children

TRAIN tickets :/

Times have changed. I worked full time, single mum, had 4 children, my mum lived 14 miles away.I always saw my mum weekly, did her shopping. Had annual leave and spent time with her. I was bought up with lots of aunts and uncles. Weekly visits where everyone met up at my Nan's. Brought up to care about family and elderly relatives, and helped care for my aunt, who had no children until she died. Nowadays I think it's all about 'me', my own children included. Yes, they live busy loves, but so did I. Did we go wrong somewhere, maybe we put too much emphasis on our children's needs? I was 'seen and not heard', nowadays young children dominate the time you spend at their houses (my own grandchildren included). There must be a middle balance? You do feel 'redundant'. My boys are pretty good, but I don't ask for much....and maybe this is where we go wrong?????

Yes the explanation throws a different light on things! Your children are registerd blind(which i know doesnt stop people from living their lives)but still- if you dont have same then you get travel sick then yes it does sound a bit selfish not to just take travel sickness pills& get on a train or coach& go to see them- its bound to be easier- (unless maybe they have partners whom are not such afflicted who drive maybe?)I had blood clots on my lungs which led to them finding a deep vein thrombosis which is still forming clots so am on pills for it lifelong(im only 55)i also have bad osteoarthritis but i dont let any of it stop me visiting my other adult kids-who live 76 miles away on trains &buses till one of my younger sons passed driving test last year.

Brendaj, our son lives ten miles away and although we pick up the GC every week we rarely see him and his wife socially but he does turn up if there is an emergency. Maybe they don’t realise how ill and / or lonely you are and perhaps you just need to tell them? Given the issues they have to deal with in their own lives perhaps you have to give them some leeway and come to an arrangement about meeting up? I hope you can sort something out

How about sending them a cheery invitation on a nice card, inviting them for lunch on a specific date - not Christmas, a time when they're not likely to have much on. If they accept, go to a supermarket and get some posh food in that needs little or no preparation. And whether they come or not, don't guilt trip them! I hope it works out OP ?

Your family can't be your social life especially as they have a difficulty to overcome which it sounds as if they have. Your illness makes it difficult for you to travel. That is just the way it is. Do you keep in contact by telephone? I suffer from depression and anxiety although I am ok at the moment. It doesn't draw people to you for understandable reasons and you have to think about how friendly and chatty you are when you speak to your children.
Maybe later today you can give them a call and just have a chat but always make it the kind of call that you would like to receive. They may be aware of your loneliness but not have the capacity to deal with it with things that are happening in their own lives. There is no point mourning for the family life that you wanted to have and you have to accept what is not going to be possible.
It is very difficult when you are ill to get above things and I agree with Cornergran that you need to break things down and not try to cope with everything at once. It sounds as if you need to rest. There is nothing wrong with watching TV or spending time on line and filling your time with gentle pursuits until you recover your health a bit. This can take some time. Age UK has a telephone befriending service and they seem to be reasonably local. It might be worth one call. Nothing lost if you don't like it.

They should call you at least once a week and visit at least once a month.

It’s up to you to discuss and agree this with your children.

These days too many of us subcontract our care to the state.

I have a guest house and because where it is (Plymouth) has Navy and Army bases lots of families from other areas end up settling here.
We have quite a lot of Mums & Dads, Nans & Grandads staying with us that are down to visit their children and grandchildren from often quite a distance away (one last week from Scotland. They stay at a guest house because their isn’t room at their families houses. I know there is obviously a cost involved but it is nice for them to visit and also have a bit of a holiday themselves.
My youngest daughter is in Australia though a bit harder to visit.

I realise my situation is not the same as yours Brendaj. My son lives in Australia. Where would we be without Skype - great invention. We tend to visit each other every 2-3 years but age is catching up with us and our travel over there but, .... there’s always Skype which we do regularly. Please look into it.

