Can you forgive and forget?

I wasted five years of my life not forgiving and actively going over and over and over the 'bad thing.'
If it is just one 'bad thing' then perhaps it is possible, CrazyGrandma but when it is continual, a series of bad things it is extremely difficult, especially when it is happening to someone else who is very dear to you.
It does sound from the OP that it has happened to a child of chicken and that she intervened to support her child - something I have longed to do so many times over the years. However, I have refrained for fear of making matters even worse.

Holding a grudge is a decision.

...so is choosing to forgive.

Forgetting may take a little longer but try never to mention it again.

So many wise pieces of advice here---thank you all. I very much like the idea of labelling what's happened as "indefensible" instead of "unforgivable". That makes a lot of sense. What makes everything so much more difficult is that we all live in different parts of one house, so the loneliness of being ostracised is even more pronounced. Life goes on all around and I'm invisible. OH is treated as normal!

I don"t think that Granny2 should have mentioned this to you at all. Even if she stood up for you it still does"nt make it right in my opinion. She should stay out of this, as it's rubbing salt into sore wounds, even if she meant well. Given time this could all blow over...least said soonest mended. You did what you thought was right by sticking up for another family member who was being badly treated ...good for you. Let them all get on with it if they don"t want to speak to you it's their loss...shame on them.

What makes everything so much more difficult is that we all live in different parts of one house, so the loneliness of being ostracised is even more pronounced. Life goes on all around and I'm invisible. OH is treated as normal!
That is horrible chicken but I have seen it happening to my child too. I am not a violent person but it makes me feel quite murderous at times.

Would your OH intervene and try to broker 'a peace deal' or is he like many men and prefers to hide his head in the sand?

Jalima, OH seems totally indifferent. While the original row was going on, he just sat there unmoved, eating a chocolate bar! I'm pretty sure that the lack of empathy is due to a form of autism which is getting worse with old age. It runs in his side of the family. No help there!

Dont know if this is any comfort but it seems to me that often people do actually feel so bad after behaving badly that that's why they cut you off: they can't face you. I.e. it's not about you its about them! Their guilt or shame.

And sometimes, making it possible for them to reconnect with you without losing face is the way to go. Holding out an olive branch doesn't have to mean apologising or suggesting that you were wrong and they were right.

If difference of opinion and heated feelings on both sides could be acknowledged - it happens! - without reducing it all to right/wrong, good/bad, could you renew contact, easy-going approach, on that basis?
Life is too short.

Oh dear - I suppose it could be worse, he could side with the others.

Forgive and forget? it doesn't sound as if you need to do the forgiving if they are the ones behaving so badly for months.
However, perhaps you could approach them (make OH stand with you even if he says nothing) and suggest that this has gone on long enough and can you all put it behind you and move on.

Personally, I would be hesitant about funding such an ungrateful young woman through university - let her get herself a job as so many have to do.

My entire family had a very bad incident a good few years ago on Christmas day of all days, a friend of the family visited and became outraged, he took his car and threatened to crash it into a wall, imagine what the atmosphere was like, it totaly spoilt that Christmas. This was of course only a threat, but we didnt know that for sure at the time.
I am afraid I can never forget that, and cannot forgive that person for what he did to our family, I am sorry.

I can forgive and forget really easily. I find it too upsetting and too much trouble to harbour a grudge. The time wasted on thinking about it then getting upset could be much better spent doing something else. Try and make it up, the other party could be feeling just as bad, the longer it goes on the more difficult making it up will be. Incidentally, what i would be questioning is why granny 2 would be telling you that your GD is bad mouthing you. Seems a bit of mischief making is adding to your upset.

The fact that your OH sat there eating a chocolate bar made me smile, it's not funny, but I think 99% of men would do the same.

Perhaps at the time, your OH thought it would all blow over so didn't feel the need to intervene but if you are all living in the same house, then something needs to be done and I would have thought it would be down to him if it is his family. It seems to me that you don't want to apologise for what you actually did and they are expecting an apology so this is where the whole things break down. Presumably, whilst you aren't sorry for your role in the argument, you are regretting that the argument took place and the repercussions. May I suggest that you apologise for the fact the row happened rather than the detail? You would need to do it in such a way that avoided rehashing the whole thing so I would suggest a letter to all the family saying something along the lines of you are very sorry for the resentment the argument has caused and the resulting rift; you don't feel it would be helpful to discuss matters further but you would like to put the ill feeling behind you and get family life back to normal for the sake of the whole family. If you said anything you regret, apologise broadly for some of the things you may have said that were hurtful. Your husband should really be a signatory on the letter which gives them the message that he is on board.
If they refuse to live and let live, then it shows what bullies they are and it would mean the living arrangements had broken down. Unless you were really unreasonable and offensive, your OH should not expect you to live like this.

