Lost loves. Should we say goodbye

I saw an ex's name on 'friends reunited ' it was his birthday so sent a short message. A reply came back swiftly. He apologized for being such a cad and hoped life worked out for me. It was such a nice apology, I replied all was well and we left it at that
I'm so glad I contacted him.

I don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” answer here as different circumstances will elicit different responses.
I have been with my husband over 40 years. Prior to this I was in a complicated relationship but I was deeply in love and the breakup was traumatic. Somehow we remained friends although over the years we’ve more or less lost touch. He got married a month before me and they are still together so I suppose you could say alls well that ends well. However I’ve always had that nagging feeling that I would like to meet just one more time but not for any romantic reasons.
It isn’t just the one previous relationship, there are a couple of other ex boyfriends from when I was younger (one being my first love) that I would love to see just one more time, but to be clear it wouldn’t be because I still have feelings for any of them.

I had several relationships before I married (young), mostly in my teens. One of 3 years, one of a year, and a couple of shorter ones. I met both the longer-term men in our 40s and we were like old friends having a chat and a laugh. Both had married far more suitable people than I had been back then, so I was pleased. The lad I was with for 3 years had been my best friend growing up. When he died suddenly in his 50s I went to the funeral and stood at the back. Another mate introduced me to his widow and she was thrilled to know how highly I had thought of him back then, and that we had parted simply because we had grown apart - as you do at 18. She was clearly a better partner for him than I would ever have been.

The 1-year chap I bumped into in my village, also in our 40s and we laughed our socks off at some of the daft things we had done back then.

I had another shorter, but intensive relationship with a chap I found on FB in our 60s. He went abroad for an extended holiday and came back early cos he couldn't bear for us to be apart. Unfortunately he didn't even remember me!!!

I am fortunate that I didn't have any breakups that were problematic (oh, I cried my eyes out at the time!) so my experiences were a lot different from some of yours.

Over the years I've re-met two people who say I was the "one who got away", but I'm very happily married (nearly 50 years) and know that there were reasons for the relationships ending so have no regrets.
One married on the rebound (I've been told) and is still married. He was in touch some years ago and was not very happy. Another did eventually marry and is now widowed. I'm absolutely sure that I was right to end our early relationships and need to say nothing to them that hs not already been said.
The only person whom I see as the one who got away is an old friend from university. I still meet him occasionally for lunch but never had a relationship with him and don't believe that it would really have worked.
I'm grateful to have met my husband young so that we could be happy and grow old together.

MadMeg
I went to the funeral of a friend who I’d been friends with for 50 years. 4 of his ex girlfriends were there ( and his partner)

There`s a reason why you split up,romanticising about someone is pointless.
The past has gone,no one lives there.

I think however tempting, the past should stay in the past.
Friends Reunited and popular rom-com films or fiction have a lot to answer for.
You are not the person you were and nor is he. Your life experience will have moved you both on (or should have) and saying Goodbye or Sorry is a bit irrelevant now.
Keep the memories by all means (and your illusions) but bear in mind the the fat balding man you meet up with may be seeing a dumpy, grey-haired granny himself.

There were two loves of my life. I was treated badly by both. My first husband was a serial philanderer and made off with our joint savings. A long story but I was young and started again. My second husband was difficult, DV involved. It was a long relationship but ended badly and I now do not have the financial security I hoped for in later life. I move on and have forgiven them both as my personal faith demands. I would not want to talk to either about anything from the past. Yes, there are many, many unanswered questions which I will never ask as I don’t believe the answers would assuage memories of the hurt I felt then, the echoes of which will be with me forever. I have tried to move on but am mostly saddened by my lack of ability to trust any more and I actively avoid any further relationships. I’m nearly 67 now and feel, sadly, it’s too late for me.

I met the love of my life when I was 16. We lost touch at university- no internet then, just one shared phone in a common room - and parents moved house etc so no post got through. I tried to find him before I got married and couldn’t. He’d done the same. He finally got in touch with me over 20 years ago and I was utterly floored. We met up several times and chatted frequently. My marriage had already ended and he was married with no intention of leaving. Eventually although it broke my heart to do so I told him about five years ago that we couldn’t be in contact any more. I’ll always miss him and nobody has replaced him. I see so many people my age - 60s - marrying for a second time. I don’t ever want to be married again (didn’t really want it first time round) but I just feel that unless I found that feeling again anything else would be compromise. Plus I’ve lived on my own for so long I’m not sure I could cope with someone permanently in my house

Often think the same thing and wonder what if.
I was too naive and innocent to take the friendship further but sure it was a lost chance.
Appreciate everyone’s responses.

I personally would not now contact any previous love, as at least one of them married after we had broken up, and I have no idea if his wife ever heard about me. I can only too well imagine the trouble I might cause if I got in touch.

I also recently declined an invitation from a man I had a crush on when I had just left school and started at a training college. There was nothing physical between us then or since, and he is obviously still married to the woman he was married to then and did know that a silly little 16 year old had fallen for her husband. I just felt that even in the cyber-space world of Facebook being "friends" might upset both her and my DH.

On the other hand I would happily meet up with any and all friends (without benefits) from any period of my life if any got in touch.

I was contacted by an ex-partner, we had lived together for 6 years, this was 20 years after we parted.

