Laziness

misadventure Both you and your grandson have had such a hard time that you both have my sympathy - but sympathy does not help. I am not sure how long he has been living with you and both your lives have changed so much. Is there anything that you do that annoys him? This used to be one of my “trade offs” when dealing with my daughter. I have lots of annoying facts apparently so that worked for a while. My son was like your grandson but when I painted his bedroom and let him choose curtains at about this age, he chose cheap blinds, plain paint - unexpectedly - and suddenly began to take pride in his own space. Anything lying around in communal areas he ignored but I boxed it daily and put in his room where it was miraculously quickly tidied up. I allowed the children to do similar to me - all part of the deal. Sometimes it didn’t work but most of the time it did. Up till they were 16 then back to arguments but hey ho. Given all that you have both gone through, if he is going to school happily, doing his homework and is generally well behaved that is major success for both of you. you deserve a medal ???

That last post was in response to the last line of HannahLois' post.

Faults not facts

Yes, things aren't easy for either of us, I'm sure, gonegirl.

Tough few years we've had.

That's why its so frustrating to be at loggerheads about something so daft as picking up his own stuff.

Well after I stopped chuckling things out of windows, with my younger daughter I just refused to clean, unless it was tidy, and as she liked it clean, she made the effort, armed with a bin bag and a can of polish, she’d blitz her room

Of course your grandson may not respond in the same way, it sounds a horrible situation

Feelingmyage

The head of his new school called me in to a meeting to personally congratulate him on his outstanding sats results, so its not all bad.

The head didn't even know about our circumstances either (no surprise there, though that's a whole new thread, I think!)

That's fantastic!!! (about his results)

That's what I keep reminding myself when I'm clearing up chewing gum off the floor..

If anyone said to me, "But its your job to do it!" especially in a domestic milieu God help them. They would never ever make that remark again.

In my young and single days I flatshared with someone who persistently failed to do any domestic tasks, leaving them to me and our 3rd flatsharer. One day, as I was tidying up the living room and removing the dirty coffee cups, before friends came round. She turned to one of her friends, who had used the mugs and left the mess, who commented that I seemed to a lot of the housework, 'Oh,' she said 'its alright M0nica likes housework.'

It took me three days to find alternate accommodation, give my notice and go.

This made me smile, memories. I was so fed up, I literally shoved everything under his bed, whatever was not 8n the correct place, meaning dirty washing, toys, books whatever. After about three weeks it was getting quite ripe in there. My son was getting a definite strained look on his face. Eventually he whispered and asked, mum there is a really really bad stench in my bedroom, and my stuff is missing, clothes, books, games, did I think there could maybe be an alien or someone who’d taken over his bedroom. He wanted to sleep on the sofa now. He was 10 yrs old. I let him stew a few days, he slept on the sofa! But then he left his stuff around and it to vanished. Of course it was under his bed! I finally agreed we’d clear everything in his bedroom and see what was what. He was totally shamed, gobsmacked. Yes, the stench was epic. When we moved his bed, it hit home. He started putting washing in the linen basket, Tidying up. Brilliant it worked. He’s now 49, and is still cured! So his wife tells me. Try it.

My own DCs weren't too bad at keeping their rooms in order but my friend had awful problems with her young teenagers. She got her DH to take their bedroom doors off at the hinges, thus depriving them of their privacy. She even took down their window blinds! It drove the kids to distraction but it had the desired effect.

"Your job to do it"? I think a lesson in gender equality is in order, never mind the clearing up!
But seriously - teach him to use the washing machine.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My son also used to put clean clothes back in the wash rather than put them away! I went ballistic when I found out. He also used to hide clothes and shoes he didn't like and tell me he'd lost them. £50 Schools shoes once!

He is a joy now though! They do grow out of it!

Some people are intractable. I am a tidy person, DS grewup in a tidy house, but his room was always chaotic, despite me constantly chasing him.. At primary school the teacher in charge of lost property told me that when anything was handed in the first question she asked was have you asked Monica's son if it his?

Secondary school - a boys only school - the relevant teacher said 'In this job, with boys I am accustomed to untidiness but some boys stand head and shoulders above the others and DS is one of them'. University was no better.

He is now married and DDiL knows how hard I tried, but when I heard the new kitchen was complete and in use the first thing I said was 'Has DS left his socks on the kitchen floor yet?' I was joking. Her reply was 'Funny you should mention that but.......'

My step children’s bedrooms were awful. The whole floor was covered. I hardly ever went in and refused to clean in there. They did put dirty uniforms out so that side of things was dealt with. I left the rest to their dad to deal with, and he would help them have a blitz in there about three times a year. When stepdaughter left home she left everything behind. The room remained untouched for years until we moved house when DH had to deal with it. I fail to understand the mentality quite honestly. My sister was the same and my mum just cleared up after her. I am not super tidy, but I do like the house to be reasonably presentable.

My son has OCD and you should see his sock drawer!

That's the idea MissAd - teach him how to do his own laundry.
Our 2 boys were ok that way, but the girls just threw things on their bedroom floor. So one day I gathered it all up and "hoyed it oot the winder!"
I told them from now on you do your own washing and ironing.
I was working full time at the time, with no domestic help.

O K this child is 11, fully old enough to see the difference between clean and dirty clothes, to sort laundry into colours and to learn to do the washing! He doesn't need to do all his own washing, but he is plenty old enough to learn how to select a wash-cycle and turn the machine on.

Teach him and in about 10 years time some girl will bless you for having made the effort! My DIL is a very grateful woman I may say because I made that particular effort.

He is also old enough to understand that it is not your job to pick things up after him. Hand him the hoover and he will soon find out that it is easier to hoover if there are not piles of stuff all over the place.

Having had three girls as our children my wife and I both found that growing into their teenage years they could be lazy and inconsiderate too.

It is all part of the frustration but most of all joy of bringing your children from baby's all the way through to adulthood.

Just enjoy the experience and think back to when you were of their age, were you perfect?

Of course I was grandad!

Just like I am now. (Growing nose icon)

My boys where exactly the same at that age,well between 10/13ish.It was my fault for always waiting on them hand and foot.
I just made sure I always had on hand clean trousers and school shirts when I stopped going into their room at least they where off to school in clean clothes.
Wait until girls come into the equasion and you will see a swift turn around.

Some children are easier to train in the way you want, but others are more resistant and independant. He sounds a bright kid who may on some level be enjoying the verbal tussle or even negative attention.

I don't know your circumstances, but seems as if you've done incredibly well so far.

Children often respond better to reward than threats, but who am I to offer advice with my pseudonym??

I'm not lazy btw

He's very resistant!

I feel much better having heard how many people have had this problem, anyway, it just gets me down sometimes, like last night.

Today vengeance is mine though!

Grandtante Yes, but. Both of my DC were responsible for dusting and hoovering their bedrooms rom the age of 8. They grew up cooking and DS was domestically accomplished and more than capable of looking after himself by the time he went to university.

Now, married with children he does most of the cooking, his fair share of the cleaning and happily loads and unloads washing machines and does washing-up, but he remains as untidy as ever.

Untidiness and domestic accomplishments can sit side by side in the same person.