Ask a DIL...

Most interestingly has no-one realised that MIL and DIL (why do we have to use stupid initials) both love the same person usually and don't have to be 'enemies'.

When buying anything for my grandchildren I always ask mum or dad what they want for Christmas and Birthday and when out shopping with them only make my presence felt at the till - with my purse open! However, I have still been in trouble with both DD and DiL for no reason I could fathom, only to say that they know how much I love them and I would always support them as best I can, so they know that I am a safe option to vent their anger, frustration or stress, knowing I will always come back. Is this emotional blackmail? probably, but I am quite sure they are more stressed than I was at that age and perhaps less mature. They also get all their childcare info from the web which they consider far superior to human contact! Take it all with a pinch of salt I say.

Why do they have to have so~~~~~~~ many rules.

I have been in trouble for giving my DGS a biscuit!.

I have come to accept that I will never see as much of my DG as I would like to. This is because there are not enough hours in the day and the weekends are full of doing things but it's hard when they live so close to us. As we do have a very good relationship with the DG I live in hope that when they are a bit older that they will choose themselves to see more of us that's if we're still around!.

I think my DiL is very very selfish and thinks it's ok for us to see them all every 7/8 weeks because that's all she saw of her DGP. Her DGP lived miles and miles away!.
It's so difficult when their so close.?

I find that there are so many abreviations that I lose track of what's going on.......

I am quite shocked that some posters have responded to Dil123 that some of her comments were 'rubbish' or unfounded, when clearly she is relaying experiences she knows to be true. She was trying to be helpful and there was no excuse IMO for rudeness.

nannalyn oh dear, that was me - you think this is real and not a spoof then?
Perhaps you're right and if so I do apologise.

However, DILs do come in different shapes, sizes and temperaments as do MILs. One size does not fit all.

MawBroon Tue 21-Mar-17 22:18:42

Very sensible.

I was a terrible first time mother. I was so grateful if anyone offered to bath the baby as I hated it. Still don't know why people like bath time with children. Would have bitten off some ones hand in gratitude if they'd changed a nappy. Not sure about first outfits or first shoes as I've not come across that though either of my children would have guaranteed a posset on the first outfit of any day not having any respect for the dignity of a first Christmas . My mil and I didn't like each other,she was one who was her way the only way so she had my dd one afternoon a week while I scarpered. Dd came back with her hair as gran felt it should be and was carted round all grans friends and possibly fed god knows what but I was grateful for time out.
My dd asked for her children to stay over last week. She was obviously feeling quite stressed as she said you can put them if front of the tv/ iPad all the time if need be. They did have some iPad( timed )but we fed and watered them and wore them out on a farm and she and her DH looked a lot better for their break. I have rules . I'm a stickler for hand washing good manners and Taking Your Plate and Cutlery to the Dishwasher and using a table napkin rather than wiping your hands on your clothes /wallpaper or chair seat and that includes the parents
I think DIL123 had good intentions but was a tad pompous.

I do find the assumption that all Grans (especially if MILs) are problematical rather tedious. The experience with my family and with those of my friends is that things are fine - each generation listens to the other and is respectful, and everything is fine.

Of course different generations do things differently and of course grans listen to what their offspring and their partners want. It is wrong to suggest that conflict is the norm.

There have been posts from "Grabby Grans" on here and in every case they are kindly but firmly told to back off and to listen to their DDs or DILs by all the posters who join the thread - I think that means that in the majority of cases all is well.

I am hearing that the OP has a problem with her MIL, which is a huge shame, but it is mildly irritating that she assumes that the folk on this site need her advice, when all the evidence is to the contrary.

but it is mildly irritating that she assumes that the folk on this site need her advice

Mildly irritating is an understatement!

I did wonder if the purpose of the OP was research for a book?

Well...I am always polite Jalima and try to be tactful!

Here is GN's list of abbreviations/acronyms for those who are having trouble following (it doesn't list all the ones that come up here though): www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms

I must look, listen and learn

What a shame you have a difficult relationship with your MIL DIL123. Naturally grandparents get excited at having a grandchild and like to buy them things. They are part of the family, not another species when their offspring have grown up. Fortunately my DIL lets me do exactly what I like and is very generous with the time she allows me with my grandson. I never give advice unless asked. IMO some DILs are very possessive with their newborn babies and resent any overtures from MILs. Don't forget you might need them to babysit and do childcare when they are a bit older, so no point in alienating them.

