Has anyone supported an AC to establish contact with their child?

Did she mention why she sought professional advice and what it was over? With such a young baby, maybe your son could visit at her home, or have short visits for now? It's good you've started the legal process for him to have time with his child.

The next day following the visit (which was a few hours and I supervised as she requested so I know the baby was happy and well taken care of during this time) she messaged to say she had noticed some behaviour changes and would need to seek ‘professional’ advice on appropriate contact. Since then she has refused to discuss contact until she had received a callback from social services but we’ve no idea if she’s spoken to them or not. Unfortunately it will be impossible for contact to take place at her house and they are not speaking at all.

1. Your son needs to talk to a lawyer asap to talk about his rights

2. Why are you the point of contact for all communication with the mother of the child?
It is your son's responsibility to take that role, not yours.

Let them work together how their co-parenting relationship is going to work out.

Just to add, I did ask what the behavioural changes were and she responded with the implication that I was pressuring her. We have agreed to all her terms so far and I have asked and offered to do whatever would help her feel reassured whilst baby is in my son’s care but she just reiterates that she is seeking advice and won’t agree to contact before that.

My son is hesitant about initiating the legal process because he knows the quickest way to see his child is with her agreement (plus he just wants them to get along for the baby and I have told him about the adversarial nature of family courts from personal experience). He thinks she will withdraw completely once that starts. But it looks like that is sadly happening anyway.

Hithere

1. Your son needs to talk to a lawyer asap to talk about his rights

2. Why are you the point of contact for all communication with the mother of the child?
It is your son's responsibility to take that role, not yours.

Let them work together how their co-parenting relationship is going to work out.

Thank you. We have been seeking advice but my above post explains why that hasn’t happened just yet. She will not speak to him at all and contacted me first to discuss contact so that’s continued until she recently stopped responding.

So we have two issues here:

1. How you can you support your son - be there for him, listen to him, support him.

2. The relationship breaking down and the agreement
When a relationship breaks up, it can get ugly and it obviously impacts custody agreements.
From your posts, I understand the mother is taking the lead on anything legal + visits + agreements, and your son is following her lead - am I getting it wrong?

His child deserves his/her father present in his life. He must fight for what's right.

Custody agreements, child support, etc, at least in the US, are handled by lawyers.
I thought it was the same in the UK.

Yes, I guess I mainly posted for help in emotionally supporting my son but also to hopefully hear people’s (hopefully positive) experiences.

In a nutshell, we are being proactive whilst waiting to see if she’s open to establishing contact, even if just a few hours a week to start with.

She initially took the lead with suggesting care arrangements and gave my son 48 hours to agree, which he did. She then missed scheduled contacts and started imposing more and more conditions but at this point has refused the last few scheduled contacts and has stopped responding to messages (one sent every few days, asking how they both are and seeing if contact will be happening in line with the agreement (paraphrased)).

He is getting legal advice in the meantime so we know what needs to happen, it’s just a matter of waiting for the right time. He’s still holding out that she might still be open to arranging this amicably and thinks it’s worth giving it a good shot before initiating legal proceedings (which will potentially create a break in his relationship with baby) as he thinks that will be a point of no return for a amicable coparenting relationship for the next year or so as they go through the very slow court process.

I assume at some point she will contact the child maintenance service but he is happy to pay it on a voluntary basis in any event.

In answer to the UK legal process, custody (what we call lives with/care and contact) is dealt with by lawyers and courts but only where the parents can’t agree between themselves or where there are safeguarding concerns. The process is extremely slow and causes a lot of pain all round. The process actually starts with mediation (where suitable) as the courts expect parents to show that they have tried to reach agreement before involving the courts. Basically, everyone should try and avoid it if they can but if that’s the only option open to us, then of course we will absolutely take it.

Do you know exactly what her concerns are ? If it is just that she doesn’t want to deal with your son it sounds very,very strange and rather spiteful. Maybe she has a genuine worry, real or imagined , which she needs to at least tell you or your son about. I hope it can be solved because it is so sad for a child to grow up without a father figure when Dad wants to see his baby.

nanna8

Do you know exactly what her concerns are ? If it is just that she doesn’t want to deal with your son it sounds very,very strange and rather spiteful. Maybe she has a genuine worry, real or imagined , which she needs to at least tell you or your son about. I hope it can be solved because it is so sad for a child to grow up without a father figure when Dad wants to see his baby.