There is a good quotation that I think is Chinese which is: "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”. Forgiveness is not easy but it is better for you in the long run. I try to think that when people are nasty it is because they are unhappy. It is almost impossible to forget but once you have forgiven you don't need to dwell on it.

Time to rewrite your will, chicken, to exclude the ones who have been hurtful towards you. That would really give them something to moan about especially the ungrateful granddaughter. People need to realise actions have consequences

Isolating and scapegoating a family member from other family members is coersive abuse. You have a human right to family life. There will certainly be one person behind this abuse who will insist no one talks to you and he/she can be told it could be a police matter. Some people enjoy making the most of others' misery and G2 seems like one of those. Is it possible for you to send a card/little gift to your GD telling her you love her very much and miss her? Family feuds are really awful, you need some resolution before it affects your health.

We all struggle with forgiving and we aren't meant to forget. If we were we wouldn't remember everything.

I find processing everything is best done on paper. I write the subject situation thoughts and feelings down.

Then I look at the evidence from it and the understanding realisation as a third party

Groveling you should not be doing. Quite frankly anyone who expects you to grovel to them to talk with you again quite frankly isn't worth your effort.

Even if a person is in the wrong a simple apology and talk it through should sort it. What you say would be expected of you is not on. They aren't emotionally very well

Oh Chicken you poor thing,if only we had an off switch to our brain.Something horrible happened to me over a year ago.Its still fresh in my mind,and am constantly reminded of it.I try and distract myself and sometimes sing a song in my head,that seems to work for me.

I can neither forgive or forget the trouble my eldest gd brought on the family. She assaulted me by pushing me in the back and saying get out of the wY you f bitch, my son called the police and she was arrested. The story goes on and when she found I wasn’t going to put up with being bullied she then started on the rest of the family. It was a nightmare for many years and the other gc would often turn up at my house, deemed a safe house by social services. She never faced any kind of manful punishment and I have totally ignored her over the years and will continue to do so. She is now a mother herself and Isent a present for the baby but that is it. She will not change.

People won't forgive you for the wrong they've done you. And the more innocent you were of blame, the more it makes them seethe for being in the wrong. And that keeps them spiteful.

'Forgiving' does not mean that you accept the nastiness, only that you refuse to have it burden you any more. Don't 'forget' though, sounds like you need to keep your guard up around vexatious relatives!

I'm sorry that it's all blown up like this, but I admire you for standing up for your child.

It's early days yet to consider forgetting. Forgiving is difficult unless you are prepared to forget.

Having had some experience myself in this sort if situation, I have learned to accept that people will misbehave, say bad things and always seem to portray the injured party. It's pretty hurful, and it's ok to let your mind think these things over and allow you to experience whatever hurt you feel.

Time will heal you, and then look to your own well being.

If you feel you want to 'be the bigger person' then do so if that's what helps. However, if you resent that then don't do it.

When next in company, be polite. I find that these things have a habit of sorting themselves out eventually without anyone losing their dignity.

I am always on my guard now and walk away from any kind of confrontation, but I will never stand for bad behaviour even it it means speaking my mind. Good on you!

I have always said that my biggest weakness is that I hold grudges, its not something i'm proud of but thats how it is. Right now im trying to make things right with my sister but she has somehow convinced herself that she is the victim and that by standing up for myself im a selfish bully. I cant let it go and people keep telling me how you should make an effort with your family but I can't be doing with the drama. I'm happier when I'm not worrying about her so I'm not going to. I'm important too and so are you Chicken

I'd like to thank all of you for taking the time to write such thoughtful , wise and insightful posts, and for all the kind messages. I shall print them off and read them over and again, especially when the blues hit. Onwards and upwards!

I wish you the best of luck chicken and hope that this will be resolved and that it was a one-off, not a pattern of behaviour that would indeed be difficult to forgive.

I have been through something similar and ran it around and around in my head for ages - it's exhausting, all consuming and very unhealthy. It must be awful for you living in the same house as them, I don't know that I could.

I think when people say "forget" they mean don't dwell on it as I don't know that you can just forget something like this they way you can forget what you had for dinner last Tuesday. Maybe it's remembering without emotion?

I have pretty much forgiven the person in my feud situation, although we are no longer in contact. It wasn't easy to do at first and sometimes I did have to forgive her all over again.

Could you approach them one at a time? Someone up thread mentioned there is usually one person who is the "ring leader" so to speak, I'd start there and just see how it goes. It's worth trying, you don't have to resolve the issue, just agree to disagree and move on. The longer these things go on the harder it is to fix them.

No I cant forgive or forget the things my son in law has said/done...