How to tell a six year old about death

I was only six when my father died amd I remember asking why we hadn't visited him and that's when she told me he had died. I think your grand-daughter might ask the same question.

I think how you tell a child depends very much on their understanding and their relationship with the deceased.

What may help is a wonderful book for bereaved children called “The Invisible String” you can read it now and in the future, it explains how we remain connected to someone during life and after death.

It is beautifully illustrated and written, it is available on Amazon.

I think how you tell a child depends very much on their understanding and their relationship with the deceased.

Yes. And also how much they really want to know?

I know a 5 year old who wanted all details[told in a child way of course].
But doubt that is true of all 5 year olds.

When my mother was in the hospice all her three great grandchildren visited her. They were aged from 2 up to 8.

We just said that she was very ill and would die soon. We emphasised she wasn’t in any pain, loved them very much.

They seemed to accept this, and can remember her with love and laughter.

It helps if children have pets and experience death to a lesser degree. They are often very matter of fact about it. An excellent book for a six year old is Goodbye Mog.

It’s never easy but there’s good advice on this website.

childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk/

I worked as a child counsellor for Cruse the bereavement charity. They have an excellent range of books to buy which explains death to children of all ages.

Very important for children to go to the funeral no matter what age. I never met a child who said they wished they hadn’t gone but hundreds who said they wished they had but weren’t allowed to by the adults of the family.

Children understand much more than you think. They are very intuitive and philosophical about death and need simple explanations and adults need to say died and not gone to sleep ( children are literal this can cause huge sleep problems) or gone on a journey ( I have known adults say the person has gone on holiday ) Adults need to emphasise it is forever, that its not the child’s fault and they are not abandoned . Also not “passed away” what on earth does that mean to a child!

A familiar adult at the funeral to help them understand what is happening and normalise death and then they can feel included and not frightened. Tell them about the coffin in advance .

I hope this helps you are welcome to pm me

You need The Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson. We always talked to little ones about death in terms of the people live on in your memory and in your heart and what you do. Our grand children were always asking about it because they had a great grandmother and were also aware that her husband was dead. I used to talk about what he had taught me eg music, politics, giving to charity. I was five when my favourite uncle died and I knew exactly what it meant. If it helps talk about them being up in heaven and looking down. Just don’t talk about them falling asleep.

Sorry - we also used to talk about people being very old and their bodies just wearing out. In the end they were all teenagers before they had to deal with the death of a grandmother and great grandmother as were my own children.

I told my children that Papa had died and we would never see him again. But that all the love he had given them was now a part of them and would stay with them forever.
They were at the funeral and tend his grave.
They are country children so animals dying was something familiar to them.
There are, as others have said, some very good books around.

I wasn't allowed to go to my granddad's funeral as a 12 yr old, and so was in my thirties at my first funeral. I took both my kids (7 & 13) to the cremation of my aged great aunt, who they knew and liked, but from a distance. We had good conversations in the car on the way back, interspersed with silence. The following year, a 14 yr old friend died of cancer. As a teacher, I'd seen the devastating effect a teenage death had on their siblings, friends and even kids who barely recognised the one who'd died. Many of the friends at that lad's funeral could not cope.

Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson is worth a look.

Careful how you explain .
As my family are Christian we've always said that someone has gone to a happy place heaven .
Then I was told that it wasn't a satisfactory explanation for children .
When a Grandpa died and one of my children wanted to know exactly why .
I explained about strokes.
A teacher rushed up to me at his school to say that she was so sorry to hear about his dreadful accident and how everything was awash with blood .
I resumed the heaven explanation after that

I don't think it's necessary to be religious to tell a young child that someone they love or a beloved pet has gone to Heaven. We could all look up to the stars on a clear night and imagine Heaven as a concept.

When her other Grandad died, our granddaughter was younger than six but was very matter-of-fact about it, telling me he was in Heaven, looking after their cat.

JenniRen our 7yr old GS was rather matter of fact and told us that my mum was now looking after his bunny who had died a couple of years previous.

Two of my grandkids had their daddy die when they were 4 and 6 My daughter got a lot of help in how to handle it from Winston’s wish this has now amalgamated with Children's Bereavement UK but I m sure the help will still be the same
There were little booklets and lots of ideas of ways to deal with it from, going to the funeral, and how to answer questions there was also a helpline with very helpful staff

A funny story …when soon afterwards they were flying to stay with me we were up above the clouds and my little grandson said in a loud voice ‘Mummy can we visit Daddy in heaven’ a man in the row in front in an equally loud voice said “I blxxdy hope not”
They are now 26 and 23 very rounded young people in excellent careers, both very good runners like their Daddy was.

My mother-in-law died at Christmas.
All the great grandchildren wanted to know the details.

My own children were very young when my parents died and actually said "goodbye" to my mother because we were at home with her and she died at dawn. They were up before the local GP arrived.

Nobody was alarmed or anxious and one said something like "granny's body wasn't working anymore" so she had to die because it was very old.

I think they are quite matter of fact really.
The real sadness is ours.
😕

How you tell small children what death is, when it occurs, depends very largely on what you as a family believe.

If you believe that this life is all there is and that one day it simply stops, then that is what, if you are to be truthful, is what you have to say. And naturally, you will be truthful.

If you believe in a religion that teaches of an after-life, then the task is, to me at least, slightly easier: Granny is ill, old and tired, and sadly the doctors are not able to cure her. So God has taken her to Heaven to be with him, and there she will be well.

At six, a child will be too young, as like as not, to comprehend if you start offering alternative points of view, along the lines of some people think we just fall asleep and never wake up again, others that we go to Heaven - this sort of thing can only confuse a little one.

Whatever you do, don't use euphemisms, like "gone away" the logical child will ask "When will she come back?" or "where to?"

I have found it important that the adults in the family are in agreement as to what to say, and stick to it, and don't let themselves be caught out saying different or contradicting things.

What you say, and how depends very much on the child you are talking to.

I am sorry you are faced with this difficult sad task.

Very important for children to go to the funeral no matter what age. I never met a child who said they wished they hadn’t gone but hundreds who said they wished they had but weren’t allowed to by the adults of the family.

This was true in our family, TwiceAsNice. I was actually present when my own grandmother died - she just quietly slipped off her dining chair. I remember it quite clearly.
I was not allowed to go to the funeral but did go to the reception afterwards. I felt cheated and resentful about it. I was 6 I think.

All our children and grandchildren have been to family funerals. My youngest son was adamant that you must at least offer children this.

Not intending to make light of death my daughter who has Down Syndrome was 8 when my father died. We were very honest and explained about death. We all went to the crematorium and as we walked in she said in a very loud voice
“What’s in the box?” My father would have thought it hilarious.
I obviously had not explained properly.

As honestly and openly as you possibly can, according to the individual child’s age and maturity.

I once worked with as a temp for a company where a senior managers wife has just died, he had just one child, a 6 year old, he hadn’t been told his mum had died, nor where she’d gone, as a result he wasn’t allowed to attend any part of the funeral and never had any kind of closure or help with any future grief.

Never ever lie to a child, they will find out and they will be angry.