I have tried to gently inquire about what's worrying her but she didn’t say. They are both young and I can imagine that she is hurting a lot over their separation and I’ve wondered if she’s possibly lashing out in the only way she can. They had only been together a short time when she got pregnant so they didn’t really get to know each other properly.

This is not the first time she has broken up with him; the first time she was messaging me telling me he is ‘just like his dad’, doesn’t help with baby, doesn’t know what he’s doing with baby, is making her do all the work to the point she wasn’t coping etc. I was very upset about this and had planned to discuss it with him to tell him he needs to start pulling his weight. That time she was insisting he have baby but again would only allow a supervised visit of a few hours. I was fully expecting him to be useless and that I’d have to provide a lot of support during the visit so imagine my surprise when he’s a total pro with baby, clearly knows what she needs and when and responded to all her needs himself. It struck me immediately that there’s no way he would have been that confident if he’d been shirking his responsibilities in the way she described, he would have been unsure and cautious like in the very early days. According to my son, they did 50:50 care, sometimes that would be one of them having baby on their own for a two to three days as she would go to stay with her mum, at times with baby and at others alone while my son cared for baby at home.

My son insists this is totally out of character for her and he has shown me messages where she says she has PND and he is encouraging her to talk to the health visitor but apparently she has not done that. There have been times I’ve worried that she was putting a lot of pressure on herself. For my part I tried to reassure her that she was doing a great job and how hard having a new baby is. It’s obviously been a process for me learning my role in the dynamic but I’ve been really careful not to give any unsolicited advice and only visit when they wanted me to so as not to impose whilst also being there for them.

This is all just speculation of course because we don’t really know why she doesn’t want baby to spend time with dad.

Your son has to take legal action as his girlfriend is denying him access and refusing to communicate with him. You say 'we' have started the process. Be careful.
Legal involvement does not engender hostility in isolation; it is the situation that does that, and at present it seems the only route by which he will gain access to his child. If it takes six months, that is better than nothing; persevere.
What about maintenance? Is that organised on a regular, reliable basis?
You don't say how old the child is or how long this situation has existed, but the longer you leave it the more difficult it will become.
Your son has to take action; his girlfriend is making it impossible, at present, for mediation to take place.

Do you have any contact with her family, they may have some concerns too and not totally in agreement with hers?

eazybee

Your son has to take legal action as his girlfriend is denying him access and refusing to communicate with him. You say 'we' have started the process. Be careful.
Legal involvement does not engender hostility in isolation; it is the situation that does that, and at present it seems the only route by which he will gain access to his child. If it takes six months, that is better than nothing; persevere.
What about maintenance? Is that organised on a regular, reliable basis?
You don't say how old the child is or how long this situation has existed, but the longer you leave it the more difficult it will become.
Your son has to take action; his girlfriend is making it impossible, at present, for mediation to take place.

I think he is realising now that there aren’t many options left at this point but I can also understand his pain at the thought of missing out on so much of baby’s early life. My personal experience of family court is that it makes a hostile situation much worse as everyone is under scrutiny as part of the process. I am trying to be vague in case the situation is recognisable and my primary purpose is to have somewhere to discuss all this so I can be a better support to my son. Baby is under 6 months and this started less than a month ago. I assume she will have contacted CMS, or will at some point point, but all offers of financial help have been declined or ignored so far.

Jaxjacky

Do you have any contact with her family, they may have some concerns too and not totally in agreement with hers?

I have met her mum a couple of times and got on ok with her so I have considered maybe reaching out. What has stopped me is concern that she might see it as an attempt to bypass or pressure her. All my communications so far have focussed on reassuring her and allowing her space to agree contact on her terms until she feels more able to trust him. It’s difficult though as I can’t see a good reason for her to have cut contact entirely and she isn’t saying what the issue is so we’ve said we’ll do whatever she wants in order to feel contact is safe but she has just reiterated that she is seeking advice first.

One word of caution - you do not know what happened behind closed doors between a couple

Do NOT reach out to her mom!

You are way too involved in this

Let your son handle this.

I would not attempt to make contact with any of her family MissBurns.

Your son must fight for his legal right to have a relationship with his child. The mother saying she'd seen behavioural changes after you'd looked after the baby was a clear indication IMO of her plan to keep him away from his child.

