Gossip from around my way...

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Uncle Nigel is looking for a new job, he really doesn't get on with his boss at the butchers.

He says he's going to leave before he gets the chop.

That's really tickled me, vampirequeen

My BIL has a boomerang but he had forgotten how to throw it,

Then it came back to him

'Ye Olde Tea Shoppe' got rid of their new waitress you know.

Apparently she's a bit of a stirrer.

The first time I got hold of the Universal remote control, I thought

Well, this changes everything.....

Brilliant!

There was a wedding in my village recently between to WiFi engineers, the reception was fantastic.

Cousin Angela had to throw her lodger out when she came home to find he was playing hypnotic music to her pet snake..

Charming!

Our local Italian restaurant had to close, the chef pastaway......

Its a shame when places close down. The paper shop has gone too.

Business folded.

Rita from number 13 isn't courting that circus clown now.

He kept getting really funny with her.

A book just fell on my head

I blame my shelf

Next door told me that she recently bought a new toilet brush

Long story short, she says she’s going back to toilet paper

I got banned from that masochism club for having the wrong attitude.

Who cares? I'm certainly not going to beat myself up about it.

My neighbour tried phoning the Tinnitus helpline, but she said it just kept ringing

The swine flu helpline is just as bad.
I phoned that, and all I got was crackling.

I’ve been told I’m condescending

( that means I talk down to people )

Great aunt Hilda had a shock when someone broke in and stole her prosthetic limb.

They just legged it.

My step ladder is in the shed

I never knew my real ladder

Nobody knows except you, but I'm actually a qualified hairdresser.

I'll do yours if you want, but keep it under your hat.

Did you know the yoga instructors husband has been seeing some else?

She is furious. Well, she has bent over backwards for that man.

Remember the violinst from our local orchestra? They've got a new man in to do their finances and told him its "too much for him".

Personally, I think he was on the fiddle.