How should a family manage an estranged relationship?

Good advice from MissA and agnurse JAN and as MissA has suggested, you might do better starting a new thread on the Relationships forum for example.

JAN1954

One thing you might consider is looking into Al-Anon. This is a program for people who are affected by someone else's drinking. They can offer support, encouragement, and advice on how to cope.

In the meantime, a lot of people would advise building a seperate life, even if you are under the same roof.
Make friends of your own, go out and about without him, amd leave him to his own devices.
Perhaps have a bedroom of your own, decorated to your choice, so its a restful retreat, away from him.

You probably meant to start a new thread, i expect.
You're likely to get more responses if you do, as fhis thread is about estrangemt and tends to be not a widely used one by people who aren't estranged.
It doesn't matter, but people will respond more elsewhere, on, say fhe "chat" or relationships forums.

Are there any ladies who can give me advice regarding an elderly husband who drinks to excess and talks and behaves in an unreasonable manner while drunk. I should explain since retirement he drinks every day starting early afternoon until 7.30ish or so. I feel my life is being wasted by this behaviour. I have been diagnosed with an illness which causes fatigue etc and I feel I simply can't stand this selfish behaviour. It's pointless trying to discuss his behaviour with him as he is one of these people who thinks he is always right. It is all very tiring and to be honest embarrassing. I simply don't know what to do about this at my time of life. Any advice would be appreciated.

As someone who did the estranging, I want the other family to stay out of it on my end. My mother tried to use one of my siblings to get information from me so I had to block him too.

What they say about me or whatever support the wider family gives my mother is not my concern. It only bothers me if it involves me.

No one but EAC actually know what it's like to realize you must cut family off for your own good. It's a selfish decision, no doubt about it. Making that choice to be selfish is really difficult. I knew who the extended family would support so I understood the gravity of the situation.

But you wouldn't know unless you had to do it. I was at a tipping point with my health and my decision has saved me. I didn't have any choices left except this one.

To my family I'm heartless and self-centered, and my mother was a great mother to me that I betrayed for no good reason. But that perception doesn't harm me so I'm not worried about it.

Not right or wrong, different absolutely Norah.

Smileless2012

IMO it's unrealistic to expect those who have been estranged not to talk to other family members about it Norah.

We were frequently asked especially in the beginning if there's been any contact, how we were and how we were coping. After 13.5 years we're no longer asked about contact but are still asked how we are and how we're coping at certain times of the Year. Christmas; birthdays; mothers and fathers day.

Least said soonest mended well after years of estrangement this clearly hasn't been the case for us and for many others.

As for whether or not one parent should continue the relationship with the AC whose estranged the other, that is something only they can decide. It needs to be a joint decision and it needs to be looked at again if the reality is causing problems for the one being excluded which could also undermine their relationship.

Mr. S. and I had that conversation years ago and decided that any reconciliation would have to include both or neither. Without the support we had from one another, I doubt either of us would have come through this. We come as a pair; united we stand and I think that divided we'd have fallen.

My answer to the stated question was my opinion.

When thoughts differ, staying silent serves me well. I'd not be airing my laundry to all and sundry. I'd choose continuing my relationships.

Your opinion is different to mine. Not right or wrong, different.

IMO it's unrealistic to expect those who have been estranged not to talk to other family members about it Norah.

We were frequently asked especially in the beginning if there's been any contact, how we were and how we were coping. After 13.5 years we're no longer asked about contact but are still asked how we are and how we're coping at certain times of the Year. Christmas; birthdays; mothers and fathers day.

Least said soonest mended well after years of estrangement this clearly hasn't been the case for us and for many others.

As for whether or not one parent should continue the relationship with the AC whose estranged the other, that is something only they can decide. It needs to be a joint decision and it needs to be looked at again if the reality is causing problems for the one being excluded which could also undermine their relationship.

Mr. S. and I had that conversation years ago and decided that any reconciliation would have to include both or neither. Without the support we had from one another, I doubt either of us would have come through this. We come as a pair; united we stand and I think that divided we'd have fallen.

Our daughter estranged herself 6 years ago from both of us, with no warning or explanation. She posted all sorts of horrible things about my wife on social media, but nothing about me, because (so I am told) I was her favourite parent, the fun guy, whereas my wife did most of the hard and unappreciated work in managing the house and the family. Which is very unfair, because I've no doubt that my wife was the better parent.

I don't know if she will ever reach out to us, but if she does, it's more likely to be to me. So I've given a lot of thought to what I would do if she wants to reconcile with me but not with my wife. And I've decided I would put my wife first and explain that we are a team, she either reconciles with both of us or neither of us, and if she chooses the latter, well that would be her choice.

Is it acceptable for anyone to expect us to choose a side?

IMO, the person estranged shouldn't talk to any other family member attempting to explain what they did or said as I believe that could only cause problems. Least said soonest mended.

Seems if only one parent is estranged the other should continue their own loving relationship with their child, remaining neutral to whatever estrangement issues their spouse may express.

Estrangement rarely if ever only affects the ones who estrange, and the ones who have been estranged.

It doesn't have to be talked about in any detail for other family members to know the pain that's caused as a result. Siblings for example may struggle with seeing the affect on their parents and they and others may not feel comfortable being in contact for fear of increasing that pain, or because they simply don't agree with what's happening.

