Not living near daughter

I still feel sorry for her though. I know quite well I'd feel the same. (Not the walking away bit though. Never that)

Or is that another thread?

Give your DC roots and wings

Another gem I learnt from Gransnet.

They need TLC and not a stick, just like our grand kids when they wake up in the middle of the night screaming that there's a monster in the room! We know there isn't but we empathise and help them. Just because we grow old and grey doesn't mean we can be free of monsters! Only their shapes are different.

Naheed, very well put.

Sometimes we have to say "There isn't a monster, you're imagining it. It may seem real, but there is not a monster!"

Naheed has gone, I think
I will not be bullied or get into any discussions with bullies or aggressive individuals, and I will remove myself from the company of such people.
ie posters on this thread

I can see the point naheed is making.
People who are depressed can see only the negatives at times, regardless of the positives of a situation.

Point taken MissA

It is not fair, though, when posters who are trying to be helpful and offer positive solutions are called bullies or aggressive individuals or posters are trying to explain that they do, in fact, understand the difference between a bereavement and having a daughter who lives a distance away whom you may only see occasionally.

It has already been suggested that perhaps the OP could be helped by her doctor.

Hopefully, if she is still reading, she'll consider going to the doctor, perhaps to ask for counselling?
I still don't think its necessarily doing her any favours by everyone agreeing how terrible it is; far better to be shown that people can and do cope with challenging situations and work though them.

My mother was, sadly, like OP, but grew to be much worse as time went on and I hope Silvercat will read this (as well as the other helpful and empathetic messages on here).
Because my mother made our lives hell as a result of her jealousy towards my in-laws (mil in particular), we dreaded every visit (by car a 600 mile round trip). Please don't have a toxic relationship like that - speak to your daughter and tell her how you feel. But add to that conversation that you love her very much and if you can help her in any way at all, just to ask you. Remember her husband is the no.1 person in her life now and the mums have to take a back seat. Do you get on ok with the other parents? My mother refused to, but that was her jealous personality - if HRH had been my mil, she would still have found fault! My mother also has suffered from depression from her childhood but I think she refused all kindness and would not take responsibility.
I'm sure you are stronger than this Silvercat or you would not have posted on here. This is the next happy stage in your life and is so wonderful! Just think of the first time you meet your daughter's new baby and he/she meets his/her Granny (or Nanny or Grandma)! Try to find comfort in some of the messages here, most of them are understanding and caring x

I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with depression and anxiety, although of course it could do. I think it's just a fact that the mothering side of life is more important to some than to others. Just a fact of life.

If anything came between me and my daughters I would be devastated.

While silvercat is asking her GP about anxiety and depression, she might want to ask about borderline personality disorder as well.

Because this is textbook splitting on the daughter for perceived abandonment.

Well, I think that is across the board for all mums.
Its not just a few who feel like that, but, if the love is strong enough, nothing at all will ever diminish it, regardless of who lives where, who sees more, who earns most, or any other facts of life.

While silvercat is asking her GP about anxiety and depression, she might want to ask about borderline personality disorder as well.

Yes it is but there are many things that lead to skewed thinking. Perhaps you could right her a list!

Sometimes we have to say "There isn't a monster, you're imagining it. It may seem real, but there is not a monster!"

Yes we do have to say that sometimes but we can say it kindly. Some of the comments are bluntly harsh, others say the same thing but in a kinder way which makes it more palatable. I can generally glance at a comment before guessing who might be making it. Those that are unduly harsh, I tend to ignore. Those that make a gentler one, I consider. Sometimes a drip, drip, drip makes more of an impact than out and out rant.

I agree.
There are ways and means, and harsh "pull yourself together" comments aren't going to help, but then this isn't a counselling forum, so some people are too more forthright than others

Icanhandthemback Yes we do have to say that sometimes but we can say it kindly. Some of the comments are bluntly harsh, others say the same thing but in a kinder way which makes it more palatable....Sometimes a drip, drip, drip makes more of an impact than out and out rant

Exactly, very well put!!

