the big c

yes it’s bad news but can’t help thinking about why you say life is unfair.
I can't help feeling that if you had children with an inherited illness which denied you grandchildren, had lost your husband fairly recently and now were told that somebody close to you had terminal cancer, you might feel that life was unfair. Don't we all feel like that sometimes? And probably with less good reason!
It is difficult to advise you about what you can do without knowing what treatment is on offer or how much pain your BIL is in. If they are reasonable symptom free, I would urge them to live their lives to the fullest so that they have the most wonderful memories to look back on in tough times. I would offer my help in anyway they needed but without being over fussy. I think you can only take your lead from them.

My younger brother was diagnosed with throat cancer 4 years ago and has been fitted with a tracheotomy so can still talk. Had a few operations, we nearly lost him twice and earlier this year was told the cancer had returned and there was nothing else they could do, we were naturally devastated. 2 months later a U turn happened and he was told that the cancer had not returned after all and he was given 100% all clear after all the scans/tests. 2 days later he had a heart attack. He has since bounced back from that and is truly a walking miracle ! Thro out this time he has just wanted everyone to act as per norm and help with practical stuff as/when.

sad times, life at times seems unfair to us all, I am sure we can all relate to that. hopefully this will bring people important to you closer, and don't forget to reach out.
my thoughts are with you

Having recently suffered from cancer, currently in remission although thought I was cured. The Maggie Centre was a great help to me, and if you can get them to go along for a visit and a cup of coffee now, while he is still around. It would be a great help to them both and also a comfort later on. They are very knowledgeable and are there for families and friends of cancer patients

I'm just a walking disaster but if I ever gave in to it that would be the end for me. Instead,when anything else strange crops up I laugh and ask myself " what else ?" I have multiple medical problems where some days I could jump through hoops and others could literally lie down and die----but I'd never allow myself to get in such a state.
I was diagnosed with both heart failure and kidney failure amongst other things 12 years ago. Fortunately I'm at stage 3 with the kidneys which thousands have and live to be 100 so no worries. As long as I look after myself with a good diet I'll keep going. Skin cancer too has been a bit of a nuisance. BCC's they're called but soon rectified unlike the cancers you can't see !
It's a very lucky person who can reach old age without a problem of sorts. I count myself lucky x

Brendajtell them how you feel, that you're sorry and don't know what else to say. That allows them to talk to you about it if they need too, either together or individually.

When my mum was diagnosed with cancer, which she recovered from, I know for her that the worse thing any one could do was to try and ignore it.

What lovely posts on here particularly that of dear Panache who is always so encouraging.
I have just finished talking on the phone to a dear old friend of 95 years of age who had a cancer diagnosis at aged 26 and was given a prognosis of 6 months to live. As she says, "God had other ideas which differed greatly!" On approaching his own death Billy Graham once said, "You cannot count your days, but you can make your days count"
Brenda as has been suggested on one of your other threads, do get along to the chemist and ask about those travel sickness helps which are available nowadays and do some research on the best way of travelling those 250 miles to see them. In a funny sort of way this might help you to feel better about all those other things which are bothering you at present at the same time as being a real support to your dear sister and BIL. You could be such a blessing to them by helping them to enjoy life at present and making all of your days count.
Hope it is as beautiful a sunny day where you are today!

Seems that every other person has cancer nowadays. I was cured of bowel cancer fifteen years ago and have recently been told that I am in remission from anal cancer after treatment by radiotheraphy. My husband had stomach cancer at the age of 67 and was going for his last chemo when he died of heart attack.

I’d only read a few of the responses before I commented myself. I’ve now gone back and read all of them and find it incredible that so many people are talking about their or their friends, family, partners illnesses. It’s not a competition people, Brenda was looking for some advice and maybe helpful suggestions not the some of the responses that are on here

Sorry to read of your distress Brendaj but as a previous poster has said, your BIL has had 50 years of marriage and so is presumably in his seventies. To be honest when I read the title of your post I immediately thought you were referring to a husband, younger son or daughter or a grandchild. No, I don't think 'Life is unfair' - sad, bad things can happen to us all along the way, but the important thing is how you deal with them. As Aunt Eller says in 'Oklahoma' ... "Be hardy". You can be of immeasurable help to your sister and BIL by offering practical, uplifting support and wish you all the best in the coming months and years.

Dear Brenda I think Caocao s post has put it into prescpective
I think you are feeling this so much harder because from your other threads you are obviously going through a difficult, sensitive, and depressive time
Please try to concentrate on the positives Your brother in law has not been given a month he has been given a prognosis of time...time to spend with his loved ones and who knows he may well outlive his time and they may be new treatments to give him longer even
None of us know what time we ve got, is it best to be warned or just go in a butterflies breath I don’t know?
Please give your brother in law and sister some positive support not a doom and gloom phone call Please try not to see the worst

This is such a wonderful thread, full of humanity and wisdom. My SIL aged only 50 has just been told that her breast cancer has returned and is all over her body and is incurable. My brother (her husband) was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer 3 years ago aged 55 and given a prognosis of 2-10 years. He's currently stable after treatment but has to live with the threat of it spreading. My lovely old dad died of cancer 3 years ago.

