Letting go

It’s easier when they move out. I still have one at home and I worry a lot. So I know what you mean.

Gonegirl ahahahahaaaa! You make me laugh. However, I totally agree. I let the boy get on with it.

No, I just let them get on with their own lives, they have to sort out their own problems. If it was very difficult then I would discuss it with them and help them to find a way out of it. They tend not to run to me and they are very independent.

We do keep out of our children's affairs and certainly don't worry about them too much, but they both know that if they have a problem of any kind we are there to listen and advise if appropriate, sympathise when if necessary, pour oil on troubled waters if needed! They both reciprocate with us which was a boon when we had a particularly difficult house move!!

Exactly MissAdventure.

Nobody has said they wouldn't help.
Nobody has said they don't love their children or grandchildren.

They have simply said they don't spend a huge amount of time worrying about them.

Well I constantly worry. And offer to help when there are problems in their lives. Why wouldn’t you?! I lost my mother as a child and know how hard the journey can be without one.

Yes, I worry about my DD and events in her life right now. I am currently helping my DD deal with her F's increasing disability. I have been divorced from him for over 30 years, but he is her father and you do what any decent human being would do in dire circumstances. I would never leave her to cope alone. Yes, I give her advice about it. Yes, I am using my money to 'deal' with some of the issues. Yes, I go and do jobs for him when she can't.

Her DH has mental health issues. Do I support her? Of course I do. It's what any mother does - this mother anyway,
because she is a loving, caring woman with many commitments and where I can share and support I will and she does exactly the same for me.

I knew you wouldn't be able to manage it, gonegirl

>>very quickly<<

don't waste your money

When it comes to Bach Flower Remedies.......

I will shut up!

You’ll always worry about your children... but you’re worry overly.
Try Bach Remedies to soothe out the anxiety.
Rescue Remedy 4 drops in any drink and add Red Chestnut 2 drops in same drink (worry about other people’s woes).
I’ve recently had a situation with my step mother which made me so angry about her. I used RR and Walnut for protection it certainly help me. I’m qualified in Bach and love to be able to use it and give suggestions ❤️

Yes I can relate to this. Atm my son is struggling at work with his new boss so may be unemployed after Xmas and my other son has been out of work for 2 months but has just found another job. I worry about how they will pay the bills feed their children etc. However, thinking logically and not emotionally I'm sure they will both be just fine. Nobody helped me and I managed ok having left home at 16 with no qualifications.

Pollyj I too worry about my adult children if they are having difficulties and sometimes it keeps me awake at night. I care about them, love them and will always support them. However you say you feel responsible in some way, but I dont feel that. I did the best job I could as a Mum, they are now adults and its right for them to take responsibility for their own lives. If they want to talk over problems and decisions I will always talk with them, but I try very hard to ensure that I dont make decisions on their behalf and I dont question any decisions they make, even if I dont agree. After all no one can go through life without making mistakes and sometimes that is the best way to learn. My DD sometimes says to me - do you think I am making the right decision? - but I always say something like - you seem to have considered everything, but only you can finally decide. Its like saying that you respect their ability to run their own lives, you have faith in them as adults and - as a useful by-product - it reduces your own anxiety.

Polly I have felt like that for years but this year a major incident made me realise that I can help when needed but worrying was affecting my relationship with my children. It’s not been easy but I am beginning to feel less anxious and my relationship with them is getting better, no easy answers it took something major to affect change for me,

Hi, Pollyj, I'm like you, I worry about my three adult sons, their health, relationships, and about the DGC too. Like Fennel, I pray for them all every morning, putting them into God's care,
"Father, I place into your hands my friends and family, Father, I place into your hands the things that trouble me...."
like the hymn, so that I can get on with my day - childcare or supply teaching- without worrying obsessively. If they are happy, I'm happy?
I came across a quote from Elizabeth Stone which sums it up,
"Making the decision to have a child- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

No I don’t worry about them, but if there was a problem then as a parent I would be concerned that they would be ok. I like to think me n my husband brought them up to be independent and that life has ups and downs and it’s something you have to deal with it’s part n parcel of life, but saying that we would always be here for them but never ever interfere in their lives

Thank you! Gonegirl.

I do worry about one of my AC because he has been through a bad time and come out of it well, but I still worry, but dont interfere,he knows I am always here for him.

I am genuinely interested in our grown children’s well-being but I am an independent, responsible, mature woman and therefore I think they have learned to move into adulthood by example, and therefore the relationship between us is not built on dual dependency.

That post from Pollyj seems to indicate a sad state of affairs and I’m sure there are far more issues just under the surface which she isn’t aware of that are contributing to her anxiety.

That's very sad love0c. I hope things improve for you very soon.

Buffy

On a serious note I love both my AC more than life itself. The torment we have endured with one son since he got married has broken both my husband and myself. We are just about managing to put on a brave face and take the constant punishments from our DS and DIL. We pretend we do not know that indeed we are being punished. We could not go on if we were to let them know we are aware of their terrible behaviour towards us. This has taken a good few years and we are still working on it. We realise we need to try to get on with our own life and try to enjoy our life. Not easy! It is just a case of stepping back and letting go so we my husband and I can 'live' rather than existing.

I love both my children with every fibre of my body and will always worry about them, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. How can you not? I will always offer advice and support whenever they need it. They are both wonderful, clever, independent, fine young men, but will always be my babies.