Oh Silvercatuk I feel your pain. It's not my daughter, but my (only) son who lives 1000s of miles away in South Korea. It's SO hard to be a long distance grandparent, and whilst Skype, messaging apps and photos are great, nothing compares with a real life hug. We were concerned at first that we wouldn't be able to have a relationship with our dgd, and at first that did seem to be the case. But now that she's nearly 5 and we have met up in person a few times (both here in the UK and in SoKo) I think we do have a relationship (though admittedly not the same as our siblings and their much closer grandchildren). Her Korean grandparents do things differently from us (their way of showing love is by giving money!) and our son assures us that our dgd really does know how loved she is by us. No point in pretending it's easy, it isn't, but we have come to accept the situation for what it is. Don't take any notice of those people who tell you to pull yourself together or get a grip - they obviously don't know how you feel (and they obviously have their own agendas. I know this because I withdrew from GransNet for months because of ill-thought out and hurtful comments). The only advice I can offer really is to try and make the most of and enjoy any contact you do have. Wishing you all the very best.

We live 200 miles away, the other grandma lives 2 miles away and it has never been a problem. The immediate grandma has given a lot of much needed childcare and support, but we are practical doers. we build wendy houses, fix kitchens, work on the garden nature reserve. For their last birthday we decorated the children's bedrooms to their taste, I decorated and made curtains, DH made and assembled furniture, I am still capable of holding my own in a kickabout in the garden.

We had to cancel our last trip as were both down with the dreaded lurgy. When I rang to rearrange, I heard DDiL tell DGS that we would be up in a couple of weeks and I could hear him cheering.

Now, I am not suggesting you have to do what we do, but you just do what you can do in the way you can do it, visit when you can, keep in touch, send letters, postcards and little presents, children LOVE getting things through the post.

I adored one of my grandmas, even though I sometimes didn't see her several years when my fathers job took us to the Far east, but when we were home I knew no greater pleasure than being with her.

Distance isn't a problem, how you deal with it is the crucial issue. Do enter into competition with the other grandma, just do it your way. It really isn't that difficult.

OOPs, last line, Do NOT enter into a competition with the other grandma

Silvercatuk despite others saying suck it up I sympathise and get where you are coming from. You, like me, know your children are now adults, you understand they have their life and their own choices to make but it doesn't stop the feelings of exclusion at milestone events like this one. I totally get how you're feeling and it"s hard and like you don't know the solution. All you want is to share and feel apart of it all but because of distance you know you're not going to get to just pop and mind your grandchild, take them for a walk and engage with your grandchild like the other grandparents. You know all that but it doesn't mean when you hear that the other grandparent is doing all that you are suppose to just suck it up, it hurts and pangs of jealousy are hard to not have. I don't have the answers for you but I understand your feelings. Take care

silvercatuk

Firstly, I can understand that you are upset that you do not live near enough to your daughter to be able to have the sort of relationship you would like with your future grandchild.
However, do try to remember that this situation would be no different no matter where the other grandma-to-be lived.

As for your sensing that your daughter's mil already wants your DD to do things her way, I would say that even if she does, there is nothing to say that your daughter will take any notice. Official parenting advice has changed an awful lot since our children were born, and most modern mums prefer to follow that official advice than that of us grandmas!

I also have a DiL (who I love and get on great with) whose parents live in another country. It is likely that her mum feels as you do, but they are in contact via face time at least weekly, and I know that my DiL takes on board her mum's advice as much as she does mine, even though I see baby regularly.
It must be hard for them. Her mum has only been able to visit once since baby was born eight months ago, and isn't likely to be able to come again until after baby's first birthday. However, when she does come, it will be for several weeks., and I will deliberately take a back seat then.

In the short term, yes, my grandchild will know me better than it knows its other grandma, but I am confident that over time, she will have just as good a relationship with her other grandma, even if it is a less hands-on one for now.

