Son has signed out

So sad for you Topnan
Several years ago, I had similar problems, with my middle son, the memories of the ‘names’ he called me, still hurt.
His mother-in-law takes pride in saying she hated her mother. So the vibes around them, are far from good.
Things are ok now, but I dread family get togethers, which happens about 2 or 3 times a year (birthdays etc). He and his sister don’t get on either.
I hardly see them, even though they live just a 10 minute drive away. I would love to see the GC more than I do.
It’s half term hols now, so I asked them to bring the girls over, but oh no - they have lots of plans/activities. So be it.
I am the forgiving type - no point in getting upset.
Take care Topnan and look after yourself

It doesn't help TopNan when you twist in your response what she actually posted stillawipp.

She sent her son a message which said "I still love you. Whenever you're ready". His response was "do not contact me" and then he deleted her from the family group, blocked her number and told neighbours not to let her near the house for family things.

She then tried "one last conciliatory message" before telling him she felt she deserved better.

IMO your's is not an honest view. It is coloured as it so often is by your own situation which saw you successfully reconciled with the son who estranged you.

You didn't successfully end your family's estrangement, you and your son managed this between you because your son wanted to reconcile as much as you did.

Unless the estranging AC wants to reconcile there can be no reconciliation. Please try and remember that not everyone's as fortunate as you have been. Not every EAC seeks reconciliation and unless they do, for many EP's it will never happen.

Yes, Smileless2012, you’re absolutely right, and by the same token not everyone is as unlucky as you, and it is only right that that perspective is allowed to be represented on here too.
I’m not going to argue any of your points with you, incredibly patronising as they are, as it is pointless and won’t help the OP - suffice to say that your own situation has, as always, coloured your view of what I have actually said.
OP, I am merely suggesting that you listen to advice from those who have come through estrangement as well as those who haven’t. If that is not what you want then I will gladly leave you to the others.

Having read OPs response I can see how the relationship may have broken down.

I am now leaning more towards Stillawipp's position in that making statements like 'deserving better,' and 'the sacrifices made' etc are not helpful when trying to initiate a connection.

Adult children don't want to hear these kind of statements from someone who also says they love them. Parental love is unconditional and self-sacrificing in its nature, but when children grow up we have to stop seeing them so much as extensions of our own needs and as mature adults in their own right.

I think OP will find it hard to have worthwhile contact if she insists and getting 'something' back in return.

It is harsh but some self-reflection is called for here. I am not justifying son's behaviour either, or defending him- but it seems the relationship needs a great deal of water to flow under the bridge before there is any chance of improving the situation.

The problem for me with your post @ 13.49 stillawipp is that you twisted what the OP had actually posted.

It is not my personal situation that has coloured my view of what you said, it's your advice not being based on what has happened as your misrepresentation of her post clearly shows.

The OP had and for sometime has been trying to initiate a connection keepingquiet. I agree that parental love is unconditional but having unconditional love means you love someone in spite of what they say or do, it doesn't mean that you should take whatever's thrown at you without ever defending and/or protecting yourself.

All relationships need give and take. No relationship can be based on one giving and the other taking while giving nothing and mature adults usually know this.

The best thing IMO is for TopNan to leave things as they are in the hope that at some point her son will want her in his life and initiate contact.

I think it is sometimes useful to think of the last time you had a disagreement with someone where you were really hurt by it and convinced you were absolutely right and felt that you had been treated really badly ….now imagine that person then turns round & says to you that the way you’ve treated them it’s cruel and they deserve better etc etc…. How would you take that? If the answer is badly, then you know how the other person feels in the current situation

I'm sure a lot of us have had that experience stillawipp, I know I have.

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They estrange to prevent their life being destroyed not always Brueger.

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stillawipp

I think it is sometimes useful to think of the last time you had a disagreement with someone where you were really hurt by it and convinced you were absolutely right and felt that you had been treated really badly ….now imagine that person then turns round & says to you that the way you’ve treated them it’s cruel and they deserve better etc etc…. How would you take that? If the answer is badly, then you know how the other person feels in the current situation

Better happy than insisting you are right, opinion.

Oh yes, I totally agree 👍🏼

Yes, me too, and it really helps to understand how the other person feels.

Oh sorry, I was meaning to reply to Norah & Smileless, but failed dismally!

It can also be extremely convenient to put the onus on the estranged parent Brueger; that doesn't really fix anything in the long run either does it.

TopNan1 I even took the brave route of putting a small message up on his upcoming birthday so he’d know I still love him (I said “I still love you. Whenever you’re ready”). Honest to God I thought that would soften him.
What happened instead has been unbearable. He replied to my birthday message with a single line. “Do not contact me.” Then he deleted me from the family group and blocked my number.
I tried one last conciliatory message since then, and I wrote to him that I was sad and that I deserved a little more kindness after everything I’ve done for him. Someone here said I shouldn't grovel, so I added that “cutting me off feels cruel given what I’ve sacrificed.”

Well done with apology.

Perhaps don't think "kindness after everything I've done and sacrificed" all parents do, parenting is sacrificing, in my opinion.

Wait silently.

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I would like to remind all who refer to ‘the child ‘ that most of those who estrange parents are adults them selves and as such should have the maturity and emotional intelligence to understand that parenting can be hard, mistakes can and are made, but most parents generally try to do their best.
Sadly the statement of ‘not fixing emotionally immature adults especially the older they get’ can equally apply to those adult children as much as their even older parents.
As someone who experienced long term abuse of the worst kind, I am no excuser of parental bad behaviour.

I agree Brueger but those aren't the only reasons why estrangement happens.

Sometimes it's because the AC's spouse/partner takes against the parents and doesn't want there to be any contact. Sometimes it's because the parents can't or wont give them the financial and/or child care support they want.

I agree that there is no fixing emotionally immature adults, especially the older they get but it isn't always the parents who are emotionally immature, sometime it's the AC.

I'm an estranged parent but that doesn't blind me to the terrible lives some EAC have had and when those experiences have been shared here on GN, I've supported them and the decision they made.

EP's should be given the same respect. I am not a blind person leading another blind person. I didn't suggest the OP put the ball in her son's court. I said it's in his court because it is. He's the one whose told her not to contact him, so he's the only one who can now initiate contact if he wants too.

You've judged TopNan's message of I love you as being empty; who are you to judge? You don't know here anymore than you know Whiff who you've accused of being self absorbed.

I suspect that you're an EAC whose projecting your own experience onto strangers on an online forum because you're assuming they must be like your own.

Not all EP's are responsible for their estrangement just because yours are. Not all EAC are responsible for being estranged from their parents just because our son is.

Silverlining .

Brueger you don't know me but I will not be baited by a nasty person like you . As that will give you pleasure ,so happy to disappoint you.

Whiff .

Allsorts

Feel sorry for you Topnani. Your son gave you reasons why he is unhappy with you. Although not true, it's awful being wrongly accused, but it's how he feels. I would send him an email, telling him you love him and sorry he feels let down by you. You were unaware he felt as he does and you both need to talk about it, but you will leave him to fonts at his own pace.
Then try to push it to the back of your mind and keep busy and mix with people whom you can talk and laugh with.

Wise advice ..

Sorry to hear of your woes with your son and hope that in the near future, the two of you can patch up and reunite.

Well said Whiff, dont let the ba...rds grind you down x