children

They can't be at anyone's beck and call and shouldn't be expected to be so. Work and their own family commitments obviously come first or whatever else life dictates.
We've had our lives let them have theirs. They'll soon come running should they need us.

I agree completely ... we honestly don't know background history.

Day6 Spot on ...particularly the quote: "I just don't get the "They have grown up. They can ignore their lonely mother now because they are busy and you shouldn't expect them to be involved in your life, even if you are sad" response, I really don't. I don't get that either!!

Day6 that is such a good post, and I agree with you wholeheartedly.

" Brendaj Mon 29-Oct-18 13:32:39

Ithe one thing that i have always dreaded that they will properly end up totally blind. and i won't be around to help them anymore."
Brenda TG I haven't had to face such problems. But from what you say about your children they have learned well how to cope up to now and should be prepared for the future.

You are thinking of what might be and what has been. Maybe try to think about now and seriously go to the GP.

Honestly Brenda, I am full of admiration for you.

Day6 - I so agree with your comments. No matter how busy we are, there is always time to make a five minute call to check in and see how things are. It is just common courtesy!

The thing is I do this also!

I mean to visit various family members more. but life just gets in the way.

I work during the week and then the weekends are usually spent trying to catch up with household stuff, food shop and my daughters activities. By the time I get round to sorting something, it's Monday again!

There may also be the side that they think you could do more to see them. Do you actively contact them at all or try to arrange meeting up? I know you said you don't really holiday together, but possibly organise a long weekend break somewhere half way for you all?

Ithe one thing that i have always dreaded that they will properly end up totally blind. and i won't be around to help them anymore.

thank you for your comments that I have done well to bring them up so they are both independent.when they were younger i always tried to treat them as they we're normal what ever that is and not disabled which in the end helped them.

As lulu says it is a strange old world ! I am truly amazed at what goes on in some families and how some people are so very insular and others are very aware of what is going on around them. We are so blessed that our children are very switched on to everything and everybody around them and can only put that down to how many things like accidents and illnesses have occurred in our family circle. When I trotted it up it was pretty horrific!
I also have geen thinking about various twigs on our family tree and wonder if part of the problem for Brenda lies in the fact that her children are blind. One of my cousins was blind but he functioned very well, went to university, became a lawyer, moved to London, commuted into work on the tube, got marrIed etc. Emotionally though he just wasn't totally there and found it difficult to react appropriately because he didn't pick up on the signals given by facial expressions and since he was never expected to do anything anyway then he didn't. He did pretty well but he could never be described as a caring person. This is a learned behaviour which requires observed signals for 'clues'. He did have a whacky sense of humour and he learned how to make people laugh which helped him through life for eample by defusing the awkwardness felt by people who met him for the first time and discovered that he was blind.
I think Brenda has been amazing to help her children to function so well that they have flown the nest and are independent. Now she needs to apply all her skills to her own life and work out her best way forward. In addition she needs to be communicating to her children that life will also become challenging for them too as they get older as she is now discovering because of 'xyz'. I think I would have concerns for my children if they were in that situation anyway. It is how you do it that makes the difference and that is a great challenge! If you use a light touch Brenda it may suddenly dawn on them that you also have needs and may need them now. It can be a good thing to be needed so long as it doesn't become a burden.

I think it is often very difficult for our AC to comprehend old (er) age and the problems, feelings and emotions that come with it. I did see a lot of my mum over her last 20 years particularly but I know now that I didn't realise the half of it. Brendaj you do say you speak to your children on the phone, a lot more than some people, and that is all I do with my DD living far away surely that shows some kind of care. Knowing what we know now we have to let our AC get on with their lives and do our best with ours. Its a strange old life one lot of people would like their AC to leave home and get on with it and others wishing they would show up and give support.

It is not your adult children's job to be there for you. They are not responsible for your happiness.

I totally agree that we cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness, and that applies to our relationship with our adult children. However when we untie the apron strings do we also give them the message that their parents don't matter any more?

I find it very strange that Brenda's adult children are not aware of how she feels or have tried to suggest solutions. Although they cannot be there they could be giving her the advice and support we Grans are giving her here.

Couldn't they?

Sometimes all you need to know is that you matter, and your offspring care. It isn't a burden to love your ageing parents is it?

They cannot travel to be by their mother's side in her sadness but they could be talking through what is going on in her life - and theirs and maybe making plans which include her, now and again.

My children have lives of their own (and I am glad of it and would have it no other way) but I remain part of their lives even though they are busy. Again, I recognise that our relationship with our families are different, but many of us were busy full time workers too when our children were small. Our generation tended to check on their parents' keep in touch and know what was going on in their lives.

