Dear all,
I come to you after the advice of a dear friend.
I really need your help to make the relationship with my one and only DIL better.
Some background : I am 68 years old married to my DH (dear husband) (dear husband) 70 years old since 44 years and we have 2 children : DD (dear daughter) (dear daughter) 42 who has no children and DS (dear son) (dear son) 38 has a GF 32 that i will call DIL. They have my only grandaughter B, 8 months old, the light of my life.
Me and DH (dear husband) (dear husband) live in Europe. DS, DIL and DGD, live abroad 6 hours by plane from us.
My DIL is clever, beautiful, kind, funny and generous. Well, that was before the arrival of my grandaughter.
It started during pregnancy when she would not take my calls or answer my messages. It was so not her to do that ! She is very talkative usually. She had a very high risk pregnancy and i was worried. She was in bedrest at her mother in Europe while my DS (dear son) (dear son) was still abroad working. So i would call or text her everyday asking some questions about some medical stuff or just to tchat. She would not answer and send a text every 2 weeks or so to write :"everything is fine. Hope your okay!". Almost always the same text.
My DH (dear husband) (dear husband) and I asked my DS (dear son) (dear son) what was happening and he only told us to leave her alone.
Since then, our relationship got worse.
They decided to have the baby in Europe in our town and it has been decided that after the planned c section they will come rest at our place. (Where they live health facilities are very bad, it is a third world country). We were delighted to have our DGD home !
It was terrible as first she said she wanted 24 hours with no visits at the hospital. Then she would not let us take the baby to cuddle or spend time with. I understand she was very possessive of this baby as she has suffered previous losses.
But she would not even talk to us or very little. She was suddenly so aloof and cold.
She spent her time breastfeeding. It seems that she was breastfeeding non stop. Breastfeeding on demand she said. I have never seen that in my life. Or sleeping with the baby !
One time we were at dinner and the baby started crying. She took the baby to calm her but i wanted to help. So i woke up and told her to give me the baby. She just said no. It was really inconfortable and my son said nothing !
I pardon her because she seemed very tired after the birth !
After 3 weeks, my DH (dear husband) (dear husband) and I had to go the the mariage of my nephew in the Caribbean. But when we came back they had rented an appartement elsewhere ! We did not see our DGD during 10 days. We saw her during 1 dinner and then my DIL and DGD left to her mother in another town.
When she was at her mother, DH (dear husband) (dear husband) will text her and she will respond very sporadically. After 9 days without news, he texted my DIL's mother asking some news. Let's thing i know my DIL sends him a very mean text telling him to back off !
We only saw them 3 months later last Christmas and she was still very aloof almost mean.
I admit the mistakes I made during this week but i don't think it was that terrible.
I put an orange in my DGD mouth during one meal. She jumped of her seat and screamed at me "she is exclusively breastfeeded. I told You!". My DS (dear son) (dear son) started to get mad at me too. God it was just an orange !
I said 2 things and my DIL overreacted :
1/ Sometimes I call my DGD " my daughter". My DIL looked at me in the eyes with a scary look and told me "one thing needs to be clear : she is not your daughter, she is mine". I told her as she is my son's daughter, it is like she is my daughter. My son tells me i'm ridiculous. I think my DIL is. It is just to be affectionnate.
2/I told her next time they come, i will put the baby bed near the back of the room. She can't cosleep with her mother at 1 year old ! They have to get a bit detached.
She cut me while i was speaking and said in a non-friendly voice " i am sure the parents have a say in where their baby sleep".
I understand that sometimes as PIL (parents-in-law) (parents-in-law) we can be overbearing and sometimes pushy. But i only see them 2/3 times a year. And i feel like i can't enjoy my DGD. I walk on eggshells with her. I had never spend time alone with my DGD, her mother is always around.
Since they are abroad, we try to facetime once a week but she rarely participates in our talks with my DS.
My son told me she is going to fly to Washington DC (daycare, dear child) (daycare, dear child) for 2 weeks for business. And she is bringing the baby and her sister will come to babysit. I am sad she did not ask me as i do not work anymore. But i told her nothing.
