How soon did you see your grandchild and where?

You’re right, they do grow up. But (in my opinion) only get more fun! Try and focus on building a long term relationship with them.

Since you are not close it might take time, but be patient, move at their pace and don’t lose hope.

GoodMama, my son and I were very close until he met this girl just over a year ago.

Another sad tale of a baby being used to cause hurt and upset.

For one thing, do not look at Facebook, I live in blissful ignorance, I know with one daughter and her in-laws, there would be things I’d prefer not to see, so I don’t look.

I saw all of my grandchildren within a couple of days of being born, but only when invited to do so, I truly feel sad for you Flyingsolo, you can never have this time again, but hopefully you will get to build a relationship, wishing you well.

Oh, I apologize. I misread your previous post when you said you weren’t close with the couple, but yes, I see where you said you were close with your son before his relationship began.

I do think it’s fairly normal for a son to devote a lot of time to his partner. And unfortunately sometimes that time comes from previous time spent with his mother.

Assuming you never said a negative word about his partner, it’s natural for you to feel the sting of his shift in focus.

Then they had a baby after not knowing each other very long, that adds more complications.

I’m sorry you are hurt.

Everyone is finding new footing in their new roles.

Just give them time. Support your son when he reaches out.

Sara65 There is no evidence the baby is being used to hurt anyone.

“This time” is not for FlyingSolo, it’s for her son and his partner. She is not entitled to visits with the new baby.

I understand that doesn’t take her hurt away, but there’s no need to make her feel worse.

Should we try and help her see the bigger picture and have perspective?

It seems being kind to her is the way to go. All is not lost for her. Plenty of time to build bridges and mend any broken fences.

Patience, time and kindness.

GoodMama

I agree there is plenty of time to build bridges, and I very much hope that they do, I also agree that it’s their child, and they must do as they see best.

But clearly, if they are not actually intending to be hurtful, they’re still doing a pretty good job of it, or else Flyingsolo wouldn’t be here looking for opinions

Sara65, I agree, FlyingSolo is feeling hurt and I am so sorry for her for that. But I think it's a case of mismatched expectations on her part. I know that is hard to hear and I don't mean it to cause further harm.

But, she didn't have much of a relationship with the couple, sporadic contact with her son at best once the relationship began so this is actually consistence in her relationship recently with them (and him).

They haven't changed the rules on her, they had a baby and kept contact with her the same.

I understand she expected and wanted to be included more, but I don't think it's fair to say they are doing it on purpose. They have their hands full and are just continuing status quo with her at the moment.

Luckily, we we've said, she has plenty of time to build a relationship. Although I do caution her to move slowly and keep it positive. Or else she runs the risk of them feeling like she's only interested to get to the baby.

Which will end badly.

But, she seems very reasonable and is just taking the temperature of the room. She's already said she's not as hurt by the facebook announcement. That's great progress.

I hope the board advices her not to push. Her son will reach out when he's ready- I'm sure he's overwhelmed and focus on his new family.

I was att the birth with her daddy. All 3 if us . I feel sorry for families not so close. Im v lucky

I'm just going to say here that my main concern is my own son, his health, his welfare and his happiness.

Sara65, but if I hadn't looked at facebook I wouldn't even know the baby had been born apart from the fact she would now be 10 months pregnant!

Flyingsolo

Point taken, but I honestly don’t think Facebook is helpful. Nobody paints an accurate picture, it’s all air brushed, you think you’re seeing a perfect happy family, and feeling excluded, that may not be the case at all.

FlyingSolo I have tried to reply to your PM but it won't send. Don't want you to think I am ignoring you!

You say they are very young, just wondering how young, they met last year and already have a baby, huge life change here and although you are seeing all sorts of facebook stuff it may not all be a bed of roses. Gransnetters usually advise to keep out but I am wondering if they are waiting for you to ask to go round and visit and take a lot more interest, specially if you haven't fallen out with them. I know its a fine line but I am thinking of their age and situation.

I have four DGC. All from my two daughters. I was at the actual birth for 2 of them, and in the delivery room up to the last minute for the other two. However - I was there for my daughters, not specifically to meet the babies. I am not sure how it will pan out with my DIL when the time comes. We are all pretty close, so I hope it will be soon after the birth, but it depends how she feels. I fully expect her mother to be at the birth, and it does not worry me. I would be heartbroken if I had to wait 5 weeks!

Gonegirl, you aren’t the only person to tell me trying to reply to my messages won’t work. Are you able to send me a new message to respond that way as I seem to be receiving them?

Hmmm... I wonder what the baby's parents are thinking. Paternal granny knew the date of a planned C-section, and didn't choose to call in that evening or the following day while still in hospital. She didn't make a special visit to meet the baby, only a half-hearted meeting at a railway station. It's possible the young couple are feeling very hurt and miserable that the birth of their baby - a life changing event for them - wasn't important enough to granny to make the effort. If there's some distance involved, a hotel or B&B overnight nearby would do the trick.

So the kids think his Mum doesn't care. She thinks they are being remote. Everyone sees unkindness in each other. How about just calling in with a gift for the baby and starting again?

To answer the question in the heading. I saw each of my five GC on the day on which he/she was born.

Geekesse, you couldn't be more wrong unfortunately. They didn't tell me when he was born. I can't possibly go round. I have never ever been invited to their home. There was no meeting at the train station which is a strange place and time to be expected to meet the baby anyway. What would have been wrong with meeting at a normal place on any of the other days he's been alive instead of waiting until ninety minutes before the train I'm booked on is about to leave and expecting to bring the baby to meet me there if I get a different train? You do realise they live in walking distance of me? The train station is further away!

Hello Flying solo

I do feel sorry for you.I have five grandchildren and saw four of them on the day they were born, the one exception was the granddaughter born 10 weeks premature.She was very unwell and in an incubator in SCBU, but next day she had improved enough for us to see her.I also have two great grandchildren and we met them when they were a few days old.
My poor sister is also a great grandma and due to a family rift, has never seen either of her great grandchildren yet just photos on facebook.She also does not see her grandchildren, after having loads of contact when they were young children.
My heart goes out to you, I hope you get contact soon.

I am sorry flying solo. I understand why you are upset but some of the advice given here might help you in deciding what, if anything, you might do now. Best to avoid ‘words’ if you can. Least says and all that, it’s not unusual fir grans to have to tread carefully and not just with dils. Hope things work out.

I’m sorry flyingsolo, that sounds hard

I wouldn’t Take offense to not being told the section date. As new parents are advised not to tell extended family at the date. Announcing on fb seems to be done often as well, although I would be hurt too.

I know you have said that you haven’t been invited to see the baby, and I think you are smart not to just show up, but have you asked to come over?

As far as the train station visit, I have seen it suggested before that when you are having a visit with someone that you have a difficult relationship with, that you set it up in a way that it has a hard and time so that they cannot overstay their welcome. I know you said your relationship with the couple hasn’t been the best, so they might have thought this was a good alternative.

I hope you are able to talk to your son about it soon

*hard end time

Silverlining48, I'm not going to do anything about it. I had just wanted to see if other grandparents found this to be normal behaviour or not. It was more that I was trying to sort out my thoughts than do or say anything. I do wonder how long this will go on for though. There's 4 months to christmas. Who knows?!

How about phoning or sending a note to say you hope they are all well and that you are looking forward to seeing the baby as soon as it’s convenient with them.
Best wishes. K

Summerlove, I haven't ever been invited to their home. I don't mean just since the baby, I mean never at all.