I've been a rubbish mum/gran

Annge

Hi Casdon

Wow, sounds like you're the mother my daughter wishes she had. Perhaps I can put you two in touch!
You sound amazing, perfect even.
I'm not.

I’m not perfect at all Annge, but my daughter is a great girl, she wouldn’t tell me she was struggling unless she really was, and I’d know it was a cry for help.

I think we all really feel for you Annge. Family dynamics are so full of subtleties and nuances that it's impossible to give advice about what to do. I would say, dont bully yourself over this. You are you, your own kind of mum and granny.. none if us are anywhere near perfect but neither are our kids!! I would just let this storm pass and lie low a bit. Don't JADE (justify,argue, defend, explain. Keep loving them in the way you know best. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with friendship. I hope it comes right. Take care xxxx

Oreo

Hmmm.🤔

love it! ha ha

It never ceases to amaze me how people have multiple children and expect their mothers to help raise them for them, when they've already raised their own family.
It seems they want the penny and the bun.

Where was the husband in all of this? if she couldn't speak up, why didn't he give you a call and ask for help? I don't know the circumstances about his mother and whether she could have stepped in but it sounds so cruelly unjust to treat you as the scapegoat for all their problems, and to whinge to other family members is unforgivable

As far as I can see, you've done nothing wrong Annge you've helped out both ACs as best you can. That Son and Dil seem to have developed short memories by the sounds of it too, they've got a cheek to shove their oar in. They should all look past their own needs, take more responsibility for their own kids and show a bit more consideration for their mother.
I would look to your own health and let the dust settle for now. You could write how you feel in a letter to her and leave the ball in her court, maybe in time she'll see how hurtful she's been

My mother suffered from depression on and off. When she volunteered to come and stay to help after my first child was born I was very hopeful that this would be a positive experience. It was grim. She did nothing and I counted the says till she went back home. She came again when my second was born but I had lowered my expectations and accepted that I would have to look after her for the duration!
What hurt was that each time she would return she woukd tell people that she was exhausted from helping me.

Did you break your crystal ball Annge? Why did she not use her voice to ask you for help . It’s hard not to be an interfering grandparent. If you call round Willy nilly you are wrong . If you offer to help they either refuse or pile too much onto you . You can’t win . Try not to be too upset, and look after yourself .

I can not understand why when your daughter said she was struggling with the tiredness and breast feeding your reply wasn't " How can I help"
I appreciate you have health problems but surely this is instinctive, but you could have offered to cook a meal which her husband could have collected or he could drop off the washing or if you were able you could have gone over on the odd afternoon . I know some will say it up to your SiL to help out and yes it was but it you had at least offered it might have helped the situation.

62Granny well said, swimming against the tide of placatory platitudes here.

Always remember they choose to have children not you. It’s nice to be a grandparent but they’re not your responsibility.

This almost made me weep ...how very cruel at this big moment in your family life to round on you like this. I know you don't want sympathy but you sure as hell deserve some!
When did it become law that grandmothers have a duty to assist new parents anyway?....you were there for her after the birth and you did what you could with sensitivity to her needs.
These young women...when they decide to get pregnant, it's THEIR decision and THEIR responsibility to cope. Just as we had to do.
My Mum helped me a little ...she washed all the new nappies and got them soft and dry without a tumble dryer and in the middle of winter.. She and my Dad visited to coo over the babies but in no way did I expect her to take on any chores.
But the worst thing is to turn against you and encourage her brother and his wife to do the same.
Calmly and succinctly explain your position again and then step back. She/they are in the wrong. My heart goes out to you.

62Granny

I can not understand why when your daughter said she was struggling with the tiredness and breast feeding your reply wasn't " How can I help"
I appreciate you have health problems but surely this is instinctive, but you could have offered to cook a meal which her husband could have collected or he could drop off the washing or if you were able you could have gone over on the odd afternoon . I know some will say it up to your SiL to help out and yes it was but it you had at least offered it might have helped the situation.

Hi 62Granny

One of my issues is that I'm notoriously useless at 'reading between the lines'. I honestly thought she was just having a bit of a moan and simply didn't realise she actually wanted me to come and help! I do feel awful about it and would do anything to turn the clock back but obviously that's not an option - hence my plea for suggestions to repair our relationship.
I've tried to make it clear that I already know how rubbish I am so not necessary to hammer that home.

Also, as previously mentioned I have a number of chronic health conditions that were considerably worsened while minding my very active toddler DGS and I had to up my pain meds for about a month after.
I didn't mention it in my OP as I didn't feel it was relevant to the point of the post (suggestions for repairing the relationship) but I am an ambulatory wheelchair user which I can't use in DD house. This means I am restricted to struggling with sticks and in significant amounts of pain both at the time and for days after.

But, yes, 'how can I help' would definitely be what I should have said. So if you can tell me where to find that time machine that would be great x

What changed whereby husbands and wives cannot manage to have a child and look after it without asking their parents and even grandparents to help out all the time?
I did what my DD’s asked at times after the births but it was only very much here and there.
Later on I offered some child care if needed, again here and there and not every day. Still working part time and getting older so didn’t want to get too involved.
DD’s grateful for any help but if they acted like those of the OP then that would be it!

Annge, can you go out and have some fun?

I think ignoring it all might be the better option

Stop all this nonsense about you being a bad parent and grandparent immediately. You are nothing of the kind.

More to the point you have a manipulative and unsympathetic daughter who suddenly has to grow up and accept that now that she as a mother , she has got to be strong and resilient, not just look to Mummy to wipe away her tears and sort everything out.