There's also the possibility that other family members may not wish to be seen as condoning what's happened if they don't, as Mamasperspective posted earlier, 'call out' what they perceive as mistreatment by the one whose estranged or the one whose been estranged.

stillawipp

Tbh I didn’t know what I wanted during our estrangement - half the time I wanted the whole family to ‘come over to our side’ and thus provide validation for us being estranged, and then the other half of the time my heart broke for my son at the prospect of him being isolated from other family members as well as us! My poor family didn’t know which way was up, I don’t think! Now that we are reconciled, I am so thankful at the ones who have ‘followed our lead’ and reconnected with him too, and as for the ones who haven’t quite got there yet….well I just reason that I am partly to blame for seeking emotional support from them in the first place.

I completely understand your point there. Being a person who is being vented at that does not wish to take sides. It is very hard when there is clear upset and it is also hard to know whose version is the truth. I think it is probably always safer to try and protect family relationships and either talk it through with friends who probably know you the best. I must say that I have always been more likely to talk to friends rather than risk anyone being in the middle. I can't say I could manage that successfully though in such a high emotion situation.

Thank you Smileless2012, that’s very kind of you to say 🙏🏻

I wish we were better equipped to communicate and better understand each other I'm sure that a lot of the pain that estrangement causes would be avoided if we were Plevey.

There's no blame in seeking emotional support when going through a particularly difficult time stillawipp. Maybe those who haven't quite got there yet are still trying to understand and come to terms with what happened. Maybe they'll never get there and if they don't, that will be because of the decisions they make and not because when you needed it, you asked for support and they wanted to give it to you.

Tbh I didn’t know what I wanted during our estrangement - half the time I wanted the whole family to ‘come over to our side’ and thus provide validation for us being estranged, and then the other half of the time my heart broke for my son at the prospect of him being isolated from other family members as well as us! My poor family didn’t know which way was up, I don’t think! Now that we are reconciled, I am so thankful at the ones who have ‘followed our lead’ and reconnected with him too, and as for the ones who haven’t quite got there yet….well I just reason that I am partly to blame for seeking emotional support from them in the first place.

Sometimes it's better to take a step back long before estrangement...as estrangement is so unforgiving and often final. I think we all can allow things to simmer away inside us. Then the big blow up! God I wish we were better equipped to communicate and better understand each other.

It would have struck me as odd too albertina, if it hadn't happened to us.

HeyGirl

Families fall out all the time and can make up, but estrangement is another level. I was estranged from my parents for several years, they couldn't get on with my husband and told me, by letter, he wasn't welcome at their house and wouldn't visit me whilst he was there. I took my husband's 'side' although there were issues with behaviour in both. It cost me in years of coolness in my relationship with my sister, I wasnt invited to family occasions. After the birth of my daughter I managed to build a workable relationship with my parents for her sake but it was never the same. Lots was left unspoken. Much hurt was felt by me, it took me many years to cope with what I felt as rejection. One thing I know is that an estrangement can't be undone, is unlikely to be fully repaired and is painful all round. Best avoided if you can talk it through and reach a compromise. That's a tall order though.

Estrangement CAN be undone

Years ago I met a woman on an IT course who was estranged from her son. It struck me as very odd indeed.

It's only now that I am estranged from my younger daughter that I fully understand how this can happen.

It's painful, but I had had enough and so had her sister.

All you can do is keep the warring parties apart, it's never simple or easy and you may never get resolution dont take sides

That's a good point Mamasperspective. Not calling out horrible behaviour can be viewed as condoning it and allowing it to continue, by the one carrying it out and the one on the receiving end.

There is for some, the fear that if they do 'call it out' that they may also find themselves estranged which I think was the dilemma my m.i.l. faced.

She didn't like the way we and especially her son were being treated but didn't want to be prevented from seeing her GS and GGC.

Mamasperspective

I don't think it's about choosing a side but it is important to call out the horrible behaviour when you see it, otherwise you could be seen as enabling the mistreatment of the one being targeted. It's important to hear both sides and just see both parties as fully functioning grown adults instead of making excuses based on age/past negative life experiences etc. I certainly wouldn't just sit back and say nothing as then you are allowing mistreatment continue, and that's basically choosing a side anyway. The issue is the initial cause of the conflict and that's what needs to be addressed ... so many families prefer to rug sweep and pretend an issue hasn't happened which causes resentment and (I believe) is a major reason why estrangement levels are so high at the moment.

Well, our problem with DHs ACs wasn’t historical grievances etc.

They wanted money, monthly, to prop up a combination of reckless debt, alcohol addiction, and gambling addiction.

We said ‘no’. And then bouncing estrangement started -for 18 years. 🙄

Then we got into the ‘all old people are a burden’ routine. We never once asked them to do a thing.

Luckily, my family are the complete opposite, so we didn’t miss his lot too much.

When he died, they waited expectantly for the inheritance they assumed they’d get.

However, he’d changed his Will. They got nothing.

So, as I say, I hope their unkindness keeps them warm in the Winter. 😉

As a mother estranged, listening to people that estrange their parents because they do not get on is chilling. Perhaps they will have children of their own who will one day follow the pattern and estrange them and wont't know why just that they love them despite a problem unknown. Only then can you judge.

I don't think it's about choosing a side but it is important to call out the horrible behaviour when you see it, otherwise you could be seen as enabling the mistreatment of the one being targeted. It's important to hear both sides and just see both parties as fully functioning grown adults instead of making excuses based on age/past negative life experiences etc. I certainly wouldn't just sit back and say nothing as then you are allowing mistreatment continue, and that's basically choosing a side anyway. The issue is the initial cause of the conflict and that's what needs to be addressed ... so many families prefer to rug sweep and pretend an issue hasn't happened which causes resentment and (I believe) is a major reason why estrangement levels are so high at the moment.