Reducing contact because my heart just isn't in it.

Just a note that I can now see private messages, so I'll be onto those shortly.

I would say contact but no conflict. I do that with a certain member of my family. I realised some time ago this wasn’t worth the stress and keep the visits and texts to a minimum.

Good for you.
Does your sibling feel the same way?

MarieElla

Good for you.
Does your sibling feel the same way?

My sibling has had their own issues with our mother but not as much as me since expectations are generally lower there (I'm the eldest). My sibling agrees with my point of view on the issues.

Harris27

I would say contact but no conflict. I do that with a certain member of my family. I realised some time ago this wasn’t worth the stress and keep the visits and texts to a minimum.

Contact but not conflict sounds like a good four word policy in approach. Visits won't happen but phone calls are up in the air.

Terribly sad, I’d just add please do this in a way which hopefully leaves you with no regrets or misplaced feeling of guilt when they die. (I don’t mean that quite a bluntly as this may come across)

Cossy

Terribly sad, I’d just add please do this in a way which hopefully leaves you with no regrets or misplaced feeling of guilt when they die. (I don’t mean that quite a bluntly as this may come across)

It's a very fair statement to make and very true. Not too blunt at all. :-)

What a sad situation for all.

Allsorts

What a sad situation for all.

I guess they made their choices, so I have to make mine.

I wish you well with the choices you've made lovethepuppies.

Oreo

Of course, just reduce the amount and duration of texts, phone calls and emails. Allow them to contact you first sometimes.
Maintain a relationship and see what happens.Parents aren’t perfect and have their own troubles and insecurities.

I'm returning to this early post as basically as far as I can see it its applying the yellow rock approach. Certainly before you estrange try it first. Thinking of cossy's comments on guilt too.

Hard work at the start. I'm having to decide to use it (much less pressure than family) on someone in a group I go to a lot.

"The yellow rock technique means staying polite and brief while keeping your emotions hidden. It is a friendly version of the gray rock method, using small niceties like a warm greeting or short polite phrases so you do not look cold, angry, or defensive.

How to Do It
Add mild politeness: Say simple things like "Hope you are having a good day" or "Thanks".

Keep it short Answer in one or two clear sentences.Stick to facts: Talk only about the immediate topic or logistics, and do not share personal details about your life.

Do not take the bait : Ignore insults, guilt trips, or traps to start a fight.

Why It Helps with Parents
Prevents big fights: Giving a tiny bit of warmth stops them from feeling attacked or stonewalled, which keeps arguments from blowing up.

Protects your energy You stay in control and do not waste strength on old drama.

Keeps you looking calm If other family members or outside parties look at your texts or emails, you always appear to be the reasonable and kind person.

Smileless2012

I wish you well with the choices you've made lovethepuppies.

I made a very opposite choice but sometimes, it's better to just accept and go the other way. I don't have the energy for all this, so it's better to just ride the wave rather than tame it sometimes.

Wyllow3

Oreo

Of course, just reduce the amount and duration of texts, phone calls and emails. Allow them to contact you first sometimes.
Maintain a relationship and see what happens.Parents aren’t perfect and have their own troubles and insecurities.

I'm returning to this early post as basically as far as I can see it its applying the yellow rock approach. Certainly before you estrange try it first. Thinking of cossy's comments on guilt too.

Hard work at the start. I'm having to decide to use it (much less pressure than family) on someone in a group I go to a lot.

"The yellow rock technique means staying polite and brief while keeping your emotions hidden. It is a friendly version of the gray rock method, using small niceties like a warm greeting or short polite phrases so you do not look cold, angry, or defensive.

How to Do It
Add mild politeness: Say simple things like "Hope you are having a good day" or "Thanks".

Keep it short Answer in one or two clear sentences.Stick to facts: Talk only about the immediate topic or logistics, and do not share personal details about your life.

Do not take the bait : Ignore insults, guilt trips, or traps to start a fight.

Why It Helps with Parents
Prevents big fights: Giving a tiny bit of warmth stops them from feeling attacked or stonewalled, which keeps arguments from blowing up.

Protects your energy You stay in control and do not waste strength on old drama.

Keeps you looking calm If other family members or outside parties look at your texts or emails, you always appear to be the reasonable and kind person.

Thanks for these ideas. I'm just going with the flow. I have a message with my parents by text each day. I'm just doing that for now and keeping it polite and sharing small talk. It keeps the contact without too much demand.

Since there's a post about OPs not updating, I thought I would.

Things are quiet, but I've been plausibly busy that my parents won't have noticed I've pulled back. My mother will have noticed I didn't phone her for her birthday. That was way too soon to what I'll call 'the trigger event'. I did send a gift and a birthday message in the morning though. It may all just quietly fade.

Quietly fading is fine by me. We do instant message each other daily, so I'll keep that up. I am at the place where I don't feel that I need to discuss it with them. It's best to just accept who they are and who they have always been. The thing I'll be dropping is the weekly phone calls with my mother. I just can't right now.