Ive got three sons no daughters thought hey would keep in touch but don really. One son does and the other lives half a mile away just works all be time so don't see him or his family unless we go. Third son lives few miles away building his business up and looks after his family well. Get occasional call and visits birthdays etc my husband and I are still working so just get on with it feel it more at this time of year with Christmas coming but it's us that makes the effort not them just the way it is. You take care get out there and join something I know it will be hard but first steps. X

Would you be able to move nearer to your children? I don't mean right next door but closer, so travel to see you would be more viable for them to do? Sometimes you can find a house swop or council house/flat swop etc so you don't have to go through the stress of selling a property? Can you keep in contact via Facebook and the like? Not the same as a visit I know but at least you can tell each other about your day/week. I would say look for work as a volunteer if you are healthy enough to do such a role yourself, there are lots of opportunities about and some can even be done from home. It would help you feel more valued and who knows what friendships you might make as a result.

Hello brendaj. I totally understand your feelings. I have 3 daughters, 1 in north London, 1 in SE London and the other in Cumbria and we are in Somerset. I was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago and nearly died after the first chemo session, but none of them came to see me. Infact, after my hospital treatment was completed, 2 of them complained that I wasn't helping them enough! My DH thinks it is the facebook generation that have become very self-centered. This doesn't help you at all other than perhaps to understand why they are like this. And yes, I totally agree that moving to be nearer them probably isn't the answer. I started volunteering - it's different from working as, if not well, I don't feel guilty about cancelling. But it helps with your feelings of self-worth and may help you make friends too. My friends really help me when I need to moan, or need help with hospital appointments etc.
It is really tough and I do so empathise. Oh, just one idea to help, possibly - I do a lot of craft stuff, knitting, crochet and sewing for the family and friends and now for our food bank - it keeps me occupied and gives me a good feeling when I finish something! Lots of love!

Brendaj. Were the children able to get to your husband’s funeral? Do they ever visit each other?

I understand how you feel - it is very common to be depressed after shingles let alone your other health problems. However, it sounds as though you will have to make an effort if you want to see them. You can buy tablets or wrist band for motion sickness, I understand they work quite well. Depending on where you live, and your finances, could you get a flight to Gatwick to cut the journey time to visit them? If not there is a new train sevice direct to Brighton from Peterborough. Now that it is out of season, can you afford to stay in a hotel near one of the children, and perhaps the other will visit, if not, can you then travel and stay near the other one - say for 2 nights near each or one if money is a problem. You might find a cheap B&B or something on BNB. I have a similar problem with visiting a son and family in Sussex, who have no spare room, and I have to use a hotel nearby. As I travel to visit three different relations I have a senior railcard which makes it cheaper.
However the travelling does take it out of me and it is getting harder and taking more out of me each time. Although it may not be easy, if you can manage it, do try and visit them. I doubt if their lives are easy either.

My Mum lives very close but when we visit her conversation is all about her and her various complaints coupled with a lengthy diatribe of my faults. In between visits I get calls which go on about how nobody wants to see her and She doesn’t understand why I can’t find more time for her. I grit my teeth so I don’t tell her what a thankless task it is. Her saving grace, her sense of humour is seemingly leaving her and every suggestion for a more fulfilling life is met with an excuse. If I lived miles away, I would find it hard to visit.
Without meaning to be unkind, do you think that maybe you’ve got so lost in your problems that you are not hearing the difficulties they have? It is such an easy trap to fall into, particularly if you are lonely. Maybe if you could find a way to work on your anxiety to have more of an interesting life at your end to chat about, asked more about their lives and things were a little more upbeat, you might find they want to make more of an effort to visit.

There are companies that offer house sitting services. They usually involve animals so if you feel like looking after a dog or too you could get free accommodation. I think they pay a bit too but not a fortune.
I’m not sure about this travel sickness, I’m sick on a mill pond but it has never stopped me going on a boat. Take the tablets. They work.

