Ask a DIL...

One of my DILs when first married told me that my son, who I had brought up until the age of 25yrs when he got married, did not like pork! Mmmm. I think I knew that already, I did not need to be told. Somehow DILs think their husband's world started when they took over! I just keep my mouth tightly closed when she says things like this. One day when she is a MIL herself she will understand why MILs get annoyed when DILs say things such as this.

I usually find myself agreeing with MawBroon (and not just because I read about her in the Sunday Post as a child!) and I do again. She is humorous and balanced. Anya, there was no need to be so rude to this young woman who was only trying to put forward another point of view. I don't agree with everything she said but it doesn't help, her or anyone else, to be rude. I had a lovely MiL and I have tried to emulate her with my lovely DiL - I hope I don't get it wrong too often ...

DIL123 I have a question ..... When are all DILs going to realise that MILs are not the enemy. We do, however, love our sons and GC very much and I make no excuse for wanting to spend time with them.

It can be a little disappointing when DIL fills the joint diary with dates for her own friends and family to visit, thereby ensuring that our own visits are somewhat infrequent.

I totally understand that DILs will be closer to their mothers. It's natural. My DD is and I was too!

In all honesty I'm totally uninterested in what my GD wears, what she eats, etc etc. I certainly don't want to feed her! They were down last weekend and kept being asked "do you want to feed baby". So another question, how can one say "no thanks" without DILs being offended. Neither do I want to push the pram.

I feel you're seeing a power struggle where it doesn't exist. We simply love our own sons and their children. Nothing wrong with that. I've noticed that it's the DILs as opposed to the SILs who seem to complain most about their MILs ....

My own MIL would constantly gossip & complain to me about her other 3 DILs and no doubt she complained about me to them. It comes with the territory.

I have 2 wonderful DiLs & the case has always been that they want us to have the DGC overnight so they can go out & have a lie in the next day. I have never asked for it but they all 6 come to stay a lot & they love coming & we love to have them & obviously DSs & DDiLs love it too. Not a problem.

I was lucky with my own MiL & I hope I have never given advice unasked for nor would I criticise what they do with their children.
The rules may be a bit different in my house but if I am having them stay that is my prerogative.

If they moan about me behind my back I am not aware of it & TBH I am always on hand to help when asked so I rather doubt it.

What I will say is that birthday & Christmas presents have got a hella lot better since DiLs started buying them. No more red jumpers every Christmas from sons but lovely designer bags & perfume I actually like!!

Good for DiLs I say!!

As I have already said before I think DIL123 was trying to help us Grannies understand why DILs respond in the way they do. I do not think she was being authoritative. She was offering an olive branch, so being nasty to her for doing that is not very nice. Give her some credit.

Never mind relationships with MiLs - Mothers are bad enough!

I had problems with both (35 years ago), always knowing best (don't feed on demand - you'll get a demanding baby; don't use a baby bouncer; don't use a fold up pushchair, get a proper one; don't feed them X when you're weaning them - they should have fish cooked in milk; I could go on and on).

IMHO, Ms/ MiLs have two ears and one mouth and should use them in that proportion.

As I have said on a previous post, I am not a GP, nor am I likely to be one, which bothers me not at all. But my D is a midwife, and I am amazed at how much things have changed since she was a baby, so any advice I might try to hand out would be totally redundant!

For example, there was a post recently about giving DGC honey and DD getting cross. Well yes, we didn't know a few years back that honey, a lovely natural substance, can be dangerous for a LO.

I think this lovely DiL has seen some of the recent posts from MiLs who just don't get it, and has kindly offered to help!

About "my house, my rules." Of course a granny can make her own rules in her own home. But if her gc's parents aren't happy with them, they are just as free not to go there or bring their kids there. Seems obvious to me.

I constantly buy clothes for one grandaughter ,her parents split up and she lives with us half of every week.The main reason I buy the clothes is because she always wants to take them home to let mummy see them ....and they never come back.Its the same with christmas presents including her i-pad,to avoid any issues with her mother I just buy new things for her to wear ..and play with.She has clothes at dads house too ,though he usually has her on school days so she goes back in uniform and he gets to keep the stuff he's bought for her there.I do get the "first outfit" my MIL would never have presumed to dress my kids for leaving hospital...she knitted tiny hats to match whatever outfit we'd decided on.That was solely because of circumstances ,my first daughter died ,so when her sister was born we wanted to be in control of things,my son spent his first 11 weeks in SCBU ,and we were excited about buying lovely things for him to wear when he came home.Having said that I understand everyone is different and others would be happy to put clothes on new babies that others had bought

I think perhaps dil123 was trying to help but she's opened a can of worms with her somewhat sweeping statements. I also found her posts patronising!

