Remember you may become a MIL

I dreaded becoming a MIL because of all the negativity I heard from work colleagues about theirs

Um, that doesn't ring true. Sorry. You are what you are.

Just because other women have MILs or DILs they don't get on with doesn't mean that is just the way it is. Surely you appreciate that?

I told my future Dils my concerns and asked them if I ever did anything they didn’t like they must tell me

Well, good for you, but ye gods! Really????

Talk about snow-flakery and the current trend with being 'offended'.

You start with the premise that because you are a MIL you are likely to offend your DIL.

Many people get on with everyone. Most people start relationships hoping to do that. Some people fall out with others. Circumstances, character, incident etc, etc, all come into play.

There isn't a rule book for the MIL/DIL relationship. You get what you're given and try your best to get on, not going out of your way to offend. Some will, some won't.

That's life, actually.

I get on very well with my son in law. He communicates with me more than my daughter does sometimes.

I have 4 daughter-in-laws, love three of them and we get on really well.

The fourth, well she doesn't speak to anyone on our side of the family. It's a shame but hey ho such is life!

I don't think there are a 'large majority' of threads with moans from Dils on here!

I have 2 Dils and 2 sils and I've never fallen out with any of them.

I think I know what you mean Twin2. I am lucky with my daughters' partners. We get on fine. But I think it might be different when my son finally decides to settle down. Just the way it is. Women tend to look upon their husband's partner as a rival. It might be down to insecurity.

Day 6. Perhaps it was where I worked but it was true. I didn’t realise it came across as I would offend my DILs but I hoped not too. I and they are certainly no snowflakes ❄️

What about our DIL’s offending us it’s just as likely ?
Or...just as unlikely.We are all different, there is no stock MIL or DIL.
Does your DIL say to you Twin ‘ you must tell me if I ever offend you’ or similar?
Things should work both ways.

Meh.

Course there are posts moaning about ILs (and blood relatives) because whats the point in starting a thread just to say "my MIL is alright"?

P.s. my MIL is alright. We get on and care about each other. If we werent ILs we probably wouldn't gravitate to each other as friends, but having been thrown together as ILs it works quite nicely.

There you go.
Not worth its own thread though is it?

Day6 harsh, very harsh.

Twin I can understand how you wanted to get on well with your dils and why you would be concerned. There are plenty of examples on here of dils cutting out their husband's families so I think you must have a good relationship with yours if you can have that conversation. Good for you.

Remember the saying your daughter's your daughter for all of her life, you son is your son until he gets him a wife

I am lucky to have 2 great dils, one very frank who would tell me if I got it wrong and we would discuss without rancour. I think the other one might appear to agree with me when she doesn't because she is a peacekeeper so I wouldn't necessarily know if I had got it wrong. However we have a great relationship so I am eternally grateful.

Keep on as you have been doing and don't let the self-satisfied types put you off. I think you are going to be great.

"Women tend to look on their husband's partner as a rival"
Is that not you ?
Gonegirl

I had a wonderful DMiL, whom I truly loved and I now have a wonderful DDiL, who I have every reason to believe loves me as much as I love her.

Remember, the only people who complain are those with problems. The majority of MiL/DiL relationships work very well, so no one feels any need to comment on them.

I had a close relationship with my MIL.
I felt being a DIL put me in a uniquely individual position. We shared similar opinions, more like friends than family at times.

She asked me to stay by her bedside and hold her hand when she was dying. A treasured memory.

I have a photo of her linking arms with HER MIL laughing their heads off, and one of her and I doing the same thing!!

Always makes me smile when I pass it on the landing wall.

Unfortunately my relationship with my mother was far more complicated and unsatisfactory. For another time.

My DM had an awful relationship with her Mil who was my dear grandma.
They couldn't stand eachother and once grandma shouted "how did you get my son!"
I was well warned but then discovered it needn't be like that.
My Mil has been a friend and ally for over 40 years.
I am now Mil to 3. I am very fond of them all and they don't seem to dislike me. I think I must be very lucky or taught my DC how to choose lovely partners
There are or were plenty of jokes about MiLs. and a plant called mother-in-law's tongue with sharp spikes so it must have always been a sensitive relationship.

I am a MIL three times over but have SILs and honestly do not recognise these scenarios.
However I think too much emphasis is put on the “me” factor in these relationships, whether Gran or MIL.
We acquire these roles by default, passively, if you like because our adult children marry and have children.
We do not choose the roles in the way we chose to become wives/partners or mothers.
When I read of women who can’t wait to be a Gran or talk of their children “providing them with grandchildren” I cringe.
We do not choose to become. MILs but to make the relationship work may require sensitivity and common sense.
I don’t think I have led a sheltered life (!) but as a DIL and now a MIL I have never interfered or had my relationships interfered in (grammar?)
Good manners and the fact that we have people we love in common takes care of that.

To clarify my earlier post, the whole family bent over backwards to welcome the DIL that doesn't associate with us. She was the reason our S's marriage broke down (I know it takes two) but we decided to welcome her into our family regardless.

I don't think I got that quite right ninahenana. I won't try again. ? I know what I mean.

I have 2 sons-in-law and 2 daughters-in-law, we all get on very well.

Thanks Nonnie you totally understood my post and Lemongrove my Dil agreed it should be both ways.

Gonegirl I fully understand what you meant ?

I am the mother-in-law to my daughter's husband. We started from the word go to be friends because we both love the same young woman in different ways. Ten years on we remain close and loving friends. I help her/his family; he helps my family – it's all the same family.

Maw you have made a good point about 'me'. I'm sure many will have noticed that 'me' now seems to come first when talking about yourself and others. I was always told it was DH and me, to always put myself after the other person but nowadays it seems to be me and ......... The emphasis on me has become more important.

My mil would not have liked anyone who had married her baby but I worked very, very hard on the relationship and I was quite close to her when she died. Not so sure dils feel the need to do that these days, well perhaps mine feel they work hard for me but I've seen no sign of it.

Oops that sounded like we don't get on, we do, really well it is just that I don't think they have to try, it just works.

absent we are the same. we have melded with DDiL's's to become one family. We always stay with DDiL's mother when we visit DS and family, Our whole family, including DD attended DDiL's sister's wedding this summer and were on the second table. They all joined us, including the new couple, for our 50th wedding celebrations last year. We rented a house for a week.

My parents and PiL came very close to to that as well.