Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Ooh, I didn't know you could get covid jabs at a pharmacy. Not seen that in our area whiff. I've made quite a few thing with Ravelry patterns. Thinking of putting some I've written on there, but waiting for my DD to test-knit them first. She'll still be busy settling into the bungalow for a while first though. We keep thinking of starting a crafting blog together but there's always so much else going on we haven't got around to it yet. I'm like you with wanting to be in control and not waiting on other people. The stress is horrible. Thanks for your kind words.

It's so touching to hear all the things you did for your mum yogin x I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. x

Good luck with the concert smiles

Glad you had a nice time with the GC jaffa Poor Marvin!

Yogin your dad like many older carers put your mom first and looked after her at the cost to his own health. My sister in law's dad looked after her mom for 5 years on his own but in the end couldn't. He was 87 when she went into the home . He struggled on like your dad because of love . And I have heard many cases of the spouse carers looking after someone with dementia or Alzheimer's dieing first because they put their loved one first and negligent themselves.

Only when she went into the home my sister in law found out her mom had become violent. She felt guilty because she couldn't help her dad she has MS. Her mom died a couple of months ago.

This may sound awful but I hoped everyday my mom had died in her sleep not because I didn't love her but because my mom had already died and she would have hated what she became.

I think the violence in dementia and Alzheimer's suffers comes from fear. They don't recognise people or their surroundings even if they are in their own home. My mom thought I was her mom . I think they revert back to thinking they are children and want to know why their parents aren't their. But that's only my take on it. Funny mom remembered her dad had died but I became mom . But it made her happy that she thought that. So I became what she needed . Luckily mom had always told stories of her childhood and about her grandparents and aunts and uncles. So when she was violent I talked about those times and she stopped. Never told anyone about that. Only took me since 2017 to be able to say it.

I have tired to bring up the subject with my daughter about what I want if I get dementia or Alzheimer's but she doesn't want to talk about . I understand as it's a very frightening topic. But I don't want her to go through what I did. I would go into a home and told her not to visit as I don't want her to have my memories of my loving gentle mom attacking me. The children don't know what damage she did to my body but fear came make the weakest person very strong . And that's at the heart of dementia and Alzheimer's it's fear.

Your dad was still protecting you not wanting you to look after your mom. As all parents do no matter how old our children get we still want to protect them.

When I went to visit my brother and sister in law. It was lovely because even though I had met her dad many times. We had quality time to talk just the 2 of us. They have a 2 bed bungalow but brought a 5 berth caravan for guests. I couldn't have slept in it and said I would sleep on the sofa but they said no. Glad I wouldn't sleep in it. It was in a field and it would have been pitch black and a mile from their home. It had a loo . But I talked her dad after they left and before they came back. I even told him off . He had a pain in his leg and wouldn't see the GP so me being bossy told him he had to as he was worrying his daughter. He had said went his time comes he doesn't want fight it. But I said he's got years ahead . He's 90 but a very fit 90. I am blunt and told him he was being selfish worrying her. He promised to look after himself and see the GP. I did tell my brother and sister in law I had told him off.

We had talked about our other half dieing and that feeling of losing half of ourselves and not feeling whole. He thanked me as it was good to talk to someone who understood that feeling. Told him all the things I tell people but it's only about how I felt and still feel and my coping mechanisms.

I know I sound very bossy but when I care about people and if I think I can help I just talk about what I have experienced. Never talk about topics I don't know anything about. I don't lie simple fact is I don't remember thinks. At least I now know it's not me being weird all my life but part of the HPX.
Will post this so I don't lose it.

Smiles I will be thinking about you singing your heart out and Mr S sitting there looking very proud.

Jaffa glad you had a good time with your granddaughters and daughter. And got home safely.

Hugs most of the pharmacies here do both flu and Covid jabs. Think they do pneumonia and shingles ones as well.

The 2 men from the Mormon's came to craft group again yesterday. Nice to know we hadn't frightened them off. So we had to be careful what we talked about. One was writing in his journal and the other one started to sketch up a painting he wanted to do . One of the founders of the group gave me a beautiful aran patterned jumper her mom had knitted for a friend's son but it was to small . So thought it would fit my grandson it's big but he will grow into it. But he liked it so did my daughter. My cheese biscuits and cherry and chocolate ones all went.

