Help with DIL

I am overwhelmed by all these answers. By the quantité and also the harshness.

I will apologize to my DIL when i'll get the chance.

It was a mistake saying i skype daily. We skype weekly ! Please understand english is not my first language and i have a lot of messages to answer to. Please bear with me.

I am genuinely sorry. People are questionning this. It hurts.
There is a lot to reflect on. I feel like you see me like a devil MIL. I am not.

Do i wait this summer to apologize face to face or do i call her ? I doubt she will answer though.
I though of calling my son and talk with him.

What are your thoughts ?

Thanks.
Grandma M.

You need to back off give them time with the baby and I am sure they will be in touch.
The situation seems o be very stressful at the moment.

Sounds like a lot of cultural differences here, calm down and and give things a chance to settle. Its up to the parents how they bring up their child, the advice here is good have a think about it.

Being a grandmother when the blood line is your son is the most difficult role. It is a life transition. First your son has to move from putting you first ( family of origin) to putting his new family (family of procreation) first.

you have to accept this change and then look at the 'new' family and find out what their rules are and abide by them.

This is very tricky to achieve. So do not be surprised that you may have been a 'bull in a china shop'.

In my family as I only have sons I leave my MIL to discuss any medical stuff with her own mother and I just ask is she is OK, what help would she like etc.

I use email and today my DIL sent me my Grand daughters GCSE time table that is great. I am delighted. I have sent a short thank you, printed out the time table and will respond with a shot chat over the phone this weekend at a time that suits them. etc.

I have now known the family for 17 years. I do not offer suggestions on how to do things but ask where I can help. MIL's own mother who lives closer is round every second day but that is her role.

so I think you have a great love for your new grand child but you need to channel it within the relationship boundaries.

As mother's day is coming up I suggest that you ask your son if he would give you this book:

The New Granny's Survival Guide: Everything you need to know to be the best gran by Gransnet (Author), Janet Ellis (Foreword)

Reading this would probably help you open up areas of thought and might allow you to engage in non threatening discussion with your son and MIL.

Good luck.

This has to be a "wind up" .... Surely no MIL can be this insensitive.
I don't believe a word of it!

I have to be honest. If I were your DIL the damage caused would be irreparable.
Stop contacting her. You are not her problem. She does not want a relationship with you.
You do come across as the MIL from hell. I'm sorry.
Do not text her. Do not call her. Don't you ever ever again ask her about her private medical information.

I'd send one message to your son. Keep it basic and don't make excuses for your behaviour.

Son, after some reflection I have realised that during the pregnancy and life of DGC I have behaved abhorrently to you and your family. I am deeply sorry for this. I will also from here on out cease harassing your family.
I will await for you to contact us before we contact you. Hope you're all well'

I you think you could apologise to her face and mean it, I would wait until the summer when you see her. If you don't think you could be sincere about it face to face I would write her a letter.

I've not read the whole of this. Life is too short.

But...if anyone had put an orange into my child's mouth I too would have gone apeshit.

And what's so unusual about breast-feeding on demand? It's not so unheard-of - it's quite common, in fact. I imagine that most of our ancestresses would have done the same.

I would send a card. Preferably one that say's sorry. Then just say that you didn't realise how full on you are being, mention specific things so it is clear that you take ownership of it. After that do nothing. Leave contact to them. Leave feeding decisions, sleeping decision and every other decision to them. Wait to be offered the baby to hold.
Your response here suggests that you still don't realise how difficult you made things for your DIL and your son. No one has accused you of being a devil but your have to admit that you were a nightmare and made what was obviously a difficult time for your DIL more difficult rather than easier.

I breast fed our five children on demand. The earliest one stopped was sixteen months and the longest time I breast fed one for was three years.

I think grandma Europe is a grandma bursting with love for her new grandchild. Her child's child. She cares enormously for her DIL. She phones /skypes /messages her and does it because she cares not because she wants to be a pain.she sees DIL as an extension of her own son therefore her own family. We are all indoctrinated by Mumsnet to know about boundaries and it's their little unit,their little family not part of the original family- grandmaeurope and her DH and her DS. It can be very hard for a first time grandma to know what to do. Instinct to love is all embracing. Grandmas have often to learn the hard way. I made so many mistakes . If I had another child who had a child I now would be the perfect grandmother. Give op some slack.

Thanks for your advice. I will look into the book.

Stansgran, many thanks

I feel sorry for grannyeurope, I haven't read all the posts but very judgemental. Dil changed during pregnancy, why? Did her mother intervene? There's more to this I feel. My DIL became even nicer and more inclusive with us so I'm lucky. Why is everyone seeing it from the DIL point of view exclusively, as English is not OPs first language she should be given a bit more understanding.

I learned an interesting lesson about respect some years ago. It went something like this:

RESPECT is treating others how THEY wish to be treated, NEVER how YOU think they wish to be treated, and much less 'ought' to be treated.

Another way of saying this is that everyone lives inside their own emotional circle or boundary. Some people (no fault of their own) have very large circles; much bigger than normal. So big in fact, that others easily step on them...but no matter how big or small, the trick is never to step on someone's boundary unless you have their permission.

