Needing help

Dear pink jj27. If you would like a Meetup in your area just say you will be in an M&S or suchlike on a particular day and see who turns up. It's very easy to do and I have made some great friends that way.

Polkasue - it has only been a year since you had two loved ones die so your grief may well still be quite raw - it is understandable to have those type of feelings, to reflect and to miss things your memory throws up. I can only echo some of the comments that others have left, but do know that on Gransnet you will nearly always find someone who can relate to what is going on in your life, or in your head, so I am glad you are here, sharing, and hope that the moral support will help to lift a little of that loneliness

Oh, I do know how you feel, it is awful isn't it? My dear DH died in February, but I was sort of half expecting it, but not quite so soon. I have made myself go out and do things: I go to yoga one morning then have coffee with some of the group afterwards; I have joined an over 50s social club which meets one morning every other week; I go to the cinema a lot; also signed up with a local group for over 50s I found on fb which has frequent meet-ups for coffee or lunch; I am a season ticket holder for our local rugby team and go to all their home matches; I am also joining a walking group next week. The thing I have found is that everyone is so welcoming and friendly. I still come home to an empty house though and you never really get used to it. Weekends are the worst so I always try and plan something, as DH and I would usually go out one day for lunch or a drink. It is a case of sink or swim, and I do not intend to drown.

I too lost my husband of 47 years just over a year ago. The funeral director advised me to "say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it" and this has worked for me. I have several widowed friends who have been so supportive, and am very grateful to have such a lovely family and good home. You don't get over a death, you just learn to live a new and different life. I find I can't do any of the things I did with my husband, as it lust makes me sad. So much good advice on this thread. "Move forward" is my motto.

"Just" not "lust"!!!

I can't believe how many of you have taken the time to reply. Thank you so much. Your empathy and understanding is a real comfort to me although I am so sad for the loss that so many of you have shared with me. My heart goes out to you all. It's hard not to sound selfish when talking about what I feel - but I never imagined that it would be this hard. Thank you again. You are kind and wonderful women. xxx

You are doing brilliantly bluesapphire!
It is this question of the “new life” that bothers me, I am not yet ready or sure that I want one. Does that sound silly?
Not talking about living in the past but the “new life” without DH is an intimidating prospect. The early weeks, while dreadful to live through were easier in a way as not much was expected of me. Now I realise it is all down to me and that independence is a scary place.
I am normally an independent and competent person and always thought I would cope perfectly well and in a way I do, at least outwardly but I don’t feel ready to leave those years we had together behind.
Confused? Perhaps I am!
(PS did you see my PM?)

MawBroom, I so understand what you are saying. It almost seems disloyal to move on. I don't want a 'new life,' I want my old one back. I want to go out for Sunday lunch with my husband. I want to do all the things we did before . . . but I know that I can't. On his birthday, last week, the light when on in his bathroom and I'm sure that's a sign that he is still with me in spirit.

I, too, am an independent person and have had to cope with all the financial problems, plus become a land lady and it's all very dauting, not having done anything like this before.

I miss everything about my old life and even though my husband has not been gone a year yet, I don't think I'll ever get used to being a widow.

Bless you, it could be worse... no body making you tea because they don’t love you...!its hard & horrible but you were loved.. you have that. Xxx

You don’t get it skinnylizzie do you?

Until you have walked in the steps of someone who has suffered the death of a husband, it cannot be understood how deep that loss goes. It leaves a deep void that cannot ever be filled and yes, I do miss that cup of tea that he would make for me. It is the little things that cut the deepest.

Dear Venus, this sounds over simplistic but have you thought about getting a Teasmade? I know it wouldn't be the same but my mother found it helped. Its lights used to come on and it hissed when it was ready.
The other thing is perhaps getting some bereavement counselling. Our local hospice offers that service.
All best wishes to you.

Hi Loopyloo, I'm sounding out one example, so although it may sound simplistic, this is just part of a much bigger picture.

I actual fact I do have a Teasmade which is kept in my bedroom. However, I'm thinking of other times in the day when my husband would make me a cuppa. Teasmade just doesn't come up to the mark for that. I miss him in all sorts of different ways when he was there to advise and help.

I have thought about bereavent counselling but my area seems not fall near where there is that facility in reach.

So sorry to read your post. I dread the day my hubby goes, I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t pretend to know how you are feeling, but send my deepest condolences and hope others who are sadly in a similar position can help you xx

Thanks MagicWriter, it does help to talk to people in the same situation as they know how you are feeling.

I'm lucky to have a family around me but the void is always present for them as well as me. We always have an empty chair for him. I think acceptance is the way forward but I'm not there yet. Maybe, in the future, I will.

I was speaking to a ninety year old man recently. He was matter of fact in what he said that 'Someone has to go first'.

I hope your husband has many years to be with you. x x x