Wedding sadness

Say nothing.
However, I will say that members of my family, including children, travelled 12,000 miles to be at a family wedding.

What do people do if they live miles away from family - do they never see them? [ confused]
It sounds as if they are using the distance as an excuse really as you say they like to keep themselves to themselves but it would be best to say nothing rather than risk a family upset.

Sounds more to me as if what they want is the excuse of the wedding to have some time as a couple without the children to look after. I am sorry Jojojo, as others have said, pin a smile on and focus on the lovely day for your younger son and his soon to be wife xx

My two were a nightmare travelling so don't blame them for leaving their kids at home. Just enjoy the day!

I would be disappointed, too, jojojo. Imo, this is between ods (older dear son) and yds. It's really not your place to say anything. Ods and dil have made their decision, yds and his bride have accepted it (what else could they do?), and that, I'm afraid, is that.

" ... son and wife keep themselves quite isolated and don't bother with family birthdays, get togethers..."

So it was doubtful from the beginning, imo, that they would agree to make this wedding, especially given the distance.

"I so wanted to show my GK's to the wider family who never see them..."

I'm sure I would feel the same way. And I know it's hard when one wishes for something that just isn't going to be. But obviously, ods and dil aren't concerned about whether the extended family has met the gc yet or gotten to spend much time with them. Maybe when the kids older the parents will be more interested. Until then, I'm sorry, but I think you'll have to table that wish. It may come true eventually, but not very soon.

Sad but at least your son and DIL are going to be there so they've not snubbed the wedding completely which would have been a different story. Travelling with small children is never easy and it does rather sound as though they are taking advantage of a weekend on their own. When my younger son married 8 years ago her entire family travelled from NZ to be here as well as from the US and Australia however my other son and his wife were a bit upset that their girls were not asked to be bridesmaids - this upset me too but we did our best not to show it and the wedding was a wonderful event. Keep smiling and have a great time - the main focus should be on the bride and groom and not your disappointment at not showing off the little ones. I'm sure your DIL will have videos of them to show everyone as well.

It has all been said already, but your posts made me reflect on how as grandparents we can have all sorts of hopes and wishes and see the benefits of certain things, but yet have to be silent and let go of what we cannot control.

I am really glad that your DS1 and DIL will manage to be there with you. It can be rare to get siblings together and I hope your current sadness will give way to the joy of the occasion - including anticipation - as it draws nearer.

Having just endured a 7 hour journey by train from a Birmingham to Glasgow I totally sympathise. And this was hardly one end of the UK to the other.

Seats cramped, toilets filthy, people sitting on floor, food trolley overpriced and little choice. I wouldn't subject a young child to that. I think they have made the right choice, sad though that is for you.

Just enjoy their company and updates on your GC.

How strange that they will attend but not bring the girls and to turn down the bridesmaid is really bad news and somewhat selfish of the couple, a little girls dream ...long journey or not Blimey my daughter took her two little ones to NZ when they were 3 and 1 real hard work but worth it to see her brother
Who are the girls going to stay with ? I can well understand you being upset but as others have said nothing you can do but smile sweetly Do you get to see the little girls? There seems more to this than just a long journey most people would grin and bear it and want their kids to be part of a family event ?

Thanks for further messages - I do appreciate your thoughts and support. I am sad for the 6 year old who would have loved to be a bridesmaid - she loves being a "princess", dressing up and being the centre of attention.
And of course we never expected them to drive that distance with the children but there are other options, flights particularly, but I cannot press the point any further without a falling out. So I will of course keep quiet and ensure the wedding couple have a wonderful day but I can't hide my disappointment to you - so thanks again for all the replies ??

jo you have done the right thing by telling us about your disappointment and not causing ill feeling by telling your family. That is what we are here for.
Have a wonderful day at the wedding.

It is disappointing for you that the little ones won't be there but it's a relief that their parents will! Enjoy the family that will be present on the day - I too have been sad that my elder GCs have not been seen by the wider family for 5 years but there's been a catch up this year so it will come eventually.

Maybe you're just going to have to keep quiet this time. Could someone...maybe you perhaps organise an event later this year or next year NOT a wedding or christening or funeral (sorry..God forbid!) Our family only ever meets for these events and it occurs to me a get together NOT one of these might just smooth over the problem? There are even places that can be hired say midway between everyone so it's equal travel for all and no one has to worry about extra work or beds?? Just a thought. Xx

With all the things k ids can have now as in car entertainment I do puzzle as to why it is that modern parents seem so daunted by journeys. My daughter is 2 hours away, I bought dvd players for in the car and baby tablets games but she is still in a panic when they are coming down.

We used to drive at night with kids in their pj's and frequently drove N Wales to Euro Disney or Cornwall.

I think it is a pity the children won't be there, but it is their choice and people don't seem to put family first quite as much as they used to.

