing issues by sometimes having things that are really past it disappear. I keep an eye out for things they would like and just get them as I come across them. Then I slip them into their clothes pile. Any time they express an appreciation for an item of clothing in the store, I offer to buy it for them. Somehow we keep a working wardrobe going.

I realise my child is not like most children in this but people don't need to interfere.

I’m also of the opinion that your son’s comment was sarcasm. I doubt he would be neglectful of his daughter to upset you, unless he is a truly heinous person, which it doesn’t sound like he is. Have you brought up the clothes issue before? It sounds like it’s become a sore subject for both of you. I would back off the clothes issue and trust that your son and DIL can take care of their children. Some kids have their favorite items of clothing that they are unwilling to part with, so parents let them hang onto them until they truly can’t fit anymore. Some kids run hot, and are perfectly comfortable wearing shorts in the winter. My son’s classroom is swelteringly hot in the winter, so he wears shorts and brings along pants in case they go outside. I’ve volunteered in that room before and I know how hot it is.

As for cleaning out your granddaughters clothes while her parents were out...did you ask them first? If not, that really wasn’t your place to go though and remove your granddaughter’s things. I understand you meant to be helpful, but I’m willing to bet your son and DIL found it intrusive. You shouldn’t do that again unless they ask. Otherwise you may find yourself not being asked to babysit.

turtle3639

No I don’t suspect abuse, frankly gd is a big talker she would have told me. She is allowed to pick out her own clothes and she doesn’t like itchy things- why keep size 5 in the drawers if she is a size 8? I think the parents are busy and disorganized. When she was five I went through all her drawers and pulled out size threes and twos and 12 months and pack them in bags so her mother could sell them if she wanted to

Did the parents ask you to do this?

I would have been furious if my mother or mother-in-law had taken it upon themselves to go through drawers.

My gs insists on wearing shorts although the rest of the class wear joggers. He and his brother choose their own clothes but usually look smart and colourful.

Hand me downs are recycling by a different name and I totally approve.
I think your son was rather witty.

I remember my nephew going through a phase when he would only wear an ancient pair of Superman pyjamas. They were too small, and my sister used to have to wash them when he was in bed (when, oddly, he was willing to take them off). He refused to wear the new pair she bought him in the right size, as he could tell that they weren't 'his' ones.

He was too young for school, or she would have had to put her foot down, but as it was she just rode it out and he grew out of it after a while. Maybe your granddaughter is having a similar phase?

I also think that going through the drawers and deciding what your son and his wife should sell is outrageous! I would have been absolutely furious if someone had done that in my house.

My 8yr GS will only wear shorts winter and summer alike. It’s not a big deal. Children often wear what they like, not always what their parents dictate (unless they are Royals?)

Are you in the US turtle ?
I actually had a similar scenario, in the end just bought clothes for them and handed them over as presents to make sure they were wearing clothes that fitted.It is hard to understand when lack of money plays no part in it.
Disorganised in that the parents don’t check their children's clothes as they should do.

DD and SIL are a bit like that, clothes are worn to death, it is usually me who gets rid of them if he happens to take them off down here. He and I normally go to a lot of exhibitions and concerts and I keep smart clothes down here, then he changes when we get home.
DGS Godparents are childless and tend to buy things they think look cute rather than in the right size. Last winters cozy jacket was a size 5/6 he is 8.
The scruffiness bugs me and I know DD takes a perverse pleasure in it.
It is strange as SIL is a very dapper well dressed French/Belgian who even gets changed if he is moving the car !!
Nowt as queer as folk.

my daughters friend is like this her children never get new clothes.When my daughter gave money for the wee girls birtday she bought cheap dungarees from a local shop.When asked why she bought clothes the wee soul said because mummy thinks new clothes are a waste of money and S(gd) always has nice new things .The parents are always well dressed and run very expensive cars ,its a form of selfishness that I find hard to understand .

Perhaps the children like the smaller clothes and shorts. If they are 8 and around that age they will have their own preferences. I am shocked that you would go through their drawers and remove things. That is very interfering and I'm not surprised there are often posts from mothers complaining about their mothers and MiLs! Would never do that!

One of my grand-daughters, aged 7, loves shorts in all weathers. Her delight knew no bounds when she discovered M&S do grey school uniform pinafore shorts. You will just have to grin and bear it, I'm afraid. Just wait until their teens. Everything black, shredded jeans, piercings, bare midriffs, multi-coloured hair. You won't be able to say anything then either!

Children seem to choose their own clothes these days. When I was young my mother told me what to wear every day, so far as I remember. It was only when I got to 13 or so that I rebelled and was allowed to choose my own clothes. I still remember my father being upset because I saved my meagre pocket money and bought myself jeans from Woolworths. He said he never thought he would see his daughter in jeans. All my grandchildren were allowed to wear what they wanted, when they wanted, out of school and some very strange results there were, too. I don't think it matters really. We should not be judging people of any age by the clothes they wear.

I apologise in advance as I fear this May come across as harsher than intended, but clothes etc and what is “appropriate” is a parenting issue and you are not the parent here.
At age 8 it’s very likely that your GC picks or has input on their own clothing and preferences.
I’d also add that the label doesn’t necessarily equate with fit. My DD was v tall for her age as a child, but very slim, and at age 14/15 the only shorts we could get that wouldn’t slide down her hips were an age 10.
The parents may well be busy and disorganised, but they have a child who is by your own admission loved and cared for which is worth it’s weight in gold.

I wonder also ... was the action of going through the drawers behind behind ds’s sarcastic comment. A comment that was a sarcastic joke that OP took as being serious.

You are way overstepping your boundaries

My kids started picking what they want to wear since they are 2 years old, showing preference for what they like starting at 1.5 y.o.
They also prefer hand me downs vs new clothes

Let your gc show their personality and ability to make their own decisions instead of fitting them into your mold

Horrible grammar, my apologies

I would not dream of going through anyone else's drawers which are private places. That is really stepping over boundaries.