Don't get me wrong, i love my DIL and she is a good mom. But i think she is a bit possessive. I have the feeling she is backing off the relationship and i want to do something.
I have 3 questions :
1/ Can someone explain me the behaviour of my DIL ? She seems frightened by our love.
2/ They are suppose to stay 3 weeks with us this summer. How to make her feel confortable and like her old self ? Talkative, funny and gracious ?
3/ My DS (dear son) (dear son) told me my DGD has a nanny and sometimes they go out at night and the baby stays with the nanny. We have the hope to babysit our baby this summer. How to make DIL confortable with this idea ?
Thanks for your help.
Grandmother M.
Anyone else noticed how dramatically grandmaeurope's grasp of English has improved in her last post. Based on this I now agree with others doubts on the validity of all of her postings.
Goodness me, you are very demanding, daily phone calls and texts would drive anyone crazy! Putting anything in a baby's mouth is way out of order and their reaction has been to stop you looking after her and get in a nanny. None of her upbringing is up to you, she is their child and you need to keep quiet and hope they learn to trust you in the future
grandmaeurope, I guess it's always a very emotional time when a new baby is expected in the family, and you just probably got a bit over excited.
If I were you, I would write a lovely note to your dil to say sorry for upsetting her, and that it was not your intention. Now you must take a step back and allow the new family to settle into their lives. Contact them occasionally to ask how they all are, and that you are there for them if they need any help.
An over enthusiastic mil is something a dil will want to back away from. I really hope you can go forward with a better understanding. xx
Anyone else noticed how dramatically grandmaeurope's grasp of English has improved in her last post.
Can't say I have, Direne3 
I am not sure what nationality you are grandmaeurope and whether or not your DIL is of the same nationality as you which may make a difference.
Some MILs of certain nationalities do tend to have more of a hands-on approach to grandparenting - their daughters may be accepting of this but a DIL may decide that that is not what she wants or needs so I would try to back off or risk not seeing them at all.
I speak from first-hand observation btw.
Direne3 thanks for saying my english is good. But yes french is my first language and yes i really came here to find support.
I think it is the end of this board. I had enough advice i think and a lot to think about. I will share it with my husband and try to get better.
Thanks again.
M.
French? Oh [surprised]
Well, take a step back and remember - it's their baby, their rules and you have to accept that and bite your tongue!
I think this is a genuine post as I know someone rather like this who is from a different culture. Instead of criticising (some posts are very harsh) we need to give helpful advice as some have done, and which is what she asked for.
To Grannyeurope I'd just say: You are aware now that you've made some mistakes and I think an apology would be a good idea but dont go over the top. A letter or card saying you are sorry to have upset her, you realise you were insensitive and will try to do better in future. Then back off as others have said ie dont keep contacting/skyping/texting but thank her nicely for any photos or other communications. If rhet are coming to stay with you as you have indicated, try really hard not to give advice, demand attention etc but be supportive - eg 'you are doing really well and the baby is lovely'. . Ask about everything regarding meals, sleeping arrangemnts, outings or anything else planned. Be guided by them, MAKE SURE YOUR HUSBAND READS THESE POSTS TOO or he is in danger of antagonising them. Just enjoy watching them with the baby and if she offers for you to hold th baby or to babysit accept graciously.
It's very hard not to give advice and I have had to bite my lip several times (that is, shut my mouth and not say anything.). I still ask my DiLs about food and sleeping arrangements every time they come and the children are a lot older.
If advice is asked for thats a different matter but dont be offended if they don't take your advice!
Sorry I really don't believe this is a genuine post
Calmez-vous et prenez-le facile. Laissez les parents à eux.
Il n'est pas facile d'être un nouveau parent et trop d'interférences peuvent bouleverser une nouvelle mère.
Laissez-les trouver leur propre chemin - même s'ils demandent de l'aide ois très très prudent ce que tu dis.
Le moins dit le plus rapidement réparé.
vous dites!!
Excusez-moi!
