Needing help

When you go out, leave a radio tuned to your favourite station on and a lamp on a timer that comes on when it gets dark - it takes the edge off coming in to an empty house. It's also a bit of a burglar deterrent.
Use whatever little practical bits help as you adjust - Teasmade, U3A, Cruse, an occasional wallow through the old photos when you are ready.
Be gentle and kind with yourself and let others be too. Your husband would not have wanted to be forgotten but he would not want you to be miserable either.

Hello All,
My first time posting but have browsed the comments for a while.
At the risk of sounding like a perpetual victim, my life has transpired that I am alone (one married son who has his own issues & don't want to burden him); sibling dynamics are poor due to appalling parents (thankfully deceased); have struggled to make friends all my life; lonely at times since retirement but perversely only want company on my terms (nice, warm, same hygiene standards etc) and the volunteering route (dog fostering, befriending, school volunteer) didn't pan out for a variety of reasons, further knocking a fragile confidence.
I am envious even of the bereavement when I read 'died after 40plus years married' (I managed 5 before he ran off with a friend whilst I was pregnant); jealous of the lovely childhoods most of you seem to have enjoyed with loving parents and close siblings - my closest brother died & my nephew won't reply to my contact, except grudgingly. I have yet to meet my new great-niece and my cards/gifts get no response .
Thank you for listening.

Many of us on here know how you feel. It's rotten being widowed and somehow you have to get used to being alone for much of the time. There's no-one to do nothing with and that feels incredibly sad. Just one year has gone by for you so I'd call it still early days so be gentle with yourself. I try to remember the good times of which I'm sure there were many.

Dear wellwalked while I have much sympathy for your situation I cannot read a sentence like I am envious of the beteavement without feeling both deeply hurt, saddened, even angry.
Nowhere has anybody claimed lovely childhoods, close relationships with siblings or even that everything in the garden of their marriage was rosy.
To see your life partner suffer, to lose him after months or years of possibly 24/7 caring, to face one’s old age knowing that you will never feel that comforting presence again.
I can’t go there, it is just too painful.
I do hear the sadness in your post, failed relationships, personal unhappiness and yes, loneliness and I wish you happier days ahead. It sounds as if some sort of counselling might help you, even talking things over with Samaritans who are not merely there for the suicidal, but will provide a sympathetic listening ear.
But don’t “env” anybody their loss, please.

I have been a widow for 21 years after the sudden death of my husband, I was 51. Now it seems like another lifetime, as my life has changed so much, retirement then grandchildren. Things will improve but it will take time, you are still raw and hurting at the moment. I thought I could never be happy again, but asked to feel content with my life which I think I have now achieved.

Sorry about my typos
“ bereavement” of course and “envy”
sometimes it is hard to see clearly through the tears.

What sadness, Polkasue. Loss is like having a grenade thrown into the middle of your life. There is always much 'excitement' (of the worst possible kind) and when that all dies down, and what passes for normal life has to be picked up again, that time is as hard as the bereavement. I hope that small threads of a new life begin for you soon, and that you will feel better as time passes. Wise words from a dear friend who lost her father when she was young; that we owe it to our lost beloved ones to do the best we can to be happy; they would never want to see us weep for too long .

I’m so sorry sue. I hope you can find ways to cope and will always come on here if you feel down or just want to have a virtual hug. So many on here in the same position so there will be a lot of understanding and support.
Wellwatched I think maybe you are not reading all the posts about childhood, loneliness etc. So many of us have had/are having really tough times in one way or another. Maybe when you get to know us a bit better you’ll realise that very few of us have a bed of roses ...

I lost my DH very suddenly 10 years ago next month but it is still hard to return to an empty apartment ( had to sell the family home shortly after he died ).I still miss having someone to make a coffee (don’t like tea);and having someone to make a coffee or a meal for. I do go out for coffee and/ or lunch with girlfriends and I belong to twoU3As -a godsend! When we lose someone we have no choice but to try and build a new life and carry on,but it is not easy. Hopefully Polkasue you will eventually be able to move on and make some new friends to go out with. It won’t be the same ,but it does help to put some sort of meaning back into your own life.

My condolences to all others who have lost a much loved husband/partner. My husband died almost 8 years ago at the age of 62. We had retired to France as that was his wish, never imagining that either of us would be left alone to cope with the beurocracy of dealing with death abroad. We had intended to come home before that ever happened.
Grief affects us all in different ways for however long it lasts. In my case I can honestly say that, although I will always miss him, there is still a life to live albeit a different one to the one we had planned. With time the awful memories of his illness, treatment and death have faded and the happy times are what I tented to think about.
I recommend counselling and staying busy. I was helped tremendously by an online group for widows/widowers called WayUp (way-up.co.uk). A group who truly understand what you are experiencing. You can join in the online discussions and the get togethers all over the UK, or just read the inspiring posts of others, maybe even offer support for those newly widowed.
Sending you all my best wishes.

I'm not a widow but my mother was widowed suddenly when I was in mid teens. She was devastated, relied so much on my father because of her anxieties and depression. She lived for another 10 years but felt she had nothing to live for, our domestic circumstances had changed for the worse, she was very lonely and unhappy. So, although this is second-hand empathy in a way, I do sympathise with you, and I hope in time you feel less raw and draw comfort from the many happy memories you must have.

