Needing help

Thanks MagicWriter, it does help to talk to people in the same situation as they know how you are feeling.

I'm lucky to have a family around me but the void is always present for them as well as me. We always have an empty chair for him. I think acceptance is the way forward but I'm not there yet. Maybe, in the future, I will.

I was speaking to a ninety year old man recently. He was matter of fact in what he said that 'Someone has to go first'.

I hope your husband has many years to be with you. x x x

So sorry to read your post. I dread the day my hubby goes, I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t pretend to know how you are feeling, but send my deepest condolences and hope others who are sadly in a similar position can help you xx

Hi Loopyloo, I'm sounding out one example, so although it may sound simplistic, this is just part of a much bigger picture.

I actual fact I do have a Teasmade which is kept in my bedroom. However, I'm thinking of other times in the day when my husband would make me a cuppa. Teasmade just doesn't come up to the mark for that. I miss him in all sorts of different ways when he was there to advise and help.

I have thought about bereavent counselling but my area seems not fall near where there is that facility in reach.

Dear Venus, this sounds over simplistic but have you thought about getting a Teasmade? I know it wouldn't be the same but my mother found it helped. Its lights used to come on and it hissed when it was ready.
The other thing is perhaps getting some bereavement counselling. Our local hospice offers that service.
All best wishes to you.

Until you have walked in the steps of someone who has suffered the death of a husband, it cannot be understood how deep that loss goes. It leaves a deep void that cannot ever be filled and yes, I do miss that cup of tea that he would make for me. It is the little things that cut the deepest.

You don’t get it skinnylizzie do you?

Bless you, it could be worse... no body making you tea because they don’t love you...!its hard & horrible but you were loved.. you have that. Xxx

MawBroom, I so understand what you are saying. It almost seems disloyal to move on. I don't want a 'new life,' I want my old one back. I want to go out for Sunday lunch with my husband. I want to do all the things we did before . . . but I know that I can't. On his birthday, last week, the light when on in his bathroom and I'm sure that's a sign that he is still with me in spirit.

I, too, am an independent person and have had to cope with all the financial problems, plus become a land lady and it's all very dauting, not having done anything like this before.

I miss everything about my old life and even though my husband has not been gone a year yet, I don't think I'll ever get used to being a widow.

You are doing brilliantly bluesapphire!
It is this question of the “new life” that bothers me, I am not yet ready or sure that I want one. Does that sound silly?
Not talking about living in the past but the “new life” without DH is an intimidating prospect. The early weeks, while dreadful to live through were easier in a way as not much was expected of me. Now I realise it is all down to me and that independence is a scary place.
I am normally an independent and competent person and always thought I would cope perfectly well and in a way I do, at least outwardly but I don’t feel ready to leave those years we had together behind.
Confused? Perhaps I am!
(PS did you see my PM?)

I can't believe how many of you have taken the time to reply. Thank you so much. Your empathy and understanding is a real comfort to me although I am so sad for the loss that so many of you have shared with me. My heart goes out to you all. It's hard not to sound selfish when talking about what I feel - but I never imagined that it would be this hard. Thank you again. You are kind and wonderful women. xxx

"Just" not "lust"!!!

I too lost my husband of 47 years just over a year ago. The funeral director advised me to "say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it" and this has worked for me. I have several widowed friends who have been so supportive, and am very grateful to have such a lovely family and good home. You don't get over a death, you just learn to live a new and different life. I find I can't do any of the things I did with my husband, as it lust makes me sad. So much good advice on this thread. "Move forward" is my motto.

Oh, I do know how you feel, it is awful isn't it? My dear DH died in February, but I was sort of half expecting it, but not quite so soon. I have made myself go out and do things: I go to yoga one morning then have coffee with some of the group afterwards; I have joined an over 50s social club which meets one morning every other week; I go to the cinema a lot; also signed up with a local group for over 50s I found on fb which has frequent meet-ups for coffee or lunch; I am a season ticket holder for our local rugby team and go to all their home matches; I am also joining a walking group next week. The thing I have found is that everyone is so welcoming and friendly. I still come home to an empty house though and you never really get used to it. Weekends are the worst so I always try and plan something, as DH and I would usually go out one day for lunch or a drink. It is a case of sink or swim, and I do not intend to drown.

Polkasue - it has only been a year since you had two loved ones die so your grief may well still be quite raw - it is understandable to have those type of feelings, to reflect and to miss things your memory throws up. I can only echo some of the comments that others have left, but do know that on Gransnet you will nearly always find someone who can relate to what is going on in your life, or in your head, so I am glad you are here, sharing, and hope that the moral support will help to lift a little of that loneliness

Dear pink jj27. If you would like a Meetup in your area just say you will be in an M&S or suchlike on a particular day and see who turns up. It's very easy to do and I have made some great friends that way.