Went to my daughter's after group. Took a while before the little one realised I was there he was having a snack then he came running . Had fun playing with playdough. My daughter had got a brand new playdough kitchen set for pound out of a charity shop and the eldest had kept it until I could play with him with it. Good job it can with assembly instructions. His teacher had lovely things to say about him at parents evening and showed my daughter he's work. Wednesday he had PE for the first time. Had a lovely dinner followed by chocolate cake yum. Then bath time. The little one wanted me to wash his hair while his mom did his brother. But stupid nannie got some shampoo in his eye luckily it was no tears sort soon got it out. Both have always loved the hair dryer since small babies. Good job as they follow our side of the family and have thick hair. Had an early Christmas present a count down to Christmas cross stitch kit. Itching to get started.

They all loved the knitted Halloween things I had from one of the crafter's. And put on them on display.

Well thing I have rambled far to much as usual. Take care all .

Thank you Hugs xx

Whiff my mum was very sweet & gentle as she was before dementia. My DD says to me 'she will watch if I get Dementia [God forbid] and then at that age top herself' I know my mum would have preferred to die than live with Dementia but once you are diagnosed, even in the very early stages, it's too late, your mind has already gone beyond helping yourself. My mum was about 80 when she had a stroke causing vascular dementia & she was 86yrs when she died. But she seemed happy.

Just started reading a novel on estrangement. Only read a couple of chapters, takes me a while to finish a book as I only read before going to sleep twice or three times per week after my evening classes.

Many similarities in the book already. She does yoga twice per week, she swims most days & twice per week in the sea. She is coming up to her 90th birthday and has been estranged from her D for 30yrs! She has her granddaughter & grtGD very much in her life & they are organising a surprise b/party for her. By a strange quirk she finds out where her estranged D lives and as it's only about 80miles away [she thought she was either living abroad or died] she now cannot get it out of her head to try to reunite with her long-lost D!

Also, her H & his sister now live in a care home a walk away, he is mentally fine, but she has dementia and surprises everyone with her perfect singing. So, another similarity!

Sounds as if you had a lovely time with your D and the children Jaffa, who sound lovely. I hope they and Marvin weren't too upset when he lost a leg.

Good that the wedding wasn't mentioned and you are feeling more relaxed. Now you can just look forward to a lovely day.

We're fully jabbed now. Mr. S. had his flu jab on Tuesday bit I had to wait until yesterday because I'm under 65 and apparently there's a different dose for the under 65's as, according to the pharmacist, the body 'performs better'.

You can imagine the fun I've had teasing Mr. S, about that one can't you. I'd be surprised you can't get the flu vaccine from a pharmacy in your area hugs, may be an idea to go on line or 'phone around.

I think you're right about aggression and/or violence from people with dementia or Alziehmer's coming from fear Whiff. We were very lucky that my step dad remained sweet and loving despite dementia.

Glad you hadn't scared your groups Mormon visitors away. Maybe the prospect of enjoying more of your fabulous baking was too much to resist. The jumper sounds lovely, and her mum will have been pleased all her work wasn't in vain and it will be put to good use.

My step dad's dementia was vascular Yogin. He had a heart attack and was only in his mid 70's when he died.

Feeling a bit nervous about tonight's concert. There's a lot to get through including a selection of Andrew Lloyd Webber with extracts from Jesus Christ Super Star, Evita, Cats and Phantom of the Opera.

One thing's for sure, we'll all be pretty exhausted when we get to the end.

Best of luck with your concert tonight Smiles I adore Phantom of the Opera! Just enjoy it all and don't worry about going wrong, just carry on & no one will notice. for after your performance.

Morning everyone. Thank you Yogin for your post yesterday, it gave me the additional confidence that I needed.

The concert went very well, our best one yet according to
Mr. S. and our choir master who asked me if I was still enjoying it as I only joined a year ago. He said I had a beautiful voice and was a real asset to the choir. I was blown away and said he'd no idea how much that meant.

He's really boosted my confidence and gave me the confidence to tell him I struggle with a 'top g' which is something that's been worrying me. He just smiled and said 'a lot of people do'.

So I've talked it over with Mr. S. and am looking into private singing lessons in the new year, to strengthen and extend my range. Apparently it's possible to increase one's range by an octave with the correct tuition and I need to increase mine by half an octave so am hopeful, and looking forward to the challenge.