Sending a virtual hug xxx Some suggested MeetUp. I think this will get you out. So many things offered...something for everyone. You just have to put your interests in and distance willing to travel and they will send you information about different groups.

so much good advice here. I am not in this situation myself but I nearly cried reading your post, it made me so sad for you. I can only think of one thing which I don't think has been mentioned and that is that you could get a dog or a cat? They do add a presence in your home. I used to have a wonderful cat and he would always come and jump on my knee for a cuddle when I got home from work. Other than that all I can do is tell you to hang in there and send you some

I’m so sorry Polskasue. I can sympathise as my husband died suddenly when we were 51 two years ago at the end of this month. It was a few months short of our 30th wedding anniversary. I do miss him terribly but am lucky to have my daughter, her partner and my two grandsons (who have been born since then) living with me. My son, his wife and my granddaughter live on the same street. They keep me going, even more so since I’ve recently been diagnosed with breast cancer.
It doesn’t get easier you just find ways of coping.

My husband died suddenly when I was 60 and I have missed him dreadfully, but a short time ago another man unexpectedly entered my life. Reading these posts makes me realise how lucky I am, at 72, to have found a new happiness in my life.

So sorry for your loss - I lost my lovely husband twenty years ago and still miss him popping his head around the living room door and asking if I wanted a cup of tea as he was making himself a coffee. It is those sort of things I miss most, the ordinary everyday things. Although I have come to terms with the loss it doesn't stop me missing things. Like you I have grandchildren (born some years after their Granddad died) and they do help fill the huge gap he left behind. I have volunteered for a local charity for a while now and really appreciate it when I get a cup of tea made for me by one of the other volunteers, many of us are on our own and I think we help each other when things can get a bit too much to cope with. One of my friends takes a small flask of hot water, teabags, milk and a nice cup and saucer up with her when she goes to bed and makes her first cup of the day with them when she wakes up - I know it doesn't make up for personal touch of your Hubby bringing it to you but it might help a little x

Sorry to hear of your sad loss. I lost my DH just over 2 years ago, when we had just moved house so didn't know any neighbours to call to help when he collapsed and died. It is very hard and the sharpness of your pain will be with you for a while. Many different emotions pop up at unexpected moments, but it is all a normal part of grief. I found help, love and support from family and friends. They still put up with me having a weepy moment. I am sure yours love you very much. I realise it is not the same as the love of your DH, but lean on them if you can.

Oh my goodness - you are grieving, and why wouldn't you..... how about asking your GP and /or local hospice about bereavement support / groups. It sounds as if you have been so busy supporting your family you have, perhaps, forgotten that you, too, deserve support - my thoughts are with you

I'm sorry for your loss . Have you thought about putting the radio on before you leave the house ? That way you have something to come home to.

Sue I'm so sorry you are suffering two such sad bereavements - we expect our parents to leave us at some point (doesn't make it any easier) but somehow losing your partner so suddenly must be so hard to cope with. I have no words of wisdom - all those on here who have suffered the same loss have offered very good advise. You need time to grieve so you need to be gentle with yourself and I hope in time you find some positives to look forward to.

Wellwalked your post sounds so bitter and Maw's response is understandable. It does sound as though you need some help though so if you could maybe start a new thread asking for advice you might find some who have been through similar experiences and able to empathise. Grief envy is definitely not healthy.

wellwalked I think perhaps if you are looking for support or want to talk about your difficult situation, you should start a new thread. Your own situation bears no real resemblance or relevance to the OPs post about needing support as she is seriously struggling with bereavement after a long term marriage.

And I also think that you need to take a long hard look at your envy of other's bereavement and take that particular emotion in hand!

I am sorry about your difficult situation

Have the grandkids for sleepovers, they help us get thro anything ?

My condolences to you. I lost my husband ten month's ago after nearly 52 years of marriage, and not a day goes bye that I don't miss him. I belong to a dance class and two other ladies lost their husbands within months of each other. We go on days out together and it helps because we each know what the other is going through. I don't think I'll ever get used to the lonliness of coming home to an empty house and the loss of the companionship. Life has to go on. I'm downsizing to a flat which is another trauma. The best advice I can give is to try and keep busy. Try and find somewhere where there are people in a similar situation to yourself. It helps to talk to them. I wish you well. Take comfort in your family also.

Polk I am in your situation too. My late husband unexpectedly passed away in March. We do/did live an active life and love travelling. I am fortunate I have alot of family and friends around to support me.

Our second son is still at home so that helps. I do live an active life and a spiritual life. I am involved in alot of service to others which helps me too.

It takes time to adjust. I have accepted I will always grieve.

My husband is my soul mate and best friend. My earthly body grieves yet he as not left me spiritually. His love and strength is with us always.

I am going back to outr spiritual home this weekend for the first time since he passed. It is going to be hard. I will never look forward. I will always move forward with my husband in spirit.

Our loved ones don't leave us. There essence is always with us. Death ended my husband life. It didn't end our marriage. He is my one and only.

There is much more I can say. I am merely sharing my experience with you.

It's ok to feel as you are. It's ok to grieve. It doesn't get better. It gets different. I know earthly body will always slip in and out of tears and sadness.

I think it is about acceptance of where you are, maybe getting some outside help through groups such as have been suggested.

If you have the room at home and feel comfortable with it maybe explore letting a room

Love and virtual hugs xx

There are no words. Such tragic loss will take a long time for your grief to lighten. Count your blessings with your family and friends and in life's best things you will always remember with love your dear husband and father.