I've spoken to someone professional about it all. This has helped me accept that I don't need to do anything other than just accept how things are. I've given myself permission to not be 'the good daughter' and 'the responsible one they can always count on'.

Right now I have a need for ongoing space and I'm going to honour that. As I said, we are in daily contact at a level I feel okay about.

I think the correct term is soft ghosting, reducing contact so eventually there is none. I would much rather want to know why.

I'm not ghosting though. I'm sending daily text messages, as is our habit for years. She will know why.

I also have no intention to stop the texting tradition. It feels like a safer way to connect at the moment. The previous closeness may be lost for good, I don't know, but I'm giving all I have the emotional bandwidth for right now.

It's great that you've healed enough to realize that lowering contact with your toxic parents is the correct move. Hopefully as you heal more you will overcome the obligation and guilt they have instilled in you that you compels you to stay in contact at all. Unless you are trying to score an inheritance or just keep the general peace with extended family, there is no real good reason to stay in contact with toxic people, family or not.

Them being family doesn't excuse any harm they have done to you or your mental health. The fact they are family actually makes it worse instead of excusable.

User148391

It's great that you've healed enough to realize that lowering contact with your toxic parents is the correct move. Hopefully as you heal more you will overcome the obligation and guilt they have instilled in you that you compels you to stay in contact at all. Unless you are trying to score an inheritance or just keep the general peace with extended family, there is no real good reason to stay in contact with toxic people, family or not.

Them being family doesn't excuse any harm they have done to you or your mental health. The fact they are family actually makes it worse instead of excusable.

Thanks for your support. I have no problem with maintaining the level of contact I have decided on. It's safe and I don't want to cut contact all together. There's some natural geographical distance anyway.

No, not after an inheritance. Chances are there won't be one and I've encouraged them to spend it all if they want/need to. I don't think anyone owes an inheritance. Inheritances are just what's left over. I'm not like that.

Wyllow, I cannot stand all these techniques you mention to break away from people, its mind games and I think unkind, like sending someone to ‘Coventry’. Just be honest.
All this mention of toxic parents, if they were violent, cruel and neglectful just tell them honestly that you need to put all that behind you and cannot have a relationship with them and don't. Children come first and they shouldn't have a childhood scared and unloved. Poster doesn't see her parents, doesn't want to see them so its all pointless anyway, I should think by now they have a good idea anyway,
I do think however that we remember, that none of us are perfect parents, that doesn't make you a bad one, we are learning everyday and the majority of us really love our children and do our best,

Allsorts

Wyllow, I cannot stand all these techniques you mention to break away from people, its mind games and I think unkind, like sending someone to ‘Coventry’. Just be honest.
All this mention of toxic parents, if they were violent, cruel and neglectful just tell them honestly that you need to put all that behind you and cannot have a relationship with them and don't. Children come first and they shouldn't have a childhood scared and unloved. Poster doesn't see her parents, doesn't want to see them so its all pointless anyway, I should think by now they have a good idea anyway,
I do think however that we remember, that none of us are perfect parents, that doesn't make you a bad one, we are learning everyday and the majority of us really love our children and do our best,

Yes, that's why I offered to buy them a house near me so I could care for them in their old age, tried to organise a visit to them even though it's really hard for me and far away (which is the crux of the issue btw, even if I haven't posted specifics) and have previously called every week in spite of a very demanding life because my mother was going through some health things and I thought it would help her world be less small. That really sounds like someone who didn't want to see her parents, not.

You tried all you could to take care of your parents and help them in their old age but they wanted to stay where they are so you did your best. I can understand how this must be so frustrating for you and hurtful but they have made their minds up an realise you cant help from a great distance.I do not see what you are doing is anything like what Wyllow describes.

I know what you mean Allsorts.

Not all parents who are estranged are toxic. Sometimes those involved in the relationship simply don't get on which can be because of the AC's personality or issues, rather than the parents.

Assigning labels can be helpful but not always necessary. What's described as the yellow rock technique is what a lot of people do in adult relationships that they're not altogether at ease with; common sense IMO.

It comes across in your posts lovethepuppies that you are trying to balance your needs with those of your parents by creating the emotional distance you need, while maintaining the relationship.

It's admiral and you're to be congratulated .

I don’t know what the fuss is all about - the OP messages her mum daily , that’s more than what my children do 😂 - we have never really been the daily contact family. Everyone is busy with their own lives
We have a Family WhatsApp group and are in contact that way. We are a big family and if I started phoning each and everyone daily, it would take me all day.
So something has happened, where the OP now feels she is being treated as second best.
But she is doing the right thing, maintaining contact but not going over the top. No one is getting hurt. [flowers%]

maintaining contact but not going over the top I agree crazy that this is the best approach in the circumstances.