There are very few families who aren't touched by cancer. But as has been pointed out, there are so many other serious and common conditions that are a fact of life. Cancer though holds a particular fear for so many people and I'm one of them and wish I could put the fear into context. Knowing that there are so many people who are living with the disease and making the most of their lives is inspirational. And knowing how many of us are touched by cancer does take away the fear somewhat.

Brenda, I hope you can see that you're not alone and that your BIL and sister just need you to be there for them.

A brilliant post by Panache. Well done you.

Dear Summerstorm I don't think that anyone on here is competing but just sharing, as you did yourself, and what a help every story is. Isn't it amazing what help and support is out there and how greatly we can help each other even by saying I have read your thread and I so feel for you.
Gransnetters are wonderful, thank you all for just being there! X

My daughter in law hasn't even lived for 50 years, they have a 10 year son, she is dying, how fair is that?

That's great Optimist I agree.

I replied on another thread with the same title.
My DH is going through this so I am too.
We are lucky to have a great set up including the Maggy's Centre to keep us feeling that it's about living and not dying.
It can be a good excuse to back out of some things we don't want to do. In fact it concentrates the mind in a good way.
We don't put things off either. If we want to do something we grab the moment it's a sunny so he's off with a friend for the day.

Well said, Maw. My husband (and me) have been living with cancer for ten years plus. He has prostate cancer which has spread to his bones but he is mostly well.
At first we were devastated and tried to pack a lot of living in but after a while started to carry on our lives as we did pre-diagnosis.
Living with cancer is normal for us now. We still bicker, fall out, make up and enjoy being together. He is fatigued most of the time and his early nights are getting earlier. I miss company in the evenings but a small price to pay to still have him with me

Practically anything you say is better than saying nothing, Brenda. In your place I would say much what you wrote in your original post either to your BIL or perhaps even better to your DS.

The very worst thing we can do in the face of serious illness or death is to say nothing.

Saying you are shocked by this news, and that you don't know what to do or say to help, but that will they please ask for any help they need shows that you are thinking of them, and want to do something to help.

" Bijou Mon 29-Oct-18 11:57:35

Seems that every other person has cancer nowadays. "
I read once that as a person gets into old age, most have some kind of cancer. The disease progresses slowly the older you are. Cancer in a young person is much more likely to be fatal.
Not sure if this is true?
Brenda - as others have said, just try to be kind friend to your BiL and his family. By helping others you help yourself.

It 's always difficult to know what to say in these situations. I suggest that you offer your sympathy and practical help with hospital visits, etc.
It's probable that BIL doesn't want everyone treading on egg shells just because he's ill. He may want life to go on as normally as possible for as long as you all can. My sympathies.

Speaking as a survivor of cancer, all I wanted was to feel loved, be normal and have my friends and family round me. Cancer is something that really shakes everyone up, it's such a dreadful shock, and I just wanted to make the most of everything and everyone I held dear. The worst thing is for it to be whispered about, kept hidden and secret. Just treat him like normal, but with more offers of help without taking his independence away. He doesn't need to be the one comforting other people when they don't know what to do.

You are just in shock yourself and and trying to come to terms with the news. You will be grieving, too! There is nothing you can say that can make things better for them, but just having your love and support can help. Some people find it too hard to be around people going through a crisis because they don't know what to say. But you don't have to say anything. Just be there for them and show them you love and care about them. I'm so sorry for you, too. Please don't give up hope, either. I've known people with a very frightening diagnosis and they are given many more years than first expected.

Brendaj,

So sorry about your brother in law. We just had a similar experience with my cousin's DH. Cousin and I grew up together so she's like the sister I never had. By the time her (otherwise active, healthy) DH was diagnosed with bladder cancer (beginning of August), it had spread throughout. He died three weeks ago at age 71. We went to say our last good bye and it was a very hard thing to do. We are still in shock and disbelief.

Whenever a peer dies of our own age, the reality of our own mortality gets too close. I think that's why some of us feel so uncomfortable, perhaps even awkward.
Let your sister (and BIL) know you understand this is a difficult time and that you're there for both of them. Perhaps an occasional note with words of encouragement, a phone call..... If you live close by, offer to go to the store for her or pick up a remedy. Spend time with them. A warm hug is sometimes all that's needed. No need to say a lot. Your actions will speak louder than words.

Fennel, cells replicate faster in the younger person so their cancer cells are likely to do the same. Very often, that will mean that the cells have spread faster by the time they are identified which means that it is harder to get under control.
Fifty percent of us are likely to suffer with cancer at some point in our lives. That is just a staggering figure but is probably exacerbated by the fact we live longer and you are statistically more likely to have cancer the older you get.
I think most people associate cancer with great pain, absolutely crippling treatment and loss of hair. This isn't always the case. Both my Aunt and MIL had breast cancer, both had mastectomies and both survived for many years afterwards. They didn't have terrible pain or therapies so they were very lucky.
From anecdotal evidence, it seems the more positive you are, the longer you will survive. However, from my experience the most positive person died and the most negative person survived so, who knows.

Chin up Brenda, give them all of the support you can, you will be fine once you are over the shock and must soldier on and do everything you can to keep up normality, talk about - not in hushed tones- as in the advert ,your brother is still himself ,youare still yourself and although 2 years sounds like a short time, new drugs and treatments are coming along all the time so be hopeful for the future and just love him and support the family as best you can . Again chin up !