taken for granted

Oh dear it does sound like she's taken it for granted that you will babysit while she enjoys her birthday. I don't blame you for being mad , its always nice be asked..
I hope you manage to sort things out with your daughter marfin

And I would have had she asked properly. Now...no way unless she apologises

It sounds like she knows that she is being demanding or

there isnt a chance that she thinks that it is you that wants the kids all the time?

Certainly disrespectful. I think she will want your help before you need hers! Perhaps she'll turn up with some flowers and an apology. In the meantime .

x

Hello Marfin, welcome.
I think you are certainly being taken for granted, and your DD needs to realise this.It needn't be a big bust up though, and would be better if it's more a quiet word the next time you are together. I think this is a common problem for Grans.Our grown up children need to know that we are not simply unpaid nannies.

Marfin, I so feel for you. I've just had a similar experience. Yes, I love spending time with the DGC but isn't it just so galling not to be asked? I hope you can sort it out without too much tension.

marfin41, what usually happens when you babysit, and when they went on holiday? Were you asked then?
Your DD's reaction seems quite unreasonable even if she did think you already knew you'd be babysitting. She only needed to say "I asked you last week, remember." or "Oops, I forgot to ask you." or whatever.

Yes, definitely disrespectful but perhaps best to remain calm. You've made your point (quite rightly) but not worth falling out over. I've just had three days of grandparent duty and am exhausted, so I think you do brilliantly to put in all those hours.

That was just rude and self-centred. I look after my grandchildren regularly and am quite often called in like the cavalry to take on extra care – there are quite a lot of them so someone is bound to be going to the doctor/attending a school disco/got a dentist's appointment/having a parent-teacher meeting and so on and so on. Absentdaughter expects me to step in and help out – and that kind of taking for granted is fine by me, as it's part of the reason I moved to be close to her – but, without fail, she always asks as soon as she knows that she needs some extra help. She always thanks me afterwards too.

I should just get busy yourself so that you are not always available and she knows that she will need to consult your diary before she arranges anything.

I posted on another thread about my dil who said I was irritating because she always had to ask me to babysit - well how else would I know she needed me.

I think sons and dils think we sit about all day having a wonderful time and are always gagging to babysit. (Well I do love it.)

I've only let them down once because I was recovering from flu and my gd had a nasty virus with a fever and I didn't want to catch another infection.

My refusal wasn't well received I can tell you and I was made to feel selfish.

Does your daughter usually ask or does she normally just assume?

If she normally does ask then her reaction might have been rather abrupt because she realised she'd genuinely forgotten to ask and her plans would be in jeopardy. Of course there's always the possibility she did ask and you've forgotten.

30th birthdays are considered rather special by this generation. Perhaps a text just to ask if the GC will be staying over that night as you're a bit confused by her reaction? Best not to let things get blown up out of all proportion.

Falconbird.
Try not to let them 'make' you feel bad. It's definitely unreasonable to expect GPs to be constantly available regardless.

Thanks everyone. They had originally booked a party at my husbands golfclub 5 weeks ago to which we were all going. She said on thursday at 11am that she couldn't get a babysitter in the end so much to my hubby's displeasure she asked him to cancel it 3 weeks before!! He was very upset. I then received a copy of a txt at 12.45 she sent round saying party's off but we're headed to town and party at theirs after. No mention of us involved. No request for us to have the kids overnight. I obviously read between the lines! My hubby was even angrier when I told him what happened yesterday. He rang her and accused her of 'stitching ' me up and cancelling just so we could have the kids over night! Not a nice expression i know but he was so hurt and so she know no longer wants to see us. I don't know what to do . Heartbroken here. It's our grandaughter 3rd birthday tomorrow and she's said we can't go.

This is what I meant be not letting it blow up,out of all proportion.

You have to sort this out PDQ.

And I suggest that your husband, who escalated it, is the one who needs to speak to her - if he can be trusted not to make things worse.

I've changed my profile name so this might get confusing!! He won't speak to her. He's had enough. This is not the first selfish disrespectful thing she has done. We've had years of it.
She does usually ask but doesn't like me to say no if it's something she really wants to do. She had a huge 21st , we've just paid for a huge wedding and lots of other things in between. We just want respect and some appreciation

I'm afraid some mums get a bit power mad. Hold tight Marfin41 and try to keep composed. It's highly unlikely that your dil/daughter will keep this up because you are a very very good gran and she will soon realise that she needs you to babysit, also to have close contact with your gd who you are obviously close to.

My main allies in seeing my grandchildren are the grandchildren themselves, who keep up a constant "when are we going to see nan," chorus.

Do you realise you've posted.....

'hubby's displeasure'

'hubby was even angrier'

'he...accused her'

'he was so hurt'

I know the relationship between father and daughter is usually a very close one, so what's going on here, that's dragged you into such a situation. Is he normally so 'angry' or have you given him bullets to fire?

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh but I'm concerned this is all getting very out of hand.

Any I don't know whether you do have grandkids or what sort of relationship you have with your kids it ours has been given everything! !! And yes he was angry on my behalf. He hates the way she treats me. So yes I did realise that I said those things. He is embarrassed at having to tell the club only 3 weeks before. Abd may well have to lose £200 deposit. So yes he is quite rightly annoyed

Yes Marfin I have 5 grandchildren and I see 4 of them on a regular basis, childmind, baby sit, etc.. I have been taken for advantage on occasion, as I suspect have many of us hands-on grans. It goes with the territory.

I diagnose an advanced case of Bruised Male Ego and Looking Bad at The Golf Club

But really you have two choices. Sort this out or let things get worse.

I'm so sorry it's got to this point. It sounds like a knee jerk embarrassed reaction from your daughter who knows the change of plan had excluded you and it hadn't really been explained properly. it must hurt, though. Even if perhaps the changed plan isn't something you would necessarily enjoy? Think Anya is right unless your husband might make it worse? Perhaps think which one of you is most likely to get a good outcome? Could your SiL be an ally? Hope you can come to an understanding quickly. You have all been a big part of each other's lives. So hope you can find a way through and even a better understanding.

Your daughter sounds spoilt. And entitled.

Trouble is, this is her 30th, sp this may not be the time to put your foot down.

She does usually ask.

On this occasion, I would calm it right down, and choose another time to try and set some ground rules.

I hope you are allowed to go tomorrow. And that she has a nice 30th.

Good post S2B

It's a difficult situation, but maybe one that is the result of your DD having always had what she wanted without too much fuss from you and your DH. Perhaps she has become accustomed to being able to make her plans in the safe knowledge that you'll always be there for her - as you have up till now.

I do completely understand your upset, and in particular how frustrated your DH must have felt at being put in such an awkward position with his golf club. Your DD obviously didn't consider these consequences when she cancelled, as all she was trying to do was rescue an important date in her calendar the best way she could. She probably felt that you and her father wouldn't be remotely interested in a night on the tiles and a party at theirs into the early hours (I know we wouldn't!, so the obvious solution would be that you have the GC - after all, you've never minded before.

You were absolutely right to make your point, but maybe now is the time to get in touch and tell her that you will, of course, have the children (with a gentle reminder to ask in future). Please don't let the situation get out of hand. In the meantime for you.