Laziness

I had same problem with my son who was old enough to know better. Once he had started work I felt sorry for him and ironed his clothes and put on the bed for him to put away found them in the washing later that week. Never again. On another occasion I refused to do his washing until he started bringing it down and putting clean stuff away. We had a stalemate for about a week and then I heard him ask my daughter how to use the machine. He was a bit better after that

Anything that you find on the floor, put it in the bin. When he asks why, you can tell him you didn’t think he wanted it any more as he’s left it lying around

When my daughter left home to go backpacking for a year to Australia, her room looked as if it had been burgled.
Unfortunately, she has always been an untidy and messy sort of person, and still is even in her own home.
However much I tried, I couldn’t change her.
Once they become adults, there is no going back.

However, with your grandson, there is a chance he can be trained to become a better adult.

You are doing a fine , fine job there. It's so annoying but there is a load of research to show the brains of young men do not fuse until they are in their early 20's.

Some of his behaviour will be down to this, some of it down to the rubbish hand of cards you have both been dealt and some of it because he can't organise himself. Just keep going, try to eat decent food, try to find time when you are enjoying something together.

On a practical note, drip dry/non iron shirts and 5 coat hangers.....he can do that?

He should be able to.
He is at the the very top of the 'Gifted and Able' club.

Miss A, the young man is an absolute credit to you and all your hard work.

So, I suggest implementing the basic rules....lay out uniform the night before and so on.

He may well be gifted academically but at 11( ?) not quite with it in other areas.

Ah, thank you. That's a lovely thing to say.

I suppose he can't be on the ball in everything, I should probably be a bit more laid back. (Grits Teeth!)

Is he in Year 7?

Yes, he just started seniors after the summer holiday.

It's massive for a wee 11 year old. Get a whiteboard in your hall way and marker pens. Write up basic to do list, he ticks off.

It's so crap for kids having to deal with 8 teachers a day with 8 different rules and the peer pressure and social media.

That's an idea, thank you.

I'll certainly try that. Softly, softly catchee monkey.

Big step for both of you and I bet you are still worried about him (which is why you are feeling so stressed). You've done so much just try to relax a bit now.
I'm afraid I'm a slut and can create chaos in a moment if I'm rushed or just very busy. One of my DSs is the same the other two are varyingly tidier.
I suggest you giive him a 'tidy day' mark it on the calendar and help him do it. For the rest of the time try just to close his bedroom door and leave things as they are.
One thing I do wonder is his attitude expecting you to do it all linked to your situation? maybe he thinks other people's mothers do do everything for them.Has he a friend with a mum who doesn't? someone who could enlighten him about how families really work?

He informs me that none of his friends have to do anything at all, ever.

You see, this is what I find so frustrating; the lengths he will go to, the upset we have, just to get anything done.

I’ve just washed 23 towels out of my foster son’s bathroom, they were all clean on Sunday. Loads of laundry and a very messy bedroom are the least of my worries and I pick my battles carefully. Kids who have suffered any kind of trauma often have many issues and we just have to focus on the good things. Natural consequences are the best thing here, dirty clothes that aren’t in the laundry bin don’t get washed so the consequences are no clean clothes until next laundry day.

23 towels!!?

You're a saint, I think, but also right in what you say.

I certianly wouldn't tell him to grow up like, Gonegirlsuggests he's 11 for goodness sake and boys should be allowed to cry. Too many are made to feel they shouldn't.
But I would tell him it is absolutely not your job to pick up after him. It is hard, my children were the same but are very tidy now. I used to have a box for each of them in the hall and any of their stuff not in their bedroom went in there for them to sort. Clothes only got washed if they put them to wash and if they didn't have the clothes they wanted that was down to them. If they left clothes on their floor that was fine but it meant they had to go out with creased clothes etc. I think if posible you have to show them the consequences of their actions.

Yes, I think natural consequences are the way to go, too.

Its so nice to have a sounding board with advisors on hand to help. I really do appreciate it.

I was astonished when my then teenage DS1 started to tidy his room. The reason? He had acquired the first of many girlfriends and wanted to invite her into his lair. He is middle-aged now and keeps his own house in impeccable order, although his teenage daughter lives with him and her room isn't always a model of tidiness. However, as she has learnt to do her own ironing, he can tolerate her habits up to a point.If a boyfriend visits, of course, she becomes domesticated.

I think his assertions are similar to the "everybody else has got one" complaint made by every child MissA. You know it's not true but what can you do?
Thinking about his acheivements at school (and well done both of you) I think possibly he is totally focussed there and working hard so what you get at home is all the trauma he has coped with and the consequences. It's hard for you but you should be pleased that he is confident in your love and care to take a bit of a lend (if that makes sense). He just needs to learn to help out a bit I'm sure it will come eventually. Just hope you can hold on!

MissAdventure, I feel your pain. I have a 15 year old in one of my (higher level) classes. He is SO lazy he can barely put pen to paper. He spends more time arguing with me than he does working.

He does my head in. It's all the late development of the frontal lobe. No common sense. Risk taking. Stupid decisions. Your GS will be fine by the time he's in his 20's. You've just got a while to wait.

He is at secondary school now * EthelJ*. Good time to suggest the growing up begins.

Oh well, by the time his frontal lobe has developed, I'll be knackered out, GagaJo.

Interesting, though, because he is exactly as you described.

I'm often astonished that someone so clever can be so 'not clever' in some ways.

I wonder why he lives with you, and is he "acting out" emotionally. I worked as a school counsellor for a time so I tend to think this way. I think he does need to understand "your house, your rules" and learn to be organized, but at the same time, is there something he's more deeply angry or upset about that might need to be addressed?

" It's all the late development of the frontal lobe."
GagaJo .
That ties in with the Jewish view of children taking on adult responsibilities. Girls at 12, boys at 13.