So that's my new year's resolution sorted.

Smiles glad your concert went well. And lovely praise by the choir master. Singing lessons will be fun something to look forward to. I love to sing unfortunately I have a voice which would curdle milk. But as I only do it at home no one hears me ?.

What a fab thing to look forward to smiles. It's such a confidence boost to learn new things.

We should set up a choir, and a sideline selling curds and whey whiff.

That’s a hood aim Smiles, singing brings and gives such pleasure.
What is the name if the book Yoga, I would like to read it. An awful thought being estranged from your daughter for 30 years, how sad.
Alzheimer’s robs you of that person, I can quite understand how difficult and lonely carers feel. If it was me, I wouldn’t want anyone giving up their life for me, hope I would have courage to do something or go in a home.

More on the house move - Another email from our seller's solicitor, reiterating that the end of Oct is a firm deadline. Clearly we cannot meet this - we would have to exchange contracts tomorrow and the bottom of the chain has yet to conclude their legals. Looks like we actually need to start hunting for an alternative.

Hugshelp, I cannot see how your seller pulling out would be of any benefit to him, he has to find someone else, perhaps they are just putting the pressure on. It all sounds a bit of a nightmare and I can understand how DS wants to rent, get one process out of the way. I think thats what I will end up doing.
Jaffa glad you had such a lovely time with your grandchildren and daughter.
Whiff, all the best for today.
Been reading a lot about adults that estrange, it seems that only a tiny percent want to reconnect with their mothers, daughters least likely to due to mismatched expectations.
Yoga, how good your parents had you.

Thank you Allsorts re my parents. Funny I wasn't the favourite child; in fact, I don't think my dad liked me. My brother had 2 boys, but my mum tells the tale how when they were born my mum wasn't given the baby to hold, her first GC and this really upset her, they saw more of her mum. I had my first child when I lived in Africa, but then when she was approaching her 2nd birthday we came back as I wanted her to be brought up with her nannies & granddads and aunties etc. I had my son in the UK but we left for Holland when he was 1yr. and lived there for 7yrs where I had my youngest [now estranged, I delivered her myself!] When we returned to UK after divorce, I moved near my m&d and we were very close then as they adored my C. They had many happy holidays with us in Holland and we would stay with them for a family holiday in the UK. So, because of the C/GC we were then the closest.

So, my above post going back to what we spoke of before, where I was the one that stepped up and looked after my m&d in their old age as opposed to the favourite child. My sister didn't have children. And I care for my m&d's resting place in the garden of remembrance, whereas my brother & sister almost never visit. I do think if they are looking down, they would say well, would you have thought it would be D that stepped up and looked after us in our old age and tended our final resting place! Often the way.

So we finally got to the bottom of the house problems. Seems the sellers are splitting up and buying two properties - which they didn't say - and basically we're dealing with two people at odds with each other and trying to put pressure on because they want out. We've had some sensible discussions via their EA and we're back to wait and see without them making daily attempts to force things forward. Hopefully.

It's sad when you know you're the unfavourite child Yogin. My mum used to say that I was my dad's (and she hated him) and my sister was hers - though we both lived with her.
Wow you've had some adventures, both in the travels and in delivering your own baby.

Hugs glad you got to the bottom of why your sellers where pushing so hard. But they can push all they like it won't get things done any quicker. In this day and age everything is on computer so things should be done quicker as it a matter of pushing a few buttons but it's not. Even your deeds to your new property are stored at the land registry all you get is a piece of paper staying the deeds are registered and a reference number you no longer get all the deeds in paper formate going back to when it was first built.

Yogin you have been a globe trotter. Wow delivering your own baby. Both my where emergency c section. My son should have been elective but went into labour at 36.5 weeks.

Allsorts only read one book about estranged it was recommended on one of these support threads think both Smiles and Yogin said how good it was . At least it was written by someone who was estranged herself. Sharon A Wildey Abandoned Parents: The Devil's Dilemma. Very good book at least she knows what it feels like and lots of stories from other parents an easy read.