I agree, if we possibly can we have to row our own boat in later life and try to remain self reliant and make some sort of life for ourselves - I have no query with that, I just don't get the "They have grown up. They can ignore their lonely mother now because they are busy and you shouldn't expect them to be involved in your life, even if you are sad" response, I really don't.

keffie, how cruel that sounds to be told that was why you were born. How lovely that you can see that this is not the responsibility of your children. Well done for taking a bad situation with anxiety and getting management strategies in place. To quote the younger members of my family, "Respect". ?

It is not your adult children's job to be there for you. They are not responsible for your happiness. We live in a world today where our adult children have to work full time wuth families because of the cost of living and mortgages etc. It may not be right however thst is how it is.

I see your post has living in the problems and not the answers. I too have Ill health and social anxiety. It does not stop me living life. I have learnt to put management techniques in place for it.

I too lost my husband this year so I know how that is. Two of our four live abroad. The other two are local.

I accept they have there own lives. In fact I have actively ensured they live there own lives. Our children are through us. Not of us and they are not there to see to our needs.

I was born to look after my late mom in her old age (Yes I was told it too) as my late father and mom's family were alot older than mom.

I did my duty of birth. This amongst other family dysfunctionalities entwined set me up for alot or emotional problems.

I know I sound hard however especially with your daughter being blind as well I think you need to cut your daughter some slack, make the effort and build a life.

Maybe even talk to her about moving nearer to make both your lives easier. I do wish you well. You so need to take matters in your own hands.

Check out your not depressed, maybe get some counselling 're the loss of your husband and look at local activities

Does your sister live near by Brenda ? I was so sorry to hear of her husband being diagnosed with cancer. You will be a much valued support to her because you have the experience to know what kind of support to give since you have been through a similar scenario and it may well bring you closer together.

You only speak about your daughter what about the other child ? Is that a son ?
Things change every year and advice you were given 20 years ago may be different now and it’s everyones choice whether to take the advice or not Brenda you can’t keep looking back with regrets you need to get professional help so you can learn to look forward I m sure your adult children love you and care about you but they can’t ‘save’ you, only you can do that
Can you invite them both up for Christmas ?

Please Brenda try the doctors as a first port if call. Try not to think about what might have been

bluebelle my children do ring me. and no my daughter does not have any children because she was told by Moorfields eye hospital that there was a good change her children would have her eye disease .but she has spoken to two of her friends who have the same disease who went on to have children and none of them have the eye disease and have normal sight.I might have been a grandma you never know.

Brenda although I realise you miss your children I do not feel they are your problem, your grief and depression is your problem and you haven’t given any indication that you have had any professional help with this I think you desperately need some intervention and possible counselling or therapy of some kind
Your children are both registered blind, and they work full time, can you really expect them to regularly or even irregularly visit Do you ring them? do you initiate any contact? Do they have partners/ children ? Do they contact each other ?
My son has been in NZ 21 years i miss him but I m afraid you have to suck it up I ring every Sunday morning just to keep involved I only see him about every four or five years
If you can sort your grief and unhappiness out then you would have more energy and umph to sort your relationships out without feeling they are totally in the wrong
You must have done an exceptional job to bring up two children with disabilities to fly the nest and be self sufficient responsible people
Rejoice in thats

I live 125 miles from my Mum, my dad died 20 years ago, and I only see her a handful of times in a year, always at Christmas. My brothers all live within 25 miles (one lives at home since his divorce) and one visits regularly the other not so much.

It is a fact that children grow up and have their own lives and families. My 3 are now all independent - I see/speak to my daughter regularly, not so much my 2 boys.

Do try and get out and do something like volunteering. You would be welcomed with open arms by most organisations!!

I suggeested moving south too. At one point I was thinking of that. Yes, the properties down there are very expensive, but many of them are offerred on a special scheme at almost half price eg
"This property's price is reduced for over 60s as a lifetime lease purchase under our Home for Life Plan. Discounts range from 8.5% to 59% depending on age, personal circumstances and property criteria. The price shown is based on our average discount. "

I do hope some replies have helped you- you do sound quite depressed. Would it be at all possible for you to move nearer your children? I know the south is expensive but think every avenue should be explored- where there’s a will there’s a way. Have you thought about joining the U3A? It is a good organisation- with lots of interest groups and you will meet many new friends.

Well said. Yellow. No disrespect to anyone but the stock answer seems to be join things, get out , go to U3A.

You have to be reasonably resilient to get yourself there, deal with the uncomfortable feeling of being the new kid on the block and find the motivation.

Perhaps small steps. Get your own wellbeing on track and contact the adult children. Try something low level like smiling at a neighbour or going to a cafe.