I got on really well with my MIL, but she had obviously read a lot of advice, and refused to give an opinion on anything! With no experience of babies when we had our first, I really wanted a second opinion sometimes, instead of...I don't know what they do these days.
Of course, in those days, I didn't have the internet

I only had a mother in law for a very short time (a few months) she was lovely though.

I would have loved anyone well not literally to take my baby off me for a few hours. Mother or mother in law. Sadly it didn't happen which is partly one of the reasons I look after my own grandchildren quite a lot. I think its important for young couples to have a little bit of time to themselves.

DIL123 My daughter has experienced huge pressure to go back to work, out for meals and drinks etc. and leave her child in someone else's care as much by her friends as by her mother-in-law! She has had no burning desire to leave her child at all but plenty of others think she should. She certainly has felt pressure from her parents-in-law to have them to baby sit or to leave her child at their house overnight. They bought a cot for their house before her child was born!

I had an excellent relationship with my own mother-in-law. She was a lovely, kind person and was aware and respectful of boundaries. She never overstepped the mark in any way. I was lucky in this because my own mother never had a good word to say about my dad's mother and was very vocal about her to my sisters and me. Luckily, I never expected all mothers-in-law to be hostile. I'm mother-in-law to my daughter's husband and I don't think he has any complaints. I get on well with my younger son's girlfriend. When we went to Kew Gardens a few months ago, she very preferentially offered me the front seat in the car. I would not dream of expecting her to sit in the back! Her place is beside my son. (It was horrible in the back seat in the London traffic! ?)

I typed deferentially and my kindle substituted preferentially ?

We were all DiL's once, even the oldest of us, and some of us still have ongoing relationships with our MiLs. Most of those are successful and rewarding - it is the failed ones which get all the anguished posts. I don't think we really need to ask the OP why DiLs get annoyed about what MiLs do. All that is needed is for them (some of them) to use their imagination and their memories of what it was like to have a baby or small child, and then apply the Do-as-you-would-done-by rule.

Similarly, DiLs (some of them) could just use THEIR imagination to consider just how emotional a thing it is when your baby has a baby, and how much MiLs want to be involved and helpful - and apply the Do-as-you-would-done-by rule too.

Hard to believe, perhaps, but granny has done it all before, and often got it right, too. "We are none of us infallible, not even the youngest of us." William Hepworth Thompson (27 March 1810 – 1 October 1886 - there is nothing new in the perception of the young that they are the only ones to be in the right)

Until I joined Gransnet I didn't realise so many families had MiL/DiL problems.

I had a lovely MiL and rubbed along with FiL, who was an elderly father so an elderly and ill grandfather and we get on so well with DDil and her family that both sides see themselves as one family linked by the marriage of our DS with their DD.

Of course we are not perfectly matched in every way, but where has the normal tolerance that enables us to rub along with other people with different attitudes and views gone? Surely this tolerance should exist even more in family relationships?

DIL123, good idea for a post. Having been a DIL I know how a relationship can go wrong and I understand why frustrations happen.

I will be a MIL soon and I'm going to use the bad experiences I had to avoid making the same mistakes as my (late) MIL did.

I just want people to be happy, myself included, and I'll do my best to make it so. xx

I think these day's Gp are caught between a rock and a hard place if they take to much notice and want to be involved they are perceived as controlling and if they take a step back then they are uncaring we just can't win. I follow what my Dil's wants and dislikes are and maintain them however like other gp I do have rules at home I look at them as safety rules for their own protection I remember my own sons tea tray and stairs need I say more!!
But I remember when I left my boys with my mother and father for a weekend they would be well looked after and never had a second moments thought about it I trusted them now it texts every hour checking up its sad really

I think Lizzypop has hit on the kind of annoying stuff that the OP might have been thinking about. It's ridiculous to put pressure on new mums to leave their babies in someone else's care if they haven't volunteered to do that and asked for help with the child-minding. The pressure put on Lizzypop's daughter is so wrong.

I don't agree, Sweetcakes. My parents and parents in law weren't pushy or stand offish. They took their cues from their grandchildren's parents. That's all there is to it. Grandparents shouldn't come over with already set ideas about how they want things to be.

Thatbags I'm talking about now not 30 or 40 years ago when our children were young and we left them quite happily unlike now where some gp have to jump through hoops just to prove their suitability to look after their gc