children

I am sorry Brenda, you aren’t alone in feeling like this, I think many grandparents feel the same and it’s not helped when others seem to have frequent happy family time together.
I think adult children do seem very wrapped up in how busy they are, despite managing to spend/waste hours on social media which if they limited themselves would give them more time to get on with whatever keeps them so busy.
Try not to be upset about it, your children having sight problems have more difficulties than others but maybe FaceTiming /Skyping might help keep communication open.
Keep on with your craft activities and try to get out if you can. Yes some places are cliquey, it’s difficult, but keep on keeping on.

I have three grown up children. Two sons, about two hours drive away and my daughter, the only one with children, twenty minutes away. The boys visit reasonably regularly and I visit them too, but not so often. I see my daughter every week in addition to babysitting on average once a month. But at times through health, when I've needed help and support it is my boys who will drop everything and be there. My daughter saying she can't as she has her own family to look after now. It does hurt at times. But I have had a sensible and honest friend suggest that she can't cope with me being unwell, she is still young and still needs her mum to be the strong and the one who is there to offer her support. I hope as she matures more this will change, but I think my friend has a valid point and I just have to accept that is how it is.

I didn’t have my kids to look after me when I’m old or sick. That is NOT their responsibility
I really agree with this. It’s lovely when they want to do their bit but it isn’t their responsibility. In some ways, not expecting this seems to have the opposite effect.
I think most people find it hard to break into a clique. Maybe if you enjoy arts and crafts, you could join some classes which tend to be less cliquey or poetry groups which are getting very popular - lots of young people are now really into poetry so it is getting much more prevalent.

Brendaj.... I feel for you. I live close to both my kids...I make a point of always offering THEM help and support...I still see that as my job. My daughter is going through a separation at the moment and needs more support , as does my SIL , as he has no family but us! I promised his mum I’d ‘look out for him’ when she died 9 years ago and I always will! Why wouldn’t I...I am very fond of him. My own son doesn’t need much support as he’s unmarrued and lives alone with a wide circle of friends...sometimes needs a bit of cash....( as in v. low paid job) but not often. I rarely ask them for help as I like to be as independent as possible ...and I have an elderly husband to care for...but I know if I did they would come running . It’s easy because they live close. Try to be a little more independent and not ‘brood’ so much on your negative issues, try helping those less fortunate and don’t be always thinking what others can do for you. I’m guessing you were solely reliant on your husband for your identity...never s good thing. Get out there and see who needs YOUR help and/or company.

But Brenda you have got your health back, you had illnesses that you recovered from and its time now to put that behind you. You can take travel sickness tablet, I use Boots own as they don't make me sleepy. Visit you children or arrange to meet halfway. The first time will be the hardest but it should give you some confidence to try again. Deep breath and just do it.

BrendaJ, I feel much sympathy for your plight.

However, I am just going to raise the point that I think the world has changed so much that family ties, obligations, duty, love etc, seem to have gone out of the window.

Oh I am perfectly aware that we don't have children so they can look after us in our old age, but Brenda is clearly lonely, not very well and has limitations.

I am also aware that we cannot place obligations on our adult children.

However, as recently as the turn of the century I had a growing family, children with needs, a full time job, no husband or adult relatives nearby and did my utmost to ensure that my old Mum, lonely, fairly frail and in need of company, outings, hospital visits, help in the house etc, was looked after. I did my very best to ensure she was happy and felt cherished because - well, because I LOVED her and she had been a wonderful Mum to me.

It was as simple as that. I went the extra mile for her, which was a labour of love, exhausting, difficult and quite stressful. It came with the territory - family.

I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night if I'd neglected her needs.

Of course we all have different relationships with our folks, and yes, many of our grown children live some distance away, but if they don't intervene or care, who will?

It is not impossible to make arrangements to see each other. If you care, you do it if you possibly can.

Just saying. Mine may be an old fashioned view, but really, where is the love if Brenda's children don't enquire or show some concern and action?

I get the feeling many older folk feel quite invisible as far as their adult children are concerned. Is 'neglect' the term? I find it very sad.

I wish you well brendaj

I agree with day6.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, Brenda
Please try to find a little something that you can do, just for yourself.

My ‘children’ (mid and late forties) have recently been tested in this respect. I became ill and was in hospital for six weeks and still unwell now. My sons, who live 200 miles away, could not have been better. They dealt with all practicalities, including finding me a suitable flat to move into as it had become clear I could no longer cope with my largish, old house. They visited frequently, if necessary going to and from London by train in one afternoon.

I was and am impressed. I didn’t know they would be so good - they’ve never had to be before, as I have been quite independent. I’m really pleased.

The OP says her daughter works full time and is visually impaired/registered blind .Looks to me as if she has a lot on her own plate without trying to travel long distances to visit her mum.Surely mum could take some travel sickness pills and go visit them ,

You seem to have a lot of sadness and illhealth in your life which understandable colours everything.

Do you feel a bit low Bren? You have had a lot to deal with.

How about maybe starting with something simple like saying you would like to meet up, possibly half way?

Day6
A really lovely comment.

I live south of Abingdon, so Banbury is a bit too far, but we have called into the shopping sheds by the motorway once or twice on regular journeys north.

I tried Newbury this autumn, as it is just down the A34 from me but found it not as good as it looks, so it is back to Witney.