We met up as he happened to be in the area I live. It was pleasant enough, we spoke about trips we’d had and events we attended but neither of us talked of the bad breakup, to me it was pointless rehashing it.

I wouldn’t meet him again if he were in the area, it was okay but we have nothing left to say.

timetogo2016

There`s a reason why you split up,romanticising about someone is pointless.
The past has gone,no one lives there.

I agree, there is usually a reason which doesn't go away. The only exception could be if you have lost touch, as a few posters have done. But, again, they lost touch so perhaps there was a reason for that.
I think it's a big mistake to moon about dreaming about what could have been - if it didn't work the first time the reason is probably still there.
I'm so sorry that some of you have been scarred by previous experiences, if you have lost your trust in others. But my mantra has always been to live the life you have, not hanker after some imaginary and probably unachievable dream.

Well for me I wouldn’t go there, I have no desire to see any of them, the love of my life is the one I’ve been with for 40 years. Obviously I wish them well but have no desire to meet them, the past is the past and I look forwards to the future,

The first “love of my life” was when I was 11 and we parted because my family emigrated. For most of my life on many occasion, even though I have a wonderful husband and an amazing life, I have wondered, what if.
When social media came along I made half hearted attempts to find him with no success, then one day out of the blue his wife contacted me. He had spoken of me to her. We made contact he and I and talked. It was nice, but it was only one conversation and it did not vanquish the what ifs.
I think it will always be difficult to let go of certain parts of our past and saying goodbye may prove more difficult than we imagine.

I think I'd forget getting in contact. You might not like what you find. People change in life and it could become an embarrasment.
Leave the past where it is.

No leave it in the past
It’s a selfish act and will rarely have the desired outcome

Bugbabe2019

No leave it in the past
It’s a selfish act and will rarely have the desired outcome

Couldn't agree more.

I have recently been to two funerals that involved exes. One of them was for the mother of the first long standing boyfriend. She was a lovely lady who I would bump into on many occasions whilst my youngest was at school with her grandchildren. My ex was married 3 times and she always used to say she wishes we'd stayed together. Every so often, over the years, the ex and I would meet up for an evening of catching up and although I knew he was still hoping for a reconciliation, I had long since realised that breaking up with him was the best thing I could have done for him.
Another ex died recently. He was the most lovely man but his dependence on alcohol was obvious to me even when we were young. He married an acquaintance of mine who wasn't very keen on me to start with as he used to wax lyrical in his cups about me when they first met. However, after a couple of times of bumping into each other, we became friends because we actually had much in common. I went to his funeral to support her but it was also nice to say goodbye to him too.

say goodbye, the past is done! it ended for a reason,usually with pain for someone, why dig it up. Realationships have to be grieved.

I think one of the problems is that, towards the end of a relationship you stop communicating. For some reason, you can’t speak to the very person you have been closer to than anyone one else in the world. So it leaves a lot of unanswered questions.

Hm. I heard that the “love of my life” wasn’t well and thinking I could cheer him up, got into contact. I had no wish to re kindle romance just be friends. I’d never stopped caring about him. when we broke up, I realised we weren’t suited and I accepted the breakup without much angst. I thought about him often, with affection. But knew it was affection not love. Well when we did speak, it was to find out he’d forgotten me entirely. So humiliating!!!! He’d rewritten history. I’d snogged boys in the back row of the movies whom I remember! But the woman he told me was the only good thing in his life was pfft! I can laugh but it does hurt. We no longer speak.

In my early 20s I went to Morocco and fell in love with a very handsome young guy. He was like a filmstar and I was swept away. My friend also took up with a Moroccan whom she later married. My friend stayed married to her husband for many years and only divorced recently. For me it was never more than a holiday romance. Mixed marriages were not so accepted back then (1960s) and I would not have wished to be trapped into such a union with someone of an entirely different culture. A few years later he came over to UK and had taken up with a "friend of my friend". My feelings for him had changed. I also saw how he treated her and knew that I had a lucky escape. I occasionally wonder what became of him but I assume he married a woman of his own culture and religion and settled into the role his parents hoped for him.

I later married an English guy but the marriage did not last long. I am still friends with my ex husband (who no longer lives in UK) and have been out to Dubai several times to see him. He eventually found happiness with a third wife.

Looking back I should never have married anyone as I am too strong and selfish to compromise in a relationship. I have to be the boss.

Be careful.. I tried to get in touch with an ex (the one I left when I met the man I later married) but it didn't go well. He seemed to have gone a bit loopy and threatened me with legal action if I dared contact him again. (I'd only written a letter, fgs!)

More recently my husband was in touch (via a mutual coincidental friend on Facebook) with a woman he'd known in his teen years. He visited her when he was in LA earlier this year and of course they embarked on an affair which was mostly conducted via WhatsApp and then in real life when she came over to London. He says it's over but it's been devastating. Of course he loved feeling like a teenager again. I mean, who wouldn't? We're recovering (i think) but there's been massive damage to our marriage. So be warned!

My first love was my ex husband who turned out to be a vile husband and father. He turned up some years ago to apologise for what he did I was remarried by then. I listened to what he had to say buts that’s all. It was the past I was glad to see the back of him I will never forget the misery he caused.