Spoke to my GP had booked the phone appointment 2 weeks ago. Woke Sunday morning in a pain flare can't ever remember waking in a flare they usually just appear during the day. At least the pain is dieing down to it's normal levels now hopefully tomorrow it will be back to the level I tolerate. She had the report on my 24 hr ECG while it noted all the missed heart beats was surprised I have extra beats as well but it's all due to the PAF and nothing to worry about. Not that I was . I don't worry about things I have no control over. She's added cholesterol test to the renal retest tomorrow. It's been that long since I had a cholesterol test didn't realise you don't have to fast 12 hours before having it done. So at least I can still have my breakfast before going out. Got my Covid jab straight afterwards at the pharmacy which is on the opposite corner to my GPs. I asked about seeing my neurologist again and as I am still under his care I needed to phone his secretary. Which I did straight after talking to my GP.

Back in April my neurologist said he wanted me in for a day to run some tests but needed to come off the Clonazepam for 24 hrs before it. Which I agreed to. Mentioned it to his secretary so she was putting it in the request letter to him. As he may want to test and answer my questions all in one visit. It will be easier to get a referral to the pain clinic if he can't help me and also referral to physio to help with my problems with my left leg and my balance problems.

Thursday on the way to my daughter's walked into an ivy bush, fence and brick wall all walking down the same road. I look at my feet while walking and try and keep walking in a straight line but some how veer off but as far as I am concerned I am walking in straight line. Luckily I know it's part of the HPX as others with it do the same. We all have a strange walking gait which makes me laugh. I always think of the John Cleese and the ministry for silly walks.

Had the little one on Saturday morning while his brother had his swimming lesson. And then short playtime and snack here before gymnastics. My son in law had been abroad working and got back on Saturday . At least he has this week off .

Made lemon and Orange marmalade yesterday. It's always a 2 day job. But I do an easy way. After cooking the fruit leave them overnight them just cut them roughly remove the pips and using a hand blender and pint of cooking water blitz the whole fruit. Gave up cutting zest into strips years ago as it took me hours and was exhausting. But my marmalade still tastes great . Once everything comes to the boil just a matter of sitting reading and giving it a stir every 10 mins for 20-25 mins them test for set. I won't let pain and my body stop me doing what I want. Ok it does sometimes which annoys the hell out of me. But I have lived with pain all my life . Just extra limb problems the last 34 years. At least the last 2.5 years I don't have the jerks and siezures anymore thanks to my neurologist.

Hope you are all well and have plenty to do today . Only 9 weeks until Christmas and we alter the clocks this weekend.

Partial solar eclipse this morning between 10-12!

Allsorts That book is called 'Love untold' by Ruth Jones. Another 2 Parallels; they mention the club I work in [different area] and that they suspect the grtGD has dyslexia, which my son has! So many 'sames' in the small amount I've read.
Two more really good books; 'Leota's garden' by Francine Rivers and 'Twilight child' by Warren Adler. Both heart breaking stories!

You're right Whiff things should be quicker now everything is computerised but it neve seems to work that way. The house we're selling is very old and we have a huge fat deed pack to leave the new owner - just for interest really because there's lots of house history in it. Oh, Whiff, you're a star laughing off all the trials and tribulations of your health problems but I do hope they can help you with the pain. The marmalade sounds fab.

Been to our daughter's today. They are having the doors widened for wheelchair access - 5 - and 2 need new lintels. The bungalow is in chaos. In the middle of it all, they discovered the garage - which they use for storage had leaked and everything was going mouldy. So we went over to sort, salvage, and clear out the best we could while the builders worked away.

Morning all. Catching up with your posts. My dearest friend is here at the moment so we've been out an about every day since Sunday morning.

Well, they may be desperate to get the sale through hugs but it should be obvious that if they pull out now, they'll have to start all over again.

Oh Whiff, hope you're OK. You do seem to be having a run of bad luck with the pain flare ups. You're such an inspiration with your fabulous sense of humour; ministry for silly walks .

Your marmalade sounds delicious, what with your baking, cooking and fresh veg you could open your own little shop.

Might give that book a go Yogin; haven't read anything on estrangement for years now. I think it's often the case that the AC parents assume will be the one whose there for them as they age, doesn't live up to expectations. It's a funny old world isn't it.

That's interesting about estranged D's Allsorts, but the fact that only a tiny percentage of all EAC want to reconnect doesn't surprise me.

It's going to be mild today, so a good day for gadding about.

Hugs I hope your daughter has got ramps to get in and out of her bungalow. I know someone who had her doorways widen for her wheelchair but no ramps where put so she could get outside mind you it was done by her council. I image like me she has paid for all the work herself.