I'm surprised she's got time for this with a baby in the house .....

I've never looked at Mumsnet .....

in my family it has always been grannies who bought first shoes and first school shoes

When our first DGD was born I was staying at DD's house helping out. The health visitor came and put me in my place before I said a word! " I hope you are not giving your daughter any advice. Things are done differently these days!" HMmm. My daughter and I had a laugh about it after she left. I am quite glad not to have had sons, as I am sure I would have been a dragon of a MIL.

Dear DIL Thanks for that offer I will bre taking you up on it.

Well said MawBroon.!!!

Leticia
When I look back I must have had the best of both worlds.
MIL loved to take my two DD's for walks, to the parks or meet them from school and give them their tea but never ever did she make or buy them outfits.
On the other hand my own mum never ever did the same but loved knitting baby cardigans, hats to match, little sweaters and making endless dresses which little girls wore then .
I would never have refused or complained of anything these grans wanted to do for my DD's.

Goodness me, there were some pretty mean-spirited responses to the OP on here. I'm glad other posters were supportive of what she was trying to do. Of course every MIL/DIL relationship will vary from excellent to awful with probably many clustering in the middle. I remember being quite shocked by the 'my house, my rules' thread. There was some dreadful arrogance on there - it's one thing enforcing your own rule about eg sitting at the table to eat but parents' rules about diet, bedtimes etc should be respected. I haven't got a DIL but with my DD I've tried very hard to respect her parenting values - but I do think it's much easier in general to discuss such things with a DD- for one thing, she's experienced your parenting and will have views on it. Anyway OP do stay on GN - your perspective will be helpful - probably more so to those who think they don't need it

Seems there have been some very aggressive posts on here. I'm sure the op was only trying to help. I think it does help if someone can explain why something a mil or stepmother has wanted to do has been rejected.
I can remember my mother in law at the time being very disaproving of my breastfeeding because the fashion in her day was for bottlefeeding. She also thought napisan was an unecesarry indulgence!
I have also seen a mother in law that I know being very overbearing, so I know that does happen. I have also seen my own daughters mother in law being very helpful indeed. Both kinds do exist.

Neither would I, Sarah, but that's just it. Many parents in the younger generation have different attitudes than we did. We can't expect dds or dils to respond to us the same way we did to our children's grans.

But back to the "rules" thing - Just want to amend what I said earlier. Even in my house, if the parents have rules for what their children's diet, I would follow those, especially if it has to do with allergies or other health concerns. But other than that, my house, my rules. Again, they wouldn't have to bring their kids here, of course, if they disagreed. Their choice.

I am sorry that you have a problem MIL - perhaps you might do better to ask us for advice on how to deal with that, rather than offering us advice on things that any grandparent with half a brain knows.

DIL123 made perfectly sensible points as far as I could see and didn't deserve the rudeness and nastiness from some posters, especially Anya who has made no useful comment at all on this thread.

A few years back, my daughters MIL offered her GS (11yrsish) her bra catalogue to flick through as "he would probably love that" she then followed up with "of course you can probably just look it all up online nowadays..." She was mortified!! It's a good mother in law story but really she's just an odd lady, the fact that she's dad's mil just fits a convenient stereotype.

"DD's" - not dads!

Couldn't have said it better Mawbroon!!

I don't understand not following rules. My daughters have very specific rules about what their children may eat and when, how they are dressed, when they sleep, and who may do certain things with. No electronics, sugar, or drinks other than water. Their rules, their children. I don't have to babysit if I dislike the rules.

MawBroom- I so love your reply...and Leticia this is real common sense.Why oh why has it become such a battle of control from DILs rather than all sides appreciating that we just want to love our "LOs" !!! yes we were all DILs in our time and we managed it. Do we seem to be able to see our DILs perspective but they don't see ours??? we are the ones that have to have rules dictated to us it seems to me....yes what's wrong with some Grandma/LO time?? I usued to be really happy when I could go out shopping when my MIL was there! A different generation is my conclusion....so sad really!!!!!

I just agreed with everything MIL said, then when she had gone home, or I had, I just carried on doing everything my way. Result; happy MIL, happy mum and happy baby.