Conundrum regrding friendship.

I try to keep my conversations to general topics like the garden, any hobbies, what they have read, or how their craft group is, or their pet. Most people I know just like to talk about themselves, their grandchildren, their ailments. If I say anything about my life, like my car broke down, or the water tank has packed up, you can see them glaze over and change the subject.

My favourite friend is an old schoolfriend. She is very private and prefers to talk about politics books and local news. Rarely anything personal.

SpinDriftCoastal

I try to keep my conversations to general topics like the garden, any hobbies, what they have read, or how their craft group is, or their pet. Most people I know just like to talk about themselves, their grandchildren, their ailments. If I say anything about my life, like my car broke down, or the water tank has packed up, you can see them glaze over and change the subject.

Oh yes. The lost art of listening.

Is it a conundrum , or just consideration for others and common sense which I would hope we have acquired by our (mostly) advanced years!

It is indeed common sense not to be continually banging on about yourself and negative things.

But there is also such a thing as toxic positivity.

BrandyGran

My daughter doesn’t take “I’m ok thx” as an answer to “How are you”?
She follows up with “How are you really”? and listens.

What a lovely daughter you have x

Desdemona

BrandyGran

My daughter doesn’t take “I’m ok thx” as an answer to “How are you”?
She follows up with “How are you really”? and listens.

What a lovely daughter you have x

Lucky person to have this.

You dont have to decide between 2 extremes, OP- just be kind, judge the mood of the moment, put the other person's feelings first, be sensitive to their needs- a handhold, a mood lift, a sympathetic smile.
It's not hard

greyfur16

It is indeed common sense not to be continually banging on about yourself and negative things.

But there is also such a thing as toxic positivity.

Yes, I agree about the toxic positivity. I know a lady who will turn even the most depressing outcome into something positive. My rain coat has a tear in it - she will say: Look on the bright side, you can buy a new one.

She could just as easily still be upbeat and say «Never mind, I could help you mend it. In the meantime would you like to borrow an umbrella?
That is if anybody could seriously be depressed by something as trivial as a tear in a raincoat.

Why should we adopt a 'bright and breezy' attitude when we are going through horrible stuff? So that we don't make other people feel bad?

I don’t get it.
Where does being considerate and sympathetic translate into bright and breezy?
A smile can show care and compassion and there will also be times when another person will welcome lifting their mood.
Any thoughtful caring person should be able to judge this- it’s not a binary weeping on your shoulder/moaning about your own problems and cheerful chappie persona choice is it?
How can we have reached the years of discretion without knowing any of this?

to have a friend you have to be friendly

"Friendly" is key.
You don't always need to be mindlessly happy.

I think perhaps we are moving towards a world where things are binary. Also I think post Covid relationships and friendships have changed. Society is changing at break neck speed.

I show a great deal of compassion I hope. I take on what my DH calls 'lame ducks'. I think when you have been through many horrible times your empathy levels are higher. Apart from my family and GN, no one knows what I have been through. I wouldn't dream of not smiling and being upbeat. Some people's problems seem very trivial to me but not to them. It's all relative.

I wouldn't dream of not smiling and being upbeat

interesting.

greyfur16

*I wouldn't dream of not smiling and being upbeat*

interesting.

Why?

I believe it is important to be authentic, not putting on a façade and wearing a mask to please others. So, among my friends we do talk about personal issues not just make polite conversations.

When I was working, I worked in a male dominated industry. A number of my male colleagues told me their personal family problems in confidence.