Conundrum regrding friendship.

I would only reveal such feelings to a long trusted friend. As you say most people want positive friendship but long term friends can be trusted to listen and understand your worries etc as I hope I would.

How are you *Luckygirl3"? - "Oh, not so bad. thanks."

Complete lie of course, but I can't be grinding on about my life's challenges all the time ....... I would bore myself, let alone anyone else!

I was brought up to say "fine thanks" if asked how I was (even if my leg was falling off!)

I actually think any decent friend should listen to all things, good and bad, grumpy or joyous.

It all sounds a bit “stepford” wives just to always be positive.

Part of friendship is the ability to listen to your friends have a rant, be a shoulder to cry on and then to cheer each up and on!

That’s what’s happens in my very small friendship group and then we all laugh!

It takes time to share, if you first meet someone and all they talk about is negatives it hard to want to meet up again, we all have problems and getting out for a friendly chat cup of coffee etc to forget or a time away from our probs, dosnt help if all you hear is hospital appointments ,,doctors results, these things get shared over time when you know the person well and have made a good friendship, good friendship takes time.

A good friend is a good listener, but not all the time.
Everybody needs to pour out their woes at times in their life, to have them received sympathetically and non-judgementally, because it helps the sufferer make sense of what is happening.
That is different from those who spend every coffee meet-up detailing their many and varied ailments, in one case totally imaginary, the failures of their doctors and the side effects of their medication,- not pleasant when you are eating.

Have stopped saying how things are for me right now, I generally fake it and say we’re fine, otherwise it is just too miserable, and when I am with friends, though most dropped off when my DH had a stroke, I much prefer to talk about anything other than me.
Some good neighbours know better as do my amazing close family. So I do have someone to vent to, but in general I think friends don’t want to keep hearing how bad things are for a member of their group.

eazybee 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 good advice

eazybee

A good friend is a good listener, but not all the time.
Everybody needs to pour out their woes at times in their life, to have them received sympathetically and non-judgementally, because it helps the sufferer make sense of what is happening.
That is different from those who spend every coffee meet-up detailing their many and varied ailments, in one case totally imaginary, the failures of their doctors and the side effects of their medication,- not pleasant when you are eating.

That sounds awful!

Eazybee I mean the ones in the group comments constantly about their “ailments”.

I think, when in a group, it is best to be chatty and upbeat. My comments earlier are more about a 1-2-1 meet-up or phone call

I must admit I do get tired of people talking non stop about their health. After my son died a friend talked nonstop for two hours about her ailments. I do wonder whether it annoys me as I was a nurse in a previous life!

If it’s a good, trusted friend I would talk about my worries and expect her to feel able to do the same. I wouldn’t want it to dominate our whole time together though unless the friend is really troubled. Then they could take as long as they need and vice versa. Casual friends/groups - I might just reply ‘oh the usual ‘ and then prefer to chat about lighter stuff.

Cressy

If it’s a good, trusted friend I would talk about my worries and expect her to feel able to do the same. I wouldn’t want it to dominate our whole time together though unless the friend is really troubled. Then they could take as long as they need and vice versa. Casual friends/groups - I might just reply ‘oh the usual ‘ and then prefer to chat about lighter stuff.

Yes!

Being bright and breezy is a way of 'repelling all boarders, when you do not want to talk to them about a specific subject.

eazybee

A good friend is a good listener, but not all the time.
Everybody needs to pour out their woes at times in their life, to have them received sympathetically and non-judgementally, because it helps the sufferer make sense of what is happening.
That is different from those who spend every coffee meet-up detailing their many and varied ailments, in one case totally imaginary, the failures of their doctors and the side effects of their medication,- not pleasant when you are eating.

I have a friend like the one in your last paragraph. It can and has been weary. I get to hear of her ailments and I have to hear about anyone else’s that she knows, so there is no way now that I am going to share anything serious about me. Not only that if you share something that has been joyous in your life she tries to make something miserable or judgemental from it.

Difficult to answer really. My best friend of over 10 years are honest and comfortable with each other but sometimes we recognise the other person is going through a difficult time and dont want to talk about something at that particular moment so I would deflect and use humour and likewise she will do the same with me. Its important to listen and empathise the most in a friendship.

You put the other person first.The last thing people want to hear is how you actually are especially in detail!
A true friend will listen when you need her, just as you would do but as my MIL used to say after FIL died, “nobody likes a moaning Minnie “
You can be positive and considerate without being bright and breezy 100% of the time, but that said, there are friends who can suck any positivity out of you and whose company you come to dread.

Naebody'll want you if you're aye greetin

Possibly?

Fartooold

I must admit I do get tired of people talking non stop about their health. After my son died a friend talked nonstop for two hours about her ailments. I do wonder whether it annoys me as I was a nurse in a previous life!

No, I think that shows such a lack of empathy and compassion!

If it’s a very close friend I would talk about my feelings etc to you more casual friends it would be a ‘fine thanks’ or a ‘not too bad, cheers for asking’

I think it all depends on who your friends are. The more casual acquaintances that you might see, for example once a week at a coffee group or fitness class, you might have a more general relationship with and not divulge much other than general pleasantries and chit chat; whereas with long term friends, the relationship is likely to be different and discussions might cover a host of things both positive things and less positive.

I think the important thing is balance, so that the conversation is not all about ill health or all about you. Listening as well as sharing is the making of good friendships.