Letting go

I seem to have been/ am in a permanent state of anxiety with my family. A feeling of never knowing the minute, especially where my 7 GGC are concerned. Mostly unfounded, but it's the way I'm made. My mum was the same but probably on a lesser level during her years compared to today.

You never stop worrying about your family even if it sometimes it gets out of hand . I'd never interfere though.

Mealybug, I too have done a lot of bailing out in my time, so much so that I never even kept a total over the years but wouldn't dream of it either seeing as I'm not destitute in any way and don't need anything but I'm certainly not as well-off as I was.

I believe you need a thick skin to not get involved in your
adult children's problems.

Yes I do worry about my ACs. I worry that they have to work so hard, cope with health problems and problems with GSs health but while I’m happy to help out when they occasionally ask for support, so far e.g when one GC is in hospital or with child care, I don’t rush in problem solving. Then I’d just worry I was doing more for one than the other.
Both ring me on a regular basis to see how we are or to ‘get things off their chests’ but when I ask if there’s anything I can do, they say that just listening is enough.

I have always been there for my adult children as my mother was for me and her mother was for her but my children's generation is sooo different at least in my case. All but one were always willing to take any help I offered... food, shelter, money, advise etc and sometimes when i did not offer. Now, they will have nothing to do with me. I still worry but I worry about their children not them and wonder what their mindset will be as adults.

You are only ever as happy as your most miserable child.
Mine take it in turns with the odd break!

Love you Gonegirl. Wish I were brave enough to say and do what I really think!!

I worry about one of mine constantly, and lie awake every night until the early hours, thinking about him.

I love both my children with every fibre of my body and will always worry about them, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. How can you not? I will always offer advice and support whenever they need it. They are both wonderful, clever, independent, fine young men, but will always be my babies.

On a serious note I love both my AC more than life itself. The torment we have endured with one son since he got married has broken both my husband and myself. We are just about managing to put on a brave face and take the constant punishments from our DS and DIL. We pretend we do not know that indeed we are being punished. We could not go on if we were to let them know we are aware of their terrible behaviour towards us. This has taken a good few years and we are still working on it. We realise we need to try to get on with our own life and try to enjoy our life. Not easy! It is just a case of stepping back and letting go so we my husband and I can 'live' rather than existing.

That's very sad love0c. I hope things improve for you very soon.

Buffy

I am genuinely interested in our grown children’s well-being but I am an independent, responsible, mature woman and therefore I think they have learned to move into adulthood by example, and therefore the relationship between us is not built on dual dependency.

That post from Pollyj seems to indicate a sad state of affairs and I’m sure there are far more issues just under the surface which she isn’t aware of that are contributing to her anxiety.

I do worry about one of my AC because he has been through a bad time and come out of it well, but I still worry, but dont interfere,he knows I am always here for him.

Thank you! Gonegirl.

No I don’t worry about them, but if there was a problem then as a parent I would be concerned that they would be ok. I like to think me n my husband brought them up to be independent and that life has ups and downs and it’s something you have to deal with it’s part n parcel of life, but saying that we would always be here for them but never ever interfere in their lives

Hi, Pollyj, I'm like you, I worry about my three adult sons, their health, relationships, and about the DGC too. Like Fennel, I pray for them all every morning, putting them into God's care,
"Father, I place into your hands my friends and family, Father, I place into your hands the things that trouble me...."
like the hymn, so that I can get on with my day - childcare or supply teaching- without worrying obsessively. If they are happy, I'm happy?
I came across a quote from Elizabeth Stone which sums it up,
"Making the decision to have a child- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

Polly I have felt like that for years but this year a major incident made me realise that I can help when needed but worrying was affecting my relationship with my children. It’s not been easy but I am beginning to feel less anxious and my relationship with them is getting better, no easy answers it took something major to affect change for me,

Pollyj I too worry about my adult children if they are having difficulties and sometimes it keeps me awake at night. I care about them, love them and will always support them. However you say you feel responsible in some way, but I dont feel that. I did the best job I could as a Mum, they are now adults and its right for them to take responsibility for their own lives. If they want to talk over problems and decisions I will always talk with them, but I try very hard to ensure that I dont make decisions on their behalf and I dont question any decisions they make, even if I dont agree. After all no one can go through life without making mistakes and sometimes that is the best way to learn. My DD sometimes says to me - do you think I am making the right decision? - but I always say something like - you seem to have considered everything, but only you can finally decide. Its like saying that you respect their ability to run their own lives, you have faith in them as adults and - as a useful by-product - it reduces your own anxiety.

Yes I can relate to this. Atm my son is struggling at work with his new boss so may be unemployed after Xmas and my other son has been out of work for 2 months but has just found another job. I worry about how they will pay the bills feed their children etc. However, thinking logically and not emotionally I'm sure they will both be just fine. Nobody helped me and I managed ok having left home at 16 with no qualifications.

You’ll always worry about your children... but you’re worry overly.
Try Bach Remedies to soothe out the anxiety.
Rescue Remedy 4 drops in any drink and add Red Chestnut 2 drops in same drink (worry about other people’s woes).
I’ve recently had a situation with my step mother which made me so angry about her. I used RR and Walnut for protection it certainly help me. I’m qualified in Bach and love to be able to use it and give suggestions ❤️

When it comes to Bach Flower Remedies.......

I will shut up!

>>very quickly<<

don't waste your money

I knew you wouldn't be able to manage it, gonegirl

Yes, I worry about my DD and events in her life right now. I am currently helping my DD deal with her F's increasing disability. I have been divorced from him for over 30 years, but he is her father and you do what any decent human being would do in dire circumstances. I would never leave her to cope alone. Yes, I give her advice about it. Yes, I am using my money to 'deal' with some of the issues. Yes, I go and do jobs for him when she can't.

Her DH has mental health issues. Do I support her? Of course I do. It's what any mother does - this mother anyway,
because she is a loving, caring woman with many commitments and where I can share and support I will and she does exactly the same for me.