Laziness

Sandigold He is with me because his mum died, so yes, there is every reason for him to play up.

I'm walking a tightrope between bearing that in mind, and not allowing it to be used at every opportunity to excuse bad behaviour.

My kids were like this..one day everything that wasn’t where it should be was put in black sacks...computers, games, trainers and clothes. I cleared the floors and when they got home I told them where their valuables were....waiting for the dustmen take them away. They collected their stuff, by the bins....and put it all away....the next time they left the room in a mess I did it again...didn’t take long to get the message taken seriously.

My mum used to throw anything left out onto the fire. The fire!! No second chances, no matter how we pleaded, it was gone.

My two went through a dirty untidy stage. Son would come in and you could follow where he had been with his dirty handmarks on the doors. Wouldn't help in the house and I was fed up doing it all. So as they were both working I decided to get a cleaner in 2 days a week and divide the cost 4 ways. As I said, why should I work and pay for your mess. Also told them if they didn't keep it clean in-between visits I would employ her 3 days a week and that would cost them.

A child coping with the death of his mother is the hardest hand to be dealt. My sisters and I were left in this dreadful situation many years ago when mum died suddenly and we all reacted differently. For my part I was terrified of doing anything that might upset dad in case he died too. There is often a degree of guilt involved in another’s death and that could be part of your grandson’s issues. He can’t understand why he feels as he does. Does he realise there is no time limit to grief and that it’s ok to feel all kinds of emotions towards someone else he loves?
When I look back now I know I would have appreciated a quiet moment here and there with dad and/or someone else who loved me for a long time after mum had gone. Reassurance from adults that they were aware we girls were still missing her but still mattered.
I feel if you two sat down together and talked over the things each of you find difficult about the other and find some compromise you could move forward together. You are probably fighting similar demons!
He’s great at school because he knows what’s expected of him, can deliver it and get rewarded with good marks/praise. Can you two work together on this basis?
I know it’s hard I really do, for lots of reasons. But by acting as a team and a pair of intelligent people you can forge a reasonable relationship. Fight the bad hand you’ve each been dealt together, rather than battling each other. Good luck and big hugs ? x

Ah, thank you, Julie that really means a lot, and it makes a huge amount of sense.

Everyone's advice does, too, of course.

? This may be the emoji you want MissAdventure

I can't see it.
Just an empty square.

Dear me. Sounds like you both deserve a great big hug. I hope you are not coping with this alone and both have a great deal of support.

I haven't really got anyone to support me.
I wish I still had my mum.

MissAdventure

You've still got that little boy. He loves you even if he doesn't always show it.

This is a difficult time for your grandson even if he hadn't lost his mother and all that goes with that. Years 7 and 8 are often turbulent especially as testosterone is starting rear its ugly head. Maybe working out what jobs each of you should be doing could dispel that idea that everything is "your" job. Working together picking up stuff and sorting washing is so much nicer than having to do it on your own. I let my kids have their room how they wanted it. If you couldn't see the carpet, that was their problem but I did expect them to pick up their stuff from around the house. If they didn't, I opened their bedroom doors and just hurled the stuff in. Caused a few arguments but hey ho, that was their problem, not mine.

My son (now 42) went on holiday with a friend when he was 18. His room was always an absolute pigsty so I rarely entered. 3 months later I encountered his unpacked suitcase full of wet towels and clothes which had rotted away (don’t ask about the smell!). “I hadn’t got round to unpacking and anyway, I’ll just throw everything away and buy new stuff”. Some of it was designer ??. 5 years later he’d moved out and became the tidiest and cleanest person imaginable.

Don’t give up but keep on top of it.

We did do the hot white wash, anyway, and he stripped off his quilt cover, then I wrestled on a clean one.

Peace is restored... for now.
All quiet and tidy.

Reminds me of my own son. When he couldn’t be bothered to put his clean clothes away, dh threatened him that if he didn’t do so he would put them all back in the wash!!! .

As you can probably guess that wasn’t much good as a threat.

So much good advice here! Just want to support the idea of positive reinforcement - look for ANY opportunity to praise him. If he does anything at all around the house - thank him (but don't do what a friend of mine did with her son in front of me which was "well, that's a nice thing to do - why can't you do that all the time?" thus both praising and criticising at the same time! The criticism always negates the praise).

Sorry, I don't have an immediate answer but the solution seems to happen by magic when they move out and get their own place!

I just picked up piles of cushions from the floor and arranged them nicely on the sofas, now notice they're all on the floor again along with some throws, visitors expected in a few minutes, grrr.
His bedroom is tidy though and he's emptied the bins, fed the dogs and the chooks.
Every cloud etc.

At 11 he is still a child and I 5h8 k it’s a bit much to expect him to sort out washing . He has obviously suffered some trauma if he is not living with his parents .Personally and I do have a grandson this age who stays for a holiday each year I would just look after him he is still a child who needs a lot of love .i felt upset when I read this .He wont always be a child .

I lied.

His bedroom was not tidy, just saw it.

Take away something he really wants/needs/values and tell him he can have it back when he clears up his mess and that he must continue to do so in future.

Get tough. be 'nasty'.

If that doesn't work, take the WiFi hub away until it does.

I agree with Carly and Ooeysit. Please don't fret too much over this MissA. You have a difficult job, and one by all accounts one which you didn't expect, but are doing conscientiously.

Children change, he is young, but he will mature and won't necessarily always be lazy or untidy.

What will endure is the security and love which you give him.

MissA, I feel your frustration, it’s so hard!

Have you tried changing the WiFi password until the room is clean? I see that recommended a lot

Not yet, but that's mainly because I don't know how.

He will do what I ask, if I stand over him, and after much arguing, its just that it's exhausting, and I feel worn out with it, all the time, about everything.

I have every sympathy but he's still only a child, albeit a child on the cusp of puberty.
I did absolutely everything for mine because I, unlike many working mums, was able to stay at home.
Still, they did have job, paper deliveries for the boys and magazine drops for the girls but to be honest, I used to do it for them when it rained.
When they started work and luved awsy from home at 16, they learned (by trial and error?) how to launder, cook, clean
and budget their money.
When they married their wives never got a look in. The (now) men do it so much better.
There was never any need to teach or cajole them but not all males are the same...thank goodness.
I think MissAdventure is doing a sterling job under difficult circumstances but the boy will be a man soon enough. Enjoy your children/grandchildren while you can.