This is just a wind up and shall not respind
Vous avez probablement raison Barmyoldbat 
Grandmaeurope, you say you want to make things better, perhaps a huge apology for being so involved & overwhelming would be a start & a promise to go at the pace your Dil is comfy with. You have more chance of being welcomed to be involved in your grandchilds future if you back off a bit now, that would show the depth of your love for all of them.
This is the sort of stunt a group of teenagers would pull, all those dear husband, dear husband and repeats its someone taking the p....
Could well be Barmy , if not well let's hope notice of replies have been inwardly digested!?
I don't think this is a wind up at all. My MIL overstepped the mark many times in the early days with unwanted advice as well as inappropriate behaviour. She has also alienated her other DIL, although I think she is trying to rebuild the relationship. I am now divorced so don't have as much contact with her nowadays but there were times I found her very difficult to tolerate when my children were young. She now occasionally expresses opinions to my daughter which cause offence and my daughter has complained to me about her but I suspect no-one has ever put her straight as bluntly as people have been with gradmaeurope. She has the opportunity to learn from her mistakes but sadly I fear my MIL may continue to make them! My son is getting married this year and I hope my future DIL will benefit from my experiences as I will know how NOT to behave!
Grandmaeurope, in your earlier post you said what your husband did and that she seemed "mad at him too, even more mad with him". What did he say or do? because this is not just about you but the whole family dynamics.
I understand that you are willing to build bridges but if your husband holds other views you may have a battle on your hands.
You keep referring to your DGDs mother as your Daughter in law, but she is not, she is your sons girlfriend and this leaves you in a very tenuous position.
You can't say your DiL is "interfering" in how you relate to HER child. It's up to her to decide how she wants to bring up her child, not you. Sorry, but you really do need to back off here or you will lose all contact with her, your son and your grandchild.
Several people have suggested that this is a wind up, but I don't agree. The OP seems genuine to me. It's just that there is such a wide gap between her expectations and those of her son's girlfriend that they can't understand each other. The cultural differences might be partly the cause.
I can't add to the good advice given here. As others have said, apologise then back off and give them some space. But I wanted to at least support the OP by saying that I believe in her genuine surprise that her approach to date has not been welcomed.
Grandmaeurope, I can sympathise because I am awaiting my very first grandchild. My son and his partner are not married. Her family live near her and we live many miles away. So a similar situation to yours in some ways. I don't know what my role as granny is meant to be. I don't know what they want from me and I don't know how to behave. I'm anxious to get it right. So I can understand how upset you are that, in your case, it hasn't gone well so far.
My advice would be, don't take offence at the bluntness of some of the comments here. Just use them to understand that other people may have a very different attitude to parenting, and a very different expectation of grandparenting, than you do. Work with your son and his girlfriend to find out what they want from you.
Good luck. I hope things improve for you.
Mrskipling I think you'll be OK as you're already anxious to get it right, so are aware of the sensitivities of the future parents!
It's not a bad thing to be miles away, it means you won't be tempted to just pop-in and overstep the mark. Just let them both know in advance that you'll wait for them to say when it's OK to visit and that you'll stay in a hotel, if that suits them better.
What's all this "don't know how to behave" nonsense? What a ridiculous thing to say. Just behave as you would to any other important visitor to your house who isn't related to you, or as you would in the house of an important but not blood-related acquaintance with whom you want to keep relations smooth.
Do not assume you have any rights (because you haven't any).
Be polite and unassuming at all times (i.e. keep your opinions about child-rearing to yourself).
Be helpful, e.g. getting cups of tea for a breast-feeding mother, or bottles of water if she prefers. The main memories I have of BF is feeling thirsty all the time.
There are very few people who don't know how to be polite and how to keep their opinions to themselves so there's no excuse for being pushy and opinionated and having wants (you will call them needs) that you feel should be satisfied. It's not about you! Take a back seat and shut up.
Don't know how to behave, indeed! Ridiculous!
If you haven't learned how to behave by the time you're a grandma, then god help anyone who has to 'deal' with you.
PS Oh, and do the washing-up.
? Good post Thatbags
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