I really hope that things work out well for you. Remember, its not a competition - young children just want to love and be loved, and i hope that you find a way of forging a relationship from a distance

UK50, this is such a good response. My sister, brother and sister in law all have grandchildren within an hour's travel, and yet if I comment how lucky they are (our DS, DiL and DGD live 24 hours away, door to door by train, 2 planes and 2 more trains!) they say things along the lines of "Just get used to it" or "Well, we don't see our grandsons as often as some of our friends". Nowadays, I just keep my mouth shut and keep my feelings to myself

I understand your feelings. It is hard to share a child with another. that is your daughter and new baby. We were a RAAF, defense family and with out last posting our youngest daughter chose to stay behind. She was at Uni and had a boyfriend. Now, 11 years later she is married and expecting her first baby, still in the same place. She too, has her mother-in-law (mil) around the corner whilst we live a 3 hour flight away. Her mil has no daughters and this will be her first granddaughter.
We visit her as often as the finances allow but it is limited.
I am grateful that mil, is a wonderful person and my daughter has grown very close to their family in the past 11 years.
Be happy that your daughter is not alone and is happy. I am. You will always be her Mum, just keep the lines of communication open and enjoy the time you have with your daughter and baby, through the years.
So often life just is not fair but what can you do!
All the very best. Enjoy

Well, time has passed, and you haven't come back into the thread, silvercatuk. But as some others have said, perhaps you are still reading.

If so, I want you to know I sympathize w/ your feelings, including your need for advice on how to cope. I think it would help to separate a couple of things.

"I am already sensing that the mother in law wants my daughter to do things her way."

I take it you're worried about DD. This is between her and her MIL, however. No doubt. DD has also noted her MIL's pushiness and, hopefully, she'll find ways to set boundaries w/ her. It may be cold comfort, but, at least, you don't have to concern yourself w/ this.

Or perhaps you fear that your/your family's ways won't be passed on. That again, will be up to DD. She can do things your way, her MIL's way, or follow new ideas, or a little of all three. Please trust her (and SIL [son-in-law]) to make the best decisions for her and her (their) child.

"I am very concerned I will not have a relationship with the baby when it arrives as I will hardly see it"

A very understandable concern, IMO. Hugs! Please take some comfort in the stories others have told you about fond memories of LDGPs (long distance grandparents). Growing up, I lived far from one GM (grandmother), and only got to visit her about once a year. But it was an extended visit, and I have vivid memories of her.

And that was w/o today's technology. Sure, I get the fact that Skyping and FaceTime, etc. aren't the same as an in-person hug. I think you can develop a relationship w/ your GC, nonetheless, if you make your Skype or FaceTime sessions as memorable as possible. Especially as GC gets older, you can read to her, play word games, etc. during those virtual "visits." You can create wonderful memories for you both over time. No, you won't be able to be closely involved, but you won't be "shut out either. You may have a different relationship w/ GC than you would like, but, IMO, you can build your own special relationship. Please don't walk away from all the joy you both can have.

A few more thoughts...

"How do you think I felt when my daughter took me to a baby shop when I visited at Christmas and we saw a lovely pushchair but on telling her husband later the first words out of his mouth were...it’s not going to be too heavy for my mum is it?"

IMO, it was insensitive to say this in front of you, even if he knew his mum, the PGM (paternal grandmother) was going to be doing some childcare. I get that it hurts b/c it's one more reminder that PGM is going to be w/ GC more than you. I could see having a good (quiet, unbeknownst to DD or SIL) cry over it. But then I would let it go b/c it's just a practical matter. I'm sure SIL wasn't thinking of how his comment might affect you and didn't mean to be hurtful.

"Basically you are all saying suck it up. That’s fine but it loses me my daughter and grandchild. I thought I was close to my daughter but maybe I am wrong. This is hurting me so much."

And my heart goes out to you. I don't think you're losing DD and GC , though, just that the relationship w/ DD is changing and the one w/ GC will be different than you hoped. So yes, you can throw up your hands and walk away - or you can make your interactions memorable (especially as baby gets older) and special for the both of you. I hope you choose the latter!