Towards More Picturesque Speech

Another Birmingham expression: "they've got a face as long as Livery Street" said to describe a miserable person.
And another, although this may not have been in general usage: "she's very backaRackhams" to describe a somewhat common lady!

Aveline, fiorintina51 My mum used to say "Going round the Wrekin to get to Worcestershire"

If dark clouds were threatening rain my mother would say "It's a bit black over Bill's mother's". When discussing people's
oddities she would say "All the world's queer except thee and me, and even tha's a little bit queer".

When annoyed - that is rippin' my knittin'. On being impatient - their a@#e is making buttons, both of these I use all the time

When my wife worked as a dinner lady in a primary school, the Headmaster once told me that she is always surrounded by ‘a crinoline of small Children’ I think that is lovely and sums up my wonderfully motherly, not very tall but gorgeously cuddly, wife beautifully.

When seeing a gorgeous woman, my dad used to say “ I could sup a pint of her bath water” 😱
Another was “he’s elevenpence ha’penny short of a Bob”

If my MIL's nagging got too much for FIL he used to say "Can you stop pecking my head, duck"

Duck was his affectionate name for her but the mental image of a duck pecking his head used to make me smile.

My grandmother used an older version of "Fur coat and no knickers". Her version was "Red hat and no drawers". Another favourite of hers was "If you were me and I were thee what a sensible place the world would be".

He's lost his appetite and found a horse's.

I'd sooner feed him for a week than a fortnight.

My colleague was annoyed when some noisy teenagers came into the library. She told them "They can hear your noise over two fields. Sheffield and Huddersfield."

The only time I ever ever heard my very posh and proper twin set and pearls granny slip was when someone had upset her and she said “who’s pissed on his chips then?”

When I was going out on a date my mum would say. “Mind you keep your hand on your ha,penny “.

My lovely West Country mum always said I looked like the wreck of the ‘Esperus when I came home from school. It was years before I realised ‘Esperus started with an H …

My mum used to say someone was as 'black as Newgate's knocker' - as well as several already mentioned. She also came out with, 'you mean the one with a face like a slapped arse?' for anyone she considered po faced, or, 'her mouth's like a hens' arse' if someone was looking down their nose at someone else.
She'd be locked up for hate speech nowadays.

Hollysteers, my mother always used the term "the wreck of the Hesperus" to mean looking windswept or unkempt. I arrived at work one morning having got caught in a storm and announced to my colleagues that I felt like "the wreck of the Hesperus". There were all the same age as me and from the same city but not one of them had ever heard the expression. They looked at me as though I was speaking Japanese!

Enugh brass on her face to make a kettle.

When asked what’s for dinner my OH would say ‘bread and pullit’.
If asked how much something was my mother said ‘money in good words’ if she didnt want you to know.

If my gran thought someone was trying to get one over on her "I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking".

A man I used to work with used to say ‘He’s like a fart in a colander’ if someone wasn’t up to scratch.

My old dad when seeing someone looking cheesed off would say ‘he’s had his egg and chips with a dash of HP.’
And commenting on someone thin ‘thin as a lat’ or ‘like a matchstick with the wood scraped off.’

I have a friend from the north west who has a couple of wonderful sayings.
Of something or someone that is totally useless; "She's as much use as a chocolate ashtray on a motor bike"
When feeling miserable; "I feel so low I could do a limbo dance wearing a top hat."
I think she got these from her grandfather.

GrandmaKT

If my gran thought someone was trying to get one over on her "I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking".

My lovely Yorkshire Aunty used to say that. I can hear her now saying looookin’!

When asking what was for tea, my mum would say ‘bread and slap it’.

My mother when seeing young girls wearing skimpy clothes “it’s only their pride keeping them warm”.

A friend of mine years ago always referred to odd people as ' mad as cheese '.

As much use as a chocolate fireguard (or sometimes teapot)

He/she couldn't organise a feast of pigeons in a cornfield.

Apparently I always looked like the wreck of the Hesperus too, or as if I'd been pulled through a hedge backwards.

If I asked what's for tea Mum? The answer was "three kicks at the pantry door"