How should a family manage an estranged relationship?

Siblings etc often don't have chance to "pick a side" but will also be cut off.
We are currently estranged from OH's sister. Our children understand and support our decision but keep in touch with her and we respect their decision .
A friend is on the verge of being estranged from her daughter. Friend is desperate to do anything to keep the relationship going, but her OH is so hurt and angry about how they have been treated that he wants to break contact. Their's was a rock solid marriage but is now under strain

Often when there's an estrangement, the entire side of the family is also estranged.

In our case, as far as we are aware our ES remains in intermittent contact with his brother and we think him living in Aus. may well have something to do with it.

ES also had intermittent contact with his paternal GM but completely cut my mother out of his and her only GGC's lives.

As for whether one parent should walk away from the AC whose estranged the other parent, that's a decision that only they can make together but I do wonder if that is the case, how sustainable that can be long term.

Mr. S. and I have kept one another going for the last 13.5 years and neither of us thinks we could have coped without that. One of us remaining in contact was never an option but if it had been, we come as a pair as united we stand and I'm certain that divided we'd have fallen.

Adults should manage their own feelings without needing others to choose sides. Unless objective abuse is involved, I would view the person demanding other members of a family to not speak with another family member as toxic.

If it's demanded yes, but there needs to be an agreement between the parents because that cuts both way doesn't it. Demanding that the person who isn't allowed contact accepts the situation would also IMO be toxic.

An awful dilemma for any couple to have to deal with .

In my case my son didn't just estrange me but all over side of the family. My daughter didn't care as unknown to me they only spoke when we where all together . They hadn't spoke for 5 years due to my daughter in laws jealousy of my daughter.

My brother and nephew were very hurt . My brother was there for my son when his dad died when he was 16 and needed to speak to a man. He was very close to his cousin as there is only 7 months age gap.
My son sent me and my daughter an email. But just blocked the rest of the family .
My brother wanted to go round and sort him out but told him no. He had made his choice .

This was 6 years ago . But I am no longer the mom he knew like he is no longer the son I knew. I still love him but the kind loving son I had for 32 years. We are now strangers . I gave up hope of ever hearing from him 3 years ago and very happy with my decision.

Since my husband died 22 years I don't live my life with what ifs or if onlies. Past is gone I live for the now and future and am happy with my life .

Smileless2012

If it's demanded yes, but there needs to be an agreement between the parents because that cuts both way doesn't it. Demanding that the person who isn't allowed contact accepts the situation would also IMO be toxic.

An awful dilemma for any couple to have to deal with .

“Accepts” what? What does that even mean? No one has the right to control a parent’s relationship with their own child. There is nothing for anyone else to “accept” or “reject” there, unless the estranged spouse is controlling enough to think their spouse needs their approval to have a relationship with their own child. Everyone’s relationship is not going to be the same. Not even between a son/daughter and their set of parents. Unfortunate? Yes. Sad? Absolutely! But thinking someone needs “acceptance” or permission to carry on a relationship with their own child is a toxic, controlling mindset to have.

We don’t own our spouses. We don’t own our adult children. We don’t the connection between them. It is not ours to accept or reject. We don’t have to be happy about it, but our feelings are our own to cope with. The only thing required here is kindness and consideration of the circumstances for all involved.

Oh dear BlessedArt, I simply cannot be bothered to engage with your constant pulling apart of everything I post.

I refuse to be an intermediary. Feelings are high. I can see that were I to put any pressure on the situation that those hurt feelings could then extend to me. Do families overstep by getting involved? Are they estranged because of that?

Smileless2012

Oh dear BlessedArt, I simply cannot be bothered to engage with your constant pulling apart of everything I post.

Engagement is a choice 100% of the time .

You sound as if you're in the middle of whatever's going on InRainbows, an unenviable place to be.

Listen to 'both sides' but when it comes to being asked for advice for to give an opinion, as my wonderful gran would say 'keep your powder dry'.

Families fall out all the time and can make up, but estrangement is another level. I was estranged from my parents for several years, they couldn't get on with my husband and told me, by letter, he wasn't welcome at their house and wouldn't visit me whilst he was there. I took my husband's 'side' although there were issues with behaviour in both. It cost me in years of coolness in my relationship with my sister, I wasnt invited to family occasions. After the birth of my daughter I managed to build a workable relationship with my parents for her sake but it was never the same. Lots was left unspoken. Much hurt was felt by me, it took me many years to cope with what I felt as rejection. One thing I know is that an estrangement can't be undone, is unlikely to be fully repaired and is painful all round. Best avoided if you can talk it through and reach a compromise. That's a tall order though.