What YOU think your DIL needs or wants is not necessarily what SHE needs or wants. Good intentions won't do at all if she feels disrespected. Most people tend to push back or react negatively when they FEEL disrespected.

People who enjoy good relationships are usually more mindful of others wishes (and boundaries), than their own.

Something for you to think about.

Orange in baby's mouth is why people are seeing it from DiL's point of view.

Who other than a very annoying or very stupid person would give a piece of orange to an exclusively breast fed baby? It beggars believe.

I am happy some of you understand that i am really trying to get along with my DIL

I made mistakes and i admit it. I will apologize for it.

I wanted to be honest with you and tell you about the mistakes i think i made because my DIL was clearly mad (the orange that baby did not eat or calling the baby "my daughter"). But now i get so many terrible messages, i regret it.

I did not tell you what my husband did because i consider it is not my fault and i am not responsable for him. But yes, my DIL seems mad at him too, maybe even more with him.

We will evaluate and reflect on our role as grandparents. Maybe it is not what we though.
Thanks for all your answers. I will come back to update if there is some news but from now, i need to take distance from this forum.

I think that it is being cruel to be kind to tell granmaeurope very clearly that she is out of order. Hopefully that will clear the way for a happy time with her GS, which is what she wants to achieve.

There do seem to be some language difficulties which may have clouded communication and made her sound more dogmatic than she really is.

I think she has got off on the wrong foot, but that things can be mended for the future - so lots of luck!

That's a kind post, Stansgran, and I agree with you. The OP has made mistakes, lots of them, but is very keen to learn and to make amends. I'm assuming the orange was a segment of orange, not the whole fruit, and she has already said she just put it to the child's lips, and didn't actually shove it in her mouth. My own lovely DMIL wanted me to spoonfeed condensed milk to my exclusively breastfed six week old baby, as she was on the small side. This was well meant, if bloody daft, so why would I have taken umbrage? None of the OP's actions were malicious. Unlike at least one mean-spirited post on this thread. Most people have given good, thoughtful advice which I'm sure the OP will take on board, and I wish her all the best in building those bridges back up.

Honestly i don't know why she changed so suddenly. She changed before the orange story. She changed exactly in january 2016, when she was 3/4 months pregnant and went to her mother to rest during her pregnancy. We has just spent Christmas all together and all was perfect.
She suddenly would not want to answer my texts or calls.

You have to understand that before that, she would talk to me for hours, we would go shopping together, to the museum. She would send me some articles by mails.
Very very lovely.

She had a high risk pregnancy. She was exhausted and scared. And by what you've written you were way over the top in your messages/line of questioning.

You more than likely overwhelmed her and so she took a step back. Her sole focus was her pregnancy.
In the nicest way possible. You had absolutely no right to any information about her or the baby. She may have been exhausted by the constant questioning.
She may have decided that as you are her husbands family that from that moment he should be the one to communicate with you.
This is a very common decision for a lot of new parents. There is nothing wrong with it and it works well for many.
You deal with yours I'll deal with mine.

Afraid non of this rings true, anyone would run a mile with mil like this. Enough said.

*grandmaeurope" you say she changed when she went to rest at her mothers...maybe because she was anxious and stressed about the pregnancy and you calling every day made her worry more.I know that when I had miscarriages the last thing I wanted was constant questioning from my mum .It just makes things worse.If you can see your way to apologising for that then you might get back on track,she would probably read a letter or e-mail I'm sure .Then you can tell her you understand where you went wrong and that you will respect their views on raising their child .I hope it works out well for you,and that you have learnned that your attitude is what caused the issue in the first place.If she gets pregnant again,dont call ,send her flowers or books to occupy her and that way she knows you're thinking about her but dont want to make her stress

grandmaeurope, it's probable that she suddenly changed at that polnt because she was told that it was a high risk pregnancy and felt that the pressure on her to produce this perfect grandchild to be suffocating. Rest in pregnancy isn't just physical, it's to be free of stress too. Receiving daily texts when there is nothing new to report is in itself stressful.
I do wonder if this is a cultural difference also? Were you raised in family where Grandmothers, especially the paternal one was seen as the matriarch of the family and their ways and advice were followed without question. If so you and your DIL will have completely differing views of your role.
Yes, there have been mistakes made, but you have acknowledged these, as grandparents I doubt none of us are not guilty of this at some point.
Please tread very carefully, this is not you DIL, she is your sons girlfriend and could disappear from your life and your sons very easily. I wish you well.

I have noticed recently that a lot of people seem very quick to jump down posters throats, without any understanding or useful advice!
I would say that I feel very sad for you that your relationship with your DIL seems to have broken down since she became pregnant. Possible texting everyday was a lot but I'm guessing that if you had received a few replies you would have text less often.
Your DIL obviously has a very different style of parenting than you are used to, and you will have to get used to that, but love and cuddles from grandparents are important in any childs life, and I do hope that you can come together with your DIL about this.