Her selfishness when you have health problems leaves me aghast. As things are already bad, you might as well jump in with both feet now. Put your foot down no. Tell them what help you are prepared to offer. It should NOT include 7.00 - 1700 days.

At the very most it should be 5 hours a day 3 days a week and no more. Your health is not good and what you are currently doing is only going to make it worse.

As for what she says to friends and relatives. They may well know what your daughter is like and dismiss anything she says. If they do, so what? You know what the situation is, if they don't that is their problem not yours..

It is time to take a a large pair of shears to the apron strings your daughter is clinging to and cut them off. If you are not careful she will be standing at your death bed complaining about you dying when she needs a baby sitter next week.

I totally agree with M0nica.

Good grief Annge so you're an ambulatory wheelchair user who can't use your wheelchair in your D's house, so have to struggle with using sticks and pain, and you're being castigated for not being a mind reader, knowing that your D needed help without her asking for it, despite having provided 4 days of child care for her first child!!!

I'm pleased that you've posted again and although I'll be criticised for saying so being an EP myself, but hey ho I'm used to it, the brief history you've given of your relationship with your son and his wife came as no surprise. I suspected there was some kind of past disagreement which is why they appear to have taken this opportunity to break all contact with you.

TBF Casdon, this isn't about your relationship with your D, it's about the OP's relationship with her's and if you had missed a subliminal message from your D that she was struggling to cope with a new born and toddler and needed your help, would you have expected her to criticise you to her sibling(s) and wider family, or perhaps realising that you hadn't picked up on it, simply asked you.

I do hope Angee that you'll have realised from the vast majority of responses you have received that you are not at fault here. Any fault lies with your daughter, your son, your d.i.l. and any family member who is unable or unwilling to call out the terrible way you're being treated.

Be strong and take care of you.

Just seen your post M0nica and couldn't agree more .

I know!
Lets send M0nica round to speak to the daughter.

I do have every sympathy for Anngeand having read the details oof her health situation think she should not be doing any babysitting or child care at all.

But sometimes it helps to use a shock jock approach to make someone sit up and think about the selfishness of the way they are being treated and have a good bout of righteous anger, instead of always blaming themselves.

I love Monica. I wish she'd give me a good talking to sometimes. Especially on a Monday morning when I don't want to go into work

TBF Smileless2012, Annge hadn’t said she was an ambulatory wheelchair user and couldn’t get around in her daughter’s house when I responded, and I made it very clear that I was saying what I would do, not telling her what she should do?

I’d pick it up from her voice and what she said if my daughter was exhausted, without her needing to spell it out to me, and offering to help in any way I could would be my immediate reaction - and if I didn’t, she would tell me, not her brother, it would go right over his head anyway. I’m not saying anybody else should do the same, which as I said, I made clear.

We all have different relationships - and I know you won’t like this, but I’d still ask, however unwell I was, just because I’m her mum.

For me, Annge not offering to help isn't the issue here M0nica it's her D's subsequent behaviour which is all but ignoring her mother, the OP; telling tales to her brother and s.i.l. resulting in them cutting all contact with her and telling tales to the wider family.

I accept or course that we all have different relationships but for me, this type of behaviour is unacceptable.

Apologies; my post @ 20.41 is in response to Casdon.

For me, both things would be issues Smileless2012, but I realise neither of us can expect others, including Annge, to see things the way we do, because all our relationships with our own daughters are different.

Luckygirl and Smileless, yes, I do agree. I too have had 2 years of poor behaviour, often hard and very cruel, which seems to have become a type of estrangement from my daughter, who emigrated 7 years ago roughly, but said we were "unsupportive", and that she "didn't feel loved", despite our financial help, and offers to stay to help when her baby was born. It really hurts. So, I too feel your pain. You have really tried, and done so much for your daughter, it was your best and what you thought she wanted. You can only do what is in your power. It seems to me that this is a generational problem. I also have a neice who is, being very cruel to my brother in law, and his wife, for no real reason. Her behaviour is worse, but I won't go into that now. Suffice to say, this behaviour is all too common these days sadly. This current child bearing generation acts with a sense of entitlement, has selfish behaviour, really very mean behaviour, and, in our case, that seems to the beginning of an estrangement, something we don't want, but seem powerless to stop happening, and that estrangement is sadly increasingly common. It seems to us that this generation (born 1990 to 2000) are cruel, and selfish? If you had offered help, perhaps it would have may been refused, just like mine was! Emigration complicates what should have been a happy time, instead we feel bereft, and grief at what we have lost, and are so sad that what we thought we would have, a GC who would know us, which is now seemingy no longer possible. Although your daughter is nearer, her behaviour seems strikingly similar to our daughter's, (who we now think must have some kind of MHP.) We have had to accept that we have no control over the situation, other than to start trying to start to live our lives as happily as we can here, without her, or our GC in it, and with no contact with our GC, which hurts us both deeply. Our D's behaviour, like your daughter's, is both thoughtless, and so destructive. Try to protect yourself. We do understand what you are experiencing, and sadly it appears to be all too common these days. Also, if you can, try to keep a diary, as that will help you to see things as they really are, not how your D (and others see them), which seem to me to sound like a distorted version of events. It helps later for you to read your thoughts on events, (even much later) and then you will see why you are justified to feel as hurt as you do. Try also to shield yourself from further hurt, by not paying too much attention when she is being mean. Your feelings are valid, and you have a right to be treated with respect. You should feel loved and appreciated. Remember, you have done nothing wrong, and that you are not alone. There are others out there likd you. We too are going through hurt and grief. Sending very best wishes. I hope things resolve themselves with time.