Guardian article - i never want you around your grandchild

I’d add ive known many families where grandparents and parents of struggling adult children have been able to readily acknowledge short comings. One I’ll never forget was a caring family but with inter generational failings. They recognised the Magdalen laundries malign contribution

It’s easy to ‘blame abuse’ but it can be more complex

An interesting characteristic of an abusive person is that they very often choose one victim, whether that is any one of the different kinds of abuse. This enables the abuser a much better chance of hiding their behaviour. Many families have been broken by claims of abuse where one child claims to have been sexually or emotionally abused and are not believed due to lack of evidence. Even with the evidence of physical abuse, it can be hard to prove when a whole family stands together against an accusation and asserts that the child is clumsy or must have been hurt elsewhere. Yet it is well known that any abusive person intended to get away with hiding that behaviour, thus making it easier to keep a victim in line and fulfill their needs that most of us would not understand and perhaps not the abusive person themselves. I don't know if any inclination to believe a majority in any situation makes sense when this method of operating is so prevalent.

Thanks luminance. I couldn’t quite put that into words.
I’m that sibling but I also recognise the behaviour of my siblings as they are all being controlled too
The setting up siblings against one another is a thing too. Very common themes

The thing that is not properly acknowledged either in this article or any I have read is that as parents our knowledge and guide lines on parenting were not the same as now! We are being judged and found wanting by this generations standards and that is not equitable as the goal posts have changed radically! Yes I would be a different parent if I had the knowledge and skills that todays parents have but to condemn me because I did not know these things bringing my own kids up? I did the very best I could with the tools I had at the time

The article does talk of different ways of doing things with different generations, quite clearly I thought. The problems arise when families don't evolve with or accept newer ways of doing things it says and I am condensing a chapter severely there.

It was mentioned in passing but the blame was squarely at the parents door in my opinion and it is not just about not changing! I cannot go back and re write my childrens childhood but equally I want it known that AT THE TIME I did my best!

Wouldn't our children believe that if we listen and change with changing times?