Brenda you have received so many insightful posts which may well be ringing many bells for you and of course you are the only one who will really know how close to home they are. You come over as very down in the dumps which is not surprising with all that has happened recently. You might need a tonic at the very least so do go and get checked out at the doctors.
From what you say it does seem that you need to try and get out and about more, join things, take up hobbies and interests and/or perhaps do some voluntary work. Your local church might be a good place to start as they often have all kinds of activities going on through the week. Even walking would help in different ways. Writing poetry is a lovely thing to be able to do and you may find a club dedicated to that where you would find a few kindred spirits. If you feel it necessary you could start within your own home to make it an attractive place to invite a neighbour in to and sometimes just having a look around and working out some small refurbishment in your home can be a real tonic of itself.
I do wonder how often you are in touch with your children by phone and how much interest you take in their lives and how much you know about their work, their friends, their homes etc. My children are a very long way off entailing many hours of travel for us all when we visit each other so the phone is really important in our family. The key to maintaining contact is little and often so that it is not burdensome, keeping it light and happy and being interested in them and pleased for their success and joys. Whilst it is not always easy you do need to be someone your young people are glad to talk to rather than them dreading another recitation of a catalogue of woes - which is something we all need to take care not to do!
This getting older business is not for the faint hearted nor for sissys! We all need to take stock regularly and work out what we ourselves need to do to improve our lives and not only get more enjoyment ourselves but spread it around too.
(((Hugs))) and to you and I hope you find your way forward.

Brendaj, I understand your disappointment but possibly you are expecting more than they are prepared to give. I second what other posters have said, that you need to focus on yourself and find interests, hobbies, hopefully friends, rather than expecting you children to sort out your loneliness, when they probably have very busy live. also, be a bit more proactive, if you can, although you do sound quite low the moment. As others have said, even small changes can make a big difference.

I agree with Dolcelatte. You are not going to be happy if you look to your children to sort your problems for you.

That's kids for you. Only ring/text if they want summat...usually money.

Brenda, the more I read your posts, the more I'm thinking possibly depression. How about a trip to the GP?

brenda I echo what oldbatty has said. I am currently not my usual busy self, laid low with a bad back. Having to sit about and do far less than usual has given time for me to " notice" other symptoms, think about potential problems in the family, the world etc. I have felt miserable because of it & am consciously trying to manage this negative attitude. I am not alone in this I am sure. But see your GP and talk about it.

I've found that those who've been reliant on their husbands then suddenly find themselves on their own find it difficult to adapt to being alone and all in all feel pretty hopeless and helpless and no amount of help etc from family can fill that void.
oldbatty suggested going to see the GP and I would take up that suggestion first and foremost rather than sit and dwell on things that you don't feel able to do or your health will suffer.
We're all different when left in such situations as the more independent ones amongst us can/do eventually forge ahead but obviously Brenda can't when she's feeling low. I wish you well and hope you take the advice.x

Brendaj, your explanation throws a different light on things. I think you are still grieving, not just of the loss of your husband, but the life you had with him. Is travelling difficult for your children if they are registered blind. If you only saw your children occasionally when your husband was alive, in their eyes, why would things change. As a therapist, I am a great believer in talking. People aren't mind readers, and although things seem obvious to us, it isn't always obvious to our children (especially if they are male.) Not being sexist here, but having sons things have to be spelt out! I often a family meal every now and again. Needs some work and juggling, but every one has a great time when we manage it.
It's not easy making friends as you get older, but maybe join a social group where the organiser can meet you and introduce you to people (Meetups are great), or maybe something on here to see if there are people in your area who would like to meet for a group coffee.
Allow yourself to grieve, maybe think of CRUSE bereavement support service, take your time, and be kind to yourself. x

Well said. Yellow. No disrespect to anyone but the stock answer seems to be join things, get out , go to U3A.

You have to be reasonably resilient to get yourself there, deal with the uncomfortable feeling of being the new kid on the block and find the motivation.

Perhaps small steps. Get your own wellbeing on track and contact the adult children. Try something low level like smiling at a neighbour or going to a cafe.

I do hope some replies have helped you- you do sound quite depressed. Would it be at all possible for you to move nearer your children? I know the south is expensive but think every avenue should be explored- where there’s a will there’s a way. Have you thought about joining the U3A? It is a good organisation- with lots of interest groups and you will meet many new friends.

I suggeested moving south too. At one point I was thinking of that. Yes, the properties down there are very expensive, but many of them are offerred on a special scheme at almost half price eg
"This property's price is reduced for over 60s as a lifetime lease purchase under our Home for Life Plan. Discounts range from 8.5% to 59% depending on age, personal circumstances and property criteria. The price shown is based on our average discount. "

I live 125 miles from my Mum, my dad died 20 years ago, and I only see her a handful of times in a year, always at Christmas. My brothers all live within 25 miles (one lives at home since his divorce) and one visits regularly the other not so much.

It is a fact that children grow up and have their own lives and families. My 3 are now all independent - I see/speak to my daughter regularly, not so much my 2 boys.

Do try and get out and do something like volunteering. You would be welcomed with open arms by most organisations!!

Brenda although I realise you miss your children I do not feel they are your problem, your grief and depression is your problem and you haven’t given any indication that you have had any professional help with this I think you desperately need some intervention and possible counselling or therapy of some kind
Your children are both registered blind, and they work full time, can you really expect them to regularly or even irregularly visit Do you ring them? do you initiate any contact? Do they have partners/ children ? Do they contact each other ?
My son has been in NZ 21 years i miss him but I m afraid you have to suck it up I ring every Sunday morning just to keep involved I only see him about every four or five years
If you can sort your grief and unhappiness out then you would have more energy and umph to sort your relationships out without feeling they are totally in the wrong
You must have done an exceptional job to bring up two children with disabilities to fly the nest and be self sufficient responsible people
Rejoice in thats