You stood by your husband HeyGirl and for me, standing by your husband or wife in a situation like that isn't a matter of taking sides. I'm sorry that your parents put you into that impossible situation and that your relationship with them has never fully recovered .

"Kindness and consideration" absolutely.
"Engagement" as a choice is not always the case, we can be collateral damage and caught in the crossfire.

Sorry for your family troubles Heygirl.

I am impressed you and your husband have managed to allow some semblance of a relationship between your child and her family who shunned you both. Some wounds heal but scars don’t go away, do they?

If you are happier having your family in your life, I am glad you are able to do so now

My parents have both passed now. I
They were good grandparents to my daughter so even if a relationship can't be fully repaired it can be maintained on a different level albeit a more superficial one.

HeyGirl

"Kindness and consideration" absolutely.
"Engagement" as a choice is not always the case, we can be collateral damage and caught in the crossfire.

I was speaking of engagement in the sense of the site, not within the context of familial estrangement .

HeyGirl

My parents have both passed now. I
They were good grandparents to my daughter so even if a relationship can't be fully repaired it can be maintained on a different level albeit a more superficial one.

Sorry for your loss .

I tend to be of the mindset that healthy family relationships, even flawed ones, are better than none. Families aren’t perfect. Relationships aren’t perfect. If there is a way some sense of unity can prevail, it’s a good thing. I am glad your daughter had her grandparents who were good to her.

To go back to the OPs question about maintaining contact with a child when their spouse is estranged, it surely has to be that individuals choice, just as whether to tell their spouse has to be their choice. My Mum didn't contact me at all during our estrangement which was orchestrated by my father. Her friend was put in a similar position and did maintain contact with her daughter without her husband's knowledge. Both are difficult and neither is 'wrong'. Go with your own needs and feelings.

HeyGirl

Families fall out all the time and can make up, but estrangement is another level. I was estranged from my parents for several years, they couldn't get on with my husband and told me, by letter, he wasn't welcome at their house and wouldn't visit me whilst he was there. I took my husband's 'side' although there were issues with behaviour in both. It cost me in years of coolness in my relationship with my sister, I wasnt invited to family occasions. After the birth of my daughter I managed to build a workable relationship with my parents for her sake but it was never the same. Lots was left unspoken. Much hurt was felt by me, it took me many years to cope with what I felt as rejection. One thing I know is that an estrangement can't be undone, is unlikely to be fully repaired and is painful all round. Best avoided if you can talk it through and reach a compromise. That's a tall order though.

Thank you for sharing that. Why did they take a strong dislike of him? Has he been good to you? That sounds very controlling to give you an ultimatum like that.

I think depending on the specific circumstances one choice can absolutely be right or wrong. I don’t believe in blind loyalty in the face of objective wrong. I’ve known of a situation where one parent abused a child, as an adult the child cut the abuser off, and the other parent cut the child off. I will never agree that the parent siding with their abusive spouse and refusing to see their own child was correct. I unapologetically find it a repulsive decision to make.

But the main thing is that if a parent and child wish to be united, not even a spouse should come between that. Makes no difference to me if the spouse is part of the younger or older couple, bio parent or step parent. Parents and their children who want a relationship should be allowed to have one without anyone making them feel guilty for it.

I can’t speak about my birth children and ever being estranged, because it hasn’t happened.

But, for 18 years I put up with my late husband’s birth children bouncing us in and out of estrangement. They agreed he’d been a great dad, but they always wanted us to dance to their financial tune. 🙄

Nope. Wasn’t happening. The day after DHs funeral, I told them exactly what I thought of them. And estranged them for good.

They’re out of my life, thank goodness. 👍🥂. But I tried for years.

I can’t be bothered to deal with whining and abusive adult kids. 🙄

My only sibling, my brother, also upset me so much, I blew him and his family out for good as well. All good.👍. Again, I gave it my best shot.

But, I have no problem with my DD still seeing him etc. I’ve just told her that they’re dead to me, so I don’t want to know anything. That works.👍

But, when you get married, your spouse should be your priority - and I’d never have not stood by my husband’s side with family relationships, any more than he would have me.

But, unhappily, there are too many controlling and coercive younger adults around now. 🤷‍♀️. Probably influenced by social media. 🙄

The slightest thing and they’re all screaming around in victim mode.

Shame really. 🙄

I would put my child before my spouse, I have no idea if that is the norm but I would. I wouldn't walk away from a small child because that is what my spouse wanted so I would not do it when they are adults either. I'm not sure young people are as described there. I think they are better at relationships and working at them if anything than many people my own age.

A small child, no. An adult child - depends on the situation. 🤷‍♀️

It does depend on the situation but the decision would still be mine alone. I am taken aback at how horrified even the thought made me.