When I first moved here I knew the first building work was a new garage roof as it was badly bowed and leaked. I was amazed how much cheaper building costs where here than in the West Midlands. Quality of workmanship is excellent so is the after care.

It's a lot of mess for your daughter but it will all be worth it . She sounds like me whatever life throws at you get on with it and make the world to suit what you can do. Bet she has a lot of short cuts to doing things .

My husband was brilliant as soon as my health got worse it didn't faze him one bit and worked out what would make our life easier and the children had a normal childhood. Still work out how to do what I want . Yesterday was a good example. I had a small pumpkin in my Oddbox but couldn't peel or cut it into pieces. So decided to roast it. But needed to cut the top off to get seeds out. With the use of a very sharp bread knife made a small cut then used the handle of my dinner knives as a hammer and bashed both ends of the knife through took quite a few bashes but did it. Then used my old-fashioned peeler to cut out a circle to get seeds out. Once cooked scooped out flesh and froze it .

I am no different to anyone with health problems if we didn't laugh off what our bodies stop us from doing we wouldn't do anything. Your daughter may feel as I do it annoys the hell out of me when I could do something a few months ago but can't do it now. Can't cut up hard veg so they are cooked whole if in a stew cut up with scissors or blitz with my stick blender if in a soup.

Most of my craft group has body or mental health problems we all have tricks to make life easier. Funny until we joined it and got talking we realised that. Had a clear out of cupboards this week and found 8 100g balls of wool left over from when I made my cushion covers using canvas my daughter didn't want any so took it to group they soon went. Any things no one wants it's just put in the middle of the table and we help ourselves.

Only reaction I had from my Covid jab was a headache for few hours and felt tired . Not even a sore arm. The pharmacy was very busy and was booked solid all week with Covid and flu jabs. They got through us quickly .

Yogin I missed the partial eclipsed as it was over cast . Did you see it ? Remember years ago we where in Ireland when there was a full eclipse but watched it in TV as it was so cloudy couldn't see it. Remember it went very cold and silent no bird song. Can't remember what year but had to be before our daughter was 16 as she stopped holidaying with once 16 we said she could and went with friends instead.

Smiles glad you are having a wonderful time with your friend. Hopefully I will met up with my dearest friend next month in Chester. Last time we planned a met up I had my PIP assessment and had to cancel. Then they went on holiday and been having work done on their home.

Chester is a hour away from each of our homes via train. Last time I went there was with my daughter and grandson in December 2019. All the Christmas market was there and discovered Seasalt and how much I love there clothes. Only buy in there sales as they are expensive.

Hope everyone else is doing ok . Don't forget we alter the clocks tomorrow we lose a hour . I always remember its spring back( March) and (October) fall forward.

Glad your having such a good time Smileless, so much to catch up on. Whiff will you be going to the Chester Market when you meet your friend? It’s supposed to be very good.
Hope everyone all well and happy.

Whiff you've got it the wrong way round; it's spring forward, jump back for Autum, so we gain an hour. No, I didn't see the eclipse, I was looking through the trees in my garden, as you can't look directly & then in the park but must have missed it!

Yogin good job you told me I would have done it wrong ?????. Did that years ago good job I didn't have to go out that day.

Allsorts yes hopefully. It was lovely s all the stalls where wooden huts so the traders could have heating and electricity. I remember it was bitter cold when I went in 2019. Had lunch at a lovely Italian restaurant. My daughter drove there is a large free disabled car park in the centre for blue badge holders.

Lovely to hear you've got your good friend visiting smiles. Always a joy.
Our daughter had to pay for the internal work whiff or wait forever for a 'maybe' but they are looking at doing the ramps for her. Though we don't know when. She can get in and out with help atm, just not alone. Most of the work's done now and we're going over tomorrow to start the cleanup, share fish and chips, and watch Hocus pocus 2. Looking forward to all that. I'm glad you work out how to do what you want. It's taken me a while to adapt to failing sight and other health issues but usually where there's a will there's a way. Like you I'm damned if I'll be beaten if I can help it. Glad your jab went well. Thanks for the reminder about the clocks.

Was my writing group Halloween open Mic night tonight. We all dress up and take turns reading spooky stories over zoom. There was a quiz and a best costume competition too. It was really good fun.

Right, best get some sleep, lots to do tomorrow. Have a good one all. x