Mellowyellow I could have written your post but nowadays AC dont seem to even think about their parents let alone their aunts and uncles.
I am the one who has moved away although I do have a son living 75 miles away from us. We see him maybe twice a year because we make the effort to. But even when I was here on my own he never thought to ring or message me to see if I was ok.
We are coming to England for some their birthdays next month (6) but we will be staying in a hotel. Only 1 DD is likely to invite us to have a meal at their house all the others expect us to take them out for meals and pay for it all.
But my situation is totally different to the OP's. I do think you should communicate more with your children as unless you tell them how you are feeling they won't know. Try to be more determined and make the effort to travel. We can only change ourselves not anyone else.

I think there are only 2 distances away from our children, nearby and not nearby. We either see them 'often' or someone has to organise a special journey. My dad used to ring his parents every night in 50s and 60s to check they were ok. My sister used to check on Mum everyday by visiting her down the road herself, or one of her children would drop in when passing. However both these routines started before they were necessary due to bereavement or illness. Once the communication chain is broken, someone has to go out of their way to repair it. And it's never too late to try.

One of my sons lives just 5 minutes away from me and he hasn't been to see me since 29th April. The other two live 25 miles away and I see them regularly.

Brendaj

I wonder how they would feel if one of their partners died and you said you were too busy to visit or make a phone call during the few years post funeral.
It sounds careless to me. How many miles away is Brighton from your home. Have you thought about a senior railcard (£30 but can use Tesco points) OR a National Express senior card both of which give 1/3 off fares?
I do hope you find the courage to get out more and perhaps visit them after arranging a date.
Sitting indoors and mulling things over can be dispiriting.

Lovely to see our children but they are not there to be our companions - we need to have our own friends, hobbies and lives - I still have my husband so don't know what it would be like if on my own - I hope that I wont depend on children and grandchildren to make me happy and content

I know it's hard and I feel for you but if you could just give going out, going to any event on your own it honestly will get easier and before you know it you will be encouraging others too! It's hard not to come higher up our children's priority list but that's very common and thousands of older, lone parents are having to find ways round it. Ask if you can visit. If they put you off it doesn't mean they don't care but are busy & engrossed in their lives. So ask again - say for one night? Or stay in a B&B nearby and pop in! If you wait for them to offer & they don't, you will just get more resentful so make the first move & perhaps it will break the ice & establish a new pattern. Be brave! Very best of luck! xx

It might also be worth investigating charities who have people to visit older people who have no family around them. It might just take some of the angst out of life if you had someone to talk to you and actively wanted to visit you. That would at least give you a bit of company until the time you want to brave the world at large.

I am lucky all 3 of my children who have moved out live within 10 minutes of me, the other son is still at home. I see or speak to 2 of them nearly every day, the other son not so much but he is nearby. I think you reap what you sow. That’s why we are such a close family. I have health issues and know that they are there if needed, but on the other side I am there if they need me. I do not complain and make any chats all about me, which is the way to drive family away. Most importantly I do NOT expect anything from them. I didn’t have my kids to look after me when I’m old or sick. That is NOT their responsibility as you seem to infer. Family love is unconditional.
You need to make the effort to contact them more, but do not make it all about you. You seem to think that they should be there for you, but that is not their problem!! To be honest reading your thread you come across as a needy person who expects too much from your family. It is not their duty to look after you.
Please try and get out to clubs, or anywhere else, that you can meet people. Do remember though that everyone has their own problems and do not make conversations all about you.

I have tried to make friends but it isn't easy. i find that clubs are clicky. people just go an sit with there friends and do not want to mix with other people.do other people find the same thing?
I write poems and have put them on all kinds of everything website.they have had 216 views so far. which has amazed me.did not think they would get one.I also like drawing and painting.but all things do not make up for the loss I feel inside.
another thing I miss is we had a car so we used to go out every day even if it was just for coffee. We had booked to go on holiday on Monday but I went to his funeral instead.really miss our days out together now.

thank you for replying to .me. I do have hobbies etc but nothing fills the emptiness I feel inside from losing my husband.
i do not expect my children to come and visit me every weekend but if I say aren't you coming to see me.they just say it is hard to for them to fit me in. just make me think that they are to wrapped up in their own lives to spare me any of their time. the reason I say this is because I miss them both so much. even though I have said this to both of them it has not made any difference to them just wish they had a different attitude to me.