Just go to the wedding and enjoy it for yourself. If part of your family don't want to get involved - and it does seem they want to keep very much to themselves - just respect that and get on with your own life. Whatever you do, don't make an issue out of it or you may end up with a pointless and painful family feud. You can't live other people's lives for them, however disappointed you feel.

Journeys are tiring. Full stop.
Some people find travelling with kids more stressful than others do. Full stop.
Some people think modern weddings are not ideal for little kids.

It doesn't matter what anyone who isn't the parents ivolved in this decision think or say they would do. They are not being asked to do it. People differ in what they find easy or difficult to do.

Where is the much spoken of acceptance of diversity? Diversity is not just about skin colour and ethnic origins. Accepting diversity means being accepting of people's different choices in situations like this.

Oh they sound ridiculous. We drive the length of the county and take a ferry with a severely autistic adult to visit family. A couple of young kids is a doddle in comparison (have done that as well). And what a shame for the 6 year old to miss out on being bridesmaid.

Nothing you can do though - I would have to bite my lip extremely hard but I guess they are just demonstrating how much effort they are willing to put in. Are they people who never drive on motorways or something?

Have some mantra you can repeat in your head when you are in danger of saying something you might regret and leave it at that!

Of course you can't say anything, jojojo, but I can understand your hurt and I'm sure they'll be missed at the wedding. Your younger son obviously really wanted the children to be there when the wedding date was planned around them. I'm afraid I think it's very thoughtless of your other son and his wife to give backword having agreed to go as a family - it would have been completely different if they'd given it some thought earlier and explained that they couldn't all make it. And the 6 year old will be the most disappointed if she was looking forward to being a bridesmaid. Having said you shouldn't say anything.....perhaps just one more very tactful attempt to get them to accept the airfare from you?

I'd just keep out of it , but I know how u feel.

And believe me the length of country journey we do with our severely autistic adult is HELL. But we do it because he loves visiting his family and they love seeing him (& some are too elderly to visit him). It's the 'cost' if you like of maintaining family ties.

But you can't force people to see it that way - they either see family as important or they don't. I can understand why you feel the way you do but I guess you just have to leave them to it.

If the wedding was arranged purely and simply to fit in with half term and to allow your granddaughter to be bridesmaid, I think your older son and wife are being selfish and need to be told that younger son's arrangements were all predicated on that. More to the point, it seems like they are being doubly selfish because why would they not book transport 9 months ago - the only reason I can think of is that they were not committed to being at the wedding. If they knew this 9 months ago, they should have done the decent thing and said so at the time so that the bridesmaid situation could have been re-organised and the disappointments now felt by the GD and your younger son did not reach the stage they are now. Yes, long journey's with kids can be tiresome, but once in a while they can and should be done - it's part of growing up. Sounds to me as though they are isolating themselves, and for the future you should be on top of this to ensure your own contact with your grandchildren.

Lots of people going on long journeys by car book a Travelodge or Premier Inn to break their journey ...yes it adds to the cost but not substantially and you can travel at your own time as opposed to flying or going by rail. It does seem they have not thought this out properly from the when they first agreed to go. As they don"t get to see all the family very often due to distance involved this would have been the perfect opportunity for a complete family get together. I can understand your disappointment as I would be as well. Who is looking after their children for them....have they been talked out of it and now see this as a lovely child free time for themselves without thinking it through properly. Being a bridesmaid when you are a little girl creates a special memory that you cherish. Perhaps it is not too late for them to have a re-think over this.

I really feel for jojojo as I thinks it's quite sad. She quite rightly wants to show off her DGC to the wider family and is naturally disappointed that she won't have the opportunity ( and let's face it what better opportunity than a close family wedding) I do think the elder son and his wife are being a bit spiteful and probably using the travelling distance as an excuse not to bring the children with them . What's wrong with stopping 2-3 times en route? Which children don't love the train? And the wedding was arranged for half term to take into account the children's participation in the family event . I think it's sad when younger people don't see the bigger picture and forget that they too will get older . How might they feel being denied time spent with their grandchildren ? We all get old eventually.

lemongrove, I agree entirely with you.

And of course they will be missing from the previous wedding photographs too . Such a shame. I do hope they reconsider .

Just reading through all the replies, it is not until your own later post that it becomes clear that your son and his wife ARE attending the wedding but have just re considered bringing the children. I can understand why they don't want to put the 2 year old through such a long journey, and taking the older child out of school is not as easy these days as it used to be, we have all read in the press about parents being fined for doing just that. I think they are reaching a compromise by attending themselves without the children, and although you are disappointed maybe you should look at the bigger picture. Travelling such a distance is expensive, they are a young family who undoubtedly have financial constraints ( raising a family is costly, and you mention that you have helped them in the past) They do not wish to accept more financial assistance, and you say yourself that this is admirable. I think you need to just swallow your disappointment on this occasion, it's not worth causing a possible permanent rift in the family. There will be other occasions in the future when the children are older that the family can all be together, please don't say something you may live to regret. They have their reasons for coming to their decision and the best thing you can do is be happy on the day for the Bride and Groom.