There are no words. Such tragic loss will take a long time for your grief to lighten. Count your blessings with your family and friends and in life's best things you will always remember with love your dear husband and father.

Polk I am in your situation too. My late husband unexpectedly passed away in March. We do/did live an active life and love travelling. I am fortunate I have alot of family and friends around to support me.

Our second son is still at home so that helps. I do live an active life and a spiritual life. I am involved in alot of service to others which helps me too.

It takes time to adjust. I have accepted I will always grieve.

My husband is my soul mate and best friend. My earthly body grieves yet he as not left me spiritually. His love and strength is with us always.

I am going back to outr spiritual home this weekend for the first time since he passed. It is going to be hard. I will never look forward. I will always move forward with my husband in spirit.

Our loved ones don't leave us. There essence is always with us. Death ended my husband life. It didn't end our marriage. He is my one and only.

There is much more I can say. I am merely sharing my experience with you.

It's ok to feel as you are. It's ok to grieve. It doesn't get better. It gets different. I know earthly body will always slip in and out of tears and sadness.

I think it is about acceptance of where you are, maybe getting some outside help through groups such as have been suggested.

If you have the room at home and feel comfortable with it maybe explore letting a room

Love and virtual hugs xx

My condolences to you. I lost my husband ten month's ago after nearly 52 years of marriage, and not a day goes bye that I don't miss him. I belong to a dance class and two other ladies lost their husbands within months of each other. We go on days out together and it helps because we each know what the other is going through. I don't think I'll ever get used to the lonliness of coming home to an empty house and the loss of the companionship. Life has to go on. I'm downsizing to a flat which is another trauma. The best advice I can give is to try and keep busy. Try and find somewhere where there are people in a similar situation to yourself. It helps to talk to them. I wish you well. Take comfort in your family also.

Have the grandkids for sleepovers, they help us get thro anything ?

wellwalked I think perhaps if you are looking for support or want to talk about your difficult situation, you should start a new thread. Your own situation bears no real resemblance or relevance to the OPs post about needing support as she is seriously struggling with bereavement after a long term marriage.

And I also think that you need to take a long hard look at your envy of other's bereavement and take that particular emotion in hand!

I am sorry about your difficult situation

Sue I'm so sorry you are suffering two such sad bereavements - we expect our parents to leave us at some point (doesn't make it any easier) but somehow losing your partner so suddenly must be so hard to cope with. I have no words of wisdom - all those on here who have suffered the same loss have offered very good advise. You need time to grieve so you need to be gentle with yourself and I hope in time you find some positives to look forward to.

Wellwalked your post sounds so bitter and Maw's response is understandable. It does sound as though you need some help though so if you could maybe start a new thread asking for advice you might find some who have been through similar experiences and able to empathise. Grief envy is definitely not healthy.

I'm sorry for your loss . Have you thought about putting the radio on before you leave the house ? That way you have something to come home to.

Oh my goodness - you are grieving, and why wouldn't you..... how about asking your GP and /or local hospice about bereavement support / groups. It sounds as if you have been so busy supporting your family you have, perhaps, forgotten that you, too, deserve support - my thoughts are with you

Sorry to hear of your sad loss. I lost my DH just over 2 years ago, when we had just moved house so didn't know any neighbours to call to help when he collapsed and died. It is very hard and the sharpness of your pain will be with you for a while. Many different emotions pop up at unexpected moments, but it is all a normal part of grief. I found help, love and support from family and friends. They still put up with me having a weepy moment. I am sure yours love you very much. I realise it is not the same as the love of your DH, but lean on them if you can.

So sorry for your loss - I lost my lovely husband twenty years ago and still miss him popping his head around the living room door and asking if I wanted a cup of tea as he was making himself a coffee. It is those sort of things I miss most, the ordinary everyday things. Although I have come to terms with the loss it doesn't stop me missing things. Like you I have grandchildren (born some years after their Granddad died) and they do help fill the huge gap he left behind. I have volunteered for a local charity for a while now and really appreciate it when I get a cup of tea made for me by one of the other volunteers, many of us are on our own and I think we help each other when things can get a bit too much to cope with. One of my friends takes a small flask of hot water, teabags, milk and a nice cup and saucer up with her when she goes to bed and makes her first cup of the day with them when she wakes up - I know it doesn't make up for personal touch of your Hubby bringing it to you but it might help a little x