Being there for your son is how you support him. Helping with the cost of legal advice if you are able and if he needs it would I'm sure be greatly appreciated.

I hope that this can be resolved and your son will be able to see his child.

Is the father named on the birth certificate?

My personal experience of family court is that it makes a hostile situation much worse as everyone is under scrutiny as part of the process

Way, way too involved.

Perhaps your son would accept you paying for his legal advice.

A shoulder and financial help are things you could offer.

Don't interact with her or her family.

Hithere

One word of caution - you do not know what happened behind closed doors between a couple

Do NOT reach out to her mom!

You are way too involved in this

Let your son handle this.

I agree that I don’t know what happened although I have my sons version of events of course and what I have observed myself. I’m deliberately not touching on any of that in this thread precisely because I don’t really know and also because the focus should be on establishing contact for my grandchild's benefit. I’m inclined to agree that contacting her mum is not a good idea. Unfortunately I’ve been dragged into this (on more than one occasion) because she is only communicating with me, although it seems even that has stopped now. I’m not sure how I can step back at the moment as I naturally want to support my son as much as I can and I am also being denied contact and a relationship with baby by extension (or maybe design, I don’t know). I’m hurting too and we’ve spent hours and hours discussing this at all hours of the day and night so I’m hoping this thread will give me a separate outlet so I can give him space to process this without burdening him with my personal feelings about it all.

Smileless2012

I would not attempt to make contact with any of her family MissBurns.

Your son must fight for his legal right to have a relationship with his child. The mother saying she'd seen behavioural changes after you'd looked after the baby was a clear indication IMO of her plan to keep him away from his child.

Being there for your son is how you support him. Helping with the cost of legal advice if you are able and if he needs it would I'm sure be greatly appreciated.

I hope that this can be resolved and your son will be able to see his child.

I think that is good advice and precisely why I’ve been hesitant despite considering it as an option. I agree with you, that definitely felt like a shift in position. I had noticed a shift in her communication in the lead up to that and I felt that she was cooling towards me. Thank you, I really hope this can be resolved as soon as possible.

eazybee

Is the father named on the birth certificate?

My personal experience of family court is that it makes a hostile situation much worse as everyone is under scrutiny as part of the process

Way, way too involved.

Yes he is on the birth certificate and baby has his surname.

I’m not sure how I could have been less involved since she would only communicate with me and it was she who contacted me first to discuss a contact schedule and arranging to collect her belongings from his place.

Norah

Perhaps your son would accept you paying for his legal advice.

A shoulder and financial help are things you could offer.

Don't interact with her or her family.

Yes, this is something I am doing as well. I think at this point she is not going to respond so me further so we will have to go down the legal route now.

MissBurns

Norah

Perhaps your son would accept you paying for his legal advice.

A shoulder and financial help are things you could offer.

Don't interact with her or her family.

Yes, this is something I am doing as well. I think at this point she is not going to respond so me further so we will have to go down the legal route now.

Your Son will go down legal route. Perhaps you financially help.

Please don't say anything against her, don't be an enemy.

MissBurns

Hithere

One word of caution - you do not know what happened behind closed doors between a couple

Do NOT reach out to her mom!

You are way too involved in this

Let your son handle this.

I agree that I don’t know what happened although I have my sons version of events of course and what I have observed myself. I’m deliberately not touching on any of that in this thread precisely because I don’t really know and also because the focus should be on establishing contact for my grandchild's benefit. I’m inclined to agree that contacting her mum is not a good idea. Unfortunately I’ve been dragged into this (on more than one occasion) because she is only communicating with me, although it seems even that has stopped now. I’m not sure how I can step back at the moment as I naturally want to support my son as much as I can and I am also being denied contact and a relationship with baby by extension (or maybe design, I don’t know). I’m hurting too and we’ve spent hours and hours discussing this at all hours of the day and night so I’m hoping this thread will give me a separate outlet so I can give him space to process this without burdening him with my personal feelings about it all.

If he’s named on the birth certificate, then that will ease the process with the court. He already has joint parental responsibility.

Assuming there are no good reasons to keep him away, it should be fairly straightforward.

His best bet would be to conduct a good family law solicitor, and find out what he needs to do next.

Support him financially, if you can, be there to emotionally support him - but don’t get in the middle of anything with them.

When he sorts out his contact arrangements, he can bring the baby to see you anyway. 😊