I've been a rubbish mum/gran

JaneJudge

I love Monica. I wish she'd give me a good talking to sometimes. Especially on a Monday morning when I don't want to go into work

Oh dear, do i come over that badly. In reality I am as sweet as a pussy cat.

I think this is all over simplified. These feelings are just the surface and something deeper is behind it all. The only way of finding that out is a conversation between mother and daughter.

Monica, not at all! You come across as lovely!

Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my OP.
I have taken everything on board and got some good suggestions. I am going to write everything down just to get it off my chest, but I won't actually give that to my DD as I don't think she will respond well. Other than that I will leave things alone as much as I can to let the dust settle and take my cue from her rather than force the issue - hopefully time will heal.
Don't think the same approach will work with my son though as he can be exceptionally stubborn so, even though DIL does not like surprise visits I am going to call on them after DGS bedtime to see if we can thrash it out and move forward. Wish me luck!!
Finally, I really can't thank you all enough for you kindness and support (well, almost all of you ). Mentally I am now in a much stronger frame of mind thanks to this wonderful community

Wishing you all the best, Annge.

Good luck Annge .

Writing everything down and getting it off your chest can be very cathartic Annge and I'm glad that you're in a stronger frame of mind.

FWIW I think that waiting to see if things settle down with your D is a good idea and I hope that she'll take the time to look at how she's behaved and see the error of her ways.

I hope that if you were able to thrash it out with your son that you've managed to clear the air and find a way forward. Sometimes 'taking the bull by the horns' is the right thing to do.

I hope you'll keep in touch and let us know how things are and wish you well .

Annge

Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my OP.
I have taken everything on board and got some good suggestions. I am going to write everything down just to get it off my chest, but I won't actually give that to my DD as I don't think she will respond well. Other than that I will leave things alone as much as I can to let the dust settle and take my cue from her rather than force the issue - hopefully time will heal.
Don't think the same approach will work with my son though as he can be exceptionally stubborn so, even though DIL does not like surprise visits I am going to call on them after DGS bedtime to see if we can thrash it out and move forward. Wish me luck!!
Finally, I really can't thank you all enough for you kindness and support (well, almost all of you ). Mentally I am now in a much stronger frame of mind thanks to this wonderful community

Would it be best to arrange something at a neutral location? I would find someone showing up unannounced to have a word with me very disrespectful and they would not cross the threshold.

So glad that you will write it out, Annge, as that also helps me. No, definitely don't give the writing to your D. It is for you, to help you. Sending best wishes.

Oh dear, OP, I’m sorry you have found yourself in this situation with both of your children.
I think that you need to listen to what they are both saying to you, and then judge whether there is any truth at all in what they say. If so, give them a genuine apology and say that you will try to do better, as much as you are able. If not, then calmly and clearly explain why you haven’t been able to do as they have obviously hoped for.
Turning up to your son’s house to ‘thrash it out’ when you already know that your DIL does not like surprise visits sounds like a really bad idea, more suited to you than to them, and may be one clue as to why they are upset with you!

I would not just turn up. Could make you feel much worse. It looks as if they have joined forces and cancelled you, that's the latest, not estranged, they cancel.
They hold all the cards and we need them more than they do us. I no longer exist to my daughter because that's what she planned.

Ask to meet somewhere neutral to thrash it out.
They don't hold all the cards.
They quite possibly will be missing you too and coukd be regretting that things have gone too far.

When it comes to access to GC, they do hold all the cards MarieElla.

Not in all cases, tbh.
My sister estranged herself from my mother for good reason ( and only wanted mum to recognise how she has failed her (and me but I didn't want to cut contact as I live on another country and didn't have to see her too much)
Mum held the card there as she just needed to accept she got many things wrong and my sister would have been open yo a reunion.
It is rare that children cut their parents off for no reason.....very rare.

That doesn't apply to my post because when it comes to access to GC, the parents hold all the cards MarieElla. You cannot see your GC without the consent of their parents.

Not all EAC are open to reconciliation regardless of what their EP's may say or do to try to make amends.

It is rare that children cut their parents off for no reason it doesn't necessarily follow though that the reason has anything to do the parents they've estranged being at fault; EAC can be and at times are at fault.

I read the original post and commented but have only just returned to this thread.
Two words stand out to me: 'disrespect' and 'apologise'.
In no way have you disrespected (silly word anyway)your daughter, Annge; she has shown a great lack of respect to you and is treating you in a hurtful and immature manner. You have apologised, and your apology has been rejected with contempt. Do not offer it again.
I am wondering who is looking after their child now, for two ten -hour days as well as a stressful and tiring job with complications of health issues.
You are wise to write it all down, keep it for a few days then burn it, otherwise you will re-read it at a later date and the feelings and upset will return. I really would not go and thrash it out with your son; it is none of his business anyway, but it will only exacerbate the situation.
You do not deserve such ungrateful children and what has happened is most definitely not your fault, but at present I really would let things ride. I have a feeling they will require your help soon, for Saturday morning shopping, and I would be very careful how you respond.
How has this happened that adult children are able to treat their parents with such contempt? (witness the example of H & M).

Your daughter chose to become pregnant. We all managed years ago, even with a toddler.

Tine she stood on her own two feet. 🙄

Please don’t show up unannounced Op, you know they do not like it, so why be rude because you can? Should you do it anyway expect everything to get much worse.
If my parents - let alone my in-laws - had shown up unannounced to tell me off I’d have been livid.